bitchy bridesmaids! ugh

candr09 · August 2009

I have 5 bridesmaids, and a male MOH. My bridesmaids include my two "best friends" who i've been friends with for about 10 years, and my three cousins. MOH is a cousin as well. Basically, originally one of the two best friends was MOH... we had a huge fight about 6 months ago (me and both friends). I wont get into the details, all three of us did wrong, all three of us got upset, but all three us agreed that while we were hurt, and healing would take time, it wasn't something to end our friendships over. After letting things settle for about a month, we all got together and did alot of talking. At that point i decided that while i loved her dealy, it just didnt seem right for the one to be MOH. (at that point a promoted my closest friend aside from those two, who had been a groomsman, to be my maid (man) of honor). I let both of the friends know that i still wanted them to be a part of my day, and i hoped that by that time (6 months later) things would be more back to normal. But i aslo gave them both an "out" at that point. I let them know that while i loved them and wanted them to be in my wedding, i only wanted them to do it if they wanted to. I didnt want them to feel obligated if they were still too hurt from the fight, and everything else.Neither of them took the easy out. They both said that of course they were going to be there for me and they were honored i still wanted to include them. Things felt good at that point.As time has went on, i really havn't seen them. Ive talked to them here and there, but i've been the one calling them, or emailing them, or initiating the communication. Ive gotten mostly short answers from them, and conflicting schedules isn't helping us trying to get together. Even though it feels like i'm the only one actually trying.In anycase... my shower was this past weekend. It was a suprise so i didnt really know too much until after. But lets just say, one of them didnt get there until an hour after i did, and both left early. They didnt sit with me or the other bridesmaids, and after the shower my mom, aunts, and other bridesmaids all informed me that they didnt help with squat, and barely replied to any of their phone calls or emails in the planning process. I feel completely betrayed. If they're hearts werent going to be in it, or they were stillmad, or whatever.. i gave them the perfect opportunity to politely decline from being a bridesmaid over 6 months ago... i would have much rather have them told me then that they didnt want to do it for whatever reason, then to be acting like this a month before my wedding. I just dont know how to handle it anymore. I'm pissed. I really dont want to "kick them out"... i feel like i'd regret that in the long run (i guess i'm still holding onto the hope that eventually we'll get back to the pre-fight friendship...and i wouldnt want my best friends to have not been a part of my wedding day)... i just dont know how to proceed from here.On the upside, the other bridesmaid and MOH really stepped up to give me a wonderful shower, and they've been awesome with offering to help and being involved. They are my only sanity right now.(sorry that was long... i just needed to vent... how do YOU deal with bitchy bridesmaids!?)... did i mention my weddings in a month!

mbcdefg · August 2009

My guess is that they're very hurt over being "demoted."

candr09 · August 2009

i guess i forgot to mention... the original MOH had first "demoted" me from being her MOH.... the fight was about a month or so before HER wedding.And she had said to me that she also just wouldnt feel right about being MOH.. but that she still wanted to be a bridesmaid and wanted to be invlolved...

emilykathleen511 · August 2009

Is there a question somewhere?

mbcdefg · August 2009

i guess i forgot to mention... the original MOH had first "demoted" me from being her MOH.... the fight was about a month or so before HER wedding.Two separate fights? Geez. From this bit of info, sounds like you probably don't have that great of a friendship with this person to begin with. Either stay friends and learn how to be mature and get along with each other and avoid drama ... or end the friendship entirely and take both situations as lessons learned for how not to deal with future friends.

