Maybe I am looking at this wrong....

justinandcrystal · August 2009

I posted a couple days ago about my husband going to a bachelor party. I thought it was just bar hopping, after heavy thinking I was ok with that. Well it's not bar hopping. It's a party boat with strippers. I am just not okay with that, but maybe I am wrong in thinking that. I trust him, I really do. It's just that this is just not sitting well with me at all. Am I wrong in thinking this?

Mariah&Steven · August 2009

Ok, so bars are fine with me. A party boat with strippers? Not so much. And Steve wouldn't be ok with it either. But it wouldn't be me telling him not to go, I'd let him know that I didn't like the idea, but that as a GM it's his choice whether or not to participate in something like that. Knowing Steve, I'm 99.9% positive he'd forgo the bachelor party since that doesn't sit right with his morals.

llc_lauren & chris · August 2009

I agree, there's a big difference between bar hopping and a party boat with strippers. Thankfully none of Chris' friends (most of which are all already married) would have that type of bachelor party - the most they did was a guys weekend chilling at a lake house and grilling.I still think it would be a good idea to talk about your feelings with your husband. Not to tell him what to do, but at least he'll know how you feel about it and hopefully take that into consideration when he makes his decision to go or not.

Tiffany618 · August 2009

I'm not sure what to say. FI would never want to go to a party like that so it wouldn't be an issue...and if he went out of obligation I would not have an issue with it because he would be VERY uncomfortable with it.I think I might be more concerned for the bride of the guy throwing this party than I would be for my husband attending his party.

appletango85 · August 2009

I would not be ok with that and I would try my hardest to let David make the decision to go or not. I do know he would not want to go. But I trust him and my feelings wouldn't be of distrust but more uncomfortable with it. Hard to explain but yeah I would soooo not be ok with that lolHave the talk everyone is talking about. It will really help you and your FI out regarding expectations and stuff like that. GL!

untsing · August 2009

Maybe I'm in the minority here...I mean, I wouldn't LOVE it, that's for sure. And knowing my husband, he wouldn't even want to go. But I'd trust him completely and just tell him it was his decision to make. Besides...have you SEEN the kind of ladies that are strippers?? LOL My husband wouldnt' want to go near one of those trannies with a ten foot pole anyway.

justinandcrystal · August 2009

I did try to talk to him last night. I very calmly said I am not mad and I am not going to tell you what to do, but I am going to tell you that it really hurts that you would want to go, and it is disrespectful to me. He came back with the don't you trust me line. And its not that at all. Its that we are married he should not want to do this.

shortgirltx · August 2009

I'm not much on strippers so I would be so not thrilled with this. Isn't it the groomsmen who usually coordinate and throw the bach party??And it seems like he keeps changing what it's going to be. First it was bar hopping and now it's a party boat with strippers? What's next? When will what's actually happening come out?

untsing · August 2009

"...we are married, he should not want to do this."Not necessarily true. Just because you got married doesn't mean your or your husband have changed completely and you never have single-girl/guy moments still. It doesnt' mean you should ACT on them, but it's not unlikely for him to still want to go and hang out with his friends. He should try to CURB those particular feelings when there are strippers involved which clearly upsets his wife, though.

appletango85 · August 2009

For me it has nothing to do with marriage. He was committed to you BEFORE the wedding so your thinking shouldn't have anything to do with marriage but commitment(which I assume is how you think of it anyways

)I'm sorry he wants to go. That sucks and unfortunately it is VERY hard to get guys to understand our way of thinking. They are just wired differently and don't think of things and how they effect us like we do.

kris928 · August 2009

I'm with Untsing on this one...FI is not into that scene at all, but if it was a bachelor party and he was a groomsman, I wouldn't have a problem with it.

Mariah&Steven · August 2009

Ditto Mandy!

almoyo · August 2009

I am obviously completely alone with this line of thinking, but I would want to hear ALL ABOUT IT afterward! It must be the gossip in me, but I get a kick out of hearing what husband's friends do to make a$ses out of themselves in these bachelor party-type situations. I trust my husband. I know how he behaves when he's been drinking. He's not going to get it on with a skeevy stripper, but he will tell me that she's about 50 and talked about how her daughter just had a baby. (really happened)

loveypants · August 2009

Maybe he cares more about the fact he does't feel like you trust him than about the party. My FI knows I don't want strippers at his bachelor party, but his BM (married with kids) does. I am leaving the decision up to FI. It is his responsibility to make a good decision for our relationship and whatever he chooses, I trust.

