how to deal with people not bringing +1's

caseykeepers · May 2010

Here is a piece of advice that i WISH someone gave me....

my fiancee and i had to whittle our lists down just so all of our guests could fit into our dream venue. and now. 3 days away from our RSVP date, we are getting single people sending in repsonses with +1's, when we had to cut out other friends just to fit the friends we did invite, so there is no way we are including dates. we told as many of our non-married/single friends as we could, but they just don't get it.

so... what i would tell any brides to avoid this for their wedding, is to send all of your single/non-married friends a text or email or possibly a note along with the save the date, saying that you have no room for additional guests, since you are at max capacity for your venue and that although you would love to have them at your wedding, you cannot allow them to bring a date. that way, they know from the get-go, and if it really bothers them that much... they have the option of declining your invitation.

i really wish someone told me this in advance, then i wouldn't have had to learn the hard way and had to have so many awkward conversations with friends... a few days away from when our final numbers are due

laurenclaire1386 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_deal-people-not-bringing-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2edcedf3-75be-473a-802b-08a4436cf5acPost:50ab87b0-f4de-41e1-9ebc-5fc0c00fac6e">how to deal with people not bringing +1's</a>:
[QUOTE]Here is a piece of advice that i WISH someone gave me.... my fiancee and i had to whittle our lists down just so all of our guests could fit into our dream venue. and now. 3 days away from our RSVP date, we are getting single people sending in repsonses with +1's, when we had to cut out other friends just to fit the friends we did invite, so there is no way we are including dates. we told as many of our non-married/single friends as we could, but they just don't get it. so... what i would tell any brides to avoid this for their wedding, is to send all of your single/non-married friends a text or email or possibly a note along with the save the date, saying that you have no room for additional guests, since you are at max capacity for your venue and that although you would love to have them at your wedding, you cannot allow them to bring a date. that way, they know from the get-go, and if it really bothers them that much... they have the option of declining your invitation. i really wish someone told me this in advance, then i wouldn't have had to learn the hard way and had to have so many awkward conversations with friends... a few days away from when our final numbers are due :(
Posted by caseykeepers[/QUOTE]
I'm sorry, but I think you're dead wrong on this. Hammering the you don't get a +1 point home to your friends via text, email, whatever is rude to me. Addressing the envelopes properly (to only those invited) and then making a phone call and politely explaining that you can't accomodate their guest if they RSVP for more seems a lot more polite to me.

jasmineh7777 · May 2010

I'm sorry but I don't think this is great advice. You can simply call everyone that added a plus one and let them know that you cannot accomodate their guest.

pooh8402 · May 2010

what lauren said, exactly. individual phone conversations are definitely nicer than mass emails or texts.

klreese0213 · May 2010

i agree.. i don't think it's very polite to text/email a note saying "YOURE only invites- NO +1"
but i see how this is difficult for you. I think some people don't get it, even if you address the invite to 1 specific person. i think naturally people assume they can bring a date.
i would wait until all RSVP's come in, and see how declines you have. see if it's actually work the phone call to tell your friends they can't bring a date. you may not even have to worry.

lyndausvi · May 2010

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

but I can't agree with your advice.

Or maybe it's more that our guests know how to read an invite and would never assume they got a guest unless it was on the invite. They would be like "WTF? Why does she think I do not understand who is being invited?"

LP11509 · May 2010

One of FI's classmates got married last year, and sent out a mass e-mail stating that NONE of her guests were allowed to bring a date, including those who are engaged/married. I was PISSED. Obviously I was more mad that I wasn't invited when we were already engaged and living together at the time, but I was also taken aback by the general concept of the e-mail. Please don't do this to your guests.

cjohnsen2010 · May 2010

Our response cards say:

The favour of a reply is requested by
May 25, 2010

Mr. and Mrs. John Smith

We have reserved __2__ seat(s) in your honour
__Accepts with pleasure __ Declines with regret
or email your response to
xxxxxxxxx@gmail.com

Those in relationships or living together got Mr. John Smith and Ms. Jane Jones. Single people got Mr. George Adams or Ms. Judy Moore and Guest - we spelled it out who was invited.

If people don't understand this and add extra people, I have no problem calling them.

LindsMullinix · May 2010

cjohnsen2010 - I'm doing the same.

luckyme502 · May 2010

I just sent out our invites. Since we have to know what everyone is ordering ahead of time, everyone got their own response card, with their name already printed on it. We will see if that can hedge off confusion.

JennaV26 · May 2010

I understand your frustration, it sucks, but it sounds like you tried to mention it to people before invites went out and they just didn't listen. I bet a text would have only served to piss them off.

drjewell · May 2010

I understand the general Idea here but I believe it rude to invite someone and tell them that you won't know anyone in a croud of about 200 but not only do I want you to come I want you to come alone and have no one to talk to that you know or are that you are comfortable with. That seems rude as hell. You don't invite someone unless their significant other is included.

robinmichael · May 2010

Yeah, that is rude. Don't have a wedding you can't afford, people don't want to attend a WEDDING of all things alone.

smore154 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_deal-people-not-bringing-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2edcedf3-75be-473a-802b-08a4436cf5acPost:b31e7af0-e670-4566-bee0-1df1fa821e03">Re: how to deal with people not bringing +1's</a>:
[QUOTE]Our response cards say: The favour of a reply is requested by May 25, 2010 Mr. and Mrs. John Smith We have reserved __2__ seat(s) in your honour __Accepts with pleasure __ Declines with regret or email your response to xxxxxxxxx@gmail.com Those in relationships or living together got Mr. John Smith and Ms. Jane Jones. Single people got Mr. George Adams or Ms. Judy Moore and Guest - we spelled it out who was invited. If people don't understand this and add extra people, I have no problem calling them.
Posted by cjohnsen2010@gmail.com[/QUOTE]

