Kind of sad.

RachNRich · February 2010

It's certainly no surprise that I don't get along with Rich's sister. This past weekend did not go well. At all. I think I've realized I just cannot be around her; it's that bad for me.

The bottom line, I believe, is that she made an awful first, second, third (etc) impression---and when we all acknowledged there was a problem, everyone was insistent upon "owning up to the bad, and moving on." I just am not sure I can--she'll never have a second chance to make a good first impression--and in my mind, she ruined it.

I am at a point where I think because I really dislike her, I will be upset whenever she is around. I'll find fault in the things she says and does (probably even when an innocent bystander wouldn't). I'm going to try and see a therapist to talk things out--but, I've been down that road already---and the advice I received did not help.

Is there something you guys can see that I am missing? Is there something I should be doing that I am not? I'm less than 3 weeks from getting married---and I'm afraid to go to my own wedding because his sister will be there, and the thought of being around her makes me literally sick to my stomach. This = not good.

crfische · February 2010

EEEWWWW... Remind me why she's the scum of the earth again?

squirrly · February 2010

Being afraid of your own wedding because she'll be there is a pretty drastic reaction to her. There are people I don't like who I wouldn't want present but could easily ignore if they were present.

Is this a normal thing for you? Bad impression leaves this strong a distaste for you? It feels like it's something more to me.

Nebb · February 2010

I would suggest you be civil to her at the wedding but do what you can to distance yourself and have your MOH (bm, whatever) help you out and pull you away if she gets too close and act as a buffer. After that, therapy might help. You dont HAVE to be friends, its not a requirement.

MeaghanandMichael · February 2010

Rach, I am so sorry this is weighing on you right now. Believe me though, I felt the EXACT same way about my MIL and on the day I wasn't even phased to see her there and take pics with her etc. I promise you are going to be so in the zone on that day none of this will matter

RachNRich · February 2010

First impressions: She wasn't happy her brother was in a relationship--insofar as, if I was in the room--she wouldn't be. I could tell that my being around during our first Christmas together made her mad (she avoided family dinners, spent a lot of time in her room, and would only talk to Rich "alone"). She was not happy to hear we got engaged. On our first "family" trip together (I joined him on a summer trip to meet his extended family for the first time), she refused to be in a group picture because I was in it---and declined the traditional family dinner because I was there.

She made it obvious I wasn't wanted around. I feel the tables have turned, and I'm responding the same way. I cannot want to be around someone who so clearly did not want me around to begin with---in my head, it's all well and great that everyone else has "moved on," but there was a reason she didn't like me to begin with.

Every time she is town, my behavior is monitored. How I respond to questions, how I act---everything. For instance, this last trip? I didn't ask her about her job---so, I was told that I wasn't showing enough interest in her--which means I'm making her feel unwelcome.

ThePinkSuperhero · February 2010

To me, your post seems full of things you have decided- you have decided her first imperssion sucked, you have decided you'll never be happy around her, you have decided to hold onto this grudge. I'm not saying you have to learn to love the woman or like being around her, but you have to figure out how to let go of as much of the anger as you can, because resentment is like taking poison and waiting for someone else to die. It's toxic and it will hurt you and probably your marriage, too. What does Rich think about all this?

RachNRich · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kind-of-sad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:95ce3442-daf8-4bf9-92df-69388872a0e3Post:f6483861-b3f5-44fa-90d4-ec86da039fbe">Re: Kind of sad.</a>:
[QUOTE]Being afraid of your own wedding because she'll be there is a pretty drastic reaction to her. There are people I don't like who I wouldn't want present but could easily ignore if they were present. <strong>Is this a normal thing for you?</strong> Bad impression leaves this strong a distaste for you? It feels like it's something more to me.
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

<div>No!! It's not at all normal for me, which is why I am having such a hard time with it. I've never had an issue with people not liking me or me greatly disliking them. Ever. My whole reaction to it is just so foreign to me....</div>

crfische · February 2010

Have you talked to HER about it?

MeaghanandMichael · February 2010

Every time she is town, my behavior is monitored. How I respond to questions, how I act---everything. For instance, this last trip? I didn't ask her about her job---so, I was told that I wasn't showing enough interest in her--which means I'm making her feel unwelcome.

This is just BS. As long as you are smiling, being polite, asking her some questions and not poisoning her food, you are more than allowed to be yourself. Did Rich say you were doing this, or did twatface?

Nebb · February 2010

Doesnt she complain about you, after the fact, to rich and never directly to you, or am I thinking of something else?

aMrsin09 · February 2010

How old is this bag-o-fun?

pinkpinot · February 2010

Hahaha @ twatface.

