Ex-Wife Won't Let Kids Fly to Our Wedding

cjone2000 · October 2010

Posting this here as well, as another person started a different thread and I wanted to address those who have replied here.

Before I start, thank you for the few people who have tried to be encouraging and given kind advice.

Well I have learned a valuable lesson through my first posting on this forum. Not only will people say you are dumb, they will attack you and call petty because you won't spend money on a lawyer or that you shouldn't be getting married in the first place. On top of that they wish you an unhappy future and hope you get divorced. This forum reeks of negativity and because of being anonymous behind screen names, people can judge harshly and quickly, without remorse or thought about a real person with real feelings on the other side of the screen.

I luckily spoke to my fiance earlier and he is taking action and we are going to hope for the best. If the boys don't come, we will miss them and when the wedding is over, we will be looking for a lawyer or some type of legal assistance to help us get joint custody so this doesn't become an issue in the future. The most important thing for us is to balance our marriage with keeping his boys in our lives and letting them know they are loved and their dad continually pursues a relationship with them.

To those who wished me the worst outcome and made assumptions and attacked me, I hope at least you have a very happy wedding and situations like mine don't happen to you. I hope that when you receive advice, you are treated kindly. May you have a life of happiness and love and your marriages last a lifetime.

Please remember not all brides are petty and selfish. Some brides just want to get to know their new family members and share their special day with loved ones. It really doesn't matter about the money in the end, it's about the outcome. I certainly am not perfect and don't expect our wedding day to be perfect.

As an adult, I have come to realize that there are times in life when you must deal with huge disappointments. I was just hoping there could be another way that we could resolve the situation without a lawyer. I want to have a good relationship with his ex-wife and his children. I was just hoping for some advice on how to achieve this goal. I see now that maybe this forum was not the appropriate place to do so.

God Bless

mrsconn23 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_ex-wife-wont-let-kids-fly-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:595c7192-c4ca-4443-8ac6-7c8bbd3df8fbPost:0c288b17-2def-4228-9955-ff2deee54ccb">Re: Ex-Wife Won't Let Kids Fly to Our Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Posting this here as well, as another person started a different thread and I wanted to address those who have replied here. Before I start, thank you for the few people who have tried to be encouraging and given kind advice. Well I have learned a valuable lesson through my first posting on this forum. Not only will people say you are dumb, they will attack you and call petty because you won't spend money on a lawyer or that you shouldn't be getting married in the first place. On top of that they wish you an unhappy future and hope you get divorced. This forum reeks of negativity and because of being anonymous behind screen names, people can judge harshly and quickly, without remorse or thought about a real person with real feelings on the other side of the screen. I luckily spoke to my fiance earlier and he is taking action and we are going to hope for the best. If the boys don't come, we will miss them and when the wedding is over, we will be looking for a lawyer or some type of legal assistance to help us get joint custody so this doesn't become an issue in the future. The most important thing for us is to balance our marriage with keeping his boys in our lives and letting them know they are loved and their dad continually pursues a relationship with them. To those who wished me the worst outcome and made assumptions and attacked me, I hope at least you have a very happy wedding and situations like mine don't happen to you. I hope that when you receive advice, you are treated kindly. May you have a life of happiness and love and your marriages last a lifetime. Please remember not all brides are petty and selfish. Some brides just want to get to know their new family members and share their special day with loved ones. It really doesn't matter about the money in the end, it's about the outcome. I certainly am not perfect and don't expect our wedding day to be perfect. As an adult, I have come to realize that there are times in life when you must deal with huge disappointments. I was just hoping there could be another way that we could resolve the situation without a lawyer.<strong> I want to have a good relationship with his ex-wife and his children. I was just hoping for some advice on how to achieve this goal.</strong> I see now that maybe this forum was not the appropriate place to do so. God Bless
Posted by cjone2000[/QUOTE]

From what you've posted here, that's not going to happen. That's why your FI needs a lawyer to LEGALLY protect his and his children's relationship with one another. And your FI needs to be CONSISTENT in enforcing any court order that's in place and DOCUMENTING when she's not holding up her end. That is the ONLY way he'll ever have a leg to stand on.

If he's not intersted in doing that AND following through on making his ex toe the line, then I would personally rethink my relationship with him.

zitiqueen · October 2010

The only person in this entire thread who isn't looking out for your best interest is you, pumpkin.

