Gifting Etiquette

misschristinec · August 2009

I'm a BM is a good friend's wedding. She is having her wedding at an extremely expensive place, about $250 pp.Her fiance's parents are paying for the wedding. I typically try to cover our plates and add some extra $. But I think it's ridiculous to give some over $500 for a wedding gift when I'm already speading a fortune for her wedding... I may be more so inclined to give such a big gift if they were paying for the wedding out of their pocket..I'm not super strapped for cash.. but I just think it's a crazy about to give a friend that much, when you are in their wedding and already chipped in for the shower/throwing the bachelorette party.. Plus I have my own wedding to save for.I need some opinions here. Thanks!

mwhitson14 · August 2009

Holy fuuck $250 a plate! What the eff are they feeding you guys? Filet mignon covered in caviar and gold??

tidetravel · August 2009

I agree with you. A gift is a gift - it shouldn't be a tit-for-tat accounting of what they spend vs. what you spend. Give her something that you want to give her, at a price that you can afford to spend.

janedoe1113a · August 2009

What the f is on a plate for $250?!?And I don't think you need to cover the price of your dinner. Buy her something you want to get her and that you can afford.

ootmother2 · August 2009

New Jersey is the only place that I have ever heard of "covering your plate"Buy them a nice gift or give them cash if you think they would perfer that and forget this idea.

jajph1974 · August 2009

lol .... for $250 a plate dinner better come with a happy ending

C W · August 2009

I really don't think you need to worry about 'covering your plate' at all. Just give a gift that you think is appropriate given your relationship and what you can afford.

pmarckx · August 2009

That's crazy! Just get them something that makes you feel comfortable with the gift. You did already contribute alot if you did the bach & shower. I doubt she's expecting gifts that big.

redheadfsu · August 2009

you don't cover your plate. (or I never have- as I never knew what the plate price was) I give depending on how close I am with the couple 100- 150 for close friends/family (but i'm kinda poor)

C W · August 2009

lol @ "happy ending"!

ootmother2 · August 2009

Where is the wedding, The Ryland Inn?

salt78 · August 2009

Prostitution would be the obvious answer.

mrsLesGrossman · August 2009

That is pretty common PP in North Jersey, prices like NY. I know it is how people gift in NJ per plate but that is harsh. You should give her a momento type gift for the wedding instead of money since you are throwing her b party and helping the shower.

C W · August 2009

Just curious, oot and E, how do people in NJ and NY know how much the $/pp is? Is it pretty standard or do people actually look up the venue to see how much the plates cost?

sucrets4 · August 2009

I'm from LI and always try to cover my plate...which really just means that you give around $100 pp and you're good.I think that $250 is ridiculous and you should give what you're comfortable with. I also would never expect BP members to give me anything because I know how much time and $ they spent to be there. However, I was a bm in a friends wedding and forgot to bring her card to the wedding, and she called me a few days later wondering where her $ was. She also rattled off to me exactly how much people gave her...why she remembers this 5 years later is beyond me, but whatev.

ootmother2 · August 2009

lol, I just knew the Ryland Inn because my niece got married there, I don't live in JerseyIn NYC, I can probably guess withing $25 p/p what the venue costs. I don't actually do that but I do know the venues.

sarah0725 · August 2009

Hell, I'm from NJ and I'm not too concerned about covering plates or anything like that. I will vouch for the fact that weddings are more expensive around these parts (mine is $95 per plate and that's about as cheap as they come) but even I haven't come across anything like $250.

mrsLesGrossman · August 2009

It depends on the crowd for my circle. My family and friends do around $250 pp. It is because our tradition is to start the bride and groom with savings so they can build together. We went to a wedding for a Catholic couple and my friend said we gave more than she is used to. Also, the NJ weddings we went to did the cover the plate thing so you go with a blank check until you know how much.

C W · August 2009

"I was a bm in a friends wedding and forgot to bring her card to the wedding, and she called me a few days later wondering where her $ was. She also rattled off to me exactly how much people gave her" (sorry, I can't do italics!?) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! That would be near friendship-ending for me. That's just not cool.

Brie2010 · August 2009

New Jersey is the only place that I have ever heard of "covering your plate"My mom in Chicago does this. She actually doesn't write the check until she's scoped out the reception. (hangs head in shame)

sucrets4 · August 2009

CM - in my area you have a general knowledge of what places are more expensive. Anything directly on the water is usually a bit more expensive, as are nicely kept older mansions.

C W · August 2009

"you go with a blank check until you know how much" But how do you find out? Do people ask? I'm confused and maybe missing something..

shellydiane820 · August 2009

Good grief, I think the most expensive meal on the menu at my venue is like $85.

misschristinec · August 2009

Haha.. thanks for all of the responses.. I think most people go on here to find out how much per plate. There are 3-4 places in NJ that will go over $200 pp (in season). This place is Park Savoy in Florham Park, NJI was looking at a place called Pleasantdale Chateau (also in NJ.. sensing a trend here?) and they quotes for a Jan 15 2011 wedding they will start at $239 pp.. I almost died..one more thing: there will not be a gift table at this friend's wedding..

sucrets4 · August 2009

E - I haven't heard of the blank check thing. Interesting!CM - yeah, she's...well, she's pretty open about stuff and says what's on her mind. We were also going through a rocky time in our friendship then. I think she wanted me to constantly ask about wedding planning every time we talked...which I knew nothing about back then, and I didn't care to know anything. I'd let her chat about stuff, and would ask in general how things were going, but other than that I had no idea.

Brie2010 · August 2009

CM, my mom basically scopes it out to see how the food is, whether it's an open bar or cash bar, how formal the venue is, and then guesses.She is also excited about our wedding so we can make her a list of what everyone gave us...so she can give the same amount back to them or their kids when they get married. Um, no. She is also concerned because FI's family gives boxed gifts at weddings, and "they DEFINITELY get off easy that way." Facepalm.

megk8oz · August 2009

I'm from the NJ shore and I was raised on the belief that you "always cover your plate".But I think this is an extraordinary set of circumstances. I mean, $500 AFTER paying to be IN the wedding is just excessive.I still think you should give SOMETHING (obviously), but not nearly that much. I really can't imagine that anybody would think you were rude for giving less.

jajph1974 · August 2009

Hey now! I live in New Jersey. Maybe I should spread the word that the venue charges $100 per plate. Make a little cash on the side.I hope you all realize I'm joking.Or am I

C W · August 2009

Brie, that's hilarious! MIL realllly wanted us to do a gift opening and I KNOW it's because she wanted to be nosy about what other people got us. So she can judge. I think it's so funny. The next time I saw her she grilled us about what gifts we got. I said, "we got mostly cash" and I could literally see her frustration at not being able to ask us how much everyone gave us.

mwhitson14 · August 2009

CM , why can't you do italics? Because I have two options you can try.On IE? They have recently updated and to fix that you should see a little icon next to where you type in the URL that looks like a broken sheet of paper, if you hover over it it says compatibility view. Click that.On Safari? Type in [i*] Text [/i*] without the starts.Hope I don't come off snarky, just trying to be helpful

mrsLesGrossman · August 2009

There doesn't have to be a gift table, you hand it to them. The word gets around and I would hide in the bathroom to write a check. Some people write it at the table.

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