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Shoes v. Her BSC Mother...NEED ADVICE!

loves2shop4shoesloves2shop4shoes member
First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
in Not Engaged Yet
Hey girls.  Ok, so my mother is driving me bananas again.  And I need advice.

So, as you know, FI and I recently went to Maine and found the wedding venue of our dreams.  I called my mom yesterday and told her how much I love the venue, gave her some details, etc. and told her I printed her some pictures we took so she could see how awesome it was.

Then last night, FI and I went out to dinner with his mother and her BF.  So, we're at dinner...and my mother called me 5 times throughout the course of dinner.  She left me voicemails saying, "I've been trying to get a hold of you.  Call me back TONIGHT."

So I call her back while I was in the car with FI, FMIL, and FMIL's BF.  My mom said she was thinking about it, and she thinks I need to keep looking for other venues.  She said the venue is too expensive, it's too far away, and it charges guests too much money to stay over there.  The cabins up there are $300/night, but they sleep 5-6 people.  So I don't think it really is that bad. 

And she just kept biitching about how it's 400 miles from NY and how it's "asking too much of the guests."  I told her that anyone who couldn't afford it or thought it was too much of an imposition didn't have to come, and really, what am I supposed to do here?  Have a 40k wedding in Boston that I can't afford and drown in debt?  Have a wedding in Boston that I can afford that will not be as nice and be pissed off that I'm eating my wedding dinner off of plastic plates?  Have the wedding in Jersey (like she wants) to make it more convenient for her?

No matter where I have the wedding, I'll have guests from NY, CT, Vermont, Massachusetts, South Carolina, Florida, Portugal, and Italy.  So, no matter WHERE I have it, there will be a lot of OOT guests.  I tried explaining this to her, but all she keeps saying is "I'm trying to explain this in a way that you'll understand this."  

Finally I told her, "Mom, I'm not an idiot.  I understand what you're saying and the ramifications of what you're saying.  I just don't agree with it."  I ended the conversation by saying "Thank you for that perspective.  But I have no interest in engaging in a circular argument with you, so I'll call you in the morning."  And I hung up.

I was supposed to go to her house for the weekend.  I need to handle some bank errands with her tomorrow.  And I really need to...I'm broke and the errands I need to run, she HAS to be present at.  We were supposed to stay for the weekend through Sunday (when I have my cousin's bridal shower to attend) and then come back to MA.

But I REALLY don't want to go down there if this is the kind of nonsense I'm going to have to deal with.

Please give me advice on any of this.  I can't think clearly because I'm too upset.

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Re: Shoes v. Her BSC Mother...NEED ADVICE!

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    Ember01Ember01
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would just keep thanking her for the advice, and tell her that you and FI are still talking through options, and once you make a final decision, you will let her know. If she keeps at it, gently remind her whose wedding it is, and that ultimately you and FI will make the final decisions.

    Is she helping to pay for the wedding? That makes it a bit more difficult.
    ~~December 3, 2011~~
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    loves2shop4shoesloves2shop4shoes member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Oh...I forgot to add.  FI and I are paying for the ENTIRE wedding.  My dad was originally going to pay for the wedding, but he can't now because she put a lien on his house for alimony he allegedly owes her from 1991.  The two are now in litigation over this.  (Litigation which has already cost them over $10k since JANUARY.)

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    Ember01Ember01
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Oh yeah, now I remember all of the backstory...Yeah, then she really doesn't get much of a say in where the two of you decide to spend your money.

    ~~December 3, 2011~~
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    csousa1csousa1 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    If it were me and my mom, I would call her today and say, "Look, I don't want to derail the plans for the weekend, but I can see it being very tense if we talk too much about the venue situation. Can we agree to stay mum on the topic for the weekend in order to have a good time with each other? We can pick it back up later, if we need to." And then I would go down, try to have a good time, and just repeat your "not having a circular argument" mantra if she brings it up. You can always leave if it gets to be too much to handle.
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    csousa1csousa1 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_shoes-v-her-bsc-motherneed-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:e58d60ef-8473-49e2-a2fc-804a73d025ffPost:9bbfb6fd-0c12-4db8-a763-b8e3eba82732">Re: Shoes v. Her BSC Mother...NEED ADVICE!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh...I forgot to add.  FI and I are paying for the ENTIRE wedding.  My dad was originally going to pay for the wedding, but he can't now because she put a lien on his house for alimony he allegedly owes her from 1991.  The two are now in litigation over this.  (Litigation which has already cost them over $10k since JANUARY.)
    Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

    Um, yea, and point out that the bottom line is that it is not on her dime, so she doesn't have to worry about it. Tell her you will personally talk to the guests that have issues with it if that situation should arise.
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    lmwilberlmwilber member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with PP. I'm also gonna play devils advocate here for a min,(and am in no way endorsing your mother's BSC-ness.) I am wondering if she feels left out of the whole thing. You and FI found this great location, that is so 'far away' that she has never seen in person. You and FI planed a menu, you and FI are looking at other vendors. You and FI are paying fot the wedding. There's no room for her. I  understand your history with her, so I'm IN NO WAY suggesting you include her, but sometime just being able to understand her emotions on this might give you perceptive on another way to approach it. Sure, you want her to be the mature one, who just ozoozes rainbows and sunshine b/c if you're happy then she's happy. It sucks knowing that you might be more adult then you parent. But, hey, we go though life with the parents we got, not the parents we want.

    If all else fails, Bean Dip her, and try to have a nice weekend :)
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    polkadot111polkadot111 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_shoes-v-her-bsc-motherneed-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:e58d60ef-8473-49e2-a2fc-804a73d025ffPost:4dd933b0-2092-4af6-a58f-43e44229cc7f">Re: Shoes v. Her BSC Mother...NEED ADVICE!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree with PP. I'm also gonna play devils advocate here for a min,(and am in no way endorsing your mother's BSC-ness.) I am wondering if she feels left out of the whole thing. You and FI found this great location, that is so 'far away' that she has never seen in person. You and FI planed a menu, you and FI are looking at other vendors. You and FI are paying fot the wedding. There's no room for her. I  understand your history with her, so I'm IN NO WAY suggesting you include her, but sometime just being able to understand her emotions on this might give you perceptive on another way to approach it. Sure, you want her to be the mature one, who just ozoozes rainbows and sunshine b/c if you're happy then she's happy. It sucks knowing that you might be more adult then you parent. But, hey, we go though life with the parents we got, not the parents we want. If all else fails, Bean Dip her, and try to have a nice weekend :)
    Posted by lmwilber[/QUOTE]

    I agree with you.
    Used to be bourgehm. +1,500 posts. Silly knot
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    Blue & WhiteBlue & White member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I would "price" some places in Jersey...because trust me, dollar signs will flash in her eyes once she sees the price difference.  We paid something like $250/night at a Hilton in Hackensack for a family wedding.  Um, that's about $300.  And we needed 2 rooms to sleep my 6 person family (we'd only need one cabin at your wedding venue...)

    I guess, to tell you the truth, I've never had much of a desire to grow facial hair. I think I've managed to play quarterback just fine without a mustache. - Peyton
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    MissOwlMissOwl
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    i agree with blue and white. show her some outrageous per head venues and then show her how incredible your place is. stick to your guns lady!
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