XP: Help out an old married!

Blinky7117 · September 2009

Hi ladies! I hope planning is going well for all... I am in a bit of a situation, and it is crazy how quick the bride instinct goes away when you're busy, so tell me what you all think from YOUR point of view...So, one of my good girl friends that attended our DW got engaged on Monday (yay!) and has decided to do a DW in Hawaii. I know its not even right for me to think about the money, but my first thought is how obscenely expensive Hawaii is... Then, she tells me that her whole family is really excited and plans on being there. This includes her brother who is my ex. Not like dated for a while ex, but ex like we lived together for two years and had a seriously rough, nasty break up that still haunts me in some respects. She says it shouldn't be any big deal since I'm married and all now, but, it is. DH is in class so I haven't gotten a chance to talk to him about it yet, but what do you ladies think of the situation?

Blinky7117 · September 2009

I have not seen him since he left the last time. There were countless late night drunken phone calls from him, but they were just that, so I'm thinking that even with me married and him with girlfriend and child, it would not be a good situation. I was thinking another hotel/resort, but then there's the budget issue. Honestly, it would be just another debt for us. I'm in my last year of my undergrad and plan on going to grad school a year after I'm done, so we live on student loans... this is no fun! I'm afraid that if I go, it would take a hit on us financially and potentially damage my marriage, but if I don't go, it may ruin my friendship. UGH!

bride_from_the_burgh · September 2009

I think you just answered your own question.... would you rather damage your marriage or your friendship? Honestly if you can't swing it let your friend know. I mean it's not like you'd be telling her last minute.

Mindi22 · September 2009

Hey! I just thought I'd give my opinion from a bride's point of view... One of my best friends dated my FI's best friend for 2 years. They are both invited to the wedding and in the same situation. We've asked all of them (including his FI) how they feel about it and thankfully they were mature enough to say it didn't matter. I would say if this is a good friend of yours and it's her wedding--make it about her. Your ex and you are history--never going to happen again, so you should have nothing to worry about. If your uncomfortable spending time with the whole group, plan some trips with your hubby and make the most out of it... it's Hawaii!! How romantic for the two of you! If your hubby is uncomfortable, just be there to reassure him so he knows your his and he'll be happy. As for your ex, I'd recommend just be nice WHEN you have to and ignoring him the rest of the time. Be the better person and just remember your there for your friend--and to enjoy some vacation time with your new hubby! Congrats on becoming a MRS. by the way

carrieoz_76 · September 2009

First, for now, don't commit, but tell her early and often how excited you are for her, and you'll do your best to try to come. I hate it when 1) my friends are like "Yeah, I'm not coming." - really curt or 2) Here's the 8 million excuses for why I can't come and really I just want you to assure me that it's ok. Hold off on making any final decisions until you know if you really can go. In the meanntime, you might have more info about whether her brother is really going anyways. Then, when you have to make the call, if he's going, you can bag out. When you tell her, keep it short and simple and don't tell her you're not going b/c her brother will be there. You don't need to explain yourself and your reasons. Just say you are sad you can't make it but things are really tight right now and you hope she understands, but that you still are really looking forward to lots of WR stuff, and offer to go look at dresses or invitations or whatever. She'll be sad but will have so many other things to think about that it won't last long. Bottom line - a vacation with a husband and an ex with whom you had a bad breakup doesn't sound like my idea of fun, esp. if the ex can't be a grown-up about it. Best to avoid that, if possible.

jen812 · September 2009

Is she having a reception when she gets back from Hawaii? If you really feel uncomfortable, maybe you could just go to that.

lmydogally · September 2009

We have a lot of people not coming to our wedding in Hawaii because of money. We also have people who are coming that we weren't expecting. Just tell her it will depend on expenses and when the invite comes and you can't afford it, tell her. I wouldn't bring up the ex, just tell her you can't afford it but you wish you could be there.

MissMex · September 2009

I'm back on this, but Kristine I am definately going to say marriage is #1, across the board. I feel like you already have your mind made up on this too, but really don't want to hurt your friend. I am thinking you're going to have to say no, which really sucks, but marriage comes first over friends, and I thunk this will end up hurting you unfortunately.

Blinky7117 · September 2009

I would go to an AHR, except she lives several states away

But I think we have reached the conclusion that, regardless of my personal feelings or apprehensions, we can't afford to go. It's just not an option for us to spend two months of my salary on airfare alone. (Poor student speaking). Thank you all for your input!

XP: Help out an old married!

Re: XP: Help out an old married!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards