Do you think it's rude...

jmconley08 · June 2012

...to just go to the reception and skip the wedding ceremony because it's easier to get a babysitter. The ceremony is about 30 mins long then it's a 20-25 min drive to reception after. Thanks for the opinions.

angelstar975 · June 2012

I do think it's rude. It's like, "I don't care enough to see you get married, but of course I'll come eat and drink for free." I know people do it, but I don't think it's cool.

vbandell · June 2012

I dont think it is rude, I guess I see that a lot, just everyone has a different timing. Im thinking for mine Im going to have to have 2 different rsvp things one to the dinner for the wedding and one for the dance because to have anymore people is just to expensive, but it would be nice for you to let them know you wont be at the ceremony

lacey3eb · June 2012

I see it happen a lot, especially when there is a big gap between the ceremony and reception and for Friday weddings. If you can make it to the ceremony then do it, but if not I don't think it's a big deal.

sparent2010 · June 2012

Sometimes you have to choose. If my friend could only come to one or the other I would rather have them at the reception. At least I could talk to them.

adamar15 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-you-think-its-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:de74f452-02ce-4934-a86d-c3c791cad000Post:b8f86729-be9e-4377-8bca-9389a54a1fe2">Re: Do you think it's rude...</a>:
[QUOTE]I dont think it is rude, I guess I see that a lot, just everyone has a different timing.Im thinking for mine Im going to have to have 2 different rsvp things one to the dinner for the wedding and one for the dance because to have anymore people is just to expensive, but it would be nice for you to let them know you wont be at the ceremony
Posted by vbandell[/QUOTE]

That's really rude. You can't invite people to part of the event. They need to be invited to the whole thing.

OP, I do think it's rude to skip the ceremony and go to the reception, unless there's a good reason to do so. Not wanting to pay a babysitter seems like a pretty crappy reason to me.

rsanna · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-you-think-its-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:de74f452-02ce-4934-a86d-c3c791cad000Post:b8f86729-be9e-4377-8bca-9389a54a1fe2">Re: Do you think it's rude...</a>:
[QUOTE]I dont think it is rude, I guess I see that a lot, just everyone has a different timing. Im thinking for mine Im going to have to have 2 different rsvp things one to the dinner for the wedding and one for the dance because to have anymore people is just to expensive, but it would be nice for you to let them know you wont be at the ceremony
Posted by vbandell[/QUOTE]

I am really hoping you mean like you just want to know how many people will be there for dinner and dancing or just one or the other and that you aren't inviting some of your guests to dinner. I really really hope it is not the latter.

Anyway, I never really thought of it OP, but I don't think it is rude. In fact, that is my parents right there. They don't really do ceremonies, and I only ever remember going to one, but if we were invited we always went to the reception. I never thought of it for the reason of just eating free food, my parents just didn't like going to ceremonies and sitting through them. And I never really thought anything about it. In fact, I have a feeling some of my relatives will be doing just this for my wedding. However, this is just my experience and I would still say if you can make it to the ceremony to go to it.

EDIT: I do think it is rude, but I wouldn't be horribly offended by it, because I never really thought about it. If it can be avoided I would still say to go to both the ceremony and the reception.

MangoSong · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-you-think-its-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:de74f452-02ce-4934-a86d-c3c791cad000Post:94631c76-d782-4a76-adcc-ea1cc26d7f59">Re: Do you think it's rude...</a>:
[QUOTE]I do think it's rude. It's like, "I don't care enough to see you get married, but of course I'll come eat and drink for free." I know people do it, but I don't think it's cool.
Posted by angelstar975[/QUOTE]
If you can get a babysitter, try. If there is really no way to get a sitter, then you have to do what you got to do. But yes, it is rude.

The day isn't about the reception and party, it's about two people joining together to become one.

aragx6 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-you-think-its-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:de74f452-02ce-4934-a86d-c3c791cad000Post:b8f86729-be9e-4377-8bca-9389a54a1fe2">Re: Do you think it's rude...</a>:
[QUOTE]I dont think it is rude, I guess I see that a lot, just everyone has a different timing. Im thinking for mine Im going to have to have 2 different rsvp things one to the dinner for the wedding and one for the dance because to have anymore people is just to expensive, but it would be nice for you to let them know you wont be at the ceremony
Posted by vbandell[/QUOTE]

Don't do that.

OP, I think it's polite to try to attend both, but if your schedule doesn't allow you to attend the ceremony, I think it's fine. I also think it's likely that the B&G won't even notice.

ootmother2 · June 2012

I think it's rude if the only reason is shorter baby sitter time.

Other circumstances I would judge on a case by case basis but generally if you accept the invitation, you go to the wedding and the reception

adamar15 · June 2012

You guys realize the reason for the party is to thank you for coming to the ceremony, correct? I think it's really shitty not to go to the ceremony just because you "don't do ceremonies." If there's an actual scheduling conflict, fine, but just to not go because you don't feel like it? That's BS.

montanabounding · June 2012

Where is the ceremony held?

My best friend (my MOH) got married in a church. I won't touch that religion with a ten-foot pole and wouldn't have gone, but it was my best friend's wedding, and she's "auntie" to my child and asked to see him. We sat quietly in the church's crying room for the ceremony, I watched/paid attention to the important part (vows), and brought my knitting for the rest. My child was quiet and had things to do, I witnessed the important parts of the ceremony, and we were there. (ETA: I didn't bring my knitting in the church where the ceremony was held. There was a separate room cut off from the rest of the church where everybody else was, where people typically brought their children. My child and I were the only ones in there. He brought his toys, I brought mine, we were quiet and didn't disrupt and nobody but the bride/groom even knew we were there.)

If you can have your child there without them being a distraction or an interruption (like staying in the crying room), I say go for it. That way, you can be there, and you don't have to deal with a babysitter. Win-win.

If there isn't that option, I'm not sure what to tell you.

I don't think I'd go to the reception without going to the ceremony unless there was a REALLY good reason (like you're switching off babysitting with someone who'll be at the ceremony but not the reception).

ootmother2 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-you-think-its-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:de74f452-02ce-4934-a86d-c3c791cad000Post:b8f86729-be9e-4377-8bca-9389a54a1fe2">Re: Do you think it's rude...</a>:
[QUOTE]I dont think it is rude, I guess I see that a lot, just everyone has a different timing. Im thinking for mine Im going to have to have 2 different rsvp things one to the dinner for the wedding and one for the dance because to have anymore people is just to expensive, but it would be nice for you to let them know you wont be at the ceremony
Posted by vbandell[/QUOTE]

FYI, tiered receptions are extremely rude!

Cut your guest list if it's too expenive

Kate61487 · June 2012

I don't think it's a big deal if you have a reason. If your babysitter can't get there in time for you to get to the ceremony I think that's a pretty legitimate reason to miss it. If it's just a matter of you not wanting to go that's a little rude like angelstar said, but honestly I couldn't tell you who was or wasn't at the ceremony for sure except who I saw in the video after the fact...

ETA: I read OP as her babysitter couldn't be there in time; like maybe she has school or work until a certain time. Not that she just didn't want to pay for an extra hour.

rsanna · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-you-think-its-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:de74f452-02ce-4934-a86d-c3c791cad000Post:18f84a7c-2804-44fa-8df1-dacee19cd8e7">Re: Do you think it's rude...</a>:
[QUOTE]You guys realize the reason for the party is to thank you for coming to the ceremony, correct? I think it's really shitty not to go to the ceremony just because you "don't do ceremonies." If there's an actual scheduling conflict, fine, but just to not go because you don't feel like it? That's BS.
Posted by adamar15[/QUOTE]

Yes, I do realize this. I was just saying this is my experience, so some people (like me) wouldn't think that much of it, because that is the way my family works. However, I realized my post wasn't that clear, because I do agree it is rude (how my family works or not) and that OP should make every effort to go to the ceremony.

Like I said, I had never thought anything of it when my parents did it, because I was really little. The last wedding we went to, we just went to the reception, but that was because it was my Dad's friend's daughter who was getting married. I fully believe if it was his friend, they would have gone to the ceremony (since that is the only ceremony I remember going to). This doesn't excuse any behavior and the OP should still make every effort to go to the ceremony.

NicoleSahara · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-you-think-its-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:de74f452-02ce-4934-a86d-c3c791cad000Post:ac785062-0681-4998-8a9c-3f1d1b76b3d3">Re: Do you think it's rude...</a>:
[QUOTE]Where is the ceremony held? My best friend (my MOH) got married in a church. I won't touch that religion with a ten-foot pole and wouldn't have gone, but it was my best friend's wedding, and she's "auntie" to my child and asked to see him. We sat quietly in the church's crying room for the ceremony, I watched/paid attention to the important part (vows), and brought my knitting for the rest. My child was quiet and had things to do, I witnessed the important parts of the ceremony, and we were there. (ETA: I didn't bring my knitting in the church where the ceremony was held. There was a separate room cut off from the rest of the church where everybody else was, where people typically brought their children. My child and I were the only ones in there. He brought his toys, I brought mine, we were quiet and didn't disrupt and nobody but the bride/groom even knew we were there.) If you can have your child there without them being a distraction or an interruption (like staying in the crying room), I say go for it. That way, you can be there, and you don't have to deal with a babysitter. Win-win. If there isn't that option, I'm not sure what to tell you. :( I don't think I'd go to the reception without going to the ceremony unless there was a REALLY good reason (like you're switching off babysitting with someone who'll be at the ceremony but not the reception).
Posted by montanabounding[/QUOTE]

I think the bolded part is also a really stupid reason not to attend someone's wedding. You can't attend the wedding of someone who doesn't share your beliefs? I have yet to attend a ceremony where they try and convert people... How kind of you to make an exception for your best friend who asked you to be there.

NicoleSahara · June 2012

And to answer the OP, yes I think it's rude to skip the ceremony to save an extra hour of babysitting.

abbitha7 · June 2012

My FI and I accidentally skipped a wedding ceremony once because we got lost on the way there (it was OOT for us). We did make it to the reception. The bride and groom didn't even notice that we had missed the wedding. Just my experience, though I wouldn't intentionally not go to the ceremony.

aragx6 · June 2012

I agree Nicole. I go to a lot of religious ceremonies and they're not my favorite thing in the wolrd, but you sit there quietly until it's over. It doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me.

jemmini6 · June 2012

I think it's rude if you don't go just because you 'just don't want to'. But if you have a legit reason or difficulty, then it's fine (well, not 'fine', but not 'rude' either). If you can't afford the baby sitter for the extra 30 min, then you gotta do what you gotta do, but if you choose to blow it off because it's 'just the ceremony' and want to save the money anyways, then I think it's kind of rude...even then though, the B&G aren't likely to notice your absence.

And although two rudes don't make a right, I would probably skip the ceremony if there was a huge gap in time or distance.

aragx6 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-you-think-its-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:de74f452-02ce-4934-a86d-c3c791cad000Post:a6b03277-d3d5-4ccb-b709-afdedbc841a2">Re: Do you think it's rude...</a>:
[QUOTE]And to answer the OP, yes I think it's rude to skip the ceremony to save an extra hour of babysitting.
Posted by NicoleSahara[/QUOTE]

But that's not what she said. She said it was easier to get a babysitter. If it's about 1 hour of babysitting that's one thing, but if their regular babysitter, whom they trust, can't be there until later then I get that.

NicoleSahara · June 2012

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[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Do you think it's rude... : But that's not what she said. She said it was easier to get a babysitter. If it's about 1 hour of babysitting that's one thing, but if their regular babysitter, whom they trust, can't be there until later then I get that.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

Agreed. I can't tell what she means from her original post. I had a couple friends who told me ahead of time they couldn't make it to the ceremony because of work but would stop by at the reception and I didn't think that was rude.

lyndausvi · June 2012

I honestly don't have a problem with it. My uncle and cousin both sold cars and had to work on Saturdays. They always missed the ceremony and attended the reception so they didn't have to take off work.. I never thought twice about it. Sometimes things come up. Work, babysitters, whatever?

For my own wedding I only cared about people not showing up for the reception That is where the money was going and that is where I actually got to socialize with them. I didn't care if they witnessed the ceremony or not. It's not like I knew anyway.

I honestly did invite my guests to have free food, booze and celebrate with us. They all came from OOT because they loved us not just to get free stuff.

daffydillie · June 2012

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[QUOTE]I honestly don't have a problem with it. My uncle and cousin both sold cars and had to work on Saturdays. They always missed the ceremony and attended the reception so they didn't have to take off work.. I never thought twice about it. Sometimes things come up. Work, babysitters, whatever? For my own wedding I only cared about people not showing up for the reception That is where the money was going and that is where I actually got to socialize with them. I didn't care if they witnessed the ceremony or not. It's not like I knew anyway. I honestly did invite my guests to have free food, booze and celebrate with us. They all came from OOT because they loved us not just to get free stuff.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

I agree with this.

Fi and I are having a Christian wedding in a denomination different than our parents/families. There appears to be an uproar about that, and its a pretty long ceremony of almost an hour. I fully anticipate people to skip the ceremony and arrive around cocktail hour. I would be surprised if more than 20 people came to the wedding.

