Flakey bridesmaid

arthomas82 · March 2010

One of my bridesmaids is flying from out of state for my wedding in November. Suddenly she is having "foot surgery" the week before the wedding and has said that she "MIGHT not be able to come out". I understand that its 8 months away, but I really need to know so that I can find another bridesmaid if need be. At what point should I tell her that I absolutely have to know??

stina93446 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_flakey-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:76388a09-f531-4596-92b3-852a5f9ab54dPost:e8a84c3b-9216-4046-9db8-98d0fbdab4b5">Flakey bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]One of my bridesmaids is flying from out of state for my wedding in November. Suddenly she is having "foot surgery" the week before the wedding and has said that she "MIGHT not be able to come out". I understand that its 8 months away, but I really need to know so that I can find another bridesmaid if need be. At what point should I tell her that I absolutely have to know??
Posted by arthomas82[/QUOTE]
Why do you need to know? Do not replace her. It's an insult to be kicked out and replaced. Also, the girl you ask to replace previous bm will feel like second string.

mbcdefg · March 2010

Why is "foot surgery" in quotes? Do you think she's lying to you? Unless there's an important backstory here, surgery doesn't mean she's being flakey.

You need to know if she's coming so you can cancel her bouquet order, her reception meal and her rehearsal dinner meal, and adjust your ceremony program if you are printing one. This stuff can all be done within the last month of planning. Give her the information about the dress and let her order it (or not) on her own time. Don't shop for a thank you gift for her right now ... and if she says she's coming at the last minute, give her a gift card and a heartfelt handwritten note.

You DON'T need to find a replacement bridesmaid. That's incredibly insulting to her, the replacement girl, and your other bridesmaids, because it sends the message (whether you intend it this way or not) that you are just interested in having a certain number of people up there with you, rather than your dearest friends.It would be very rude to say to someone, "You weren't good enough to make the cut in the first draft, but now that my first-choice bridesmaid has dropped out, you're good enough to be her understudy."

If this girl cannot make it, then just go on with whoever you have left. If the sides are uneven, one bridesmaid can be escorted by two groomsmen. Not a big deal by any means.

gottahavashorti · March 2010

She's not being flakey, the poor woman is having surgery! Whether she can come will probably depend on how her recovery is going and she may not know that until a few days before the wedding, even if it's a minor outpatient surgery.

If she's close enough to be your bridesmaid, she shoudln't be replaceable to you. Sides don't have to be even.

Tell her that you love her, that you hope her surgery goes well, and that if she is able to make it to the wedding, her spot is aways available. If you can't tell her these things, it's time to re-evaluate.

arthomas82 · March 2010

You guys are right - I just wanted to know because I was under the impression that there has to be an equal number of bridesmaids and groomsmen. I put "foot surgery" in quotes because I thought it was strange that she would schedule a surgery 8 months out. When it comes to ordering her bouquet and gift that gets challenging if I dont know until the last minute. BUT...you're right, a replacement bridesmaid would be insulting.

CTGirl30 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_flakey-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:76388a09-f531-4596-92b3-852a5f9ab54dPost:e8a84c3b-9216-4046-9db8-98d0fbdab4b5">Flakey bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]One of my bridesmaids is flying from out of state for my wedding in November. Suddenly she is having "foot surgery" the week before the wedding and has said that she "MIGHT not be able to come out". I understand that its 8 months away, but I really need to know so that I can find another bridesmaid if need be. At what point should I tell her that I absolutely have to know??
Posted by arthomas82[/QUOTE]

OK, someone needing to schedule surgery does not = them being a "flaky" bridesmaid. And I'm sure she's not doing this on purpose to have an excuse to not attend your wedding. And she didn't tell you she definately won't be able to attend - she is being a good friend by letting you know 8 months in advance that her medical situation then may preclude her from being able to fly out to be in your wedding.

Secondly, why would you replace her? That's incredibly insulting to both your friend and whomever you ask to be a replacement - she's still your friend so honor her as such and keep her in the program and don't kick her out or replace her with someone else. What message does that send to both her (you are replaceable) and the person you ask to replace her (you weren't good enough to be asked originally but now I need a warm body up there since someone can't make it afterall).

Are you worried about having even numbers if your friend cannot make it? Is that why you want to find a replacement? If that's the case....please realize you don't need matchy sides and if someone cannot be there, then the show goes on. Your marriage will be just as valid. That's sending the message - by replacing people - that you value having an arbitrary number of bodies up there more than you do honoring your good friends' feelings.