Leah&Christian09 · August 2009

Basically, all this is that you're upset that they came late/left early at your shower and didn't help plan it?Yeah, you are seriously overreacting. It's just a shower. They aren't required to plan it. They aren't required to help do it. They aren't required to attend. Get over it.

jeannigirl · August 2009

Two wrongs don't make a right.

candr09 · August 2009

mbcdefg --- No, it was one fight. It happend like i said, about a month before her wedding... I was still in her wedding (just not moh)... but i had still offered to be there for her for things even after the fight.And yes, i am mad that they came late/left early for my shower. Because yes, i see throwing the shower as a bridesmaid responsability. I know people say bridesmaids are required to do anything but stand next to you during the ceremony... and while i would never DEMAND my bridesmaids to do anything more... i do expect them to at least talk to me within the 6 months before the wedding. And i threw both of thier showers for their weddings (not that i threw them alone, but i was involved and organized alot of it), and i made phone calls to them every week within the months before their wedding... just asking them what kinda wedding things they were doing that week... letting them know what days i had free if they needed help with anything, and just asking how things are going. Now while that may be above and beyond traditional bridesmaid duties, and i dont expect that from them... i do at least expect them to show some interest. I understand they have their own lives, and things going on. and i still call them now and then asking them how they are and what not... i dont even mention wedding things to them most of the time... but i just think it would be nice for them to at least say "hey cor, hows the wedding plans coming?" or something. If they had no interest in my wedding, they should have said so when i told them "i only want you to be in the wedding if you want to be". If that makes me a bridezilla, then so be it. but i'm not gonna "just get over" the fact that two of my bridesmaids have no interest in my wedding, and really no interest in talking to me or being friends.

mbcdefg · August 2009

So then I think you need to ask yourself why they're doing this to you. Take some time to think about all your interactions with them and what you've all said or done to each other. Invite each of them out for coffee and ask them yourself (one at a time), if you can't figure it out on your own.

Leah&Christian09 · August 2009

i'm not gonna "just get over" the fact that two of my bridesmaids have no interest in my wedding, Then you really need to get over yourself. You are not acting like a bridezilla. You are acting like a lifezilla.

Valco · August 2009

This is my first, and likely only, post on these boards. I am very sorry you're going through this so soon before your wedding. I can entirely sympathize as I also have been feeling rather let down by my friends/wedding party lately (my wedding is in late September). I won't hijack your post with my tales of woe, but they are somewhat similar to yours, only without the fight, just general disinterest from my nearest and dearest. I think people tend to confuse hurt feelings with "Bridezilla" behaviour. If this was your birthday party would everyone be dumping on you for your complaints? I don't think so. But because it has to do with your wedding, people can simply say you're being "bitchy" or "demanding." In my humble opinion, you are entirely justified in feeling hurt, disappointed, and angry. Your "friends'" behaviour is unacceptable under any circumstances, nonetheless for someone in your bridal party. I don't think its too much to ask for bridesmaids to help with the planning of your shower and to be on time. Also, I think an reasonable duty to expect is that bridesmaids will be positive co-hosts at all wedding-related functions. At the very minimum, they should reply promptly to emails or phone calls. What really shocks me though is the responses to your post. I am appalled by the number of posts similar to yours (brides-to-be clearly in distress) that are met with bitchy replies by what appear to be long-time posters. These do not appear to be "welcoming" or "supportive" boards. Instead, people are attacked for expressing their feelings (logical or otherwise) during a very stressful time in their lives. It depresses me that the posters here, who I expect have been through similar issues, have absolutely no sympathy or patience for their fellow brides. I have to wonder why they are even on these boards, if not to provide advice and support to each other. It appears many of the women on here are just looking for newbies to rag on. Perhaps they all had romance-novel weddings where they never got stressed, never had money or etiquette problems, never got mad at their fiance, friends, family etc. Lucky them. Maybe they could scrounge up a little pity for the rest of us saps. If they didn't have perfect weddings, perhaps this is all part of some sick hazing ritual where we're all expected to go through the same crap without any help because the last bunch had to. Good luck with your wedding. My only advice is that you consider approaching the friends in question and explain why your feelings are hurt. Do not accuse, simply explain how you are feeling. They may not be aware of the fact that you are upset or of how their actions are affecting you. I hope you can salvage your friendships in time for your big day and I'm glad you have other people there for you!

