Why do this at all?

vegetara · January 2010

This is probably going to seem like an odd question, but, I really just wanted to do something SUPER simple, such as going to Las Vegas or a destination wedding/honeymoon all in one trip somewhere.

My FI, however, has always dreamed of a large wedding and couldn't deal with not doing it.

I'm just sickened looking at how much money this is costing us and I think we can do SO MUCH MORE with this money like put a down payment on a house or something more responsible.

So, for those of you that have always dreamed of this big, fancy party.. please explain it to me because I just don't get it and he feels insulted when I try to talk to him about it.

SarahPLiz · January 2010

I don't get the whole fancy thing either. I do want it to be a family occaision, though, because family is really important to us, so that is dictating our guest list.

If your FI wants more detail than you, then he should be planning it, not you. I think he should not guilt you into doing all the work to complete his vision.

Talk to your FI and see if you can compromise with a DW with family only. Then you get small and he gets fancy (DWs can be really fancy) while keeping the guest list small so its not so expensive for the 2 of you. YOu should be able to talk about how you spend your money before you get married, because money troubles are a big reason for divorce these days.

vegetara · January 2010

Our family can't afford to go to a DW with us. Some are saving up now to go to it and it's here in the states.

saisongbird · January 2010

For us, we have a large family who would be very upset if they didn't have the chance to share this life event with us. We seriously considered eloping, but we knew that the small wedding just wasn't going to happen so we said that if we're doing this, then we're going all out.

vegetara · January 2010

We had the same conversation, but, I'm looking over the budget, trying to make things work and it's a LOT of stress....

It just doesn't seem worth it. I think I'd like to just to elope and be done with this!

goheels05 · January 2010

I don't know what to tell you. I wish we had done a destination wedding. Planning a big wedding was a PITA!

The best I can tell you is just keep an open mind, try to keep discussions from getting overly heated regarding the wedding. As the two of you consider your options, make sure to point out practical items to him that are concerning you--price, hassle, etc. Over time he'll realize what all is involved in planning a large wedding, and maybe he'll see things your way.

vegetara · January 2010

Thanks...

I really need help understanding his POV, though.

Why spend all this money and do this when we can just elope instead and spend the money on something practical?

banana468 · January 2010

We were really lucky that family paid for the reception.

For DH and me, we came from families where it was important to celebrate our union with everyone. Our budget would have dictated the formality but for us, we couldn't imagine doing that without our nearest and dearest there to celebrate with us. Yes, only the two of us were married but it was so much more than that.

kaynix21 · January 2010

I am only child...I think my mom would have been really bummed if we had eloped or something.

Our family is big and having a destination wedding wouldn't have worked.

While planning all this I have wondered the same thing myself. But I think in the end (not the money part) it will be worth it. Because I didn't want to miss out on having my friends and family around while I got to walk down the aisle in a beautiful dress and see the look on FIs face....

vegetara · January 2010

When we first decided to do it, he made the point of how everyone would be together and have a good time, etc.... I mean, people only get together like this for your wedding and funeral, right? It's hard to argue that point. My mom also made a similar point when I tried to talk to her about it, and at that point offered to pay for the rest of my dress (I'd already made the deposit) and ask my godmother to help pay for the cake (which she did).

So, it was back on.... The reality, however, is much different than we thought. Our parents are all divorced and there are harsh feelings, etc. My father is still alive but will not be attending (it's a REALLY bad situation), which brings up all sorts of stuff for me because of traditions that are in place with the 'father of the bride'.

In addition, this is costing SO much money. We've already upped our planned budget twice and I still can't even seem to make things work. It seems ridiculous that I can't even throw a decent party for $15,000. This doesn't include the honeymoon, either, and, we've already had to pass on what we REALLY wanted for the honeymoon because of the wedding costs.

In addition, because we're paying for basically the whole thing by ourselves (our families have contributed about 2k), we're going to be going in debt by almost 10K and not using some other thousands of dollars to pay off bills that we really should pay off.

How can it possibly be a good idea to start our marriage off with all of this debt? He also wants to have children, and I'm 34, so, that would have to be soon and it's really important to me to stay how with them when they are young.

I talked to my mom and my FI about this again yesterday. He's now open to the idea of a DW (if we can do it cheaply) and my mom is going to creatively look over her budget to try to help us some more because she wants the wedding.

