What do you do?

justinandcrystal · August 2009

When you don't want your husband to go to a bachelor party with all single guys in Austin and he is a groomsmen? I trust him, I just don't feel like a married men should be going bar hopping with a bunch of single guys. I would never do it with a bunch of single girls! And as much as he says he wouldn't care if I did, he does. I just thought about going to Red River for my bachelorette party, and he didn't like the idea at all! So I didn't even have a party. Ugh! I don't know how to handle this without someone, me or him, getting upset!

Mariah&Steven · August 2009

...uhhh...I'm bar hopping this weekend for a girlfriend's bachelorette party...and I'm going to enjoy every single second. Steve trusts me and I trust him.

fallbride1109 · August 2009

I don't understand why girls get worked up over this. If you trust him, what's the problem? It's one night and he's coming home to you afterwards. It's not like he does it every night.My advice: let him go and get over it.

appletango85 · August 2009

I go out bar hopping with my friends while he is out ;)But he never bar hops or goes out so I'm the one that is going out and partying every so often leaving him at home where he prefers to be haha. I can't imagine what his bachelor party is going to be because his friends all like to do D&D and computer and xbox stuff...I seriously don't have to worry about them getting into too much trouble besides the potential fire hazard..........yeah......he's a pyro!

justinandcrystal · August 2009

I don't like it because its a double standard. He can go out and it should be fine, but he doesn't want me doing the same. And he always calls me while he is drunk and driving around and it makes me worry and makes me mad that he is being so irresponsible

appletango85 · August 2009

so tell him while he is out drinking and driving you will be doing the same and see what he says. (even if you really don't...although you should go out! He won't be home when you come home so you don't have to face his crankyness til he gets back

)

SarahandAlex2010 · August 2009

I think you should go and have a good time with your gf's. Like Stephie said...he's coming back to you and its one night. Let him go and you have a good time yourself. If you trust him and he trust you...than you should both enjoy time away with your friends.I don't think since your married means not hanging out with your friends.

Mariah&Steven · August 2009

Well then why don't you say, "well, if you're going to go out tonight, then so am I?" Seriously, if the main reason you asked this was because you felt like it was a double standard, you wouldn't have started out your case with "I just don't feel like a married man should be going bar hopping with a bunch of single guys". ...So just because he's married he can't go out? What is he supposed to do for fun? What is he supposed to do for "guys nights"? What is he supposed to do when he wants to get out of the house?

justinandcrystal · August 2009

That's what I am trying to do. Trying to arrange a girls night. But its hard. All my friends are married, and like me, don't want to go out without the hubbys.

appletango85 · August 2009

That's lame of them. This is why I'm glad I have some single friends left or "married" friends like me hehe

Mariah&Steven · August 2009

All my friends are married, and like me, don't want to go out without the hubbys. Wow...I jump at the chance to have a girl's night away from Steve. I need my girl time sans husband.

fallbride1109 · August 2009

ITA with Mariah. I think there are more issues here than a night out with the boys. But that's JMO.You just got married--later on you will want more time out with the girls. Couples need time apart, as well as together. And as far as it being a double standard--that's another issue altogether.

llc_lauren & chris · August 2009

You both should probably talk about this if you think it's a double standard and he gets to go out with friends but you don't. I love hanging out with just my girlfriends, in fact the weekend after Chris moved in with me, I left for San Diego to hang out with my old college roommates (we all left the DH/FIs out of our girls weekend). I love it when Chris goes out with friends, sometimes more then he does. I think it's good for people in relationships to have time with their friends.

Tiffany618 · August 2009

I think you guys need to communicate why you feel this way toward one another. (double standard/lack of trust/something is definitely going on)It's completely normal for guys to go out with guys and girls to go out with girls sometimes.Oh, and you should definitely make it a girls night while he is gone..I have no doubt that you could get your friends together for one night if you set something up.

stephl3055 · August 2009

If your husband's friends are anything like my husband's friends, they probably give him a hard time about not ever going out and being the one that got married first, etc. One of my husband's friends actually asked me why I didn't let him go out. Sorry, I don't tell my husband what he can/can't do, he is the one that doesn't want to go hang out with you until the sun comes up the next morning, so talk to him. However, my husband and I have certain things that we expect from each other when we do go out. I don't care if he plays basketball or plays pool and eats out. However, he knows that I will get pissed off if he comes home wasted or if he goes to a bar. The only reason I get upset about that is because he would never do that before we got married, so I certainly don't expect him to do that now. He expects the same thing of me as well, so it's an understanding we have of each other.

