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Wedding Party
siple1am
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Bridesmaids flaking out?
I was just informed that two of my bridesmaids are backing out of the wedding...I asking them to be in my wedding a few months ago, told them the dress cost ($150) and they ALL agreed...Well now, they say that its too much to pay for, and are backing out...I am getting married this July mind you!! So Should I ask other close friends, or should I just stick with the two that I have and hope that it doesn't look odd when I only have two girls to his four guys? Help me!
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Re: Bridesmaids flaking out?
They have given you a very valid reason. A couple of months ago, my DD probably would have agreed to be a BM. In the last 3 weeks, medical issues have sapped she and her DH. She'd now have to withdraw. $150 might not be a lot to you, but it would be the difference between paying rent or not now.
Don't replace them. How does that conversation go anyway? "You weren't good enough to be a first round draft choice for my WP, but now two of my REALLY good friends have dropped out. I don't want the pictures to be asymetrical, so will you put on the dress and smile for the pictures?"
And the conversation with the two friends who have withdrawn? How does that one go? "I replaced you because you couldn't pony up the cash, but these girls can.
This is just a bad idea all around.
1. Change the requirement. Find a lower-priced dress they can wear or let them choose their own dresses. You don't have to do this, it's fine to want the dress you want, but then you have to...
2. Accept that your friends won't be up there with you. Do not replace them for the reasons PPs have mentioned. Uneven is fine.
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Giving you a ton of notice that they can't afford the dress you picked is not flaking out. If anything, they are being polite by informing you as soon as possible.
Did you ask them their budget before you picked the dress? Either way it doesn't really matter. If they can't afford it then they can't. You can accept their decisions and not replace them, let them wear a black dress they already own, or help them pay for the dress.
If you told them that the dress would be $150, rather than asking each of them what they could afford ... then, that's your fault and you owe them an apology.
Also, don't forget that the expenses don't stop at the dress. They will need alterations; possibly new shoes* and undergarments/hoisery; they may be paying to get their hair, nails and makeup done*; they may be throwing you a shower and/or bachelorette party, which means that they may be paying for the food/location/decorations plus maybe a gift for you; they might give you a wedding gift; if they're not from the area then they are going to need to pay for a hotel room* for at least one night (more if there's a rehearsal and a day-after brunch or something), a plane/train ticket, a rental car or gas/tolls if they're driving in, plus maybe they need to pay a sitter or a pet sitter back home while they attend your wedding.
So, yeah, it may not JUST be $150 that's the problem here. In no other instance in life would it be acceptable to say to a friend, "You have to pay $xxx to participate in this event with me/buy this item to accommodate my wishes," so it should not be acceptable for your wedding, either. Call them, apologize for dictating the cost, and ask if there's any way you can help. And talk to the other BMs as well, because if two have spoken up about the price then there's a very good chance that the other two may feel the same way.
And if they still do not want to participate, then don't replace them.
(*And if you are requiring certain shoes, and/or professional hair/makeup/nails, and/or that they stay in a hotel with you, then you are obligated to pay for it. Otherwise you have zero right to tell them that they need to do these things.)
[QUOTE]I was just informed that two of my bridesmaids are backing out of the wedding...I asking them to be in my wedding a few months ago, told them the dress cost ($150) and they ALL agreed...Well now, they say that its too much to pay for, and are backing out...I am getting married this July mind you!! So Should I ask other close friends, or should I just stick with the two that I have and hope that it doesn't look odd when I only have two girls to his four guys? Help me!
Posted by siple1am[/QUOTE]
Either cover the costs for the girls who have informed you that they cannot afford the dress (and that was actually considerate of them to give you 6 months' notice) if you truly want them in the wedding or don't and accept that you will have 2 BMs. It's fine to have sides that do not perfectly match. But it was your faux pax to tell them the dress was going to be $150 and not ask them what they preferred to spend on a dress before chosing one (that, unfortunately, ended up being out of their budgets).
Which is more important? This dress, or having your friends in your wedding? Ask them what they can afford (and apologize for screwing up and not asking this in the beginning) and find a dress in that budget. Or you could just tell everyone to wear a black cocktail dress of their choice.
If the dress is more important than these girls, don't replace them. We had 4/2 and it was lovely.
Also, are you and the bride friends with the original bridesmaid anymore? Did you guys find out if there was anything going on in her life (I would think that something pretty major would've happened to make a good friend not get her dress), or did you just replace her because she wasn't devoted enough to the wedding?
And did the bride ask you and the other BMs for your budgets before picking out the dress? If not, maybe she couldn't afford it. In that case it wasn't her fault.
And you're not going to apologize to them that it's suddenly too much? This is a friendship issue you're creating by not seeing if anything else is going on.
If you are unable to find it within their price range, look for a new dress within their current price range. If they still don't want to be in the wedding, that is their decision.
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[QUOTE]Ok, I have read a lot of the responses and I understand that telling them how much the dress is...but I should have been more clear...they picked the dress out themselves, so whoever said I should apoloigize, I asked several times..I was the one who thought it was too pricey! They all agreed, seperately and together, and said it was fine, then a few months went by...and they all of a sudden couldn't afford it... And to people who said it wasn't flaking out...Yes it is. I don't care if I had a year until my wedding....People who agree to something and don't do it, that's flaking out...REGARDLESS of time.. I'm not going to apologize to people who picked out the dress then said 'ooops wait sorry too expensive...and I don't want you to help me out financially with it so I'm just not going to be in your wedding..I would feel too bad...'
Posted by siple1am[/QUOTE]
You are being too hard on them. Telling you months in advance that they cannot doing is not flaking out. It is being responsible.
Anyway, it sounds like they aren't really that important to you anyway, so just move on.