Even if we cancel everything now and do an inexpensive DW/honeymoon package, however, it may not even be cheaper unless we can get all of our deposits back!

Btw, thanks for letting me vent. I'm just really having a hard time seeing his point on this and the thought of all of this money being spent on ONE DAY seems unwise.

vegetara · January 2010

edit- stay *how* with them should have been stay *home* with them

aerinpegadrak · January 2010

You know, you can do a DW in the states. I'm doing a formal DW in Vegas, which let us cut the guest list down to just the wedding party and immediate family. Then, we're having a super casual reception back in California, just a BBQ on the beach sort of thing, for all of our friends (who are basically our extended family). We're able to do this for several thousand dollars less than we were looking at when we were going to invite everyone to one event.

hayleymajayley · January 2010

15 grand? Are you doing DIY stuff? Buying only what you need and not everything that might be expected? Inviting everyone you can think of or just your closest friends and family?

Keep your guest list down, don't get the biggest fanciest venue you can think of, stick with beer/wine and appetizers. get a simple cake (or small fancy one with some sheet cakes). You don't need limos, aisle runners, tons of flowers, whatever else the wedding industry might make you think you have to have.

You need you, your fiance, 2 witnesses and someone to officiate. Which you can get a friend or family member ordained online, and you just have to get a certificate or whatever which will cost you 20 bucks. Much cheaper than paying someone to come out.

dsouldiva · January 2010

There must be other ways to save

$25 x 150 people is $3750 so that's $11,000 on the rest of the wedding, that's quite a lot. Check out the budget boards for inspiration on how to save money, use craigslist and your local boards for recommendations for cheap photographers, DJs etc. Try government owned buildings for cheaper venues and try and find somewhere that has tables & chairs etc included (hire costs add up)

Have you considered moving the time of the wedding or changing the theme to save money, a dessert reception can be really beautiful & classy but won't cost anywhere near serving a ful meal.

Without knowing where you are spending your budget it's hard to recommend other places to save.

In terms of Why do it? Personally I see marriage as the celebration of two people's love for each other, their wanting to spend the rest of their lives together and the coming together of two families, it should be celebrated by family & friends as a joyous occasion but it certainly shouldn't mean you having to go into debt to do so.

There are plenty of budget bridal blogs that show beautiful weddings that cost under $5000, I would try showing your Fi that there can be a compromise and agree a more realsitic and manageable wedding budget for the two of you.

angelmm · January 2010

I really feel your pain! I am in a similar situation and have come up with several solutions - we haven't picked one yet. My mother and I have priced all of these ideas and they would be 5K or less in the Atlanta area. We plan on buying the dress, flowers, possibly the cake but we'll try to make it (we'll do some test runs!), the tux, the rings (not including engagement ring), unity candle, etc. The main differentiator in cost is to cut WAY back on the invite list to have a formal venue, or to cut way back on the venue and have a casual/no dinner served reception.

First idea: Have a night wedding so we skip the dinner and have only finger foods at the reception... We'd have this reception in the garden of my parent's house - so the only venue expense would be to decorate it. Since it's night we can use (fairly cheap) candles and some twinkle lights without having to do much else.

Second idea: We cut the invite list WAY down to only people we say the words "I love you" to. Then, we have the wedding in a little chapel instead of our big church, and have the reception in a room at a fancy restaurant where we've set up 100/person arrangement with the management. We'll retreat to my parent's home for drinks, cake, and informal dancing afterward. We won't need a DJ, and we'll only need a couple hours of professional photography. The rest can be handled by guests.

Third idea: Get married in a small coastal town. Almost all of our guests have to travel and get hotels if we get married in our home town, so if we get married somewhere else it will only put out about 6 people. You can buy nice package deals in some of the small town destinations (like St. Mary's Georgia).

Fourth idea: ELOPE!

To be honest, I want to go with #4, or the garden wedding at home... I think he wants #2. I think #3 is too hard to plan....

vegetara · January 2010

Some things happened and he's finally agreed to elope to Las Vegas! Our mothers have also gotten on board now that we've agreed to fly them out to see the actual ceremony (though it's still WAY cheaper than what we were doing before).

We're calling the big wedding off!! Thanks everyone for your support.

Why do this at all?

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