JustinandLindsay2009 · August 2009

However, my husband and I have certain things that we expect from each other when we do go out. I don't care if he plays basketball or plays pool and eats out. However, he knows that I will get pissed off if he comes home wasted or if he goes to a bar. This is pretty much just like our agreements with each other. Justin and I don't think you have to be bar hopping or clubbing in order to have fun with our friends. While we do completely agree that we both need time away from one another and with our girlfriends/guyfriends, we don't think that has to mean getting wasted in a bar. Justin is spending this Saturday at a Men's retreat at our church while I go shopping with some of my girlfriends. He often plays basketball or paintball with the guys and I go to lunch/dinner and movies with my girlfriends.I will go against the majority and agree that I do not want my husband out in a bar without me and he doesn't want me to do that either so I can see where you are comming from. You should probably just have an open heart discussion with him and let him know how you feel about the situation. If it truly is making you angry because it's a double standard, then bring that to his attention. This is another reason why I'm glad we are doing heavy premarital counseling with our pastor prior to our marriage. We're discussing these things now and learning what the other one expects and needs from the marriage.

cherrrylll · August 2009

Sounds like both of you don't really trust each other. If you did, this wouldn't be an issue at all.

JessAndColton · August 2009

Lindsay. I am in the same boat as you. While I don't have anything against the people who can do that, it's just not for me and the Hubs.

But that is an agreement we both have. Plus, I don't have any desire to go bar hopping and neither does he.

Mariah&Steven · August 2009

Maybe I'm just too trusting ..but I do not see the problem in going to a bar with friends. Maybe I'm just not ready to let that part of me (the part that likes to go out and drink a little too much) die just because I'm married. I'm not 60-I'm married. I don't see the problem with bars. And I also think that just because someone is going to a bar doesn't mean they're going to get wasted. And just because they're going to a bar doesn't mean they're going to have a random hook up either.

SarahandAlex2010 · August 2009

I think it depends on how you carry yourself. If your asking for attention when you go out than I could see the problem but if your just going to have a good time with your girlfriends and not looking to get wasted...than I think its fine. FI trusts me and I trust him. I guess since we just like to go and have a few drinks. We both come home at a reasonable time and its nice to get away for a while.

emimayor · August 2009

I'm almost at a loss about how insane some people sound on here. Sorry, you've caught me on a bad day, but some of your reasonings on here is why there are double standards. Crystal - does your husband go to work every day w/o you, travel for business, or is ever without you? Stop and listen to yourself. Guys need their "guy" time just like girls need their "girl" time. And I guess you having to have a night with your girls just because he's going out is your deal, but unlock the shackels. And the bar thing, well that is your perogotive. People can go to bars and not drink and/or get drunk. And I'm going to get flamed for this, but I really don't care, nor can I wait until Friday. THIS: This is another reason why I'm glad we are doing heavy premarital counseling with our pastor prior to our marriage. We're discussing these things now and learning what the other one expects and needs from the marriage. IS VERY CONDESCENDING.

Tiffany618 · August 2009

2 thoughts 1- (relevant to the post) - it is also important to note that he is a groomsmen in a wedding. He doesn't get to choose how the bachelor party is celebrated. I don't think its fair for you to take issue with him over this.2- (relvant to the discussion) - I agree with Mariah. I don't think it is a big deal. However, there's huge differences between bars. My FI goes to laid back taverns and stuff.... if he was going to a dance club or lounge in DT Dallas (on his own free will, not because of an obligatio) I might feel differently.