But you enjoy your pretty princess day, because that's all that matters.

cjone2000 · October 2010

He has done a great job. He hasn't been denied visitation, just that when she cancels trips to bring the boys to where he is, he has to go down there instead. He has gone to NC numerous times to go down and see them and was responsible for all the expenses. Their divorce agreement stated she has to pay for half of the boy's costs of getting them to him once a year. She has never paid that cost and my fiance has paid numerous times to make the trip down there. He's avoided taking her to court so because of the fact that she might get madder and the situation get worse. It's a messy situation for sure.

mrsconn23 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_ex-wife-wont-let-kids-fly-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:595c7192-c4ca-4443-8ac6-7c8bbd3df8fbPost:cab8a0fe-8c82-4675-9923-0d35113de301">Re: Ex-Wife Won't Let Kids Fly to Our Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]He has done a great job. He hasn't been denied visitation, just that when she cancels trips to bring the boys to where he is, he has to go down there instead. He has gone to NC numerous times to go down and see them and was responsible for all the expenses. Their divorce agreement stated she has to pay for half of the boy's costs of getting them to him once a year. She has never paid that cost and my fiance has paid numerous times to make the trip down there. He's avoided taking her to court so because of the fact that she might get madder and the situation get worse. It's a messy situation for sure.
Posted by cjone2000[/QUOTE]

But by NOT taking her to court he's only hurting himself and the kids. Court Orders are put in place to protect everyone from getting screwed, mainly the children but also the parents. He SHOULD have been keeping a tab, sending her a bill for her half, communicating that she owes him for half the travel because that's what is ordered. Because then, she's in contempt of court. Without holding her to her end of things, he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

She's got him where she wants him. She has him paying all the bills and NOT taking her to court. And she can totally fck him over on a whim. She's got it made.

InksWell · October 2010

Okay. I get that its messy. But it's messy because you haven't handled it like adults. "It's Messy" isn't an excuse. Get your act together and stop whining. Get your hands dirty. Tell your FI the same thing. If he has an issue with it, send him our way. Because I'm not necessarily saying he is a bad father, but I am saying he is a bad adult.

jemmini6 · October 2010

First of all, let me say I'm sorry you are going through this. I must also say that I'm a little shocked by some of the responses you've gotten here, I honestly think some of you may be reading more into this than really exists, but that's just what I get out of what she posted. Custody agreements are usually always a battle, especially when one party doesn't put their children's best interests in mind (ie, letting them see their father). I also find that there is normally years and years of history behind these types of stories that are impossible to convey via a relatively short post on a message board and therefore, their entire relationship and his relationship with his kids can absolutely not be judged based on this. Especially when she is asking for advise on a very specific situation, not necessarily the entirety of their custody arrangements.

Although they are your FI's children and therefore his responsibility to sort this out, it's going to be your life as well having to deal with their mother. I would suggest trying to set up a conference call with her and a mediator to try to work it out. People are generally more open to negotiations when they are just talking it out, once you get the courts involved, people tend to just get defensive and don't want to budge. Perhaps she doesn't think she's being ridiculous because it's coming from you guys, if she hears it from a neutral third party, maybe she'll reconsider without having to get the law involved.

However, if she still refuses, it's best to start documenting all these occasions so that if you are to secure a lawyer and go to court, you can prove that she is violating the terms of their agreement. I always say lawyers should be a last resort, but if you have honestly tried everything you can (maybe even buy her a ticket out there?) then you might not have another choice. Lawyers can be worth it if it means having them there for your wedding. It might not be a bad idea to at least start shopping around and seeing what a case like this might run you (some lawyers do free consultations too).

Anyways, good luck with the situation. Hopefully you are able to work it all out and maybe come to an agreement that will not only work right now, but in the future too.

thealphabride · October 2010

Past history is the best indicator of future behavior. If someone had blown off expensive airline tickets multiple times on me I would have been completely livid and sought legal solutions at the time.
Someone who has cancelled at the last minute multiple times will do it again, he should have been expecting it.
I'm not saying don't get married, just be prepared for this ex wife behavior to continue until someone sets a legal boundary for her.

heyimbren · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_ex-wife-wont-let-kids-fly-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:595c7192-c4ca-4443-8ac6-7c8bbd3df8fbPost:cab8a0fe-8c82-4675-9923-0d35113de301">Re: Ex-Wife Won't Let Kids Fly to Our Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]He has done a great job. He hasn't been denied visitation, just that when she cancels trips to bring the boys to where he is, he has to go down there instead. He has gone to NC numerous times to go down and see them and was responsible for all the expenses. Their divorce agreement stated she has to pay for half of the boy's costs of getting them to him once a year. She has never paid that cost and my fiance has paid numerous times to make the trip down there. He's avoided taking her to court so because of the fact that she might get madder and the situation get worse. It's a messy situation for sure.
Posted by cjone2000[/QUOTE]

Cjone, I'm glad to hear that you are going to get a lawyer to deal with this. But let me emphasize again just how important it is that you do that ASAP: please don't put it off because you're busy with planning a wedding (I'm not saying that's the case, but just in case it is...)

