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cheap bridesmaid
So my bridesmaids bought their own dresses for $115 which isnt too expensive and I have yet to decide on their shoes (I may just let them choose their own). I am also asking them to pay for their own hair and makeup (which isn't totally absurd, and I'm 19 and on a budget) which will be $120. My wedding is in June and I told my bridesmaids about the expenses in January to give them plenty of time to save. I also told them if they had any issues to talk to me but I figured it wouldn't really be a problem since most of them still love at home and all of them have jobs (they are all 17-20).
Anyways, all my girls have been totally fine with the costs but just the other day one of them texted me saying I should have this other girl do the bridesmaids' hair and makeup because it will only cost $50. I did not have a problem with her suggesting things at all and I thanked her for the recommendation and told her I would think about it (even though I knew I wasn't going to change my mind because I do not like the makeup the suggested lady does). However, she continued and continued to pressure me and tried to guilt me telling me she did not have the extra money to pay the $120 and was just being completely rude about it. She even told me she didn't like the girl I hired to do the bridesmaids' hair and makeup. Long story short, I told her (in the nicest way possible) I wasn't going to change the hair and makeup.
Coming from any other girl I would have been completely understanding and worked with her; however, this girl is constantly going out to fancy restaurants, buying new clothes, has an iphone, and just flew across the country for vacation. And the other thing is I WAS IN HER WEDDING LAST YEAR AND BOUGHT MY DRESS WHICH WAS $220 AND PAID FOR MY OWN HAIR AND MAKEUP WHICH WAS DONE BY THE SAME PEOPLE DOING MY BRIDESMAIDS FOR THE SAME PRICE!
I absolutely love this girl and she has been one of my best friends since jr.high but she can sometimes be selfish. Usually I just accept thats the way she is and move on. This is my wedding and I feel like I should have the final say but I don't want to cause any drama. How should I handle this? Am I being totally ridiculous?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: cheap bridesmaid
Also, weddings aren't tit for tat. It's great that you spent a bunch on her wedding but that doesn't mean she "owes" you the same.
[QUOTE]So my bridesmaids bought their own dresses for $115 which isnt too expensive and I have yet to decide on their shoes (I may just let them choose their own). I<strong> am also asking them to pay for their own hair and makeup (which isn't totally absurd, and I'm 19 and on a budget) which will be $120</strong>. My wedding is in June and I told my bridesmaids about the expenses in January to give them plenty of time to save.<strong> I also told them if they had any issues to talk to me but I figured it wouldn't really be a problem since most of them still love at home and all of them have jobs (they are all 17-20).</strong> Anyways, all my girls have been totally fine with the costs but just the other day one of them texted me saying I should have this other girl do the bridesmaids' hair and makeup because it will only cost $50. I did not have a problem with her suggesting things at all and I thanked her for the recommendation and told her I would think about it (even though I knew I wasn't going to change my mind because I do not like the makeup the suggested lady does). However, she continued and continued to pressure me and tried to guilt me telling me she did not have the extra money to pay the $120 and was just being completely rude about it. She even told me she didn't like the girl I hired to do the bridesmaids' hair and makeup. Long story short, I told her (in the nicest way possible) I wasn't going to change the hair and makeup. Coming from any other girl I would have been completely understanding and worked with her; however, <strong>this girl is constantly going out to fancy restaurants, buying new clothes, has an iphone, and just flew across the country for vacation</strong>. And the other thing is I WAS IN HER WEDDING LAST YEAR AND BOUGHT MY DRESS WHICH WAS $220 AND PAID FOR MY OWN HAIR AND MAKEUP WHICH WAS DONE BY THE SAME PEOPLE DOING MY BRIDESMAIDS FOR THE SAME PRICE! I absolutely love this girl and she has been one of my best friends since jr.high but she can sometimes be selfish. Usually I just accept thats the way she is and move on. This is my wedding and I feel like I should have the final say but I don't want to cause any drama. How should I handle this? Am I being totally ridiculous?
Posted by almostfernow[/QUOTE]
1) It does not surprise me that you are 19 years old. You sound ridiculous, immature and unappreciative right now.
2) When I lived at home during those ages I barely had enough money for gas, insurance and my cell phone let alone $120 for hair and makeup for someone's wedding.
3) How someone spends their money is NONE of your business. If she cannot afford this and wants to have someone else do her hair and makeup then she is allowed to. Unless you are paying for your bridesmaids hair and makeup then you need to let them do it however they want.
[QUOTE]So my bridesmaids bought their own dresses for $115 which isnt too expensive and I have yet to decide on their shoes (I may just let them choose their own). I am also asking them to pay for their own hair and makeup (which isn't totally absurd, and I'm 19 and on a budget) which will be $120. My wedding is in June and I told my bridesmaids about the expenses in January to give them plenty of time to save. I also told them if they had any issues to talk to me but I figured it wouldn't really be a problem since most of them still love at home and all of them have jobs (they are all 17-20). Anyways, all my girls have been totally fine with the costs but just the other day one of them texted me saying I should have this other girl do the bridesmaids' hair and makeup because it will only cost $50. I did not have a problem with her suggesting things at all and I thanked her for the recommendation and told her I would think about it (even though I knew I wasn't going to change my mind because I do not like the makeup the suggested lady does). However, she continued and continued to pressure me and tried to guilt me telling me she did not have the extra money to pay the $120 and was just being completely rude about it. She even told me she didn't like the girl I hired to do the bridesmaids' hair and makeup. Long story short, I told her (in the nicest way possible) I wasn't going to change the hair and makeup. Coming from any other girl I would have been completely understanding and worked with her; however, this girl is constantly going out to fancy restaurants, buying new clothes, has an iphone, and just flew across the country for vacation. And the other thing is I WAS IN HER WEDDING LAST YEAR AND BOUGHT MY DRESS WHICH WAS $220 AND PAID FOR MY OWN HAIR AND MAKEUP WHICH WAS DONE BY THE SAME PEOPLE DOING MY BRIDESMAIDS FOR THE SAME PRICE! I absolutely love this girl and she has been one of my best friends since jr.high but she can sometimes be selfish. Usually I just accept thats the way she is and move on. This is my wedding and I feel like I should have the final say but I don't want to cause any drama. How should I handle this? Am I being totally ridiculous?
Posted by almostfernow[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I agree with vonclancy.
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[QUOTE]Ditto everyone above. And this, which I stole from Maggie in another thread:
Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]
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</div><div>LOL!! And yes, ditto PPs. How others spend their money is none of your business. I'd rather go on vacation than get my hair did for someone else's wedding too. Like PPs said, the only thing a bridesmaid should buy is the dress. If you want her to get her hair and makeup done, you need to pay for it. </div><div>
</div><div>And can I just add how backwards your thinking is? "I'm 19 so I can't afford to pay for their hair and makeup" and then "They're all 17-20 so they should be able to afford it." Makes NO sense.</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: cheap bridesmaid : LOL!! And yes, ditto PPs. How others spend their money is none of your business. I'd rather go on vacation than get my hair did for someone else's wedding too. Like PPs said, the only thing a bridesmaid should buy is the dress. If you want her to get her hair and makeup done, you need to pay for it. <strong>And can I just add how backwards your thinking is? "I'm 19 so I can't afford to pay for their hair and makeup" and then "They're all 17-20 so they should be able to afford it." Makes NO sense.</strong>
Posted by beardownbchs[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I was thinking this exact same thing. </div><div>
</div><div>ETA: beardown your dog is SO adorable...what a fantastic pic!
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[QUOTE]Sorry to say, but, yes, you are the one being ridiculous. First off, you should have asked your girls their budgets before booking anything. They tell YOU what they are comfortable spending - you don't get to decide what you think they should spend. Second, all they are obligated to buy is the dress. Anything else that is required (including specific shoes, specific hair and makeup, etc) is on you to buy. If you are making them get hair and make up done by these people, you should be paying. So, either allow your girls to do their own hair and make up or go to to whoever they choose, or pay for it. Also, weddings aren't tit for tat. It's great that you spent a bunch on her wedding but that doesn't mean she "owes" you the same.
