Ugh-- I wasn't looking forward to these conversations

jarmstrong23 · August 2009

Good news: My RSVPs are coming back! Yay! Bad news: One of my coworkers included his 4 (or 5)-year-old daughter on the RSVP. She wasn't included on the inner envelope. We've created something of a slippery slope for ourselves, but I didn't think it would be an issue. We're not having an "adults only" wedding, but we didn't invite everyone's kids, either. We decided to include children on invitations if we had a relationship with those kids. For example, my best friends' children, his cousins' children, etc. were all invited. Children of coworkers, however, don't fall into this category. It's not that I don't like this little girl-- she's been cute the 3 or 4 times I've met her (her dad gave me a ride to work a few times, and I pretty much only know her sitting in a carseat). But, the point is, I invited 2 people from their house-- not 3. And the weird thing-- they have another younger child (1-2 years old) but they did not include him. Is it possible that they thought it was an option, even if the kids' names were not included on the inner envelopes? Is it possible that the inner envelolpe isn't as clear as I thought it was? WWYD?

Future.Mrs.Shawty · August 2009

Some people don't get it. It's absolutely rude to write "adults only" on the invitation so we do our best to convey this in other ways. What you did was absolutely one of the best ways. What *I* did was put how many seats were reserved for each invitation on the RSVP cards.FI's uncle is going to bring his 10 year old daughter instead of his wife because their highschooler has a football game that weekend. We ARE doing "no kids" but I have absolutely NO desire to rock that boat especially with family. His daughter is just going to be reallllly bored being the only kid. I ALSO fear that if I let this go (which I'm going to let it go) then it will open up doors for others to bring their children. Ugh. Oh well. We'll cross that bridge if we ever come to it.But, I think your best bet is to just call him and let him know that there are only 2 seats reserved for him at the reception and apologize for any confusion. Put the blame on yourself so that he doesn't feel offended.

hccpsu · August 2009

It is sticky, but remember you aren't the one that erred here, your co-worker did, so don't feel bad about explaining that you're sorry, but his daughter wasn't included in the invitation. You could say something about being at your venue limits (if you're close), if you feel the need to give a reason, but it's not necessary. Just say you got his RSVP, you're happy he can attend, but you had only reserved two spots for he and his wife, and that you hope he can still make it but you understand if he can't.

tb583 · August 2009

Erin- What wording did you use on your RSVPs to specify how many seats you are holding? This sounds like a really good idea. FI wants to put 'Adult Only' on the invitation but I explained to him that it was rude.

Future.Mrs.Shawty · August 2009

Please please please don't put "adult only" on the invititation. Those words are so harsh and can be taken so offensively. The last thing you want to do is offend someone you are inviting to your wedding.My wording was:We are looking forward to celebrating with youWe have reserved ___ seats in your honor.The favor of your reply is requested bySeptember 4, 2009M_____________________________Will attend__Must declineIt's not a "fool proof" way of getting the "no kids" message across - just as people disregard the names on the inner envelope like in Jen's situation. But it's way better than "Adult only"

jeremy.teresa · August 2009

We are probably going to have the exact same problem. I haven't started getting any RSVP's back yet, but I expect to any day now. Even though we have made it more than clear via word of mouth, on our wedding website, and how we addressed the invitations, we are sure to have certain family members that will assume their kids are invited. I agree w/ pp that you just have to tell your co-worker that you don't have the room for kids if you have to give a reason. GL my dear!

tb583 · August 2009

I told FI that putting "adult only" on the invitation is absolutely out of the question. He just doesn't want to deal with having to call his friends and family and tell them no kids after they RSVP with them. I definitely like your wording and will do something similar. Thanks!

tdmd09 · August 2009

I've found some people still get confused. We did the same wording as one of the other posters and said X seats reserved for you. We got an email from one of FI's coworkers who said "I'm confused. You said there are 2 seats for us. Does this mean our daughter isn't invited?"I politely explained that yes, we are unable to accommodate everyone's kids (we're only having kids of immediate family). She was OK with it, just wanted clarification. But really.. why did it require clarification in the first place? :-/

amy5542 · August 2009

We are not having an "adut only" wedding as many of our friends do have children. My RSVP's are all in and I can tell you I was REALLY shocked at how many people are bringing there children. When sending out the invitaitons they were addressed to the adults only, but as I said I do not mind if children come. We had several invites that went out addressed to 2 people and the RSVP's came back with 6 and 7 attending. It blew me away!!!!!!! I personally like to party alot when I go to a wedding so I leave my child behind, but everyone is different. Do you have room for 1 more child? I don't know if it would be worth gertting worked up about for 1 child. I think I would just add in a seat for them. Good Luck with your decision!

timmysgal1 · August 2009

eh...i would probably let it slide. especially if you have a "slippery slope" of kids coming. it might be easier to just keep the peace. also, mayyyyybe they didn't put the smallest child on the RSVP card becuase it's too young to eat adult food (or won't like the adult food) so they'll bring food for the kid. so i would at the very least double check that they are only bring ONE child, so you have enough seats.

megzies7777 · August 2009

Sorry, I agree with the above. If possible, let it slide. They're in the wrong, but it just doesn't seem worth it to bring it up, especially just for one. Who knows, maybe one of their kids has separation anxiety when they leave them with sitters or something weird like that. OR they're just rude, but try to "rise above" and be a gracious host anyways.

aWb · August 2009

I agree with pp. Yes, it is annoying, but there are bigger fires to maintain and put out. I would let it go. good luck and Yay for RSVPs coming back! I had a dream none of them were returned.

fejesmk · August 2009

I guess i don't see what the big deal is about putting Adult Reception on the reception card. I have ever heard of someone being offended by this. I would be more offended if I RSVP'ed and then someone called me and said I couldn't bring my kid (even if it was my fault for mis-reading the inner envelope that most people don't analze to see who is invited)

Future.Mrs.Shawty · August 2009

Well, I guess I don't expect you to understand since you don't have any kids.

fejesmk · August 2009

that's why I said I have never heard of anyone else saying they were offended. I would think that you would see it and be like "oh Adult Reception, NO kids are invited. Not just mine".

