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African American Weddings

Really, MOM??

I'm not here to rant but this morning something really irritated me to the point that I'm on the verge of just ending a lot of conversations with my mom.
She called me early this morning and started to go in on me about my engagment, my fiance, and car situation and even my weight!
I feel so ready to just say forget everything but in my heart I can't because that's moms!! But my real issue is that she is making up things to hold on to to be angry with my fiance! It's been three years y'all and we all know that if mommy doesn't approve it ain't happening!! He even asked my step-dad for his permission to marry me! Like I truly am llost can one of you ladies help me to understand why she decided to rant and rave @ 8 in the morning about something so distant (because I don't want to say irrelevant)???!
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Re: Really, MOM??

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_really-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:1154a97e-59e1-4818-9295-d8056e9a418dPost:9f916d22-52d1-4ed0-a671-185a162a9cb3">Really, MOM??</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm not here to rant but this morning something really irritated me to the point that I'm on the verge of just ending a lot of conversations with my mom. She called me early this morning and started to go in on me about my engagment, my fiance, and car situation and even my weight! I feel so ready to just say forget everything but in my heart I can't because that's moms!! But my real issue is that she is making up things to hold on to to be angry with my fiance! It's been three years y'all and we all know that if mommy doesn't approve it ain't happening!! He even asked my step-dad for his permission to marry me! Like I truly am llost can one of you ladies help me to understand why she decided to rant and rave @ 8 in the morning about something so distant (because I don't want to say irrelevant)???!
    Posted by KBritton62313[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>Moms...gotta love 'em! Through out my planning process, my mom said and did some things that were unreal. She is a firecracker on the every day basis but during the wedding I saw all kinds of new sides to her. My advice is if she says something that bothers you, address it. I understand that you don't want to argue cause I know that's exactly what it will turn into if you say anything...an argument. So say your piece, let her yell and then just say, mom I already told you I feel about that, so if there isn't anything else I will call you later. It's tough when all of sudden you are being the adult in the mother/daughter relationship but it turns out doing things like that, help them acknowledge that you aren't a little kid any more. More importantly, you have to let things go and not stress about it cause it will take away your job! (hugs)</div>
    Anniversary
  • Well I will say that if a guy ever did anything that put a sour taste in my mom's mouth to me or my sister it was pretty much a wrap for them no matter how nice they are going forward. Impressions, especially 1st impressions are very long lasting & are everything. My mom is really a one shot type person. Once you show her who you are, thats it and I think that's the way most parents are. They want what's best for their child, especially their daughter. I rambled a lot to say that just b/c you forgive your FI for something doesn't mean your mom will. She's probably never going to get over whatever it was & he will probably feel uncomfortable forever around her unfortunately. If she does decide to get over it it will have to be on her time. You can't force her to forgive him or give her a timeline & I don't think you should end your relationship w/ your mom over it imo although trust me, I know how irritating it may be. Maybe you could talk to her about the issue though, about everything. Let her know that it hurts for her to come at you about those issues. Hopefully you guys can come to a resolution after laying everything on the table :)

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  • (HUGS!). Does mom always act like this? I was watching some show (maybe monster-in-law) and the girl mom would just come over and raise hell. Well at the end basically mom was scared - and didn't want to admit it or face her fear- that once her daughter got married, the daughter would forget all about mom.
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  • my mom never has anything good to say about anything unless she is benefitting. i just started to ignore her. Sometimes you just gotta take people for how they are and not pay them any attention. my mom told me every single dress i tried on was ugly, so i stopped dealin with her. its hard when u wanna have a certain kinda relationship with your mom but they always gotta mess it up and say something out of line. i just wouldnt pay her to much attention and brush it off. you are getting married and theres nothing she can do about it, so if she doesn tlike it....too bad. its your problem, not hers
  • It must be a full moon because my mom acted a fool with me on the phone last night. Im sorry your mom is not being postive and supportive. Why is she being this way ? What issues does she have with FI ? I hope things get between you 2. It will be ok.
  • Thanks ladies. It really started from an accident that I saw on election night and I stopped to help the guy because his car was totalled on the highway and nobody stopprd to help but myself and two other cars! I called my FI hysterical because I was extremely nervous and of course never witnessed anything so horrific! We got into an argument which was a really great way to get me to calm down and divert my attention away from what I had just witnessed! At the time, I had just got to my parents apartment and I just needed to calm down and that agrument was what calmed me down (oddly!!). So the next morning she calls me at 8 in the morning and tells me about how she did not like that he started an agrument with me about helping a stranger in an accident. I told her that it's not about the random guy or even the accident, my FI was worried about my safety and I can completely understand because I ws on the highway! But instead of seeing that argument as a strategy to get my mind off the situation like he did(because talking rationally was long gone, he tried that too before igning the argument) she goes off and says that it was stupid and pointless to argue about that and that I was trying to pacify what he did. I let it go.
    This morning, she basically was sayying that when he came over Sunday night that he didn't speak to her,  but he did, and that he stayed on the phone the entire time, which he didn't. He even got into a conversation with me and my parents and he was supposed to be talking to his brother on the phone. My point is my FI has never said anything negative or nasty about my mother but she is constantly saying bad things about him! He's already asked her twice that if he offends or upsets he, to address him about it because he would right what ever he did wrong! Tell me why she still has not said anything to him about it. This has been going on for 2 1/2 years,and I'm not bringing kids into because I remember how my grandmother talked about my father! I just want this to end. By the way this is a southern woman from the hood, how do I go about this calmly?
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  • Thanks! That attitude is exactly how I feel and what's sad is that she won't let me grow up and marry the man that she approved of 2 1/2 years ago! I just wish i had the relationship with my mom that I have with my FMIL!! :(

