Penny pinching father...a rant of sorts

browneydgrl · April 2011

and he's not even paying for the wedding! My fiance and I are paying for everything because a) almost everyone in my family is out of work and looking for a job, and b) the idea that my father would pay for my wedding is and always has been laughable. We are just not that type of family. I mean, I love him and he loves me, but I was the boy he never had...(think thou shalt not cry or shop).

So even though he likes my fiance, he has been nothing but a rain cloud since the engagement occurred. My sister told him I bought a dress recently and this is all he had to say: Why are you wasting money on dresses when you have a car payment? On the venue: Why don't you just have it in your uncle's back yard? He basically thinks the whole this is a waste of money and we should put it off until we are swimming in dough (and who ever is?) If I don't like any of his "great ideas" he thinks I'm unreasonable and looking for ways to waste money.

My biggest concern is that he'll ruin my wedding day because all he will say are comments like, "How much did those flowers cost? I think you're making a big mistake blowing all this money" (and we're trying the keep the wedding around ten thousand!). Argh. I want to just not invite him; he ruins what should be happy fun plan-making time. I wouldn't resent him for not shelling out but I do resent him for putting a negative spin on it.

artbyallie · April 2011

If you can afford the wedding you're having (i.e. no loans or credit cards that won't be paid off immediately), then just ignore him. Don't talk to him about the wedding; just send him an invitation and leave it at that. If he does bring it up on the wedding day (which I doubt), change the subject. "Isn't everything just beautiful?" "I'm so happy with how things turned out."

Rysbride12 · April 2011

I can TOTALLY relate to what you are saying here. My stepfather (who by the way raised me since I was 5) he origionally offered what we thought would be a large amount of money to help with expenses. In the end he ended up cutting down his initial offer to about 80% less of the original amount. He seems to think I am wanting to do some kind of princess dream wedding, when I have done nothing but find the least expensive venue. He too suggested a back yard wedding somewhere because "in his time, that's what people did". All my fiance and I were asking him and my mom to pay for was the reception and my stepfather is making my mom use her personal savings to pay for the majority of the reception and I feel really bad about that even though she is more than happy to help. He has a ridiculous amount of money in the bank and he is one of those people who will die with all of it still in the bank because he too is a penny pincher.

*Barbie* · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_penny-pinching-fathera-rant-of-sorts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:1f1f6f51-da69-4561-9322-3d7d171f0b2bPost:620040ab-85fa-4658-ace4-36692fbd5a34">Re: Penny pinching father...a rant of sorts</a>:
[QUOTE]I can TOTALLY relate to what you are saying here. My stepfather (who by the way raised me since I was 5) he origionally offered what we thought would be a large amount of money to help with expenses. In the end he ended up cutting down his initial offer to about 80% less of the original amount. He seems to think I am wanting to do some kind of princess dream wedding, when I have done nothing but find the least expensive venue. He too suggested a back yard wedding somewhere because "in his time, that's what people did". All my fiance and I were asking him and my mom to pay for was the reception and my stepfather is making my mom use her personal savings to pay for the majority of the reception and I feel really bad about that even though she is more than happy to help. He has a ridiculous amount of money in the bank and he is one of those people who will die with all of it still in the bank because he too is a penny pincher.
Posted by Rysbride12[/QUOTE]

oh, is that ALL you're asking for? why not pay for it yourselves and let them offer to pay for something as a gift if they *really* want to help.

you obviously don't feel bad enough to pay for your own wedding.

Rysbride12 · April 2011

Wow, that was a little harsh. Maybe I had that coming? I am not trying to sound ungrateful. If you too are planning a wedding, you know how important your budget number is and when you plan for one budget and it winds up being one that wont even cover a deposit (in a one dollar sign reception site) that's a little disturbing. Perhaps I should have mentioned that I intend on paying my mother back as much of her part of it as possible because I feel bad. Maybe that would have made me look like less of an ogre? Oh and also, I wanted to elope (and at times still do)but they wanted me to have a wedding. Still an ogre?

Paulo's Menina Bela · April 2011

If they don't want you to elope and are offering to contribute so you can have a wedding, that's different. It not okay to ask or expect anyone to contribute otherwise. Really, if you feel so bad, then don't take the money. Either scale back or wait until you can afford a wedding on your own.