stephl3055 · August 2009

I agree that most people that go to bars don't get wasted or hookup, but I think Crystal was worried about the intentions of the single guys (or the attention that a bachelor party would attract). Am I right?For me at least, I have a very personal reason for feeling the way I do about bars and drinking in general. My husband knows this and he has been very respectful of how I feel about that, and that is why we have the agreement we do. Even before he met me, he was not a fan of clubbing or going to bars so we made a good pair.

mralpha · August 2009

I agree there may be more issues here than the going out part. Now I don't know you two so I can't say where it is. Ive been in your shoes and it is not healthy. Oh I hate saying that....sorry. I now have a FI bottom line doesn't do bar hoping and if he feels the need to he wants to take me. He has a bachelor party coming up and I am completely fine with it. I have never felt this way with a guy before. I would say this is because he has done all the right things to make me feel this way. He would NEVER keep me from going out with single friends. I usually don't feel the need to because I enjoy being with him. But...I can assure you if I had a part coming up for only girls he would be 100% fine. It's a feeling that comes from deep down and it is given to you by your partner.

juliebug1997 · August 2009

Emimayor, I agree with you that the comment was a bit condescending. Crystal, you and Justin need to have a heart to heart about this. Also, you and your friends need to be able to go out with each other but without the husbands. Overly clinging relationships can sour. If you trusted him on his bachelor party then you have to trust him on this one.

mandiemarie · August 2009

Um...maybe I'm the only one that caught her mentioning her hubby drinking & driving? I think that's the biggest problem. If he truly does (and I may have read it wrong) then he's an idiot and should never be allowed out of the house if alcohol is involved. I know far too many people whose lives have been turned upside down by drunk drivers.

juliebug1997 · August 2009

Mandie,I read that but by the time I got to the bottom and read everyone else's comments it kind of slipped out of my head.It is a serious thing. After one or two drinks and dinner is one thing.

Mariah&Steven · August 2009

Dude...I must have totally skimmed over that...Yeah...drinking and driving=stupid. stupid. stupid.

mandiemarie · August 2009

I mean, I really hate to call someone's husband an idiot but it sounds like this is a regular occurrence.

JustinandLindsay2009 · August 2009

Crystal - I am sorry if my comment about premarital counseling sounded condesending to you. I IN NO WAY meant it condesending. I should have thought about the way it sounded before I wrote it. I only meant that I'm glad we are doing this because I could certainly see us going through difficult situations if we did not participate in the counseling. I would never say anything to you to hurt your feelings or make you feel bad intentionally. Again, I'm very sorry.

Jefrina79 · August 2009

OK, usually I don't chime in on these things because I don't like potentially offending/upsetting anyone - but: 1) If I couldn't have a bachelorette party because DH didn't like the idea - we would have been having a problem then. What did he do for his bachelor party? Was it just Red River he didn't like, or did he not want you to have a party anywhere? 2) He is a groomsman. If he is not "allowed" to go - it is going to breed resentment between him and his friends and between him and you. That is not going to be good for your marriage. If he wanted to go out to bars without you all the time, that would be one thing. But it's a bachelor party. I cannot stand strip clubs and DH doesn't care too much for them either - but if he is ever a groomsman in a wedding and that is where his friend chooses to go, I am going to suck it up and deal with it. And the same goes for me. I am a MOH in a wedding next yr and if the bride decides she wants a strip club (I really hope she doesn't, ugh), I am not going to not go, and DH would not try to make me not go in that situation. 3) The drinking and driving thing - that is a whole other issue. And unless he is the designated driver for this party, it really has nothing to do with him going to his friend's bachelor party. He could drink and drive if the bach party was at Chili's or Friday's. He could drink and drive if the party was at the groom's house. Lastly - in past relationships I did not like the idea of my SO going out to bars without me, but with my DH, the thought doesn't bother me much (although he doesn't go). The reason is because not once in the time I have known my DH have I ever been able to imagine him acting inappropriately or in a manner that would upset me. With my ex's, I could imagine it. Therein lies the difference. I hope what I typed makes sense. I am at work and typing answering the phone at the same time!I wish you the best of luck but I really agree with PP that there are bigger issues here and you and your DH really should sit down and discuss.

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