How do I approach her?

noelle24 · August 2009

I didn't even think about being on the HM during the cousin's wedding! That is PERFECTIONSee, this is where I'd be a passive agressive biitch. I'd rather NOT be on my honeymoon, and just lounge on the couch in my pajamas all day during the wedding. That would make me feel warm and fuzzy inside that catching up on my DVR is more important than going to my cousin's wedding.

jeannigirl · August 2009

OMG that is so wrong, and underhanded. I know that I would be hot with this. It does sound like she knows exactly when she did thats why she isn't contacting you back. What a big sneak. I am sorry that you have to deal with that from a family member. That is very tacky that she handed them out at the family reunion, she apparently has no class and neither does her mother by telling your mom to change the date of your wedding. Well you have several options, at this point you can keep your wedding date. The ones that want to share your day with you will. I would send mine out now. You can change the day and go with something earlier or later. I really hope this works out for you.

lmark7786 · August 2009

That is awful!!! I would drive the 3+ hours to her house, smack her in the face, call her a few choice names, and turn around to your car to go back home. (Just kidding... well... sort of... ;-) )Just thinking about this situation makes me so angry at her, and I don't even know her! That is probably the ultimate betrayal by anyone close to you... especially a family member and one that is IN your wedding! Wow, I just can't even imagine what was going through her mind...

Britton&Jim · August 2009

I just wanted to say I am sorry this is happening to you. I can't imagine doing something like that to someone, especially when you invited her to be in your wedding party. How could she possibly justify her date stealing? It's not like she was just a random guest who didn't know your date.As annoying and totally unfair as it is, I agree with PPs that you should change your date. I know your dating anniversary is important to you, and you certainly have the right to want to get married on that day, but in my opinion, the nostalgia and meaningfulness of that date are not worth the drama that will ensue if you keep June 5. I personally found that our dating anniversary didn't feel all that special once we were married. Your wedding anniversary will become the important day in your relationship. If I were you, if it were possible, I would move your date to May 22, 2010 (the weekend before June 5 is Memorial Day weekend).Your cousin was really nasty to take your date, but I think the best thing to do is to rise above her nastiness, change your date to two weeks before her wedding (a dash of passive-aggressiveness is always good in these situations), and try to ignore any drama that ensues. You have the right to keep June 5, but as PPs said, your family members, like your grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins would have to choose which wedding they would attend, and that could lead to some major family drama and ill-will. Wedding planning is stressful enough without having to deal with that!Good luck in your decision. I wish you all the best. I hope it rains on her wedding and the food is bad.

notquiteblushing · August 2009

That is all kinds of crazy. What does the rest of the family think? Do you have deposits down? I would proceed as planned for that day and assume your cousin wouldn't be attending.

leah2255 · August 2009

Maybe you two can have your wedding together. That's more interesting. Isn't it?

jbwed1 · August 2009

I'm also curious what the fam said about this? It sounds as if they all already knew that it was YOUR date...that it was when your wedding date had been set. Sooo, to me...they would feel more obliged to come to YOUR wedding, if they had to choose. I'm not saying them having to choose is a good thing....but it sounds like they knew of this prior commitment before she handed out her STD's. Maybe you should talk with them a little more and feel out the situation.Sounds like she's a big flake to me....and honestly, I'm not sure I'd trust her to even keep that date. Handing out STD's at a family reunion isn't the most organized thought out thing to do. She could potentially change her date a million times..assuming she hasn't actually picked out a venue...but just picked out a date. Before you go and try to get back deposits and change things, I would talk to the fam a bit more - not HER..but the rest of your family and see how committed to this she really is.

jeannigirl · August 2009

My question would be do you have things already booked and deposits put down? Maybe you can talk to your Venue and Vendors and see if they have anything open in the same month. If not stick with the original plans.This is all wrong and I think that I would seriously want to stomp her face. That was Jacked and its awful that you two have been put in a place where you have to make a decision on what your going to do. What does you FI say?

PhileahForever · August 2009

I'd change it to the week before her's too. Even if she gets mad and wants to change hers again (hey, you never know..), she probably wouldn't because she already made her save-the-dates.

kmarietaylor · August 2009

Wait, am I crazy or is July 5th on a Monday? If so, it sounds like your cousin is doing this on purpose. I wouldn't change the date, but out of spite you could change it to July 4th and schedule a brunch for key guests the next day so they can't attend her wedding.

tinkerbell.katie81 · August 2009

July 5th IS a Monday, but the OP's date is JUNE 5th. I made that mistake at first, too, but went back and re-read it after reading your post. June 5th is a Saturday.

kmarietaylor · August 2009

oops! Sorry, I'm slow today!

Kiwi4me · August 2009

smack a ho

hokiejennylynn · August 2009

Also, if you do change your date, send out your save the dates straightaway and make them way cuter and more original than hers

)

jenlovesjim · August 2009

I totally understand your frustration, but if you change your date to the weekend before just to be spiteful, what is your wedding going to really mean to you? You will look back at it years from now and probably only remember that you picked that date to get back at your cousin. There is a cliche saying, "what goes around, comes around", but it is true. She sounds like a miserable person, as does her mother, so let her create her own drama, but don't get involved in it. You have YOUR wedding to plan and get excited about. Keep the date, you know that most of your close family and friends will be there, so don't worry about the few people who go to hers. Most people won't travel more than 2 hours unless they plan to stay overnight, which can get pricey. It's ok to be hurt over this, but don't let it ruin your day. You can try to talk to her, but don't expect her to change the date. She probably won't care, and it will bother you only more...now if you really want to be spiteful (and this totally contradicts my post), you can change the date to the day before (Friday) and stock up with plenty of booze at the open bar. Any person attending her wedding the next day will be hung over or late to her ceremony or even too tired to go, and she'll learn her lesson that way. But I DON'T recommend it - it might come back in some way to bite you. It's fun to think of all the ways to get back at her, but this is your day to cherish, so be the bigger person

qwerty777 · August 2009

I love being spiteful, so I would probably move it to the weekend before, then find a spy to tell me everything about her wedding, and copy it all (as much as I could at least). Have the same choices in food, the same colors, similar BM dresses, same DJ, everything that I could so that when people go to her wedding, it will be exactly the same and they'll think she copied you again.