Posted by vonclancy[/QUOTE]
<div>That was helpful thanks! its always good to see the situation through another set of eyes. Also, thank you for the respectful and nice response unlike others' replies<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" /></div>
Not only that, but you aren't going to hang pictures of her on your walls at home, don't sweat it, it's small stuff.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: cheap bridesmaid : LOL!! And yes, ditto PPs. How others spend their money is none of your business. I'd rather go on vacation than get my hair did for someone else's wedding too. Like PPs said, the only thing a bridesmaid should buy is the dress. If you want her to get her hair and makeup done, you need to pay for it. And can I just add how backwards your thinking is? "I'm 19 so I can't afford to pay for their hair and makeup" and then "They're all 17-20 so they should be able to afford it." Makes NO sense.
Posted by beardownbchs[/QUOTE]
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</div><div> "beardownbchs": paying $720 for 6 girls on top of a whole wedding is waaaayyy more expensive than having to pay just for a dress and makeup. just some simple addition! LOL<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-surprised.gif" border="0" alt="Surprised" title="Surprised" /></div>
[QUOTE]Don't take the honor out of being asked to be your bridesmaid and turn it into a burden. Clone BMs look weird, and your BM has every right to go with a cheaper stylist. In fact, she'd be well within her rights to just do her own hair too. Not only that, but you aren't going to hang pictures of her on your walls at home, don't sweat it, it's small stuff.
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]
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</div><div>GREAT perspective. thanks!</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: cheap bridesmaid : "beardownchs": paying $720 for 6 girls on top of a whole wedding is waaaayyy more expensive than having to pay just for a dress and makeup. just some simple addition! LOL
Posted by almostfernow[/QUOTE]
<div>My point is that you shouldn't expect them to pay for something for YOUR wedding that you're not willing to pay for. </div><div>
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</div><div>And thanks Salsera!! That's my piggly wiggly! :)</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to cheap bridesmaid : 1) It does not surprise me that you are 19 years old. You sound ridiculous, immature and unappreciative right now. 2) When I lived at home during those ages I barely had enough money for gas, insurance and my cell phone let alone $120 for hair and makeup for someone's wedding. 3) How someone spends their money is NONE of your business. If she cannot afford this and wants to have someone else do her hair and makeup then she is allowed to. Unless you are paying for your bridesmaids hair and makeup then you need to let them do it however they want.
Posted by steign[/QUOTE]
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</div><div>I appreciate your response but next time try being a little nicer? I've never planned a wedding before so I don't know all the rules/traditions. And I'm confused by "It does not surprise me that you are 19 years old." Sorry but I don't like when people judge me based on my age. And the whole point of listing her expenses was to show she CAN afford it. Just thought I should clarify!</div>
[QUOTE]You are being a little ridiculous. As PP's have said, you should not be requiring your BM's pay to get their hair and makeup done. You should take a step back from the IT'S MY DAY mentality and think about the confort of your friends. Please spend some time lurking on these boards, the advice you will read is extremely helpful.
Posted by Salsera29[/QUOTE]
<div>Thanks! I've never planned a wedding so advice is really helpful<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" /></div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: cheap bridesmaid : The point is that It doesn't matter whether she can afford it or not. You don't have the right to tell someone how they can spend their hard earned money. Personally I wouldn't be happy if someone told me I had to pay $120 for hair and makeup when I know I can get it done just as well for $50.
Posted by missax[/QUOTE]
<div>I wasn't saying I had the right in the first place, just asking for other's advice. And the people I hired are hairdressers and makeup artists that do it for a living; whereas the $50 girl is just one of her friends that is barely experienced and I do not like her work at all.</div>
Needless to say, that sentiment went over like a lead balloon and we stopped being unpaid caterers and people who said, "How high?" when she told us to jump.
My point: You're coming off as someone with an entitlement complex and you really can't do this.
Take a look at the FAQ at the top of this page. That should tell you now about what you can't ask of your BMs. If you want them to buy something on top of their dress (shoes, hair, makeup or accessories) then those need to come out of your pocket.
If you can't afford to pay for the hair and makeup for all your BMs then you need to make it optional.
