parents not happy with getting married before finishing college

brandybelle618 · July 2012

My fiance and I recently got engaged, and everyone on my side of the family was super excited when it happened, but now, everyone is pi$$ed at us. My parents aren't happy with us getting married before i finish college, but what they dont understand is that for one, nothing is going to change, i've been living with the man for 2 years (supporting ourselves completely fyi) and also i wont be done with school for another 8 to 10 years. And my grandmother is mad that i'm not getting married the way she wants. I'm not sure what to do. My fiance is to the point where he regrets even proposing. Its so stressful! I want to be excited about getting married, but i can't have it my way (not to sound bridezillaish). Im considering just going to the courthouse and signing papers and not having a wedding period. any advice?

joe&cassie · July 2012

Ok well several people will probably get on to you for saying that a court house is not a wedding. However you choose to go about your wedding it is a wedding regardless.

I'm not sure what you are doing in school that will be 8-10 but I'm assuming something medical related. I'm not sure. Are you still in your undergraduate courses? If so I can maybe understand their reasoning because they may want you to have 1 degree before you marry. I know my parents did. They wanted to make sure i could support myself.

Have the wedding you want. If you want to go to the court house go to the court house. If you want a 30K wedding and can afford it then go for it. I would suggest just not bringing it up around them and host the wedding you would like to have and can afford on your own. Maybe if you just want it to be you and your FI then you guys plan to elope to a destination.

Hope I helped.

DramaGeek · July 2012

If your ticker and bio are correct, you're planning a May 2013 wedding and will graduate in April 2014. Given that you're supporting yourselves fully, I don't see that anyone else's opinion matters, quite honestly. Now, if they're funding any of the wedding or your schooling, then you have to make a decision - say thanks but no thanks to the money or bend to their wishes.

As far as grandma, well, mine was irritated with me because I wore tennis shoes, didn't use traditional music, and didn't change my name. When I called to tell her we were engaged she said "but honey, you're too young! He doesn't even have any money!" (never mind the fact that she eloped with my grandpa at 16!). I just rolled my eyes at her and went on with things the way H and I had planned.

They come around. By the time we got married, she was ecstatic and when she passed away 2 years ago she was so proud of us and the life we've created together.

Chloeagh · July 2012

It'll take time. I am the same year in school as you and have been with FI for a little over 3 years as well. My parents are constantly making comments about how I shouldn't get married until I'm out of school (6 more years for me) and my cousins who are getting married at 22 or 23 are too young (I want to get married when I'm 23). Because of this, they freaked out when they saw the ring, so I told them it was a promise ring, because for some reason even though they know we plan to get married, "engagement" is a dirty word.

However, the past few months, things are getting better. My mom and I have had a few discussions about marriage, but no specifics. More jokingly talking about finances (like when I get cut off and how I won't get married until I'm financially independent) or talking about a friend's divorce and our views on marriage. Two of my cousins on my dad's side have gotten married, so a bunch of the girls were talking about who is getting married next, and I mentioned 2015, and when it got back to my dad, he didn't mind too much. My stepmom and stepdad seem to support whenever I get married. FI is going to make me a new ring and because of the circumstances of that (LONG story), I think by the time it's done, my parents will be able to handle me getting engaged.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I sympathise with the lack of family support. My family loves FI and supports us getting married, but we aren't allowed to get engaged. Very strange situation. But I'm sure your family will eventually come around, you just need to give them time and show them that you are mature and understand what marriage is about (that last one is what did it for my mom). Also, have the wedding you want and that you can afford.

Annas2013 · July 2012

My parents were the same. They were willing to help pay for the wedding, but only if we got married after I finished undergrad. My parents had always been upfront with me in that they were cutting me off financially after I graduated college, and that was fine. Granted they're not happy that my FI wants to go to PA school right after college (instead of working for a few years first). But seeing as how we're finishing undergrad first, they can't really say anything. Plus we'll be financially independent. Give it time.

I mean seriously, if you're already living with him and can afford the wedding you want? Have the wedding you want.

JaniV123 · July 2012

coming to what sounds like a family like mine, i say if you guys are already living together do what suit the 2 of you.

ultimately it will be just you guys in the marriage, not your parent, not your grandma, just you guys.

we have been engaged for 3 months now and neither of our families know yet, just some friends but thats it. since we are palnning a 2015 wedding we don't want people judging us for doing things our way and pressuring us into start planning things 2 years and 10 months out. my grandmother will probably freak at first, but we have been together for 5 years so some people are also expecting it in a way.

also do whatever you guys want for your wedding, wether it be elope, going to the courthouse or going all out. if you can afford it, the go for it, do not let anybody force you into doing something you don't want.

sometimes we have to stick up for ourselves and our relationships because we won't be attached to hip to our parents. so relax and sit down withyour FI and talk about your options