StefanieM522 · August 2009

I totally feel for you. My cousin tried to do the exact same thing. She changed her date from August 22, 2009 to May 22, 2010, which is the day that I am getting married, but I had already told everyone in the family my date so her parents and grandparents told her to move her date so now she is getting married two weeks before me, but I am not worried!! I know that my wedding is going to be awsome. Good luck with it all. I know it sucks and when I found out I wanted to drive to her house and smack her too!!!!

tentwoten · August 2009

What a psycho! I'm thinking that she was really chomping the bit to steal your day if she gave everyone save the dates 10 months before her wedding. I mean, I know you send those out well before the invitation, but, that's almost a year before! My date is 6-12-10, and I'm not sending mine out until November. I really don't know what to say. I feel like any advice would be a win-lose situation for you. I wouldn't want to change my date. Hope everything works out!

acrabtre · August 2009

I am not attached to a Saturday wedding, so since your'e in town I'd be REALLY spiteful and move it to June 4th (just one day earlier) and have it Friday night. It's technically not the same day, but who wants to drive to her wedding the next day?

Danalyn13 · August 2009

Oooh, I like acrabtre's suggestion. And then make sure you are en route to your honeymoon the next day. What a beotch!

Future Mrs. Lindstrom · August 2009

Sounds a little like she was jealous fo you being engaged so as soon as she got engaged she decided that she wanted all the attention. It's further proven by her blocking your email and not returning your calls. The fact that she handed out the save the dates to the family before you even got your with the same wedding date complicates things.The family now has her in mind for that date so if you send out yours, you will be second choice. Can you call her mom & talk to her about how to approach your cousin? You might have to accept that you might have to pick another date.

sbaillie · August 2009

That is sooooo wrong!!! My initial reaction was to blow up at her...however...I understand that June 5th is a special day (I am date crazy too!) but if you think about it, wouldn't it be nice to have TWO days to celebrate your lives together? I had expressed my deisire to FI (aka told him flat out) that our engagement should NOT be on a holiday/anniversary b/c it should be it's own special day.Although I would spite her just a wee bit and have your wedding the weekend before...and get the save the dates out ASAP! Then when she is fretting about wedding day snafus, you'll be sipping a pina colada basking in the glow of a tropical sun

lamosi2 · August 2009

I agree with all the other pp in regards to your cousin being jealous and just doing this to spite you. If you've already attempted to contact her numerous times and in different ways, at this point, I wouldn't worry about it nor would I go out of my way to make a 3 hour drive to her home. Your method of contact isn't the problem - her attitude is; so whether or not you discuss this issue with her in person or not, if her attitude hasn't changed, nothing will get accomplished.Like someone else said, don't let her antics take away from what this day means to you. This will be the day you marry your best friend! As far as your family goes, I'm sure you'd love it if everyone could come; however, the most important people will be there - your, your man, your parents/immediate family and your fiance's family.Let your cousin be the one to look back years from now and realize that all her wedding day memories were undercut by her desire to compete with you rather than what the day's supposed to be about.If you do feel like you want to change your date, I'd go with June 4th if it's available at your venue. This way, you may save some money since the wedding will be on a Friday versus a more popular Saturday.GL with everything!

t_siemens · August 2009

I like the idea of "sharing" her wedding. I would be very tempted to just elope (with close family and friends to witness) then go to her reception and spring the news on everyone. That will take the wind out of her sails and you get a free reception. Okay, I really wouldn't do that, but it's fun to think about.My opinion (cause you need more - jk), keep the date, anyone who wants to come to your wedding will make the effort. There doesn't have to be a family fight over the two weddings. As long as you make it clear that you won't get upset if people don't show up and go to hers (even if you do get a little mad). Plus if other family members (other than your immediate family) get their nose of joint - who cares, they obviously don't care enough = not worth the effort. Nobody needs to be around negativity like that.Most of all - do what you feel is right. Trust your gut.

themclarens · August 2009

To all of you who helped me with such wonderful advice. I actually drove to her house and talked to her and explained that June 5, 2010 is a very special day to my FI and I. It is the day we met 10 years ago, and I just recently foud out that June 5, is also my FI's deceased mothers birthday. So I asked her to please take my situation into consideration and think about it. We wen to lunch and met her FI and we all talked and he said that he wanted to get married the following weekend becasue he was chose by my FI to be in our wedding too. So everything is staying the same... And even though I'm not trying to be spiteful, my FI and I are still going on our honeymoon the following weekend, because it is already booked and paid for. and there are no other openings...(we are going to Cannon Beach, Oregon) and at that time of year they are booked solid. So I just want to say thank you to all you LOVELY BRIDES and BRIDES TO BE... THANKYOU. You have helped me so much.

How do I approach her?

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