Mrs.B6302007 · June 2012

If you're trying to save a few bucks on child care then yeah, it's rude to skip the ceremony but be available to eat on their dime.

montanabounding · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-you-think-its-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:de74f452-02ce-4934-a86d-c3c791cad000Post:c047eff8-a49e-4841-a779-d5affd65643f">Re: Do you think it's rude...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Do you think it's rude... : I think the bolded part is also a really stupid reason not to attend someone's wedding. You can't attend the wedding of someone who doesn't share your beliefs? I have yet to attend a ceremony where they try and convert people... How kind of you to make an exception for your best friend who asked you to be there.
Posted by NicoleSahara[/QUOTE]

That's a bit snippy. Perhaps I'm different, but I wouldn't be offended (if I were having a religious wedding) if those I knew declined to come to a Jewish wedding ceremony, or if those who are very religious declined to come to a civil ceremony. It's their choice, and it won't stop me from marrying in the religion (or lack thereof) I choose. My best friend is only person recently who've gotten married, really - all other people I've known who've gotten married have been on the friend/acquaintance line, so I've congratulated them and gone about my business.

Actually, the request, IIRC, was that my child be there, as he wouldn't be at the reception and she hadn't gotten to see him in the hubbub. I was there to support her. That went without question - we've been friends for long enough.

And as far as the bit I bolded, Touchy Feely Huggy Yay God Churches are uncomfortable for those who are not even close to that persuasion.

michellesean · June 2012

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[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Do you think it's rude... : That's really rude. You can't invite people to part of the event. They need to be invited to the whole thing. OP, I do think it's rude to skip the ceremony and go to the reception, unless there's a good reason to do so. Not wanting to pay a babysitter seems like a pretty crappy reason to me.
Posted by adamar15[/QUOTE]

I think what she meant is that she was sending 2 RSVP cards in her invites so that people have the option of going to one or to both. Thats a great way to give your guests options and then you know how many will be at each. I'm sure most will go to both, but there might be a few people who can't make it to the ceremony.

starrynight84 · June 2012

My feelings would be hurt if you skipped my ceremony but came to my reception, unless you have a legitimate conflict (work, scheduled plans, babysitter CAN'T get there until that time, etc). It would make me feel like you didn't really care about my actual wedding and just wanted the free food and drink.

If the babysitter can't get there in time, just apologize and explain that to your friend in advance. Things happen. If the babysitter can get there and you just don't feel like paying, you're being unkind IMO.

Summer2011Bride · June 2012

OP, I really think it depends on the reason. I can't tell what you mean by your OP. Is your trusted sitter unavailable during the ceremony time and you can't find another or do you just not want to pay for the extra time? If it's the latter, I think that's kind of crappy for reasons others have listed.

I think if you have a legit reason to miss the ceremony, it's fine. A good friend had to work the Sat. of our wedding; he absolutely could not switch shifts or get out of it. He asked if it was OK if he just came late to the reception and we said yes because we'd rather have him there for part of it than none of it. However, that's a different circumstance. I really think it's case by case basis.

And I do not understand not attending a wedding because of their religion. You don't have to agree with the religion or convert to it yourself. I am not Catholic but have gone to Catholic weddings because I wanted to witness friends get married. OP I know you didn't say this; it's in response to someone else.

Mrs.B6302007 · June 2012

I'm guessing that with her wedding next month, someone has told OP they won't make it to the ceremony b/c of child care.

jemmini6 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-you-think-its-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:de74f452-02ce-4934-a86d-c3c791cad000Post:6132bb4c-028e-42b4-b380-44c733ce53de">Re: Do you think it's rude...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Do you think it's rude... : That's a bit snippy. Perhaps I'm different, but I wouldn't be offended (if I were having a religious wedding) if those I knew declined to come to a Jewish wedding ceremony, or if those who are very religious declined to come to a civil ceremony. It's their choice, and it won't stop me from marrying in the religion (or lack thereof) I choose. My best friend is only person recently who've gotten married, really - all other people I've known who've gotten married have been on the friend/acquaintance line, so I've congratulated them and gone about my business. Actually, the request, IIRC, was that my child be there, as he wouldn't be at the reception and she hadn't gotten to see him in the hubbub. I was there to support her. That went without question - we've been friends for long enough. And as far as the bit I bolded, Touchy Feely Huggy Yay God Churches are uncomfortable for those who are not even close to that persuasion.
Posted by montanabounding[/QUOTE]

Unless the religion you practice forbids you from attending other denominations (I think Jehovas witness does this), or the religion that the B&G practice forbids non-members from attending (Mormon temple weddings), I think using religion as an excuse to not attend a ceremony is pretty shitty.

Of course, you are right, it's well within your right to not support any religions you don't agree with, as it is everyone else's, but I'd be pretty hurt if one of my closest friends told me they wouldn't come to my wedding ceremony because they don't like my religion....

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