Mariah&Steven · August 2009

Almoyo, that's hilarious!

dorieNail · August 2009

I'm with al on this one. but it's all about YOUR morals as a couple. and with what kind of guy you're dealin' with here for sure.

nae82 · August 2009

I'm glad I'm not alone in not having a problem with it. I trust DH (I totally typed FI here and had to delete it) completely. I knew they were going to the strip club for his bach party. Some of the guys weren't saying anything about it in front of me because they thought I'd be mad lol... It finally came out and I told them I didn't care, and that DH (then FI) had already talked about it. I know his friends are rowdy, but he isn't. One of the GM ended up giving a stripper a lap dance haha

krhoades · August 2009

Almoyo and Nae, I'm with ya'll on this one. I'd have zero problems with it, and didn't have a problem when all of DH's GM's took him to a strip club for his party. It was fun to hear all of the absurd stories afterwards, and even better since DH didn't have to spend a penny on such non-sense.

Cyndi&Nick · August 2009

I also would not have a problem with it. FI is so over the whole stripper thing. He'll be 30 this year. I honetly wouldn't have a problem with him going. However, I also don't have a problem with it, because I know he wouldn't want to go. If it was something that he was "all for" and excited about, I might worry. But he could care less about the strippers...he'd be excited to hang out with his buddies. He has already said that his friends don't do strip clubs anymore. They would much rather go shoot pool and drink. Now...please don't flame me for this...but these are just my thoughts: This is not the first issue you've had with him. In all the posts I've seen where you're asking for opinions, it comes across to me that even when you try to talk with him, he completely disregards and disrespects your wishes. Now, I'm sure that part of that is because of course you don't post when things are going fabulously and we only hear about things when you need our opinions, but still. I feel that if you have a true problem with him going, he needs to respect that. Nick would NEVER go out and do something knowing that it bothered me. He wouldn't have any fun if he knew that I was upset about it. I think you need to have a serious sit down talk (maybe even with acouncelor) and discuass ALLL these things. This isn't just about a bachelor party, this is about him needed to respect you enough, that even if he wants to do something he won't if it makes you uncomfortable...or at the very least talk to you about it and reassure you. Okay, I'm done.

stephl3055 · August 2009

I would not be okay with this either, and neither would my husband. Like I mentioned in the previous topic, we have certain things we expect from each other, and that is one of the things that I am very firm on. If the guys really just want to hang out with each other, they do not need naked women in front of them. There are so many other things that they can do together and still have fun. Flame me or call me controlling, but I do not want my husband looking at some other naked woman, even if he is only there to support his friends.

SarahandAlex2010 · August 2009

I trust my FI and I dont think he would go if it bothered me that much. Do you think it would be ok if it was the other way around? If you went on a party boat with male strippers? Not saying you should do that but maybe if you ask him and see what his response would be. Since he is a GM...maybe suggest other ideas they can do instead of that.

Donnaaries · August 2009

I don't think FI is the type that would like this kind of party (he didn't really enjoy a bachelor party a couple of years ago he attended as a groomsmen), but he would go out of obligation to his buddies that threw the party. I would definitely not have a problem with it. In fact, if I was a guy, and my buddies went through the trouble of getting a party boat AND strippers, I would be flattered. I would have no trust issues with it whatsoever. And like almoyo, I'd want to hear all about it afterwards, like what fool got drunk and accidentally made out with an ugly stripper.

Mariah&Steven · August 2009

like what fool got drunk and accidentally made out with an ugly stripper.Hopefully, it won't be the groom!

Terriniski · August 2009

Almoyo - I'm glad I'm not the only one thinking like you! I think I have a fairly unique type of relationship with my husband. I know that he can enjoy a guy's night out with whatever raunchiness or inappropriateness that might ensue, but that odds are at some point in the night he will be thinking about me and missing me like crazy. Usually I get a call or a text to that effect, and it's rather endearing for some reason. He could just be a guy's guy and think "Tonight, I don't have to think about my wife" but he always ends up thinking about me and telling me that he wished I were there (twisted in it's own right, but sweet).I think everyone has both different individual views as well as a different relationship with their FI/DH. I can be ok with such a bachelor party because I have no moral or other issues with the idea of it, and I trust DH and want him to have the opportunity to act like a guy in whatever sense that happens to be (as long as it's not outright disrespectful to me - which I don't think such a party would be). But women with a different set of individual views and a different relationship are bound to have a different opinion.

fallbride1109 · August 2009

FI is not into that scene at all, but if it was a bachelor party and he was a groomsman, I wouldn't have a problem with it. This is how I feel about it. I mean, I wouldn't LOVE the idea, but whatever. It's one night. Now if he wanted to do this for HIS bachelor party, then it's a whole different story. But he doesn't. And if I really had a problem with it and begged him not to go, he wouldn't. There would be no argument about it. I hate to say this, but I really feel like your feelings about this stem from something else entirely and that is what is really the issue here. I would hope that if you talked to him about it, he would at least try and be sympathetic to your feelings, but instead it is making him defensive. My advice is still the same: if it's going to do more harm than good to argue about it, let him go and get over it. In the end, it's one night and he's coming home to you at the end of it. To continue to complain about it may not do you any favors.

