Bring gift or not bring gift?

jilybeans4 · August 2009

Long story shorter...My cousin is getting married the week before me. Huge drama was involved in picking her date, originally she chose to have hers the night before mine, in a different state, then eventually switched it.I went to her (out of state) shower, she didn't go to my shower.I am attending her wedding, she is not attending mine because she will be on her honeymoon.I bought her a shower gift, but I have yet to receive one from her for my shower.I don't want to buy her a wedding gift. It will already cost me gas, hotel, and dog sitter to come to her wedding, and ours is the following week. She has been a bit of a bridezilla throughout this whole process and I don't feel very generous with her. I already gave her one gift, and she didn't return the courtesy.... am I obligated to bring a gift if I attend her wedding?Truth is, i'd rather spend any gift money I have on my (more deserving) parents or wedding party at my own wedding.

kdcwedding · August 2009

You're never obligated to bring a gift. You could just get her a card congratulating her on the wedding.

gkb0910 · August 2009

Like kdc said, you're never obligated to bring a gift. I, too, would at least bring a card.

jilybeans4 · August 2009

Yep, a card is definitely happening either way. Just not sure I want to put the extra money into buying her anything else.

Leah&Christian09 · August 2009

You aren't obligated to bring a gift.You are being petty if you choose not to get her a gift b/c she didn't get one for you.

Gabs71109 · August 2009

While I am not a fan of the "she did't get me one so I don't want to get her one" rationale, you are not obligated to get her a gift.

JenandJeff2009 · August 2009

Although you aren't obligated to take a gift, I would feel extremely cheap and embarassed if I attended a wedding and didn't get the couple something. They are paying money for your dinner and drinks and I feel as though you should give something.

jilybeans4 · August 2009

Well, technically I don't want to give a gift because I am on a tight budget and can't afford to attend an out of state wedding the week before mine, period. But huge family drama would ensue if I just skipped it. I just don't think that someone who isn't generous/courteous enough to give gifts really deserves to receive them. If I had a lot of extra money laying around, I probably wouldn't care though.

wadingmoose · August 2009

You don't have to give a gift, but I think your reasoning for it is about the worst I've heard.

TheSaltyPeanut · August 2009

Screw that, I would give her a nice card and that's it. Did she write a thank you note for your gifts?

KJDOHERTY · August 2009

A lot of people think that it's okay to not send a gift if you can't attend a shower. On the other hand, it's a pretty common belief that you should send a wedding gift even if you can't attend the wedding. IMO, the only reason to not give a wedding gift is because you absolutely can't afford one. If you can afford something, you should give something, unless you don't mind the bride thinking you were rude.

TheSaltyPeanut · August 2009

[i]I just don't think that someone who isn't generous/courteous enough to give gifts really deserves to receive them[/i] (I just saw this) WOW, are you serious? You're a peach.

wadingmoose · August 2009

See, if cash were really the problem, you would have said in your original post "I can't afford to get my cousin a gift. Do I have to?" Without trying to justify it with her bad behaviour.Now you're just backpedaling.Are there that many families out there who would create that much drama over who attends or does not attend weddings? Because there's a lot of that kind of stuff predicted on here and I just find it unbelievable.

danieliza1127 · August 2009

I would probably just take a card.

wadingmoose · August 2009

For the record, if I don't attend a wedding, I rarely buy a gift unless my relationship with that person is such that I would go to the wedding and something major is preventing me from doing so.

NuggetBrain · August 2009

I wouldn't. If I attend a bridal shower I usually don't bring a gift anyway because i spend enough already. That makes no sense.

jilybeans4 · August 2009

Well there already was huge drama on her part....so I guess I'm just sour towards her. She's acted like a selfish brat throughout the entire wedding. She moved her wedding date to the night before mine AFTER I announced my date, then refused to change it to accommodate anyone coming to both of our weddings (in two different states). Finally she did change it, but only because FFIL had to work on the original date. She sent me a rude email about the whole issue and then never apologized or acknowledged anything after things got changed. She never thanked my aunt for throwing her a shower. I drove to another state with a gift to attend her shower; she RSVPed to mine a couple of days before saying she wasn't coming. Just a few examples. She's not an awful person but I'm not happy with her right now. The only reason I'm even going to her wedding is because I don't want it to look like i'm not attending out of spite. Actually, because my MOM and my SISTER don't want it to look that way : ) I could care less if she gives me a gift, I just don't see why I should give her 2 gifts if she doesn't care enough to even send me a card. Not everything has to be equal, but I would feel pretty taken advantage of if I spent my hard earned money on her and she didn't even have the courtesy spent 5 minutes thinking about me or my wedding.

