WDYT? Long.

jeremy.teresa · August 2009

So my MOH is trying to help me wrap up a few details. This particular one being about the day before the wedding. Our rehearsal is scheduled at 4:30pm and the dinner is at 7pm. FI's parents have been extremely gracious to pick up the rehearsal dinner cost for us. They already have everything planned, booked, paid for, and the invitations are already done for it. FMIL worked really hard on the details.So to get to the point, we are throwing out ideas about what the girls want to do the day before the wedding. They decided that they want to get a mani/pedi and we can all spend the day together. I'm all for that! It should be a lot of fun. But my SIL just asked if her and my sis (MOH) can bring their kids to the rehearsal and rd. We have been engaged for almost 2 years. They have known the details for that night for almost as long. Why this is just now coming up, I don't know. I can tell this is going to be a fight. My SIL says she doesn't want to leave their baby at a sitter's two days in a row b/c she will miss him too much. I do understand that. But the rehearsal and dinner are only a few hours. We decided when we got engaged that no kids were going to be at the either the rehearsal/dinner, or in/at the wedding. I don't want to start a fight, but since everything has already been bought and paid for, etc. I don't think its right to go back to FIL's and ask them to pay for more. I don't want to sound like I'm being insensitive here, but this was our decision and we told everyone about this over a year ago. I love both of my nephews so much, but we don't want kids there.I'm sure that this probably sounds awful, but its one of the few things that we have been really stern on. I guess it just bothers me that everyone knew about this a year ago and now we are talking about this again.What would you do if you were us? Again, I don't mean to sound like we are being awful aunts and uncles to our nephews, but we were upfront w/ everyone from the very beginning.

Future.Mrs.Shawty · August 2009

How old are they? What about the other set of grandparents? Can they watch them that night instead of a babysitter? That's a tough one. I think, and this is just my very humble opinion, that if you don't want them there, just say that everything is already paid for and the deal is sealed. You can't add any extra people - even kids. But - HONESTLY - how many kids is it? Would it REALLLLLY be that big of a deal to let them sit in on the rehearsal and the dinner? I can see where both sides are coming from. If it were me, I'd probably leave Brad at home with the kids for the rehearsal dinner (if I were the one in the wedding party). Now - if both parents are in the wedding party - that makes it different. Now I'm rambling. Good luck! I don't know what else to say. It's such an icky situation.

Future.Mrs.Shawty · August 2009

And to answer "what would you do" - If it was just a couple of kids, I'd let them come. But I'm also growing less and less worried about the small things as the wedding date gets closer.

rschuckman · August 2009

I think you are being very reasonable. I don't know how old your nephews are but I would just kindly remind your SIL and MOH that kids are not invited to either events, as stated earlier in your 2 year engagement. Also explain that everything has been paid for and all the arrangements have been set (table set up, seating chart, etc). Do explain you love kids and your nephews but that you and your FI wanted an adult only reception and rehearsal dinner. Also add that the kids will probably have more fun with a babysitter at home, and the parents should enjoy their kid-free night! It's only 2 nights! In the end, your family and guests should respect your wishes since it is your wedding.

rschuckman · August 2009

I totally see what "Future Mrs. Shawty" is saying, but I don't know if it's proper etiquette to allow some people to bring their kids and others not? Other guests had to book babysitters and out-of-towners had to make special arrangements. Did you put on your invitations "adult reception only", or did you only address the invites to the adults, to make it clear that kids were not invited?I guess in the end it is your wedding so do or not do what you want. If your nephews are babies and they won't be eating any food, and you don't want to have bad blood in your family, say OK. If your nephews are older and would be eating a meal, that might pose a problem since everything has been paid for.