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_really-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:1154a97e-59e1-4818-9295-d8056e9a418dPost:efab74e6-7538-4543-8363-e7a118feacea">Re: Really, MOM??</a>:
    [QUOTE]my mom never has anything good to say about anything unless she is benefitting. i just started to ignore her. Sometimes you just gotta take people for how they are and not pay them any attention. my mom told me every single dress i tried on was ugly, so i stopped dealin with her. its hard when u wanna have a certain kinda relationship with your mom but they always gotta mess it up and say something out of line. i just wouldnt pay her to much attention and brush it off. you are getting married and theres nothing she can do about it, so if she doesn tlike it....too bad. its your problem, not hers
    Posted by soontobehasrouni[/QUOTE]
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  • K I would agree with pps.  At a time when neither of you are hype, start a normal tone conversation (you start it) about what's really bothering her (it's not an argument about your fi's strategy).  If she doesn't want to talk about it or starts raising her voice, fall back and tell her we don't have to talk about it right now.   Your phrasing is interesting - she won't "let" you grow up..  girl I know what you mean, but frankly it isn't up to her, you're already grown.   with all due respect  I wholeheartedly disagree with 'tosha.   Barring a dude who's an a&&hole or abusive or both, who you're with should not depend on anyone's opinion but yours.   Yes it's easier and way more helpful overall to have your mother's approval, but being being a grown ass woman means you realize that it isn't essential to your well being.  your mom made her choices, now you have/will make yours. explaining that calmly and respectfully might actually be helpful for her to realize.    did you mention her being from the hood because she's likely to argue?  because if so this isn't really a back and forth argument i'm suggesting, you're stating something pretty simply, again if she starts to wind up or is uninclined to listen, hursh and try another time.

    i'm not sure if i'm interpreting correctly, did you say that you made the decision not to have children because of your impressions of how your mom will treat them/husband?   either way it''s entirely a personal decision but this is way too much influence for someone else to have about what you do with your life.

    be praying that you're able to talk to each other.  good luck.  ;)
  • I just sat here and read your post and I was very impressed and rlelieved all at the same time. I really appreciate you taking the time to sit and truly evaluate the situation for what it is. I'm thinking about not having children because of how I grew up listening to my folks talk about my dad and what they hated the most! I don't want that for our children to hear that and come home saying the things they heard! I just want her to understand that I love her but I have to  do this for me. 
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_really-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:1154a97e-59e1-4818-9295-d8056e9a418dPost:d11e8965-eb39-46b0-91c1-a153ed7392e9">Re: Really, MOM??</a>:
    [QUOTE]K I would agree with pps.  At a time when neither of you are hype, start a normal tone conversation (you start it) about what's really bothering her (it's not an argument about your fi's strategy).  If she doesn't want to talk about it or starts raising her voice, fall back and tell her we don't have to talk about it right now.   Your phrasing is interesting - she won't "let" you grow up..  girl I know what you mean, but frankly it isn't up to her, you're already grown.   with all due respect  I wholeheartedly disagree with 'tosha.   Barring a dude who's an a&&hole or abusive or both, who you're with should not depend on anyone's opinion but yours.   Yes it's easier and way more helpful overall to have your mother's approval, but being being a grown ass woman means you realize that it isn't essential to your well being.  your mom made her choices, now you have/will make yours. explaining that calmly and respectfully might actually be helpful for her to realize.    did you mention her being from the hood because she's likely to argue?  because if so this isn't really a back and forth argument i'm suggesting, you're stating something pretty simply, again if she starts to wind up or is uninclined to listen, hursh and try another time. i'm not sure if i'm interpreting correctly, did you say that you made the decision not to have children because of your impressions of how your mom will treat them/husband?   either way it''s entirely a personal decision but this is way too much influence for someone else to have about what you do with your life. be praying that you're able to talk to each other.  good luck.  ;)
    Posted by sultryzulu[/QUOTE]
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_really-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:1154a97e-59e1-4818-9295-d8056e9a418dPost:324c98d4-34e1-46f1-995c-5a7e68023285">Re: Really, MOM??</a>:
    [QUOTE]I just sat here and read your post and I was very impressed and rlelieved all at the same time. I really appreciate you taking the time to sit and truly evaluate the situation for what it is. I'm thinking about not having children because of how I grew up listening to my folks talk about my dad and what they hated the most! I don't want thaI just want her to understand that I love her but I have to do this for met for our children to hear that and come home saying the things they heard!  .  In Response to Re: Really, MOM?? :
    Posted by KBritton62313[/QUOTE]

    awww, glad it was helpful.  and 

    <strong><<I just want her to understand that I love her but I have to do this for me>>
    </strong>
    I think you just shortened my speech luvie.  <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />

    p.s. my mom doesn't have any boundaries.   she had to hear the pump your brakes or else speech more than once.   but because I started having it too late, she was really far gone by the time I said respect my wishes or we won't have a relationship at all.   So we don't.  Obviously that's not what I'd wish for anyone else, but the point I'm making is get used to sticking up for yourself and your future, both of you will get over the feeling of discomfort (unfamiliarity) that comes from it.
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