bitchy bridesmaids! ugh

banana468 · August 2009

And the mods have spoken. :-)

salt78 · August 2009

I don't have biitchy bridesmaids because I don't hurt their feelings by demoting them nor do I care if they attend or help out with parties for me. I'd be pissed at you too if I were your friend. I think you should get to apologizing and stop acting like such a victim.

banana468 · August 2009

Adela, there is a difference between giving objective advice to a bride that happens to not tell her what she wants to hear and coming onto threads saying that those who give advice that may not validate the OP are being bitchy.That's NOT constructive and if that's all you have to say on threads, you will give Retread and me no other option but to ban. It's fine to disagree - that's part of what makes this forum. Do so without name calling and by offering constructive advice of your own. THAT is what makes these boards a great place. Healthy debate is great. The callouts and attacks are simply not acceptable.

artemis82 · August 2009

To the mods.I apologize for using the word bitchy... although Adela's point is interesting, but I have only posted in one thread plus the one that I wrote... I hardly call that harassing. I will not post in others at your request but I would like to formally object to having such a threat when I didn't call anyone in specific bitchy and have only posted in one other thread. I disagree with your advice and just wanted to point out an example... I will bow out as clearly dissenting opionion is not allowed,Good Bye

ffmaid · August 2009

A disenting opinion is very encouranged. Name calling is not. You are being unreasonable

banana468 · August 2009

Deanna, dissenting opinion is welcome.How you phrased it was not acceptable. I'm sorry that you feel that how you phrased and being able to dissent are one and the same - they absolutely aren't.Lurk for a while and you'll see that we engage in healthy debate all the time without name calling. You're more than welcome to come back and express your argument as long as it's not name calling.

AdelaC · August 2009

"Your behavior now borders upon trolling. Please keep tot the subject, and attack messages rather than posters, or we will have no choice but to begin deleting posts."Retread: Considering this is my third post of the day...I hardly constitute this as trolling. The ONLY reason why I am responding is because, while I don't agree with deanna...she has been one of few to disagree, and within moments was bombarded by the same posters. Retread, I can't count how many you have responded to in one thread defending your comments and vehemently disagreeing.Opinions are welcomed, but it seems only if they agree with your lines. I have watched these threads for a couple of weeks now, and I am disappointed that it seems the same posters respond to EVERY thread. If you disagree...just go back and read the last 5 posts.While you hate my calling this a "witch hunt", I will equate this regulating to the feel of a over zealous PTA mom with a power issue.To the OP: I am sorry for ignoring your comment, and responding to other things first. I can certainly understand why you would be hurt and upset. My guess is that having others (family, friends) point out the lack of interest only riled you up further. I said this in another thread, but concentrate on the ones that are excited for you. Have lunch with the "non-excited" girls on SEPARATE occasions, and don't mention the wedding...at all. Just chat with them about life, and when they bring up the wedding....pass it off and bring somethign else up about them. (People love to talk about themselves, be it good or bad). This may be a breath of fresh air, and even reunite some friendship moments! I do say do this separate, because its amazing how women can gang up and feed off of each other. (see above examples!!!) Meeting with them separate breaks down any defense walls. Good luck!!! keep us posted

duckie1905 · August 2009

I'm asking for a phone call once in a while to say "hey how are you?" I didnt think that was too much to ask from a friend.No, you aren't. You want them to show interest in your wedding. If you wanted a phone call you'd be posting on myfriendsignoreme.com and asking why your friends won't talk to you. The only thing that is upsetting you is that they aren't falling over themselves with interest in your wedding.It doesn't really sound like you had a great relationship before. She demotes you, you demote her...it sounds like you have serious issues with your friendship. Take your wedding 100% out of the equation and mend your friendship while their is still time.

banana468 · August 2009

Opinions are welcomed, but it seems only if they agree with your lines. I have watched these threads for a couple of weeks now, and I am disappointed that it seems the same posters respond to EVERY thread. If you disagree...just go back and read the last 5 posts.Adele, you are mistaken. Opinions most certainly are welcomed. People can agree or disagree on these boards. I've engaged in debate with several regulars over time. That said, there's a way to engage and argue here and hurling insults or throwing accusations isn't the eway to do it. If you constantly badmouth others, it's harassment and it won't be tolerated. THAT is the difference. There are regulars on here who will respond to many posts. That's welcomed! And a post with a title like this is going to get attention so many people will respond.While you hate my calling this a "witch hunt", I will equate this regulating to the feel of a over zealous PTA mom with a power issue.Again, a difference. Retread and I must adhere to Knot rules. If a person gets out of hand and does not follow the rules as outlined then we're forced to take actions.If you disagree with the advice here then by all means state your advice. Others may not agree with what you say but you are encouraged to post - as long as you do so within the rules.