jeremy.teresa · August 2009

One nephew is almost a year and a half, the other is 7 months. My MOH lets her kid run all over the place. I also know that both kids will be screaming and crying, and their parents are going to have to coddle and tend to them the entire evening. My SIL and brother are both in the wedding, and my sis (MOH) husband decided that he doesn't want to be here for the wedding. Like I said, if this wasn't made clear in the first place, I wouldn't feel so badly. FI's parents have already bought and paid for everything, too. I originally suggested the 2 boys going to my SIL's moms for a few hours the night of the rehearsal and they said that was great, no problem. Now today I get the "its just so long to be away from him" thing. And like I said, I'm not completely insensitive; I do understand where they are coming from. I miss them, too. Its been an adults only event from the word go and I don't want to start a fight. I have let so many other little things go regarding the wedding, but this is not one that FI and I are willing to budge on. I hate pulling that "its my wedding and we get to decide" card... Sigh.

jeremy.teresa · August 2009

shuckman - yes, its been very clear that the entire event is adults only. We only addressed the STD's to the adults, and even put a blurb on our wedding website so that wouldn't be any confusion. I guess its not just the cost (really only one would have to be fed adult food), its just the fact that we all sat down and talked about this over a year ago. Nothing has changed. I feel like they think I'm being a big meanie. Even my mom and I have had this talk over and over again. Its just frustrating.

rschuckman · August 2009

I would stick to your guns then! Hearing all the evidence I totally agree with you. My other thought was if your MOH and SIL are in the wedding, how would they tend to their children, and what if they scream and cry (as you pointed out that they will!). Would your mother talk to your sis/MOH, and your fiance to his sister? Try to play up the fact that they should look at it as their kid-free night and they will have more fun. Explain it would be hard for them to carry out their bridesmaid duties while making sure their kids are in check. Kind of a crappy situation, sorry you have to deal with this.

Future.Mrs.Shawty · August 2009

It IS frustrating. And, I meant *I* would allow the kids to the rehearsal. I wouldn't budge on the reception.You know your family and their children better than us. I suppose if you assume they'll be unruly, then don't invite them. But they could surprise you...

weaveral · August 2009

That's a hard one. I know for working moms, weeknights and weekends are the only time they see their kids and that time is very precious to them. It seems short to you, but by the time you drop kids at a sitter, get ready, and get where you're going, you're talking about 3:30-10. Kids will be asleep when the moms get home. If they have to work that day, it means they basically don't see their kid all day. And weddings take up the whole day for the WP.On the other hand, they agreed to be in your wedding, knowing the RD and wedding were adults only. All you can do is stick up for yourself and say no kids. But you have to understand people will be annoyed and might challenge you or talk about it behind your back. Unfortunately, that's how people are. You kind of signed up for it when you decided adults only (even if that's not how it should be). That's why there are always like 100 posts about this issue on P&E.Good luck!

stosha1 · August 2009

well: this is what I would do (since I'm sneaky).Since it is your SIL (aka HIS sister) I would make Jeremy call them and tell them no. That way it doesn't look like you're being the bad guy. hehehehe.I mean, they need to GROW UP. A few hours away from your kid isn't the end of the world. Doesn't she have a job where she has to work 8+hours a day? It might seem like I have no compassion. I DO NOT WANT children at our wedding either. But Sam's BM's wife just had a baby and they're coming in from OOT. She wanted to know if it was okay if she used the house to breastfeed. I said to Sam, "I thought we weren't allowing kids". He just said "Well your brother is bringing his kids". I said "THEY ARE IN THE WEDDING". I just shutup. I don't want this big wedding to do wedding anyways so I"m doing it so I can go on a freaking honeymoon. This is precisely why I wanted to ELOPE. I don't want someone with their crying baby SCREAMING for the tit while I'm confessing my love in front of 100 people during My ceremony. SO I totally get it.Just say no.

rschuckman · August 2009

I was asking how the invites were address b/c my cousin got married last month and apparently she wanted her events to be kid-free but didn't put on the invites "adult only" and nothing was on the invites or wedding website. One of my cousin's try to RSVP for him and their 2 kids (1 and 3) and the RSVP company/service called and said "no kids". My brother found this out the day of my cousin's wedding and my brother and SIL were scrambling around at the last minute trying to find a babysitter for my 10 month old nephew. Sounds like you addressed the kid thing in a good manner, my cousin, however, not!

rschuckman · August 2009

Weaveral: Haha, yes this is the GREAT DEBATE, kids v. no kids.

