Arizona-Phoenix

Where is all the drama coming from? (long)

So, I'm a nerd because I really want to change the subject line to "From where is all the drama coming" so that it doesn't end in a preposition...ANYWAYInvites went out over the weekend and now drama is cropping up everywhere! I know a lot of it is unavoidable/unpredictable. My bridesmaid broke up with the best man a few days ago. Neither of them are very mature about that kind of stuff, so hopefully it will be ok. I'm not upset about this though, because things like this happen, and my wedding is the least of the problems here.What I am a little peeved about is one of FI's ex-girlfriends. She happens to be married to a guy that would not leave me alone for almost a year. I mean really, this guy didn't know that if I say I'm busy every time you ask me to do something and I "lose your number" or "break my phone" more than 3 times, I'm not interested. But, on to the point. FI and I decided not to invite them to the wedding (I feel pretty justified in this). It gets sticky, because my family is good friends with the other guy's parents. And they live in his parents' casita. We did invite the parents. (Not that most people will think it matters, but I was not invited to their wedding, while my parents were.) So the girl texts FMIL today and asks where her invite was and why she wasn't invited. FMIL hasn't responded yet (to my knowledge, FI is checking on this). She did tell FI that he was super rude not to invite them and that they need to be allowed to come. FI and I talked about it, and we are both agreed that we don't want them there. There are just so many things wrong with how this is being handled, and I'm worried about hurting feelings. Advice? Validation? Similar stories to make me feel better? :)

Re: Where is all the drama coming from? (long)

  • edited December 2011
    I don't think you're wrong to not invite people you don't want at your wedding! It's going to be your day and if neither of you want them there then don't worry about it. As far as a response to her inquiry I wouldn't even address it - you've got too many other things to deal with. Worst case scenario, she won't talk to you again and it sounds like that would be the ideal situation anyhow! I haven't had to deal with this, but I told my FI that the one rule to our invites is no exes at our wedding.  It may sound immature but it's going to be the one day that I want to feel nothing but good about! On a side note, we're inviting FI's aunts and uncles but not cousins in order to keep our guest list down and to keep the peace. If you must respond to this person you could always validate with that.  Good luck Mal and don't worry too much!
  • imshellimshell member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    hmmm, are you asking any other of each other's ex-anythings?
  • mresendezmresendez member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    No Shel, we are doing a completely ex-free wedding. (Except for one guy I have been friends with for a long time, and we were "going out" for exactly sixteen hours when we were ten years old. I asked FI and he said that was ok. :) )To add to the fact, FMIL has sat me down before to tell me how wonderful the ex-g was and how she was just perfect and made it quite clear that I would never measure up to her in her eyes. Not that that is ex-g's fault, but still.And like I told FI, if she is so close to us that she's devastated that she's not coming to the wedding, why didn't she contact one of us? Why is she contacting FMIL (who has had little to do with the wedding, and at one point was trying to talk FI out of it)?Side story: FI served an LDS mission for two years. He broke up with her before he left (he was 19 years old). She and FMIL decided that they were going to get married anyway, and they started going on vacations together and planning for their future life as mother and daughter in laws. When FI found out, he had to have a little talk with his  mom. It's just a wierd situation all around.
  • nzg1983nzg1983 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Ew, Mal, that is kinda gross that they (ex-g & FMIL) would make sneaky plans like that!  You are definitely in the right here.  You are not obligated to anyone but your FI and yourself.  Trust me, you don't want to have any regrets on your big day.
  • edited December 2011
    Wow it sounds like your MIL is cracked in the head a little bit.  I'm sorry you "won't measure up" to her, ever.  I grew up with my grandma acting like that to my mom, and boy, as the kid stuck in the middle, it is not fun!  SO just beware when you have kids it gets alot worse!  Also, my MIL is best friends with my fi's ex-gf and her family.  They are all Polish, and I am sure that MIL would just looove for them to come to the wedding.  I honestly feel like I don't measure up to this girl, because I am a "dumb American" (as put by my MIL).  It's a cultural difference, but also people just have more inclination towards one than another.  I told my fi as soon as we got engaged, NO ex'es!  He is still "friends" with all of his ex'es, for what reason I am still not sure.  He agreed, and if MIL wants them to come, too bad.So I hope for your sake, you stick to your guns, and don't invite them because they are being rude!
  • imshellimshell member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think it's pretty lame! If anyone brings it up, I would clearly state that you both decided to not invite people you were previously involved with, as you wouldn't want them to feel envious of how happy you were on your big day. If there are further comments, I'd try to laugh it off and turn it into a joke, but that's how I deal with conflict :)
  • mresendezmresendez member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks girls, that is all great advice. Unfortunately, FI called a bit ago to say that after asking his mom specifically what she said back, he found out that she told her to come. Something along the lines of "I'm sure you were invited, it must have just been an oversight". So now I am stuck and I'm mad not only at this girl but also at my FMIL. PLUS, I really cannot have my FMIL just inviting people at her leisure. I understand she was in an uncomfortable position, but I don't feel like she has any right to invite people. We gave her ample time to come up with a list, and it has been finalized for a long time. I cannot afford to have people just showing up to the wedding!
  • edited December 2011
    Icky icky.  So do you now have to send an actual invitation?
  • edited December 2011
    oh hellz no! Sorry, I'm new here, so hope you don't mind if I chime in. But that is just rude! You said they didn't invite you to their wedding, right? So why do they feel they should be at yours? And FMIL has way overstepped her boundaries, imo. I think your FI should either talk this ex himself and set her straight, or tell him mom what's what and have her do it. You shouldn't have to put up with her at your wedding. Ew.
  • mresendezmresendez member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Ya, FI will be having a chat with his mom. She has no concept of the word boundary. According to her, being in a family comes with responsibility (read: everyone in the family must do exactly as she pleases, when she pleases). Unfortunately, this is not the worst example of that by far. As for the ex-g and her husband, we will not be sending them an invite. We will not plan for them to be there. While I do not want to call her and tell her they can't come, FMIL will have to let her know that she was mistaken and that there was actually no intended invitation. Lovely... On a much happier note, my bridal shower is tomorrow! :)
  • kellytupkellytup member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My FMIL has taken it upon herself to add people to the invite list (we are paying for the wedding) and she believes it's our responsibility to provide accommodations for her family.  My fi finally told her to stop emailing me because it's stressing me out and that none of my family is expecting me to house them.  Also, she didn't come to my bridal shower today so that was fun.  We've never had the best relationship, but I thought she wanted to try to make our relationship better. 
  • kellytupkellytup member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Mal was your shower today too (Saturday)?  If so, we are date twins and shower twins.
  • edited December 2011
    That is absolute insanity and I am so glad you're being strong, standing your ground and not inviting them just because FMIL says so.  It is beyond ridiculous and absurd that either FMIL and XGF feel they are remotely just in their position on this.I feel like I see quite a few FMILs not handle the fact that they are no longer in charge of their sons' decisions and this makes them resent their FDILs for having more of a say.  I feel so blessed that I don't have to deal with that, and I applaud you for handling this with such dignity and grace.
  • mresendezmresendez member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for all the support ladies. I start to wonder sometimes if I am overreacting, because I can't believe a grown woman would act the way she does, and so I figure that I must be misinterpreting it. It really helps to know that I'm not the only one who sees it from my point of view! Kelly, how was the shower?? Can you believe how close we are to the wedding?
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