African American Weddings

MY MOTHER DID WHAT?(Long vent)

I'm still in unbelief that my mother did this.  I have two cousins (17 & 19 years old) who wanted to be bridesmaids & have thrown temper tantrum because they're not bridesmaids. they've been making comments like "You're only have 2 bridesmaids? why isn't there a family member in your bridal party".  Anyways, when their parents(my uncle and his wife) asked about my decision to not include them. I gave them the polite answer saying that being a bridesmaid is expensive and I didn't want to put the burden on them. Well my uncle called my mom, complained to her and got my mother to agree to buy the bridesmaid dresses for my cousins.  When mother called and told me, I was honest w/ my mom, I told her that 1. I don't want a big birdal party, 2. I'm not close to my cousins and 3.The cousins are spoiled, immature and I don't want to deal w/ that on my wedding day. My mother said she understood and that she wants me to be happy. Well on monday, she sent me an email, telling me not to be upset but she has purchased 2 bridesmaids dresses and had shipped them directly to my cousins.  My mother insists that I need to do this to keep family peace. But the thing is I have tried to include my cousins, I told them they can be guestbook/gift table attendants, but apparently those roles are beneath them. The wedding is in 3 weeks!  I feel so betrayed by my mother, I haven't talked to her since monday.  I've already compromised by letting one of my cousins be a flower girl even though I wanted my niece to be the only flower girl.  I love my mother and I know she meant well but I'm the bride, she can't add bridesmaids 3 weeks before the wedding. Help!

Re: MY MOTHER DID WHAT?(Long vent)