jeannigirl · August 2009

I do believe that we can all understand when we have a fight or fall out with a friend, the hurt that accompanies that. Yes sometimes in the heat of the argument their may be some crushing things said and done. The best thing that any one can do in this situation is to take accountability for the part you played apolize and move on. Wallowing in the self-pity and poor me gets old. It takes 2 to argue. It is upsetting I am sure candr that your friends are not has attentive and helpful to you with your wedding has you were for theirs. You made the choice to do that for your friends. Now I don't know what your motive was. From reading your posts it comes out has to what you did for them and almost sounds like that you did that for them and they should do the same for you.This is a hard lesson to learn and it took me awhile to get it. Noone will do or think the same way you do and you can't do something for someone with the idea that they owe you in return. You do things for others because thats the kind of person you are. I understand totally about the hurt you are feeling. If you have done everything that you can do to bridge the gap and they are not responding. You have a choice to contuine to be hurt or move on and put this behind you.You will be marrying the man you want to share the rest of your life with that is the most important thing for you to focus on. Let go of all this other stuff because it is just stuff.

LarissaAnn · August 2009

Actually, there have been many times that I've disagreed with the majority here, and have only been warned once for either crossing the line or getting too close to it. In this instance, for example, I kinda feel for OP and agree with some of what Deanna has said. OP thought her friendships would immediately revert back to what they'd been pre-fight. They didn't. It's disappointing and hurtful. She's not asking to kick anyone out, she's not freaking out. She's just hurt and disappointed at their lack of interest in her AND her wedding. Since the bridesmaids both agreed to put things behind him AND agreed to help & take part in things, it IS pretty crappy that they're not stepping up as they represented they would. It's also perhaps setting yourself up for disappointment but NOT unreasonable to expect your friends to be as good to you as you are to them. You'd like to think your friends aren't just leeches. And I seriously don't know if it's an area of the country thing or what, but where I come from it's assumed that bridesmaids will pay for/host/throw the shower & bachelorette party. There's just never been a question, not with my wedding, and not with any wedding in which I've been a bridesmaid. Around here, we expect: dress shoes shower bachelorette party And (as an aside) I always got both a shower & wedding gift for the couple too. I don't, however, fault any of the WP who didn't get us one or the other gifts because the shelled out so much to be in the wedding.

banana468 · August 2009

Larissa, I generally buy those things as well.My concern for the OP is that there may be underlying resentment that has gone unresolved. I think it's pretty ugly to show up late and not apologize but I thinkt he bigger issue is that the OP needs to attempt to work things out with her friends.If they say, "Everything is fine," and yet they don't feel bad about arriving late to the shower and leaving early, I'd say, "I just want to let you know that it meant a lot that you were at my shower but it did hurt my feelings when you left before I had a chance to say goodbye." I'd give them the benefit of the doubt before talking to them though.

LarissaAnn · August 2009

Well, yeah, that's the thing. There are obviously still issues. Unfortunately, it seems these bridesmaids are "being girls" and not being upfront about it. That's common, but it'll just make mending impossible, even if OP wants to. I've had friends like that. I have a very good friend, my oldest friend since we were 2 years old, in fact, who is REALLY passive-aggressive. Before I got married, he and I were roommates, and he'd drive me CRAZY moping around the house or being moody... I'd ask what was wrong and get "Nothin'," in response. REPEATEDLY. As someone who "thinks like a guy" and is blunt & up front, this was hugely frustrating for me. So I know from whence OP comes. If you have chicks telling you it's all cool, you'd like to be able to take it at face value. If they're full of it, though, and are really still harboring bad feelings... Well, I'd suggest talking to them again, and think OP should do that... but she can only do so much. I'm just saying I don't think she's an evil wench and I don't think she did all that much wrong here. I also think she's got a pretty good reason to be hurt.

TheFutureMrsM-LoungingBeachside · August 2009

These are supposed to be your bridesmaids in your upcoming wedding. You were their bridesmaids and you devoted 90% of your free time leading up to thier weddings, to them. for whatever they needed you to do. Yet within the months leading up to your wedding, they've barely even asked you how your doing, yet alone anything wedding related.This was your choice though. Just because you chose to spend your free time in such a way doesn't mean everyone else needs to do the same- some people are far more hands off when it comes to being part of the wedding party. And honestly, your mom/family/etc should never have shared that your bridesmaids weren't involved in the planning- you should never have that knowledge. I understand that it might have been a mutual decision to demote your original MOH, but no matter what thats a bitter pill, especially since you then replaced her.

stina93446 · August 2009

You shouldn't have promoted someone else. That was immature and no wonder they don't want to help or have anything to do with you. How would you feel?

stina93446 · August 2009

I might add that I don't have any sympathy for you because you brought this on yourself. No one is going to be as excited about your day/ shower/b party as you are. Sorry if you don't like it, but it's true. I have read over your post 3 times and no where do I see biitchiness in your bms' actions. yes, you had a falling out, but that is no reason demote her/them. Like pp said, 2 wrongs don't make a right. If I were you, I'd work on the friendships if you care about them. Leave the wedding out of it. Take them out for coffee or a jamba juice or something and try to connect. yes, you want THEM to initiate this, but they're probably still upset. If you initiate it, you'll not only look like a good friend, but attempting to be the better person and potentially save your floundering friendships.