You also need to stop thinking that just because someone has an Iphone or takes a vacation that you get to make a decision on her financial state. I can tell you now that DH and I are going to put the two of us first over the wedding of a friend. That means that we're going to put our vacation or my daily attire over something I'm going to wear or do one time.
You have to understand that your wedding is not going to be the financial priority to your friends that it is to you. Once you do, make sure you let them know that all those other things you wanted are TOTALLY optional.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: cheap bridesmaid : I wasn't saying I had the right in the first place, just asking for other's advice. And the people I hired are hairdressers and makeup artists that do it for a living;<strong> whereas the $50 girl is just one of her friends that is barely experienced and I do not like her work at all.</strong>
Posted by almostfernow[/QUOTE]
But if doesn't matter if you like her work or not. It is not your hair or your face. It is also not your money. All of this means it is not your place to say she can't use the $50 girl OR even do it herself for free if she so chooses. If you are set on a certain make-up artist and hairdresser, the bill comes out of your pocket then.
You'll probably save yourself a headache if you let the girls pick out their own shoes. Maybe suggest they wear the same color, though? If you pick a common color, like black, that would be a great compromise. This way you get a say in the shoe and they can wear something you know they liked because they picked out.
Don't worry about how much you spent wedding. She's probably smacking herself for having asked you to pay for all those things because she's just realizing what it must have felt like for you.
[QUOTE]I, too, am 19. But I fail to see the argument of "I'm 19 and I can afford it, and they're 17-20, so they should be able to afford it, too." 17-20 is a really young age bracket! I'm guessing some (maybe all?) are still in school, and even if they have jobs, I'm guessing few are making more than minimum wage. They probably need help from their parents. If they aren't fortunate enough to have that, they're probably pinching pennies to pay for things like insurance, phones, gas, housing, etc. You say that the one who wants the $50 makeup/hair spends money on things like nice dinners and cross-country vacations, but a) you really shouldn't judge someone else's spending habits and b) you don't know that she's the one paying for those things. Nor do you necessarily know the full circumstances. And, again, it's not really your business what she does with HER money. The makeup may not be what you want for you, but why must she conform to what you want for yourself? Undoubtedly, you and she are not identical twins, and you have unique personalities, skin colors, eye and hair colors, etc. Makeup reflects all of that. And hair? How much can you dislike the way she does hair? She's not cutting or dyeing it or anything. My advice, from one 19-year-old bridesmaid to a 19-year-old bride? Please, please, let them pick their own shoes and hair/makeup. Some of them will probably be perfectly happy doing their own. Some probably already own shoes they can wear to the wedding. Some may be in the situation I am--I can only wear certain kinds of shoes due to a dance injury, and I had to find shoes that were stylish and acceptable for my feet. These are your nearest and dearest friends. You've seen them get ready to go out before. As long as you remind them that your wedding is not a frat party (lol, the college girl in me constantly reminds people of that when they ask about the level of formality of non-college events), you really should just be able to trust them. And I definitely understand your conundrum with not knowing how to plan a wedding. Want a secret? If there's one thing I've learned by being one of several planners behind my cousin's wedding, it's that no one is born knowing how to plan a wedding. It's something women and men learn from others. I'm the oldest, so I get how much it sucks to be a guinea pig. Just remember that, someday, someone will benefit from all your learning!
Posted by fionahalliwell[/QUOTE]
<div>I tooootally understand I have no right to tell someone how to spend their money but it was just really rude how she handled it. And she is giving me this whole sob story about how she can't afford anything but I see her with all these extra things. Its not that I am judging her, she has 100% freedom to do whatever she wants with her money, its just hard to believe her reasons when I see her with all these expensive things. And I think I am just gonna let them get their own shoes so I don't have to deal with the hassle/drama. </div><div>
</div><div>Thanks for the part that we are supposed to learn from each other about weddings. Thats why I posted on here in the first place, not for people to bash me! lol . Maybe I didn't explain myself in my post enough but I'm really not this selfish and immature person some of these people think I am.</div><div>Anyways, thanks for the advice<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" /></div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: cheap bridesmaid : I tooootally understand I have no right to tell someone how to spend their money but it was just really rude how she handled it. And she is giving me this whole sob story about how she can't afford anything but I see her with all these extra things. Its not that I am judging her, she has 100% freedom to do whatever she wants with her money, its just hard to believe her reasons when I see her with all these expensive things. And I think I am just gonna let them get their own shoes so I don't have to deal with the hassle/drama. Thanks for the part that we are supposed to learn from each other about weddings. Thats why I posted on here in the first place, not for people to bash me! lol . Maybe I didn't explain myself in my post enough but I'm really not this selfish and immature person some of these people think I am. Anyways, thanks for the advice
Posted by almostfernow[/QUOTE]
There is nothing rude about what she told you. She is right, you are wrong.