Do you know if she ever treated any of Rich's other girlfriends this way? Maybe it's not you, but her? She sounds creepily attached to her brother.

vallyhoo · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kind-of-sad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:95ce3442-daf8-4bf9-92df-69388872a0e3Post:3a0c3f41-69a5-4378-b687-2f357bdb4c83">Re: Kind of sad.</a>:
[QUOTE]First impressions: She wasn't happy her brother was in a relationship--insofar as, if I was in the room--she wouldn't be. I could tell that my being around during our first Christmas together made her mad (she avoided family dinners, spent a lot of time in her room, and would only talk to Rich "alone"). She was not happy to hear we got engaged. On our first "family" trip together (I joined him on a summer trip to meet his extended family for the first time), <strong>she refused to be in a group picture because I was in it---and declined the traditional family dinner because I was there. </strong>She made it obvious I wasn't wanted around.
Posted by RachNRich[/QUOTE]

This behavior is ridiculous. No one said anything to her about this?

crfische · February 2010

Or hasn't Rich said something?

If Scott's brother treated me like that, Scott would be saying something. Fo to the Sho.

jasmineh7777 · February 2010

I think Rich needs to make it clear to his sister and his family that is it not your job to make her feel like you are interested. Really, you're not interested in her life. You shouldn't be expected to be. Be civil, and as long as you aren't starting fightings, etc. that is all that should be expected of you. Seriously, she is a grown woman. It should not be on you to make her feel important.

RachNRich · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kind-of-sad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:95ce3442-daf8-4bf9-92df-69388872a0e3Post:030e96d3-303f-4cc0-b52f-fbd92e723ce6">Re: Kind of sad.</a>:
[QUOTE]To me, your post seems full of things you have decided- you have decided her first imperssion sucked, you have decided you'll never be happy around her, you have decided to hold onto this grudge. I'm not saying you have to learn to love the woman or like being around her, but you have to figure out how to let go of as much of the anger as you can, because resentment is like taking poison and waiting for someone else to die. It's toxic and it will hurt you and probably your marriage, too. <strong>What does Rich think about all this?
</strong>Posted by ThePinkSuperhero[/QUOTE]

<div>I think he thinks just about what you said. That I've resigned myself to not being able to get past my dislike/hurt/etc---not so much that I can't, but that I won't. </div><div>
</div><div>I am not trying to be worst-case-scenario, but I feel stuck--and not sure how I'll get out of this feeling; where I am at right now feels very hopeless.</div><div>
</div><div>I know I don't have to be her best friend, love her, etc---I just don't know how to get to a good place.</div><div>
</div>

louisvillebride21 · February 2010

Your reactions to her seem so dramatic. I know easier said than done, but you just can't let her get to you like this. So you don't like her...and? You just have to be civil to her, you don't have to be best friends. You can't let someone scare you out of your own wedding day. There are going to be other people there. It wont be like it is this weekend with just you and rich and her. There will be other buffers around. After the wedding, just make it a point to no be around when she is. So what if she knows you don't like her. Just let her know point blank that she makes you uncomfortable, so you are going to give her and rich space. The only thing I'm worried about is her making a scene at the wedding because she and rich are so close. But hopefully he will actually stick up for you this time. Considering it's your wedding day and all.

shellydiane820 · February 2010

I would talk to her. i know its easier said than done, but maybe once you two get the grievances out there, it will be easier to tolerate each other.

From your point of view, she seems awful, but how does she view you? Are you equally as terrible?

J&K10910 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kind-of-sad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:95ce3442-daf8-4bf9-92df-69388872a0e3Post:1f67f463-9790-453c-9ea3-1d2c5633e5b3">Re: Kind of sad.</a>:
[QUOTE]Hahaha @ twatface. Do you know if she ever treated any of Rich's other girlfriends this way? Maybe it's not you, but her? She sounds creepily attached to her brother.
Posted by pinkpinot[/QUOTE]

Even if it IS her, Rach still has to deal with it. As does the entire family.

Rach, am I getting the right impression that she's shaped up a little bit but you're having a hard time letting go of the past (I would too) and being nice? Or is she still acting like a huge biatch? I don't think it's fair to expect you to be super FSIL if she's still acting like she has a stick the size of Texas up her ass, but if she's started acting better, I think it's time to just fake it. For the sake of everyone (including yourself!).

vallyhoo · February 2010

Honestly with everything that you've said about her, I am surprised to hear that she will be going to the wedding. Isn't it a DW?

betrothed123 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kind-of-sad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:95ce3442-daf8-4bf9-92df-69388872a0e3Post:030e96d3-303f-4cc0-b52f-fbd92e723ce6">Re: Kind of sad.</a>:
[QUOTE]To me, your post seems full of things you have decided- you have decided her first imperssion sucked, you have decided you'll never be happy around her, you have decided to hold onto this grudge. I'm not saying you have to learn to love the woman or like being around her, but you have to figure out how to let go of as much of the anger as you can, because resentment is like taking poison and waiting for someone else to die. It's toxic and it will hurt you and probably your marriage, too. What does Rich think about all this?
Posted by ThePinkSuperhero[/QUOTE]
This is what I was thinking.

Rach-remember you can't control her actions. You can only control your reactions. You're choosing to let the things she does get to you, and completely take control over you. You need to stop that.

The fact that your actions need to be monitored when she is around tells me you've had some over the top reactions to her. That's completely within your control, and you need to monitor your own interactions with her.