HopefulLife · July 2012

Similar situation. When we first got engaged and had an open dated idea, they were super happy and whatnot. Then the "you must finish school first" happened (even though I paid my schooling on my own). I just graduated. Because I'm finished a year early (and knew it last year) my parends tried tacking on another "fi must finish school before you get married" but we're not waiting that long (works better for Fi because he's changing his name, which he wants done before he graduates). We thought about eloping (to avoid drama) as well but decided we were going to have the wedding that we wanted and could afford, so we set our date and are doing this.

tiny speck · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_parents-not-happy-with-getting-married-before-finishing-college?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:6ca13ea1-a8b3-450c-ad0a-1df1db1e7ab7Post:4600d511-84c2-4b1b-a3ec-173a93bb7320">Re: parents not happy with getting married before finishing college</a>:
[QUOTE]It'll take time. I am the same year in school as you and have been with FI for a little over 3 years as well. My parents are constantly making comments about how I shouldn't get married until I'm out of school (6 more years for me) and my cousins who are getting married at 22 or 23 are too young (I want to get married when I'm 23). Because of this, <strong>they freaked out when they saw the ring, so I told them it was a promise ring, because for some reason even though they know we plan to get married, "engagement" is a dirty word.</strong> However, the past few months, things are getting better. My mom and I have had a few discussions about marriage, but no specifics. More jokingly talking about finances (like when I get cut off and how I won't get married until I'm financially independent) or talking about a friend's divorce and our views on marriage. Two of my cousins on my dad's side have gotten married, so a bunch of the girls were talking about who is getting married next, and I mentioned 2015, and when it got back to my dad, he didn't mind too much. My stepmom and stepdad seem to support whenever I get married. FI is going to make me a new ring and because of the circumstances of that (LONG story), I think by the time it's done, my parents will be able to handle me getting engaged. I guess what I'm trying to say is I sympathise with the lack of family support. My family loves FI and supports us getting married, but we aren't allowed to get engaged. Very strange situation. But I'm sure your family will eventually come around, you just need to give them time and show them that you are mature and understand what marriage is about (that last one is what did it for my mom). Also, have the wedding you want and that you can afford.
Posted by Chloeagh[/QUOTE]

Why did you lie and say your engagement ring was a promise ring to appease your family? If you've made up your mind that you want to marry and you're ready to plan a wedding with your FI, I don't see why you wouldn't stand up to your parents and ask that they respect your decision.

Anyway, to the OP, I wouldn't advocate lying or hiding anything from your parents if you have made your decision and feel that you are independent from them. Ask that they respect your decision and move on with your plans, whether they do or don't. Best of luck to you.

JillianRose21 · July 2012

I did the same thing as Chloeagh.
I have a ring and my fiance and I have decided we are getting married (no suprise proposal) but I told my family it is a promise ring. I'm only 20 years old and we don't plan on having the wedding for another 2 years but him and I both know that if we told our parents now they would freak out. Since I'm still living under their roof and they are helping me pay for school, we decided after hearing them explain to people many many times that we are "too young to get married" when asked about my ring, that we would wait another year to announce our engagement. That way my parents have a little more time to get used to the idea, I don't get stressed out from hearing "you're too young" all the time, and everyone is happy.
In the end, they won't be upset that we lied to them about the promise ring. They will understand and be happy for us.

My situation is different since I'm young and still financially dependant. Trying sitting down with your parents and talking to them calmly about the situation. Ask them why they want you to wait until you are out of school. Explain to them why you don't feel the need to wait. As long as nobody becomes heated and lashes out, a simple conversation may help to solve things.

boomboom1243 · July 2012

My dad was full on about me finishing school before getting married. Me and my fiancee have been together for 5 years engaged for 4. mainly we waited till we were stable he graduated and got a job, I have full time job but still going to school. I should finish in April but not sure if thats happening we are getting married in June. everything is set so honestly i dont see why it matters if we marry before or after. I wanted to get married a year ago but he wasnt ready which i understood. ANYWAYS its your wedding and your life do what you feel is right i wish i was married now then i could have more federal aid then have to go through private loans.!! although i will tell you it is extremely stressful between my full time job full time classes AND we are purchasing a house by FEB that sometimes i wish i could just put off school longer even if it means an extra year!

colleen71286 · August 2012

Usually I would say your folks may have a point. However, if you are both totally financially independent and feel mature enough to get married now, do it. Stick to what you can afford and have the wedding that makes you happy. Don't worry about what others say. They'll come around eventually.

Nessasaurus · September 2012

I agree with JillianRose21.

The best thing you can do is talk to them. I am in a similar situation, I am 20 years old and still financially dependant so both my parents and his parents wanted us to wait until I finished college, even though my fiance is already out of college and has a full time job. So we sat down and talked to them and after each of us explained our points of view they agreed with us, with the only condition that i had to finish school. Now we are planning a May 2013 wedding and I am able to share it all with both my parents and his parents and it has been a great experience for all of us.

parents not happy with getting married before finishing college

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