appletango85 · August 2009

I just want to add I would be totally(99% really) fine with a strip club but not a private boat with a stripper brought in. At a strip club there are rules in place while in the establishment. Maybe it's because I would rather not see other naked men. Scantily clad hot men..ok..but not nekkid men :pI think maybe only one or two of David's GM would even know how to go about getting a stripper if they were to get one LOL I am marrying a geek...with geeky friends...But I did tell David I wasn't comfortable if he had a stripper come to him but I wouldn't think too much of it if he went to a strip bar even though I would honestly not want him to but wouldn't put up a stink about it either.

emyliana · August 2009

j has been to bachelor parties with strippers...all of his guy friends went to vegas for a bachelor party so of course they go to a strip club...i never really shared my feelings with him at that point...when he got back i told him how i felt...i think it's absolutely disgusting how some men can be so entertained my naked women when they have a wife or even a girlfriend...and i let him know how i would feel very disrespect by him being in that environment especially for his party bc all the other guys buy the groom lap dances...i trust him completely, but i'm very uncomfortable with and naked female on his lap! he respected the way i felt so his guy friends rented a house on the lake in austin for a weekend for his party and no strip clubs were involved at alli've been in your situation and never tried to tell him not to go or even that it upset me bc i wouldn't want him to be the only one that wasn't able to be involved with his friends party...if you feel that strongly about it, then you really do need to sit him down and explain your feelings and hope he can respect them

JustinandLindsay2009 · August 2009

Crystal, ultimately it doesn't matter who is ok with what on this board, what matters is what is ok with you and your DH in this situation. If it bothers you that much, you need to let your DH know in a loving way how it makes you feel. IN MY OPINION (please don't read condesending here) if he loves you, he will understand how it makes you feel and he will not go. If he completely disregards your feelings and concerns and still goes, then I think you may have a deeper issue than just a boat full of naked women. Part of being married is compromise and putting the others needs ahead of your own. If he is unable to do this about a bachelor party, it will likely not happen when it comes to even bigger things like children and money, etc.

juliebug1997 · August 2009

Bill wouldn't want to go if he were a groomsman but he probably would go to support the groom. If a stripper tried to give him a lap dance, he'd probably push her away. He doesn't like to drink so I know that there wouldn't be a drunken make out. I'm like Allison and Terrinski. I would want to know what it was like inside, etc.I would still trust him on this party boat thing but I really don't think he would end up going if this was what was planned. And it has nothing to do with me: he just wouldn't feel comfortable there. Crystal,You've had the discussion with Justin and he didn't take it well. I agree with Stephie that, at this point, any more arguing is going to make things worse. I know it will be very hard to get over and, of course, you can't keep bringing it up, but you're going to have to keep quiet I think now. He knows your opinion. I will also agree with Tiff&Rich (I think) that you two really need to sit down with someone and work some things out. You're too early into your marriage to be having such problems and issues of trust.

Jefrina79 · August 2009

OK, first let me say I am really glad you came back to the board to talk to us... I was really afraid we had scared you off. Secondly, the stripper thing totally changes things. You are not wrong in your thinking. I would not be OK with this either. I mentioned in my other post that I did not even like the idea of a strip club, but if DH was a groomsman I would try to suck it up so there would not be hard feelings that he could not participate like all the others. But this party boat thing? Ugggh. I would not like this at all. Even though I know DH would not betray me in his actions. I just think it would make me feel ooogy.

I really don't like how he responded to you on this though. Did you have any pre-marital counseling with your pastor prior to getting married? The reason I ask is because ours told us if there was ever an issue like this (where we disagree and one of us doesn't feel like there is resolution) to call on him... and if I was you right now, I would definitely be on the phone with the pastor telling him what was going on.

emimayor · August 2009

I understand that it is an uncomfortable situation for you and how it can be uncomfortable in general, i.e. strippers. However, no matter how nicely you tell him you don't want him to go or he seems to be intent on going. It looks like the more you tell him "I don't want you to go" the more resistant he is. It would not bother me. I wouldn't love it, but it is one night and he is a groomsmen. Let him have is fun, by what you've posted he doesn't get out much with his buddies, which men NEED. My husband and his guys went to Vegas for his BP and yes, they went to a strip club. But he came home, we got married, and are living happily ever after.

And because he is married doesn't mean that he doesn't need his man time or to have fun. He loves you and the second that he thinks that your trust for him his questioned, well, then you're both in trouble.

Maybe I am looking at this wrong....

Re: Maybe I am looking at this wrong....

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