mbcdefg · August 2009

Plus, remember that there's a HUGE difference between someone "not caring about [your] wedding" and not caring about YOU. A wedding is, essentially, a one-day party. A bridesmaid is a one-day role. This is a case of friendships that need healing, not "bitchy bridesmaids." Everything in your post revolves around them being your bridesmaids, not about your relationships with them in regular life.

candr09 · August 2009

"Secondly, if someone came on here complaining because they were entitled to have two specific girls throw them a birthday party, was upset that someone ELSE threw them a birthday party instead, and then got really hurt because one of the girls showed up late to the birthday party... then yes, I would be giving that girl one heck of a wake up call if I could. "not if the two specific girls were already asked months earlier if they wanted to be involved in the whole birthday celebration, and they insisted they wanted to help you with everything for your birthday and they were honored to be a part of your birthday... My main complaint is that they didnt just tell me that they werent interested. Or didnt have time. Or they were too mad for it. or their hearts just wernt in it. Or whatever. If they had just said that to me, i woulda said okay. I woulda been hurt, but not as hurt as i am now. they shouldnt have insisted on still being a part of it if they wern't going to follow through. Thats my issue with it.

bablingbrooke · August 2009

First, no real person feels that way about a birthday party, so really consider what you would really do. Unless they specifically said "We will throw you a shower", you can't assume that's what they meant. Some BMs consider being a part of the wedding to be at the wedding itself, nothing earlier. Some consider showing up to be the extent of their obligation; I have been a BM and just attended the shower, rather than plan it. It didn't mean I didn't support the bride or the marriage or that I wasn't excited for her one bit; it just meant I couldn't help or wasn't asked to help by the person throwing it. Do you understand the distinction?

Leah&Christian09 · August 2009

No one is out to get anyone. Some of us are here to try to discourage people from turning BSC and mistreating people over their wedding.It doesn't seem to be working. You may as well just kick them out altogether and save them the trouble. Clearly you don't want to be friends anymore. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone that would freak out this much over me coming late to a shower.

bablingbrooke · August 2009

Thanks Stage! But it was a nightmare MOH; my BMs were awesome

And it didn't ruin either the wedding or the relationship; sis actually called me to wish me a happy birthday the other day. But I"ll bet you anything if I'd kicked her out things would be much worse and I'd be crying if I saw my wedding photos. And she would have called to wish me something else on my birthday

bablingbrooke · August 2009

For reference: http://talk.theknot.com/boards/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=61608609

candr09 · August 2009

they said "i want to help with everything and be involved" and they havn't helped or been involved with anything. Yes, they arn't obligated to throw a shower... but i assumed a shower was included in "everything". but apparently "everything" actually means nothing. i'm really not trying to sound bitchy or needy or whatever. But i wish some of you would put yourself in my shoes for a few minutes. 1- Your stressed to begin with due to general wedding planning stress2- You've recently gotten in a big fight with two of your best friends3- These two best friends and you have sat down and talked about things since the fight, and all agreed that you'd try to work things out4- Since that talk, your the only one whose even tryed to get in touch with the others, and when you have, you've been met with resistance.5- These are supposed to be your bridesmaids in your upcoming wedding. You were their bridesmaids and you devoted 90% of your free time leading up to thier weddings, to them. for whatever they needed you to do. Yet within the months leading up to your wedding, they've barely even asked you how your doing, yet alone anything wedding related.Honestly, i think you'd be upset too. and ps.. both of their weddings were AFTER the fight... and even though i was hurt and upset from the fight, i sucked it up to be there for them... i guess i shouldnt have expected the same, but i did. My bad.

bablingbrooke · August 2009

It sounds like theyr'e not over the fight and they are phoning this in to honor the commitment. I mean, honestly, given the history, they ARE honoring a commitment. But if you have a huge falling out with your best friends, they aren't going to automatically go above and beyond for you. If the wedding is causing you THAT much stress, scale it back. Wedding planning is only as stressful as YOU want to make it. This is from a bride who was totally zen from start to finish with only minor exceptions. And read my post that I provided a link to. If anyone had a WP member to complain about, it was me. I promise you the wedding isn't going to be ruined because one or two BMs didn't do anything for your shower. You can't control other people but you can control how you respond. I'm really not picking on you, I'm just trying to give you some perspective.