This is the BEST idea I have ever seen!!! People are IDIOTS when it comes to you addressing the labels properly and then them still putting on their flavor of the week thinking they must be invited. I can't tell you how ticked off I get when I hear people actually do that. If your name isn't on the invite- you are not coming!!! I am TOTALLY stealing this idea for my invitations. Thank you!

goheels05 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_deal-people-not-bringing-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2edcedf3-75be-473a-802b-08a4436cf5acPost:e20f3eba-31a7-4b04-a04f-c8525f4201ff">Re: how to deal with people not bringing +1's</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand the general Idea here but I believe it rude to invite someone and tell them that you won't know anyone in a croud of about 200 but not only do I want you to come I want you to come alone and have no one to talk to that you know or are that you are comfortable with. That seems rude as hell. You don't invite someone unless their significant other is included.
Posted by drjewell[/QUOTE]

I'm pretty sure the OP is talking about people who don't <em>have</em> a significant other. Also, no one said anything about them not knowing anyone else at the wedding. While sending out a mass text or email is not the right way to go about it, there is nothing wrong with inviting singles without the option of bringing a random date.

wblais1 · May 2010

I think it's incredibly important to make sure when planning a wedding, that you can accomodate your guests. It is irrelevant whether they are single or in a long term relationship when it comes to bringing a date. You cut down your guests to accomodate your closest friends and family. You should care about your guests experience at your wedding. By excluding them from bringing a date, you are puting them in an awkward position by making it public that they don't have anything 'serious' enough for you. Never have I heard a guest be excited or happy about not bringing a date. It doesn't matter if their relationship is serious or not, it's about making your guests feel like you care if they have a good time.

If on top of not getting a plus one, I got a rude and unpersonal note, text, or email I would be livid.

scpalmtree06 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_deal-people-not-bringing-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2edcedf3-75be-473a-802b-08a4436cf5acPost:b31e7af0-e670-4566-bee0-1df1fa821e03">Re: how to deal with people not bringing +1's</a>:
[QUOTE]Our response cards say: The favour of a reply is requested by May 25, 2010 Mr. and Mrs. John Smith We have reserved __2__ seat(s) in your honour __Accepts with pleasure __ Declines with regret or email your response to xxxxxxxxx@gmail.com Those in relationships or living together got Mr. John Smith and Ms. Jane Jones. Single people got Mr. George Adams or Ms. Judy Moore and Guest - we spelled it out who was invited. If people don't understand this and add extra people, I have no problem calling them.
Posted by cjohnsen2010@gmail.com[/QUOTE]

I'm doing something similar, although we also need to know who specifically is coming and what entrée he/she requested. My RSVP postcards each have two lines printed on them for the guest's name, yes or no, and choice of entrée if they're coming. For family members who are bringing dates who are invited, I'm going to fill in the line myself (i.e. "Sarah" and "Guest"). We are not letting any of our single friends bring dates, which shouldn't be a problem anyways as none of them are currently in relationships. However, just in case, I will write their name on the first line and then cross out the second line to show that it should not be filled in. I can totally see 1 or 2 of them not understanding the etiquette!

goheels05 · May 2010

While it is nice and thoughtful to allow single guests to bring a date if space and budget allow, it is not necessary. If going without a date will make someone uncomfortable, then they can politely decline the invitation.

jsbt2014 · May 2010

OP, so sorry you're dealing with this problem! SIL was dealing with a similar problem. She and my brother were working with VERY limited space for the ceremony and had no room for friends with dates that were not in serious relationships. While most understood (pretty much everyone knew each other, so there really weren't any "loners"), there were a few of my brothers friends (go figure) that literally days before the wedding told SIL that they would be bringing a date. One of his friends even told her, "Oh I might bring like 3 or 4 friends, we'll see."

CJohnson2010, I LOVE what you're doing with your guests! I will definitely have to keep that in mind. I do agree with everyone in that it's probably best to just deal with RSVP violaters individually and either over the phone or in person.

psichick · May 2010

way to point out to your guests just how single they are with a mass email.

hugz415 · May 2010

I feel you on this subject. I just mailed my invites yesterday and I am bracing myself for the add-ons. I did my best to make it clear on both the save-the-dates and invites exactly who was invited. As much as it will not be fun, I think a phone call is the best way to handle any unexpected additions.

As for those who say everyone needs a date, I don't believe in this. I use the rule that unless they are married, engaged or otherwise very serious, they don't NEED a date. Yes its nice if you can but we are doing our best to accomodate my large family and still have room for friends. Most of my friends are single and enjoy all hanging out together so that makes it easier.

Good luck...but I would def nix the text/email idea.

Sunny0710 · May 2010

It is OK to invite singles as long as they are not in a relationship wherein they are living together/engaged/married. While it would be great to accomodate all guests with a date, it some instances it just isn't feasible. FI and I have a lot of single friends, and it we allowed them all to bring a random date we would have about 20/120 "dates" at our wedding that we've never even met before. This would also necessitate we cut close family and friends.

how to deal with people not bringing +1's

Re: how to deal with people not bringing +1's

2011 Reading Challenge

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

how to deal with people not bringing +1's

Re: how to deal with people not bringing +1&#039;s

2011 Reading Challenge

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Re: how to deal with people not bringing +1's