Future.Mrs.Shawty · August 2009

Carrie.... You know I adore you, but you have GOT to allow the breastsfeeding baby. You cannot expect a mother to leave her newborn child that she is BREAST FEEDING at a sitter for many hours. And it's really not fair for the BM's wife to not be invited because she's bf'ing their newborn.

stosha1 · August 2009

No no I expect her to come. It's not that. The baby will be 6 months old at the wedding, not like a newborn. There ARE grandparents she could leave the baby with during the wedding. She just wants to be all up in my biz prior to the wedding and bf the baby in the house where we're getting ready. She wants to be a part of the whole getting ready family time and I dont even like her. I am nice to her because she is FI's friends' wife. I told her she can use the house only after the ceremony is over and the reception has begun. She didn't like that.Secondly, she wants to 'get back at Sam' because he was the BM in their wedding. Sam and the other GM played some kind of practical joke on them at their wedding. She is really mean and is taking this very seriously to 'get back at sam" the meanest way she can (and she told us this). It wouldn't surprise me if she let the baby scream during the entire ceremony 'just to be spiteful' because that is definitely her style. Not to mention her 2yr old whom she lets run wild like a banshee. *cringe*

lindseycolatrella · August 2009

If you want to stick to your guns and still be "nice", offer to hire a sitter at your house. Just say something like "I really appreciate all of the sacrifices that you are making to make my day special. How about this: why don't I organize getting a sitter for the kids at my house so you don't have to worry about it?" Even though that's not really the reason they want to bring their kids, it makes it clear what you want but also lets them know that you're trying to work with them. If you do decide to let them come, the good news is that kids food is super cheap and from what you said, some of them are so young that they wouldn't even eat real food. You could even tell them to bring food for their kids.

jeremy.teresa · August 2009

I think what's this harder is this: My younger sis is my MOH. My only bm is my brother's wife. I am kind of stuck telling them what the ultimate decision is. And since its my family, its twice as hard. Only b/c my mom is such a traditionalist and thinks that there are so many things Jeremy and I are doing that are "wrong" or "messed up" as she likes to put it.Like I said, I may come off being selfish and/or mean, but we decided this when we first got engaged. I even sat down and told my MOH that no kids were going to be at any the wedding related events when she was still pregnant. I left it up to her to decide whether or not she wanted to be my MOH b/c I didn't want to make that decision for her. I guess I'm just going to have to tread this water later today. It frustrates me b/c I haven't been saying this for the past year and a half to hear myself talk. And its def been a sore spot w/ my mom and I b/c she wants her grandkids there.

SusanK76 · August 2009

We had a similar situation. We didn't want kids there because there were just too many of them to pay for (like nearly 20!) so we said no kids. But one of my BM asked if she could bring hers to the rehursal/RD. (She had a 6 month old and a 6 yr old.) We ended up saying yes, but made it very clear that other financial arrangements were already made and she would have to foot the bill for them. Honestly, I was so torked up I didn't even notice that they were there. (And yes, she was totally willing to pay.) I totally agree that it's frustrating when you repeatedly tell people things and then they don't listen. I guess the real question is how important is this to you and FI. If you think it will be worth the stress and agrivation then stick to your guns otherwise just let it go.

kris10michelle · August 2009

I tried to pull the "no kids" deal with our receptions and was quickly shot down. Even though our limit is 150, and FI has 16 nieces and nephews, not to mention cousins that are still kids. I will have 6 kids from my side, and more from friends and family.So in my head, that was about 30 more adult friends and family that I could have there, instead of kids who would rather be anywhere else.I brought it up, and no one saw it my way, so I backed down. Oh well.In your situation however, when you have been saying all along that there will be no kids, I would stick to it. Especially since everything is paid for. I might be okay with it if the parents were willing to pay for the kids.

WDYT? Long.

Re: WDYT? Long.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards