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Wedding Etiquette Forum

Marriage or Sex?

http://www.inforum.com/event/article/id/249358/You may have to sign up for free to read that article, but it was in the local paper this morning.The premise: That young evangelical couples are torn between doing what is right for their church (abstinence) or doing what societal pressure promotes which is waiting to get married until you're older, have degrees and are more stable.From the article: “It’s unreasonable to say, ‘Don’t do anything ... and wait until you have degrees and you’re in your 30s to get married,’ ” said Margie Zumbrun, who did wait for sex, and married Stephen fresh out of Purdue University. “I think that’s just inviting people to have sex and feel like they’re bad people for doing it.” Against that backdrop, a number of evangelicals are promoting marrying earlier, nudging young adults toward the altar even as many of their peers and parents are holding them back. Couples like the Zumbruns are caught between two powerful forces – evangelical Christianity’s abstinence culture, with its chastity balls and virginity pledges, and societal forces pushing average marriage ages deeper into the 20s. The call for young marriage raises questions: How young is too young? What if marriage is viewed as a ticket to guilt-free sex? What about the fact that marrying young is the No. 1 predictor of divorce?"Thoughts?
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«13

Re: Marriage or Sex?

  • Well, you know.  Evangelicals can't just push abstinence.  They needed a new horse to kill.
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  • What if marriage is viewed as a ticket to guilt-free sex?This. Whenever I watch that ridiculous Engaged and Underage this is what most of the kids say. They just HAVE to get married so they can start boning. It's such an unhealthy attitude.
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  • If you're getting married just to have sex, then there are some bigger issues to focus on. But, a person can, in my opinion, be ready for marriage even if they are just starting out, still working on degrees, etc. It may not be the BEST time to get married, but that doesn't mean it can't work. If you're really committed to the part of your faith that preaches abstinance, then there shouldn't be a choice. Wait until you're ready for reasons other than sex.
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  • It's also on msnbc.com, if people don't want to sign up for that website. This article rubbed me the wrong way (pun intended).  One guy was quoted saying that he thinks it's best to date for a short period of time and get married young so that there's less time to sin sexually. That just screams to me that he's getting married without really thinking through his choice of partner just so he can have sex guilt-free.  Can you say "divorce"?
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  • This whole thing just sits weird with me.Derek's grandmother is hugely against sex before marriage, but then she got married when she was 16 (yay East Coast Canadians).  She and Derek's grandfather are no longer together.
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  • What if marriage is viewed as a ticket to guilt-free sex?Wait a minute, its not??
  • I think encouraging them to marry young is just a way to try to keep them from having pre-marital sex.  The longer they wait to get married, the harder it will be stay abstinent.  Abstinence doesn't work unless both people are totally committed in their hearts to it.  I don't know how young is too young.  I do know that when I was 21 with that boyfriend, I thought we would get married and I would have married him if he had asked.  We ended up breaking up and now 10 years later I look back on that time like it was an entirely different life.  I'm married to someone else, left my hometown, he's married to someone else and still in our hometown.  I can't imagine how different my life would be if I had married him, and all of the things that I've done that I never would have if I had married him (lived in Florida, friends made, masters degree).  I feel like I'm a real adult now and when I look back on myself at 21 realize what a kid I was and how much I had to learn.  I'm glad I didn't get married that young.Watch Revolutionary Road and you'll see the dangers of getting married before you really know who YOU are let alone who your partner is.
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  • teehee, chastity balls...I think the entire premise of "purity pledges" warps young girls ideas of what is right and wrong, and makes sex seem like a sin even in the confines of a marriage. If you are pure without sex, are you impure once you have sex? I do know a lot of people who married young and got divorced, and it was societal pressure that pushed them to get married that young in the first place. If the only reason you get married young is so you can give in to temptation, so to speak, then there's something very wrong with your views on sex, marriage, and partnership, IMO.
  • I just wanted to add that I do know people who waited to get married and waited to have sex (She was 25, he was 23).  So still young, but she was out of law school when they got married.  It is possible to follow your religious beliefs and still wait until you are ready to get married.
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  • Oh Dukey. What have you gotten yourself into now?
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  • Someone else said it, but what bothers me about the whole deal is that young kids are getting married so they can have sex. If that's the primary motivation, they're in for a rude awakening, I'm afraid.
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  • This frustrated me with some of my "abstinence-only" preaching friends.  They were very set on not having sex until they were married but they also made it clear that they would be marrying very quickly after meeting "the one".  Rushing into marriage for sex cheapens marriage.When I am a parent one day, I would much rather my children have sex before marriage (in a safe and healthy way) than rush to the altar with a near stranger to avoid feeling guilty about having sex.
  • My husband was abstinent for 32 years...just sayin'...
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  • Completely agree with Noelle. It is entirely possible to wait until you're married AND established. I have a friend who was a virgin until she was married, at 30. Not sure about her H, but he was perfectly fine with waiting...they dated and were engaged for around 2 years.And, it's possible to marry young and still make something of yourself. I have a friend was married at 20, her H was 24. Both still in college at the time. They have gone on, in the last 7 years, to have two children (expecting their third), the H has finished his bachelors, masters, and started a successful business. W has finished her bachelors, and is working on her masters while teaching elementary school.
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  • I think it's incredibly wrong to force people to get married young so they can have guilt free sex.  When the average age of marriage was teens, that was one thing.  Society was completely different then.  People were less educated, didn't have to focus on an array of things to keep them going in society, and divorce was not easy.  Also, it was less of a taboo (for men) to have multiple partners while married.  It was fully expected that men would have mistresses or stray.  Now that society is no longer held to those standards, we can't expect that people will (or even should) get married at early ages, and maintain that sort of relationship forever.  Most couples I know who got married young don't stay married.  They very soon regret that choice to get married and resent the life that they have "missed out" on.  Including my own mother.I'd much prefer that the church say, "Okay, we know you're under a lot of pressure.  If you *choose* to have pre-marital sex, understand that it is against what we would want for you.  However, please choose to make responsible decisions about having sex, please use condoms, BCP, and have regular check ups with your doctor."That's much smarter and honest than trying to make people feel horrible for wanting to have sex.
  • I know a lot of people who marry quickly once they found "the one" and it works for them. Some who were having sex, others who weren't. Some of it is a religious thing, some of it is just being sure in their decisions.I don't think it can be a blanket statement that if you marry quickly, you will end up divorced or you're doing it for the wrong reasons. (Most of the folks I know who have done this are very happily married and have stronger marriages because they're aware that there may be some unforeseen bumps in the road.)
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  • What I don't understand is why premarital sex is worse than divorce.  People who are waiting to have sex are obviously very religious.  If they're getting married young just to have sex and then end up divorced, why is that better than having sex before marriage but staying married the rest of your lives?
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  • stuff like this drives me crazy. It's possible to wait until marriage to have sex AND not get married 30 seconds after you meet someone. I agree with waiting until marriage, but not at the expense of a healthy relationship. Maybe some people need to learn self-control. it also bothers me that stuff like THIS is the only thing about religion and marriage making headlines, making the rest of us look like crazies.
  • A girl I know got married to her boyfriend of NINE MONTHS during our junior year of college (and he was a sophomore) They both had student loans, no jobs, and were going in to low paying jobs after graduation (social work and early childhood education) They attend an evangelical church where people frequently get married out of high school... and it's all about sex! The pastor touches on the subject every Sunday and there are support groups for young people thinking about getting married. They literally push them toward it, thinking if they can get them married, they can avoid the inevitable. So now they live in her parent's basement while they work and go to school, which will take them twice as long to finish now bc they both have to work. They're lucky her parents aer willing to still support them, because mine would probably kick me out on my asss for getting married just to have sex. I'm NOT saying abstinence is wrong or unrealistic, because it's not! But I don't think marriage is the answer to this issue of instant gratification.
  • Vogt ~ I agree that people can find "the one" quickly and have a good marriage.  What bothered me was that these girls were talking about the future, having not met anyone yet, and their motivation was having sex as quickly as possible.  I'm also not against marrying young, I myself married DH at age 21.  But it is a bad idea for anyone of any age to rush into marriage for the sex.
  • If "society" can have that much influence on you, then no you aren't ready to get married.I'll be a young bride, and sex has nothing to do with it. But, I also don't think that "every" young couple is doomed to failure. Fiance' and I are very realistic and have talked about finances, children, etc. We both will eventually be working towards Doctorate degrees. If we waited until we were finished with school, we will have been dating for over ten years. IMO if you are too young to think for yourself then how can you be assertive with your expectations?
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  • I just imagined marrying the guy I lost my V-card to and how I was 16... that would have been the dumbest decision ever.
  • Buttaflai: AMEN! If I did that, I'd be living on a pull-out couch and eating Whitecastle for every meal.
  • I just want to say taht I know someone who did this.  And I judge them.  And I feel sorry for them.

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  • I have a cousin who got married a year ago.  When they got married, they had never even kissed.She told me on the wedding night they played cards.  Now, its been a year since they've gotten married, I'm sure they have by now, but its weird seeing them together, because it almost seems like there is no chemistry whatsoever, like maybe (I'm assuming) they got married to have sex.I'm not saying people should or should not have sex until married (I've only had sex with fi) but I think with no experience whatsoever, it might not be the best idea.  What if, when you kiss, you don't feel anything?  You only realize this, after your married, then you're stuck.
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  • @ shelly - I have yet to kiss my boyfriend and we've dated for two and a half years. I do not feel a lack of chemistry between us just because we are not sexually all over each other.
  • I'm not saying you have to have sex to feel the chemistry.  What I'm saying is, sometimes after you kiss, you realize there is nothing there, and that sucks if you realize that after your married.
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  • I have a cousin who married her husband when they were both 18 after only dating for 6ish months.  I fully believe that sex was the primary reason (I don't know for sure, though).  She was raised in a very religious household and I would assume that pre-marital sex was not going to happen...ever.  Again, I don't know for sure, but, by seeing how she was raised, I think it's a fair assumption.  Another cousin, from the same family, also married young at 19.  And, again, I believe it's for the same reason. Thankfully, niether of them jumped into having kids as I thought they would.  The first has two young ones now, but has been married 7 years.  The second has none and has been married for 4.I think it's horrible that people would feel they need to get married and, therefore, marry ridiculously young (and very likey, the wrong person) just because they are scared to have pre-marital sex.  If these were my beliefs, I would much rather remain a virgin, then marry the first guy that came along.I'm judgey of both my cousin's marriages because of this.  I know I shouldnt' be as I don't know exactly why they married so young, but I am.  I hope I'm wrong, but i see them both divorced by their late twenties.  Funny - divorce is perfectly acceptalbe, but pre-marital sex is not.
  • I have friends who waited until they were married, and out of school.  I think its very admirable of them.  To each their own.  I'm also glad they weren't preachy and self righteous like KA2.
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