Once you do get into court, if you've put off taking this to court here is what a lot of lawyers on the other side would say: that your FI doesn't care about his children, and he never bothered to do anything before, so why is he trying something now? That's the problem. Maybe that isn't the case with your FI, but it is ammunition that the other side can use. Family law is ugly and messy, but it needs to be dealt with head-on. Scale back on your wedding if you need to afford a lawyer. There are ways to deal with this, and it is important that you do. The longer you put it off, the harder it's going to be. I know a lot of judges aren't going to see the situation you do either if your FI keeps putting it off. A lot of them will ask why he hasn't bothered to do anything before, and they'll read into his actions as not caring about his children. Fair or not, that is often the way the legal system works. If his ex isn't following the court order, then you need to take it to court so she realizes that she can't get away from it. You aren't making the situation any better or easier by staying out of court.

Even if you really can't get a laywer right now, at least take this to court yourself and he can be unrepresented at the beginning. It isn't ideal, but it is something.

FWIW, I do hope you can work things out. Good luck.

cjone2000 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_ex-wife-wont-let-kids-fly-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:595c7192-c4ca-4443-8ac6-7c8bbd3df8fbPost:7385beaf-2a32-4ffe-8808-671ae30dda48">Re: Ex-Wife Won't Let Kids Fly to Our Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ex-Wife Won't Let Kids Fly to Our Wedding : Cjone, I'm glad to hear that you are going to get a lawyer to deal with this. But let me emphasize again just how important it is that you do that ASAP: please don't put it off because you're busy with planning a wedding (I'm not saying that's the case, but just in case it is...) Once you do get into court, if you've put off taking this to court here is what a lot of lawyers on the other side would say: that your FI doesn't care about his children, and he never bothered to do anything before, so why is he trying something now? That's the problem. Maybe that isn't the case with your FI, but it is ammunition that the other side can use. Family law is ugly and messy, but it needs to be dealt with head-on. Scale back on your wedding if you need to afford a lawyer. There are ways to deal with this, and it is important that you do. The longer you put it off, the harder it's going to be. I know a lot of judges aren't going to see the situation you do either if your FI keeps putting it off. A lot of them will ask why he hasn't bothered to do anything before, and they'll read into his actions as not caring about his children. Fair or not, that is often the way the legal system works. If his ex isn't following the court order, then you need to take it to court so she realizes that she can't get away from it. You aren't making the situation any better or easier by staying out of court. Even if you really can't get a laywer right now, at least take this to court yourself and he can be unrepresented at the beginning. It isn't ideal, but it is something. FWIW, I do hope you can work things out. Good luck.
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

You made some good points that I will have to share with my fiance, thanks. He is checking with the law office on base tomorrow to see what options he has and what he can do from Germany. Before when this happened he dealt with it and just paid for himself to go down and visit. This is the first time for him that he really felt that the boys should be in Alaska. We are seeing she is beginning to play games and not only is it childish, it's making the situation hard on the boys.

So, yes, we are looking into seeking legal action to make sure in the future that my fiance can have more rights to see his sons and enjoy spending time with them. We talked today about gathering documentation of things he has done to maintain a relationship with his sons and the effort he has put into visitation at this point. And to point out that she is violating their divorce agreement.

To scale back the wedding when we are already committed to what has been planned would be near impossible now. It was a small wedding to begin with, and 25% of our wedding budget went to helping family fly here to be part of the wedding. I am a budget bride and don't like paying retail for most things so I tend to use coupons even when shopping for supplies online. I'm doing a lot of the planning myself and not doing things like hiring a DJ or a wedding coordinator, having an open bar, etc. Since we are paying for this wedding with cash and savings, we aren't putting expenses on credit cards and paying huge bills later. We'll be able to afford a lawyer after the wedding, probably hire one as soon as I get to Germany and start the process.

So, thanks for the advice, some things need to be discussed obviously between my fiance and I about how to go about this because the problem isn't going away and it will be something we will deal with until the kids are adults. I can only hope for the best and pray that a good relationship with my fiance's son's mom is developed over time.

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