Don't tell her "I absolutely need to know if you can make it by X date so I can replace you!" Do you want to lose a friend? Be understanding of the situation - if she has to have surgery, that's no fun and I'm willing to be she didn't choose a date so close to your wedding to spite you. Keep in mind that your wedding is for one day but friendships are for much longer - unless you treat your friends poorly.

gottahavashorti · March 2010

Ditto Stage, go ahead and order them. If she doesn't end up coming, you can always have a vase ready to use it as a reception decoration or give it to your grandmother.

Just a guess, but she may not have had much availability that coincided with the schedule of a surgeon who is covered by her insurance and who she trusts. Some people also have to request their vacation time for the entire year at once, so there's another potential reason to schedule 8 months in advance.

stina93446 · March 2010

If she can't make it, use her bouquet as a tossing bouquet....unless you already get one. You can always put it in a vase and put it at the bar for decorations.

LarissaAnn · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_flakey-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:76388a09-f531-4596-92b3-852a5f9ab54dPost:e8a84c3b-9216-4046-9db8-98d0fbdab4b5">Flakey bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]One of my bridesmaids is flying from out of state for my wedding in November. Suddenly she is having "foot surgery" the week before the wedding and has said that she "MIGHT not be able to come out". I understand that its 8 months away, but I really need to know so that I can find another bridesmaid if need be. At what point should I tell her that I absolutely have to know??
Posted by arthomas82[/QUOTE]
Why is "foot surgery" in quotation marks? You don't believe her? If she's lying, she's not flaky, she's just crappy. On the other hand, if you've got no reason to believe she's lying but are thinking ill of her anyway, <strong>you </strong>aren't being the best of friends.<div>
</div><div>As it is, you'll find out when you find out. You don't need a new bridesmaid, you don't need even sides.</div><div>
</div><div><strong>Bridesmaids are not set decor in your play, people.</strong></div><div><strong>
</strong></div><div>Just wish her a speedy recovery and be done with it.</div>

mbcdefg · March 2010

Uneven sides are not mandatory.

The only things you "have" to do for a wedding are to get the license and have a legal officiant and however many witnesses your state requires. And if you choose to invite guests to your wedding, you are obligated to seat, feed and entertain them (background music and greet them to thank them for coming).

Beyond that, it's your call. If you want one bridesmaid and he wants 10 groomsmen and his sister and his dog, that's fine. If you want to wear a red cocktail dress instead of a white gown, fine. If you want to serve pizza instead of a chicken dinner, fine. As long as you are nice to people, and make sure they're comfortable and appropriately fed, you can do anything else you want!

AutumnFair · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_flakey-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:76388a09-f531-4596-92b3-852a5f9ab54dPost:ec0d50ce-cc64-4a3e-b9c8-022744c88a8e">Re: Flakey bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE] Just a guess, but she may not have had much availability that coincided with the schedule of a surgeon who is covered by her insurance and who she trusts. Some people also have to request their vacation time for the entire year at once, so there's another potential reason to schedule 8 months in advance.
Posted by gottahavashorti[/QUOTE]

<div>^^ This is the most likely reason. My mom just had replacement knee surgery and it took her a number of months to make sure any doctors (ex. anesthesiologist) were in her PPO and when they were available in the time frame she could get off work.</div><div>
</div><div>The ladies gave sound advice, use it and I'm sure it will make your friendship stronger.</div>

bablingbrooke · March 2010

It's not at all uncommon to schedule non-emergency surgery a long way out, especially if your insurance has limits like time, location or hospital.

aerinpegadrak · March 2010

Hell, we're already planning on using all of the bridesmaid bouquets to decorate the reception, it's less work for me since I'm making them all. It's a nice way to cut costs anyway, and if you do that, it doesn't matter whether she shows up or not, because her bouquet would be going to one of those empty vases regardless.

Take it easy on her, even minor surgeries can be scary. One of my BMs was having surgery on her carpal tunnel and she flat-lined on the table. It sucks that it might complicate things for her wedding, but be a friend and be there for her.

krmabojo · March 2010

1. Foot Surgery can be sudden. Her health is more important that your wedding.

2. No you do not replace her, that is a smack in the face. What if at last minutes she still can come? Then you have to tell the other person in her place "nevermind!"

3. Uneven sides is okay.

4. RELAX. This is no big deal. It is not like your FI cannot come.

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