Future.Mrs.Shawty · August 2009

I don't know that most (polite) guests would voice their offense they may or may not take to rather tacky words placed on an invitation. Do you think I voiced my disapproval of how the seating arrangement went and how miserable it was for me at the wedding I was at this weekend?? Of course not! Do you think I told the bride that everything was perfect and I've never had a better time? Of course I did.

fejesmk · August 2009

you need to accept that there are those types of people that you cannot win with. If you say Adults Only you"offend them" or you have to call them when they add their children to the RSVP and you "offend them". Either way you "offend them". You said yourself no way is fool proof and by going the second route you don't have to hear that they are offended.I agree that most people are polite and won't say anything so that's what I would like to hear...nothing. Obviously anyone who was offended wouldn't tell the bride, but since i have not been a bride before I would think i would have heard this from others telling me (the friend or family member) how they are offended.In Jarmstrongs case this coworker is going to feel bad when he is told he cannot bring his kid but then sees other kids there. And even if they didn't add their kid to the RSVP, when they see other kids there they will wonder why their kid wasn't invited.

Future.Mrs.Shawty · August 2009

I guess I'm just a believer in "if there's a better way to do it, choose the better way" In this case, not choosing the tacky route.In the end, each person chooses which way they will go.

fejesmk · August 2009

tacky is saying "no kids" not "adults only"...google it

tia0314 · August 2009

Why do some people even comment on the boards? We have peace for awhile and then starts the drama! Who cares what the hell "Google" says? Everyone has their own opinion and all jen was trying to do is vent her frustration and ask for advice from girls who have been in the situation before (with kids!) I'm so sick of girls saying "ettiquette says..."

fejesmk · August 2009

Exactly and who is to call someone elses wedding tacky. No one has that authority.

Future.Mrs.Shawty · August 2009

I wont post in response to this because it would just be stupid.

fejesmk · August 2009

Yes, because what you wrote sounds much more intelligent.

stosha1 · August 2009

While I think the above drama is filled with humor: Jen: the kid thing SUCKS. We (of course) didn't put "Adults Only' on the invites because I thought it was tacky (without the use of Google). It was my own Carrie Google that told me that.I had put on the inner envelope "x and Y" and they respond with EIGHT people yes. They don't have 6 kids. I don't know who the heck they thought they were bringing. Get a grip. I gave the invite to FI and said "Call them". Yeah it stinks but it's something we had to do.Honestly, I think some people who have children (SOME PEOPLE---NOT ALL PEOPLE) think that because they now have children, that I should make accomodations for them. But when THEY got married, it was of course a no-child reception. Just because I waited to 1.get married and 2. have kids doesn't mean that I love their children less, it just means I don't want them screaming at the reception.Good luck Jen, it's only going to get worse.

jarmstrong23 · August 2009

Well, I just thought that the inner envelope made it clear. For example, there was a long period of time when I was single and not dating anyone. I went to several weddings-- no, scratch that-- I was also IN several weddings during this time. Whenever I received an invitation in the mail, it either said "Jennifer" or "Jennifer and Guest." It was very clear to me whether or not my hosts expected me to bring a date. I didn't add a "+1" to RSVPs that didn't specifically indicate that it was available to me. I'm just aggravated-- and I fear that Carrie's right, it may only get worse. It's not that I don't want HIS kid, and it's not even the lack of space-- it's the principal. We have other friends/family that haven't received invitations yet b/c we simply couldn't afford to invite everyone we wanted. If I get to choose between giving an available seat to his daughter versus a seat to another friend (or better yet, a +1 for a single friend that I wasn't able to do before), I choose for him to leave his daughter at home. This coworker is an easy-going guy, so when I explain that I didn't think his daughter would really know ME (unlike the other kids that were invited) he'll probably be okay with it. My other option is to tell him, for now, we only have space for 2... and once we get closer to the actual date, I can let him know if a seat is available for his daughter. Thanks for the responses

jeremy.teresa · August 2009

Carrie is right. Like always. :)We thought we were doing the right thing by only listing who was invited, too. We were very clear on the STD's that we sent out back in Feb this year. We were just as clear when I mailed the invites last week. Then we get a call from FI's dad last night b/c they are worried that his one aunt doesn't know she can't bring their kids. So FI just explained to them that (1) his parents shouldn't be worrying about it; its our thing to deal with, (2) if they respond w/ more than the 2 people we listed on the invite, he will call them and tell them kids aren't invited, (3) its on our wedding website which was there when we sent out the STD's. Yeah, it causes issues w/ some people, but you deal with it. Its def stressful, and I know it will only get worse from here. People will either come and accept our decisions, or they won't. Nothing we can do. GL Jen!

Mrs42509 · August 2009

Are all your RSVP in yet? We had 1 person do this so we ended up not saying anything thinking one kid isn't going to make a difference.If this is the only one that did it I'd let it go.

Future.Mrs.Shawty · August 2009

Kelly - I was debating on commenting on your comment, but I think a comment like that deserves and explanation.

jarmstrong23 · August 2009

What a terrible thing to say! On a board where we help each other plan weddings, you're going to talk about being divorced?? Unreal.

tia0314 · August 2009

Who is this bird?!

Future.Mrs.Shawty · August 2009

My thoughts exactly. I'd never wish that on anyone.

Ugh-- I wasn't looking forward to these conversations

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