Leah&Christian09 · August 2009

I had 4 BMs (including MOH). I don't fight with my friends. We're just not all drama like that. I saw 2 of them all the time. The other 2 I rarely talk to. Only 1 came to my shower. Only 1 had anything to do with my shower. None of them ever called me to ask me about anything wedding related, other than their dresses. Not once. Not in the last week before the wedding. No one asked me if I needed help with anything. I planned a wedding and invited 300 people. I did it on my own, with a demanding career. I did several DIY projects, and I am not a crafty person. MY H and I spent a lot of time and money on the wedding. We enjoyed doing it together.I still managed to get through it without stressing out and blaming all this stress on my BMs or freaking out at them for not coming to parties or not calling me. On the day of the wedding, there was no resentment or drama with my girls, b/c they did what I expected: get a dress, show up clean and sober, walk down the aisle, have a great time. We managed to have a great time. We had a great time, and they are still my best friends in the world.

KappaK · August 2009

Whine, whine, whine...it seems like 99.9% of the women who go nuts and think their BMs are horrible and not involved enough in THEIR wedding think they are unique and special, and they all think that we they do not get the responses they want, that everyone is being mean. Blah, why post if you don't want opinions? Write in a journal or something if you do not want to hear them.

candr09 · August 2009

i'm not asking them to go above and beyond. I'm asking for a phone call once in a while to say "hey how are you?" I didnt think that was too much to ask from a friend. I know it seems like this is mostly aimed at the shower issue and the fact that they arn't helping... but it really boils down to the fact that i feel like i'm the only one still fighting for this friendship, yet instead of them just saying "you know what, i CANT get over this fight, i'm done, sorry" they just keep kinda stringing it along. And i really feel like thats not fair. i feel like i have a false hope that all will eventually be well again... even though they're actions show that they just dont care anymore. i guess all i really want from them is honesty and commitment. I want them to either say "i still want to be friends and get back to how we used to be" and follow it up with actually TRYING to get back to how we used to be (i'm not an idiot, i know these things take time... but its been over 6 months already..) or they can say "i do want to save the friendship, but i'm not ready to do it yet, i'll keep in touch and let you know when i'm ready to get together again" or they can just say "its not worth the bullshit, it was fun while it lasted, good luck in life" and move on. Although the later two would suck, at least i'd know where we stand. I know you guys are trying to offer prospective... but it just seemed like some of the responses werent really adressing the whole picture, they were only addressing the things i did wrong, and not acknowldgeing that i had anything to be upset over.

bablingbrooke · August 2009

When you start off with "I had a big fight with my BMs 6 months ago, and now they showed up late to/left early from the shower, so I want to kick them out" you are going to get reactions based on that. When you add later on that you're more concerned for the friendship and the fact that they aren't really reciprocating when you reach out, people will respond to that information. The most glaring things will get the most attention. Not knowing what you fought about, it can sometimes take a very long time for certain wounds to heal. I have no idea if this is something a normal person would take a very long time to get over or if they're overreacting. But people heal at their own rate. And some people never get over their injuries. Again, I don't know what the fight was about (and I'm not asking since I can understand you don't want to share it) but it does take both sides to want to work out the friendship. When you call, is it about the friendship and everyone's non-wedding-related lives (yours and theirs) or is it all wedding stuff? If the former, I think you're doing everything you can. If the latter, that might explain it.

