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I feel like a bad wife.

lmeade62lmeade62
100 Comments
in Catholic Weddings
Yes, we're newlyweds but I'm 49 and he's 53 and we're both kind of set in our ways. One of the things I yearn for most in the winter is a nice, hot bath at the end of the day. It gets me warm when just about nothing else does. Well, it's winter of course, and we are on a shared well system with our water, which means the tank that holds our water is in the cold air, which means the water is much colder going into our hot water heater...which means there's a whole lot less hot water than usual. 

Twice I couldn't have the bath I wanted. Twice we had a big argument about what to do. We both ended up apologizing to each other, but I keep doing the same thing...I don't hear his suggestions out, I think he's saying he doesn't care (when I know darned good and well he does), and a perfectly nice evening ends up with both us stressed and tired. We only get to see each other about 60% of the time anyway. and the last thing I want to do when we are together is argue. Neither of us wants that.

I have books and books and books and dang it, I TEACH a relationship class at the facility where I work, but in the moment, it's so hard to practice what I preach! Then I panic and over-react and think the slightest little argument means that we are hopelessly doomed.

One time I was very very upset with him over something stupid, but I didn't want to go down the old path. I prayed and prayed for the grace to be pleasant to him when he called, and when I heard his voice, all my resentment melted. How do I help myself do this more and over-react less??? 

Okay, experienced married "hags"...LOL...need your words of wisdom!!

TIA,

Linda
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Re: I feel like a bad wife.

  • COSmittyCOSmitty
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    So not sure what kind of tub you have... I used to boil water on my stove in big pots, put water in the bath from the taps, mix in the boiling (or at least hot water) from the stove and call it a nice relaxing time. Basically the tub used to soak the heat out of the hot water. Other variation was to put the boiling water in, run the water 1/3 cold 2/3 hot... the boiling water took the heat out of the old tub and the mostly hot water filled up the tub (Slower = more hot water as hot water heated it up continuously).

    As for relationship advice... deep breaths and time outs plus a post explaining of feelings.

    Good luck on the baths and relationship ;-)
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  • bibliophile2010bibliophile2010 member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    You need to be less hard on yourself! Don't expect yourself to be perfect or to change overnight. Take steps toward improving your behavior/reactions instead. Think of all your relationship training and advice. I'm sure if you were working with yourselves as a couple, you would not expect yourselves to change at the drop of a hat! Pick one communication skill/technique and work on applying it. When you're good at it, add another.

    I would recommend talking about the bath situation sometime when it's not the moment --  a weekend morning or somethng like that. When you're not feeling upset (and probably irrational because of it), and he's not feeling bad because you're upset (and probably getting defensive because of it), you are both more likely to come up with solutions.
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  • Calypso1977Calypso1977 member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    linda, you arent a bad wife.

    and i know just how you feel!  2 people set in their ways is a tough merge - at least it was for us.  we were 31 and 34 when we started sharing space, and i thought id never make it.  we'd each lived alone for over 10 years.  it was a HUGE adjustment.

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  • DeannaCWDeannaCW member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    My grandma used to have well water for her house in an above-ground tank.  the difference was, the last decade or so she was there, there wasnt' a whole lot of water falling, so we couldnt' even run the water long enough for it to get hot! The solution? Like above, it was boiling water on the stove and pouring it in the bath. It works wonders, and saves lots of water too.
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  • lmeade62lmeade62
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thanks, gals...all of this advice, about the hot water and the working through things and getting used to each other, is GREATLY appreciated!!! Feel very blessed to have this place to come to... Linda
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