KappaK · August 2009

I agree with Stina on taking them to Jamba Juice. If I was having issues with someone and they took me to Jamba Juice AND bought me a peanut butter moo'd, all would be forgiven. I love those things!BTW, I am not trying to be snarky or sarcastic, I really love that place, I am there at least once a week!

JuliaGoolia719 · August 2009

OP, I understand that its hard to mend the fence w good friends after a big fight. My 2 bffs (literally since we were 5) and I had a HUGE fight. We all did some stupid things, feelings were hurt and it was awful. That was 2 years ago. We all went months without speaking really, finally our husbands/boyfriends were telling us to either write the others off or get over it (they were tired of hearing about it), we all finally realized that our friendships meant a lot to us and we'd be very sad to lose each other.2 yrs later and things are still not the same, they never will be. We are all very close friends again, but we will never be the same friends as we were before. I had to get over wanting things to go back to "the way they were" becuase you cant go back in time. I guess I'm just trying to say that you may need to get to the brink of losing the friendship for good before you/your friends realize that they want to try to save it. It was actually the thought that those girls wouldnt be standing up w me when I got married that sparked us to all try to mend the fences, I honestly couldnt picture my wedding day wout them no matter what had happened.

jenni2349 · August 2009

I'm in the minority here, but yes, if they told you everything was going to be fine with the friendship/wedding and now it obviously isn't...I would be hurt too. But, I believe it was said before, you can control you and you can not control them. You seem to have other WP members who are there for you. Focus on them. Don't do anything rash like kick them out. Their behavior wasn't adult in respect to the shower, but it's over now. Dwelling on it will do nothing for you. You have a big day coming up, and it sounds like there are enough others in your life that will ensure it's a happy one for you. GL.

cbkeni · August 2009

I understand that a lot of you think she's overreacting (I personally don't) but no matter what you don't know her, you shouldn't be judging her and making her feel like a spoiled rotten brat because her friends are showing no interest in one of the biggest events in her life. If she hadn't asked them if they still wanted to be in the wedding then that would be one thing, but she gave them the option of saying "You know what, I just don't think I could be there for you the way a good friend would be".Being a bridesmaid doesn't have any "requirements" but if they were being fair they would understand that this means a lot to her. I can see how that could hurt.If the girl wants to vent just let her vent.

jeannigirl · August 2009

I also agree there is nothing wrong with venting. If you are just venting then getting all bent because you may get results that your not liking is totally ridiclous. I do understand that people(friends) can act inmaturatly and hold things against you. That is not within our control, the only thing that we have control over is how we respond if we do not enagage ourselves in fighting and arguing then the problem doesn't lie with us. I can understand the hurt if someone is trying to do their best to heal the rift. Sometimes that takes a while. Sometimes its worse if there is a falling out, may take longer for that healing and trust to come back. The majority of the time it is not the same.I think the best thing is to let this go and move on. Stop dwelling on it and absorbing your time with this.

Sheri Ruth · August 2009

Relationships don't always die with a bang. Sometimes it is a slow, painful death, not unlike a romantic relationship, where you have been together for so very long it is hard to imagine life without that person. But things start to sour, people change, fights happen, things are said and done that cause irreparable harm. You want to work on it because that person has meant a lot; you've loved them and them you. But after the fallout, you find your heart isn't in it anymore. Particularly with friendships, I find adults seem to just let them fade away rather than have an official "break up" moment. And usually that means someone is left without closure. It sounds to me a lot like this is what is happening with your friendships. Impending friend divorce, so to speak.I am sorry for your hurt. I encourage you to focus your attention on those who are celebrating with you, focus on the joy of your occasion and then resolve the friendships after the wedding is over. As a side note, being a martyr is never a pretty or flattering thing. Saying that you spent 90% of your free time on their weddings, so what thanks do you get is unfair. Not everyone has the same priorities. If I spent 90% of my free time on ANYTHING I would lose my blessed mind. It wouldn't be personal. It would be the difference between sanity and insanity. Not everyone wants to spend their free time on a friend's wedding, even if that person did that for them. I don't mean that to be harsh; it is just reality. That is an unrealistic expectation. 50% would be unrealistic. 10% would be unrealistic. All they are obligated to do is show up sober, sane and appropriately dressed. Making someone a member of a wedding party is much more about you honoring them than them you. I don't know you, so I don't know if that is "normal" for you, to go above and beyond for people and then be consistently let down that they don't do the same for you. If it is, definitely examine that about yourself. Its hard on a marriage. Big hug. You will be a beautiful bride and it will be a wonderful day, regardless. Life has a funny way of going on.

bitchy bridesmaids! ugh

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