Junebug060609 · August 2009

i'm really not trying to sound bitchy or needy or whatever. But i wish some of you would put yourself in my shoes for a few minutes. 1- Your stressed to begin with due to general wedding planning stressExactly. You're putting way too much focus into something that under other circumstances wouldn't (hopefully) be such a big deal. The level of stress for your wedding is only going in increase in the coming weeks, a month out is nothing. People have lives outside your wedding. Some people can and will dissapoint you with their level of interest in your wedding. We've all BTDT, trust me.2- You've recently gotten in a big fight with two of your best friends3- These two best friends and you have sat down and talked about things since the fight, and all agreed that you'd try to work things outYou've said yourself that the fallout of this fight was something that would take time to heal, for all parties. Clearly you've not forgiven or forgotten, why are you expecting that they would have. They are probably hurting too.4- Since that talk, your the only one whose even tryed to get in touch with the others, and when you have, you've been met with resistance.Maybe that resistance is a sign that they are still hurt by things you said/did in that fight. Or that they don't care to be around you at the current time.5- These are supposed to be your bridesmaids in your upcoming wedding. You were their bridesmaids and you devoted 90% of your free time leading up to thier weddings, to them. for whatever they needed you to do. Yet within the months leading up to your wedding, they've barely even asked you how your doing, yet alone anything wedding related.Nobody cares as much about your wedding as you do. It was your choice that you devoted 90% of your free time to their wedding. Seriously, focus on those that ARE stepping up to the plate. You've apparently got a wonderful BM and MOH.

banana468 · August 2009

Valco and candr, as co-MOD, Retread or I would delete posts that are out of line. The ladies on this board offer candid, frank advice but they weren't mean.I think Junebug offered some wonderful words in her post.Beyond that, Candr, I'd talk to each BM individually to say, "I think there may still be some tension between us and I just want to let you know how much you mean to me. Is there anything I can do so that our friendship is as strong and wonderful as it once was?"It's not appropriate to show up late to a shower but focus on the larger picture - they may be acting rather passive/aggressive towards you over the fight. Work to see how you can resolve those differences rather than focus on the past and what did or didn't happen.

ffmaid · August 2009

1. You had a huge fight with them 2. Yiou demoted them. Now you are surprised they are not ga ga to help with your wedding frufru stuff. Just be greatful taht they even attended BM are not obligated to attend or host a shower. You are having friendship troubles not BM troubles. Sounds like they are doing what you are which is trying hard to go alone out of respect with teh friendship and hopes that it will heal over time. Do that yourself and be greatful for what they do now. This is not them being bitchy or you being bitychy. It is simply that you are expecting more then you should because that kind of nice stuff is not because people are bm it is the generosity of their hearts and right now it seems like you have used up all teh generosity they have. Be calm. Realize this is a friend issue not a bm issue. Lower expectations

artemis82 · August 2009

Perfect case in point with the standard bitchy, attack the bride attitude. This bride deserves to feel hurt. Her friendships have been damaged and she's trying to fix them. All you can focus on is the fact that she demoted them (with full understanding and agreement from them for a good reason) and that she's complaining about the shower... you guys need to realise that sometimes weddings bring out people's true colours and it's a shcock for a girl who thought her friendships were on the mend to see that they really aren't. It's not the bride's fault that she didn't see this coming and is now hurt by it. Why can't you guys just learn to support fellow brides the way this board is meant to? Focus on the fact that she's hurting, not that she's comitted an etiquette faux pas according to your laws of WP.

bablingbrooke · August 2009

Deanna, you aren't going to change anyone's minds so please stop telling us what to write. I'm really getting sick of this.

banana468 · August 2009

Deanna, please be careful. If you post in every thread that posters who don't agree with the OP are wrong and being bitchy, it's walking a fine line as harassing behavior which is against the rules.

AdelaC · August 2009

I am confused!! Is this group think?The above posters are upset by using the word "bitchy" but have no qualms to responding to a thread with the subject line "Bitchy bridesmaid". Anyone else see irony in this?Lets not throw around the banning or harrasment as heavy weight to get your way.

bablingbrooke · August 2009

Adela, they are the moderators and are very fair. It's one thing to say people are acting "bitchy" and quite another to call people "bitchy" as persons, not their actions. There's a difference and it's been decided that said difference is important on this board.

bitchy bridesmaids! ugh

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