Dead too long?

KitteeBride2Be · September 2009

Can a person be dead too long to justify not having a memory candle or to place a rose on a seat for them?My grandma will be dead 8 years in October. My mother has never really moved on (bigger issue than a rose or candle, I know), but she has asked me about this and was hurt that I didn't consider it. As close as I was w/ my gram, I just feel it's not appropriate to bring this up at our wedding. 1) My mom is already super emotional. I don't want it to upset her. 2) FIs grandfather is dead 20 years, do we put one out for him, too? 3) My aunt made some really awful comments when my gram died about my gram being in hell bc she wasnt a born again christian. I don't want this to stir up anymore negativity that day between she, my mom and my uncle.It was my gram... I love her and I miss her, but she wasn't a parent and she died nearly a decade ago. It feels weird to me to bring it up at the wedding. I don't know if I should do this for my mother or try to convince her that it's a bad idea. Opinions?

ggmae · September 2009

Even if someone passed away a while ago, we still remember them so why exclude them? My uncle passed away 18 years ago and we listed him in the program - my aunt was very touched. I would either list all of the names or just do a general "Today we remember those that could not be here with us."

pumpkinpumpkin · September 2009

Honestly, I don't get the memorial rose/candle, etc. It's a wedding, not a memorial service. You and your family will know that you treasure your passed relatives. There is no need to turn it in to a memorial. Just over a month ago, one of Mark's GM died suddenly. Because he was a GM, we're listing him in the program as an honourary groomsman. But we're not listing or doing anything for any other relatives or friends that we have lost.

mandapanda78 · September 2009

There's no time limit, per se. At no point do you have to do a memorial. If you think it will stir up a funerial atmosphere and/or tension (which it sounds like it will) skip it. If you want to honor any loved ones who have passed do so privately- maybe borrow a piece of heirloom jewelry or something. My dad passed 8 years ago and I'm wearing one of his firefighting pins in the folds of my dress. That's it.

ggmae · September 2009

Ah, I missed the part where you think it's a bad idea. There's no requirement that says you have to acknowledge lost loved ones. I was thinking that you wanted to include some but not others and was saying that excluding your grandma if you were to list others would be hurtful to some.

TheSaltyPeanut · September 2009

Good question. FI and I have run into this problem recently. We both thankfully are on the same page. We both have lost almost all grandparents a LONG time ago. With that being said, we are just having a memory table with FI's dad, two soldiers that served with FI that were killed in Samara and my Uncle. These deaths were recent and more or less "too young to have died." I do not mean to offend anyone... just stating our thoughts. We did mention grandparents names in the program though.

aerinpegadrak · September 2009

I'm not a big fan of the roses on the seat anyway, it just makes people kind of uncomfortable. You can do a memory candle that makes a blanket mention of all your loved ones who are no longer with you, or maybe do the photo charms on the bouquet. Whatever you do for it, I'd make sure your photographer gets some good pictures of the memorial, and give a framed one to your mother.Weddings are celebrations of life and joy. I don't think your grandmother would want you to draw attention to anyone's grief on your wedding day.

september's bride · September 2009

You don't *have* to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, although a wedding is a celebration of families too, and it might be nice to honour your deceased relatives in some way if it's important to your mom. We're having two memorial candles; one for my family and one for FI's, and they have the names of the deceased from each side that we wanted honoured, or someone else wanted honoured. That way, nobody was singled out and the end goal of honouring our grandparents, etc. was still achieved.

LesPaul · September 2009

My Mother died in 1972 and she was listed in the program "In Memoriam", along with my Father, who died in 1997. It's up to you - if it stirs up too much drama then you might want to skip it. If it will be received respectfully, then go ahead.

jen629 · September 2009

my father passed away 26 years ago and it was very important for me to acknowledge him I had a candle at the altar and I also had a memory bouquet frame . We mentioned both fathers in the prayer of the faithful but you have to do whats best for you and will make you feel better

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt · September 2009

First, you don't have to do anything you don't want to. Second, you could tell your mom you will consider it and then just not do anything. I don't think she'll even notice on the day of the wedding, but if she does, it's not likely she'll say anything. You could use the standard phrase in the program about remembering "loved ones who couldn't be with you during your celebration." Then it doesn't even have to be a memorial and could include guests who weren't able to travel, etc. But no, to answer your question, I don't think there's a "too long" if you really wanted to do it. I do think that if you include one grandparent you should include them all.

NeptunesViolin · September 2009

It's totally up to you who you would like to recognize in a memorial. I was thinking of doing something for my grandma who just passed but I think it'd bring down the mood too much.

KitteeBride2Be · September 2009

We're not doing programs, but I will consider puting out a candle with a general statement to honor all our loved ones who couldn't be there with us. Maybe a photo pin for my bouquet, as my bouquet is a gift for my mom.I think the bigger issue is sitting down with her and explaining exactly why I don't want to draw attention to that specific situation. I think she will be understanding...Thanks for all your great suggestions.

tlv204 · September 2009

I"m not a big fan of a lot of memorial stuff at weddings either, for several reasons that probably don't apply to everyone. My dad passed away 13 years ago, and all I did was have a note in the program that said "we want to thank and honor everyone who could not be with us today" which covered all deceased family and friends as well as close family who was too ill to attend, and I had a pair of earrings my dad gave me that I put in my bouquet. I think it's a personal decision. I do think that if you do a memorial candle table, it would be nice to not cut anyone out, but I see what you mean about where does one draw the line? Is there another way you can remember her without making it so public that it could stir trouble, but public enough that it helps your mom?

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt · September 2009

OP, here's something you can tell your mom:If Grandma were with us, she'd want us to have a great time at the wedding. I'm sure that's still true even if she were with us, and it wouldn't do her justice to honor her in a way that might make people sad. Let's have a good time with lots of happy memories at the wedding because that's what grandma would want.There's no real way to argue it. Your mom knows she's emotional about your grandma and that a memorial would probably make her sad. So...grandma wouldn't want that. You guys fighting over some kind of memorial isn't happy...so, grandma wouldn't want that.

Dead too long?

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