jilybeans4 · August 2009

Wading, I said I'd rather spend what gift money I had on my parents/bridal party in my OP. I meant that to imply that there is limited gift money available. Perhaps I should have been more specific.

mwhitson14 · August 2009

More specifics isn't necessary, what you should have said is that you don't have the money, not that you don't what to buy her a gift because this, that, and there happened and she doesn't deserve a gift.

ffmaid · August 2009

You are not obligated to get her a gift but to not get a cousin a gift is a bit well unkind. I would get her something at least even if not uber expensive is still teh bigger person move

JenandJeff2009 · August 2009

I wouldn't. If I attend a bridal shower I usually don't bring a gift anyway because i spend enough already. Ditto that this doesn't make sense. Usually if I'm invited to a shower it's because I'm close with the bride and I want to give her a nice gift. Just b/c I buy her a shower gift doesn't mean I would show up at a wedding w/o giving the couple a gift, especially assuming I'm close to them

jilybeans4 · August 2009

Perhaps. But I tend to think that rude people who don't show consideration or appreciation for other people DONT deserve gifts. My point, I guess, was that I'm already spending a lot of money to attend her wedding and she's not meeting me halfway...and if she was acting like a sweetheart throughout this whole process I may be more lenient, but she has been rude and thoughtless so I dont see why I should spend (more) money on her instead of my very generous friends and family at my own wedding. Ugh. Maybe I just won't go at all. The more I keep typing the more I'm realizing just how much I'm frustrated with her and am past the point of wanting to have anything to do with her and her wedding.

ffmaid · August 2009

If I was your BM and found out that in lieu of sending yoru cousin a wedding gift you spent more money on my gift I woudl feel very guilty,I bet your parents would too. Do you have a pretty picture of cousin from when she was a kid? Could you do a frame with 3 sections put that picture in one and a note n the middle one saying for a wedding photo and a note in the other side one for photo of groom as a kid and give that to them $10 but considerate

danieliza1127 · August 2009

Jily - if you don't want to get her a gift, you don't have to. If you don't want to attend the wedding, you don't have to. I feel like other posters here are basically saying that if you attend, you have to give her a gift and I just think that's bogus. If you have a limited amount of money and you would rather spend it on ones you love who are in your own wedding, that makes total sense to me.

sarahrosette · August 2009

Why don't you give her something small? How does your FH feel about this? A bottle of champagne or wine is the least you can do considering you are attending. I know you don't have to give something and she seems a bit rude but why be on her level?

Leah&Christian09 · August 2009

So all this further explaination basically says you are trying to punish her for her behavior by not getting her a gift. You still don't have to get her a gift. But your reasons basically show that you are quite the peach.

wadingmoose · August 2009

My issue is with the reason for not giving a gift. It's gone from "she hasn't bought me a gift," to "but I have limited money and could spend that on my parents/bridal party," to "She doesn't deserve a gift!"All of it comes across as petty and immature.Gifts are not required, but it would take a lot more than the above reasons for me to not take one to a wedding.

danieliza1127 · August 2009

If you really believe that gifts are not required, then it shouldn't matter what her reasoning is or whether you agree with it or not. If gifts aren't required, she doesn't have to take one regardless of whether her reason is noble or not.

NuggetBrain · August 2009

If you really believe that gifts are not required, then it shouldn't matter what her reasoning is or whether you agree with it or not. If gifts aren't required, she doesn't have to take one regardless of whether her reason is noble or not.This.

sarah0725 · August 2009

You don't have to give her a gift, because gifts are not required. I don't really have a problem with your reasoning either. There's too much emphasis on the gift-getting part of the whole wedding process.

wadingmoose · August 2009

There are a lot of things in life that aren't required. I don't have to hold the door for the little old lady coming through behind me with her hands full, I don't have to say thank you when someone does something for me. I don't have to donate to the causes that matter to me.That said, I do all of the above because to me it doesn't feel right not doing it and in the end I think doing the things that aren't required makes the world a better place for the people around me. So while buying a gift isn't required, I think less of someone who decides to do it for petty and selfish reasons.

Bring gift or not bring gift?

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