  • edited December 2011
    Oh my...I don't even know what to say. That is terrible! Your mom is really bold to do something like that, it is YOUR wedding after all, and its your right to choose who you want in your wedding party. If it were me, I wouldn't bend. I would talk it out with my mom, and hope she sees my point of view. If she didn't fine, she would get over it! Is it too late to have UPS or FedEx stop the shipments (cancel the orders) ?...If its too late, let the cousins have the dresses, but they should still be given the tasks you assigned them, which is attendants. So, now they would just be attendants in expensive dresses!Good luck! I hope it works out.
  • adgenyaadgenya member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    "Nope, uh uh, not gonna happen" is what I would say. Your mom needs to call them and tell them that she made a huge mistake and that they are not part of the bridal party. If she refuses, then you should call and tell them that they are not walking down the aisle with you. Honestly, "guestbook attendant" and "gift table attendant" are not really honors to me and seem kind of insulting (i was one growing up and i hated it). Just have them be guests like you initially wanted. I hope this all works out for you and comes with a HUGE apology from mom. Keep us updated.
  • edited December 2011
    The title of this thread is perfect. As pp said, I wouldn't give in. These girls need to know they can't run to daddy for him to grant their wishes...especially when its concerning someone else's business. I'd tell mom, uncle, and the cousins u made the major wedding decisions and that's that. Mom was out of place. Not necessarily for buying the dresses, but in giving them 'permission' to be in your wedding. I'm sorry this divide has happened so close to your wedding. Stand firm in your position. You should only have fond memories of your wedding day. I'd show those cousins who's the boss!
  • blue19violetblue19violet member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Picking my jaw up off of the floor. Your mama gotta lotta cojones right thurrr... To echo everyone else, I would put my foot down. I know she wants to "keep the peace" but your wedding is not a UN sit-down. It's completely disrespectful of her to do what she did - especially after you shared with her your feelings on the matter - and unfair to place you in the position of having to play the bad cop. I agree with the person who suggested that you try to intercept the package before it is delivered. Even if it is, you need to sit everyone down (those selfish girls included) and tell them that your preference is to keep the wedding party as small as it is. Good luck chica.
  • OFFOFF
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    i'm with everyone else on this. I'm so speechless I think I stopped breathing for a moment. I mean really really really? I can't believe your mom did this behind your back, and with only 3 weeks to go! It's your wedding put your foot down preferrably on the backs of your spoiled brat cousins. I would say great they will look real pretty sitting with the rest of the guests because that's where they will be I said no and I meant no. Family peace is not worth people disrespecting your wishes.
  • edited December 2011
    aw man I sooo was in your shoes many many many years ago...my mom sent an invitation to my dad (someone I do not wish to have a relationship with and still do not have a relationship with to this day because of what he said/did at our reception)...she asked me why didn't I invite him to the wedding, I told her why and next thing I know she proceeded to ask FI for an extra invitation because she lost the one she had and she mailed it to my dad...I was furious when I found out but I did not put my foot down and made it a point to contact my dad prior to the wedding to tell him not to come...so he came and showed the f*ck out as I expected he would and to this day I regret not heading off that issue before it even gotten to the point of him actually coming. my point of sharing this story to you is this -- STAND YOUR GROUND WITH YOUR MOM, UNCLE, AUNT and BRATTY COUSINS and tell them that it is YOUR WEDDING and you have already provided them with the choice of (1) being a guest or (2) attendants but they will not be part of your BP - THE END!!!...I truly hope this helps you out and lessen your stress because your mom was wrong and I'm not trying to be disrespectful at all but just stating the fact based on what you've shared with us.  {{{knottie hugg}}}
  • edited December 2011
    all I can say is "wow"
  • edited December 2011
    This is really sad....how could your Mom do that to you. To me its just disrespectful all the way around and seems as though your family doesnt really respect you, or your wedding...well at least that's how I'd feel. I dont really know what to say, other than if that were me and my Mom, I'd surely let it be made known that I am totally disappointed and feel completely disrespected and disgusted by her actions. Why is it so important for these cousins to be in the wedding? You certainly need to stand your ground. I wouldnt put them on the program, or even tell them about rehersal, they can show up looking stupid if they'd like and for all they know, it'll just seem like they are the ones wearing the same dress... Would it be too late to find your other two bridesmaid's new dresses and not say anything to anyone?
  • edited December 2011
    WTF....you need to just put your foot down and tell your mother the are NOT GOING TO BE IN YOUR WEDDING. Thats the bottom line, if she took it upon herself to buy them dresses then that's her own fault. You really need to hold your ground if its important for you to have a small bridal party....Call your moms and those little cousins today and let them know the real....they aren't in the wedding and you don't appreciate the fact that they have forced this situation. Why are they stressin you so much 3 weeks before your wedding? Thats really no ok in my book....GL
    Expecting our 16 year Dating Anniversary baby on 11/11/11! BabyFetus Ticker
  • braxtongirlbraxtongirl member
    Eighth Anniversary 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Oh this takes the cake honey! Stand strong honey, stand strong!
  • MrsJJohnson2BMrsJJohnson2B member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Sending Knottie hugs and strength! I agree with knotties stand your ground! I think talking to everyone will help and if they dont like its you wedding you the Bride
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  • trevette1981trevette1981 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    This is by far, out of control. i heard the myth of mothers taking over weddings, but this is the real deal.PLEASE call all these people and stop it. I guess I just have a big mouth, but this would have been stopped when they called my mom and asking her like she has some say in my wedding. If they decide they want to show up to the wedding and get in the bridesmaid line, get some male cousins up there to show them where to NOT go.I understand peace in the family, but that doesn't mean you have to be a pushover.
  • edited December 2011
    Stand your ground. I agree with everyone else, this is your wedding. Giving in to the whims of others will set a precedence you will not be able to get out of.
  • auntie_fissaauntie_fissa member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for your support ladies. I called my mom and it wasn't going too well. She said it's important that my cousins are happy and adding them to the wedding party won't affect my day at all. I felt that I was not being heard so I hung up.  That's when FI told me to "unleash the inner bridezela"; I called mother back, it wasn't pretty but I stood my ground. I let her know whose wedding it is and reminded her that I'm her daughter and my happiness should be the priority. I told her I understand she cares about her nieces but I felt diserectpected when after I told my cousins no, they went to their father who then went to her and then she made the decision without talking to me about it. Long story short, mother said it's too late to cancel the shipment but she will call my cousins to tell them she made a mistake when she told them they can be bridesmaids. I'll keep you updated.
  • edited December 2011
    Good job...those little heffas can just sit down and enjoy the wedding like everyone else...LOL... I am really glad you stood your ground. I hope your mom sticks to her word and does what she promised..GL and enjoy your wedding day :)
    Expecting our 16 year Dating Anniversary baby on 11/11/11! BabyFetus Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    Good job for standing your ground! It's her mistake and it was not at all what you wanted. Maybe consider after the wedding having a nice long talk with her about "her role" as your mother and what will and wont be tolerated as you and hubs enter into your union. She has to respect you as a woman...GL and we know your day will be prettyful :)
  • edited December 2011
    Way to go, glad you stood up for yourself.  Your mother got out of line on that one.  Since it is too late to cancelt he shipment/order.  You all may be able to sell the dresses on E-bay or even if you wanted to you could sell on the Knot.  Otherwise, she should cut her losses, the consequence of her actions.  I hope your day turns out just the way YOU planned.
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