GBCK · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_penny-pinching-fathera-rant-of-sorts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:1f1f6f51-da69-4561-9322-3d7d171f0b2bPost:a5c045b6-b157-47f5-a04b-0378d8cd3e3e">Re: Penny pinching father...a rant of sorts</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, that was a little harsh. Maybe I had that coming? I am not trying to sound ungrateful. If you too are planning a wedding, you know how important your budget number is and when you plan for one budget and it winds up being one that wont even cover a deposit (in a one dollar sign reception site) that's a little disturbing. Perhaps I should have mentioned that I intend on paying my mother back as much of her part of it as possible because I feel bad. Maybe that would have made me look like less of an ogre? Oh and also, I wanted to elope (and at times still do)but they wanted me to have a wedding. Still an ogre?
Posted by Rysbride12[/QUOTE]
Yup, you had that coming.

Look, you don't have to be an ogre to still sound like youi're incredibly ungrateful.
You're taking their money, that means the do actually get some say.
It does sound like your dad is being obnoxious about it but...well, it's doubtful that your dad went to bed one day last week and woke up being passive-agressive-penny-pinching-alter-ego, no? So, this is a normal part of how he is--how do you NORMALLY deal w/ that and why won't that work?

hmonkey · April 2011

rysbride, i had a nice long response typed out, but why bother? you are an ogre and won't read it.

JayAre · April 2011

Guys, chill out! Geez!

I do think it's presumptuous to ask for your parents to pay for the whole reception, but that isn't my business if the parents are fine with it and they're gonna be paid back and stuff. But I have to say - in nicer ways than the rest of you had - that if I could not pay for my own reception, I would look for other venues, just on principle, because especially in this economy, you don't wanna go into debt if you can help it. And also, I feel better knowing that it's my money that I'm seeing the fruit of - worked for the money at my job, set it aside, and paid for my stuff.

But just as a note to EVERYONE HERE: I might, and you might, be an exception, but most new couples are not that great yet with managing money. That is what they learn about together during the first year. So cut people some slack, yeah we can all say "pay for it yourself" but how easy is money to come by if you don't have your own job or were not raised to pracicing saving money? Not that I am saying brides dont have jobs, but for example, I had 5,000 dollars saved for who knows what just because I was raised since 11 years old to "save your money for an emergency" - and yeah, turns out that money is going to pay for my wedding, along with what I have been able to save up from my job during my engagement period. Not everyone has that, and actually I have found that most people who find out I am paying for 90% of the wedding think it's heck weird, and why aren't my parents doing it. But I think it's a better principle to save up and pay yourself than to borrow or beg, that's why my parents aren't paying for it. And if I had NOT saved that booster 5000 dollars, forget me having any wedding, because my parents could not pay for half of what I am paying for. So everyone just relax.

jess9802 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_penny-pinching-fathera-rant-of-sorts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:1f1f6f51-da69-4561-9322-3d7d171f0b2bPost:29f56885-923e-4c3a-816d-cfd4edb2a033">Penny pinching father...a rant of sorts</a>:
[QUOTE]and he's not even paying for the wedding! My fiance and I are paying for everything because a) almost everyone in my family is out of work and looking for a job, and b) the idea that my father would pay for my wedding is and always has been laughable. We are just not that type of family. I mean, I love him and he loves me, but I was the boy he never had...(think thou shalt not cry or shop). So even though he likes my fiance, he has been nothing but a rain cloud since the engagement occurred. My sister told him I bought a dress recently and this is all he had to say: Why are you wasting money on dresses when you have a car payment? On the venue: Why don't you just have it in your uncle's back yard? He basically thinks the whole this is a waste of money and we should put it off until we are swimming in dough (and who ever is?) If I don't like any of his "great ideas" he thinks I'm unreasonable and looking for ways to waste money. My biggest concern is that he'll ruin my wedding day because all he will say are comments like, "How much did those flowers cost? I think you're making a big mistake blowing all this money" (and we're trying the keep the wedding around ten thousand!). Argh. I want to just not invite him; he ruins what should be happy fun plan-making time. I wouldn't resent him for not shelling out but I do resent him for putting a negative spin on it.
Posted by browneydgrl[/QUOTE]

The way I see it, you have a couple of options. One, quit talking about the wedding with your father. If he brings something up, say, "I'll consider that" or "I'll think about it." Then change the subject. Two, the next time he says something that hurts your feelings, say, "Dad, I've put a lot of thought, time, and effort into the wedding and FI are happy and excited about what we've planned so far. It hurts my feelings when you criticize our decisions, and I'd appreciate it you could jkeep those comments to yourself. We are adults and we are comfortable with the financial decisions we are making together."

Penny pinching father...a rant of sorts

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