1. The financial situation of anyone except you and your FI is absolutely none of your business.
2. Unless you are their CPA, you have not clue what other people's financial situations are
3. What people spend their money on is none of your business
4. The bridal industry has no purpose other than to separate people from as much of their money as possible.
5. You wedding party is there to stand up for you in a place of honor, not to make your wedding photos look like a model shoot.
Here's a story from another old married hag:
I went to law school after a short stint in journalism. I lived in section 8 housing until my third year of practice. I got my hair done at an Aveda school. I shopped at Goodwill and thrift stores and consignment shops in or very close to wealthy areas (it's amazing what you can find at all three). I drove my Ford escort until my mechanic could only get it running long enough to get me to the nearest dealership. I bought a demo car (500 miles on it because GM execs get to try out a new car every few months to test them) which is essentially a new car that has to be sold and priced as used. The dealership had a $3000 minimum for your trade in going on so my Escort that had a generous blue book value of $197 got me $3000 towards the new Malibu. I'd nurse a drink all night and order an appetizer if I met people for dinner (claiming not to be hungry or that I ate a big lunch)
What the world saw (since nobody came to my place until I could afford to move into a historic Victorian apartment building): an incredibly well dressed attorney driving around a nice car meeting friends out for drinks and dinner at nice places.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: cheap bridesmaid : There is nothing rude about what she told you. She is right, you are wrong.
Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I never went into detail about the exact things she said because I did not feel like typing out all her texts. It would have taken a looong time. LIKE I SAID the point of talking to me WAS NOT RUDE beacuse I told them to come tell me if theres and issue, but the texts she sent me were very rude. Thats the bottom line, it is not my responsibilty to prove it to you. Im not gonna sit on here for an hour typing out the exact things she told me lol
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[QUOTE]I think what gets under my skin most about your post is that you said "if they have any problems they can talk to me"...she DID talk to you and you're complaining about it! Is that what a good friend does? Also, based upon your wording, it doesn't sound like you handled bridesmaid dress shopping appropriately. Did you ask them all privately what their budgets were and buy a dress UNDER the lowest budget? It doesn't sound like you took any budgets into account. As retread said...she can't afford it now and I'd have to agree with her. My bff's friend is doing the makeup for all five of us for $100 total and someone is doing our hair for $40 for me and $30 for them... You clearly need to shop around and not demand the whole "in salon" experience. I'd rather be comfortable at my hotel.
Posted by mlg78[/QUOTE<div>
</div><div>Also like I have said, I wanted the girls to come talk to me but they all said it was fine including this girl so I kept the appt I made 2 months ago but now she is being rude about it for some reason. IF SHE WAS NICE I WOULD HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM HELPING MY FRIEND OUT but she was not and I don't have time to go into exactly what she said but it wasn't very nice. </div><div>
</div><div> Also, If you want me to go into detail about the dresses, the bridesmaids and I made a group board on pinterest. Everyone would post shoes and dresses they liked. My sister and I found a cute dress so we showed the girls and asked their thoughts. They all loved it and knew the price as well. The dress was beginning to go out of stock so I had to call around several stores around the country tracking them down. When I found one I had to order it right away. I finally found all of them and had them pay me when I gave them their dress. They all knew what was going on the whole time and the price. Some were even calling around the stores as well to help me (including the one now complaining about hair and makeup costs). So yes, I believe I handled it appropriately. Thanks.
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