Seriously consider this question, and answer it honestly (although you don't have to answer here, just think about the honest answer): Is there anything she could do right now that wouldn't piss you off? Even something positive? Or would you always be looking for ulterior motives for the things she does?

pinkpinot · February 2010

My sister dated a horrible tool bag for 7 years and nobody in my family treated him with disrespect. He deserved to be treated like dog poop and we all knew it. I can't believe his family wouldn't correct her behavior. How old is she? What a brat.

J&K10910 · February 2010

I totally agree with Fishy that Rich should be saying something to her--but for some reason I remember you saying that he feels like you're not trying hard enough. DId I make that up?

squirrly · February 2010

If she's the complainer, I'd ignore her or tell her to get out of my face about stuff. If it's Rich. . . then that's where I think the problem/resentment lies, most likely. You're afraid to upset him and can't find a way to not have that happen, so you just don't want to be around her.

I hate to say it, but if he's the complainer - I think you need to fix the problem with HIM, not his sister. If you're "allowed" to dislike her by Rich, I think it will get better. You should still be civil, but you don't have to be sisterly just because she's his sister.

RachNRich · February 2010

Meag--I try to be polite and respond to her questions--but, I'm not much of a question-asker myself. I suppose that is one of my faults...but, I think I'm like that with everyone. I don't like busting out of the gate with 1,000 questions--I like conversations to be more organic, and not some generic "So, watched any good movies lately?"

Nebb--I don't know what she says, if anything. Rich doesn't really tell me--only mentions things if it fits, which would lead me to believe there is more discussion about me, just discussion I'll never know about.

aMrs--38

I don't think Rich stands up for me because he thinks I am in the wrong. He's explained that everyone else is "over" how things went initially, he's told her he thought she was rude to me initially--and that's it. I'm the one who continues to make things bad by withdrawing when she comes to town, ergo--I'm the one who needs to shape up or ship out. It's a pretty big order to fill.

[Deleted User] · February 2010

so after actively snubbing you, she expects you to be ever-so-interested in her life and she's trying to force some kind of relationship with you? that's bizarre. i wonder if there's some weirdness in her relationship with rich. kind of like parker's h's relationship with his mother. are you getting that kind of vibe at all? maybe that's why you're so freaked out.

jasmineh7777 · February 2010

So is Rich expecting you to be friends with her?
And she's acting this way at 38 years old?
If I were in this situation, I would just tell FI that I will be pleasant, but I will not have a close relationship with her. Really, that is all he should expect.

RachNRich · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kind-of-sad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:95ce3442-daf8-4bf9-92df-69388872a0e3Post:4168681c-0b47-4b0a-b391-3cc93f688283">Re: Kind of sad.</a>:
[QUOTE]Have you talked to HER about it?
Posted by crfische[/QUOTE]

<div>Yes. We talked on the one family vacation a few years ago, and it went horribly wrong. I walked away from the discussion having been told I had made her feel uncomfortable and not wanted because I didn't understand the requests she kept making for "alone time" with her brother (alone time: leaving me for hours on end, sitting in a beach house, in a strange city, with people I just me---very unnerving for me). </div><div>
</div><div>I've tried to talk through emails since---but, she always sends my emails to Rich. So, I'll send her an email saying I want to talk---she forwards it to Rich and asks him what she should say in response to me. When I found out this was happening (he told me), I sent another email to her asking for us to be adult enough to deal with it on our own; Rich didn't need to fight our battles for us. She sent that email to him too. I've tried to call, but she doesn't return my calls. So, when she does come out---there's an elephant in the room. Issues that have never been hashed out---but, it seems like everyone else is on the page where they just want to forget them, and move on. </div>

Nebb · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kind-of-sad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:95ce3442-daf8-4bf9-92df-69388872a0e3Post:4b313662-0303-4dec-b557-2bf592d0cdd2">Re: Kind of sad.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Kind of sad. : Yes. We talked on the one family vacation a few years ago, and it went horribly wrong. I walked away from the discussion having been told I had made her feel uncomfortable and not wanted because I didn't understand the requests she kept making for "alone time" with her brother (alone time: leaving me for hours on end, sitting in a beach house, in a strange city, with people I just me---very unnerving for me). <strong> I've tried to talk through emails since---but, she always sends my emails to Rich. So, I'll send her an email saying I want to talk---she forwards it to Rich and asks him what she should say in response to me. When I found out this was happening (he told me), I sent another email to her asking for us to be adult enough to deal with it on our own; Rich didn't need to fight our battles for us. She sent that email to him too. </strong>I've tried to call, but she doesn't return my calls. So, when she does come out---there's an elephant in the room. Issues that have never been hashed out---but, it seems like everyone else is on the page where they just want to forget them, and move on.
Posted by RachNRich[/QUOTE]
Thats what I was remembering her doing.

pinkpinot · February 2010

Rach I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this on top of your health issues. His sister is a strange bird.

Kind of sad.

Re: Kind of sad.

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