What should I do? (long)

girlyjock · September 2009

FI and I went up to near my parents' house (where the wedding will be held) to book our photographer, and met my parents for dinner. During the dinner, my mom mentioned that she wants my Aunt P. and her family (DH, DD, and at least 2 DS's. Her oldest DS may not attend) to stay at my parents' house the night before the wedding, and get ready there (obviously). She also expects me to get ready there, with the BP. My parents' house has 3 bathrooms, 2 of which are attached to bedrooms (one of the bedroom attached bathrooms is about the size of a large, non-walk-in closet). Mom expects that 4 people from her generation (everyone's an adult in this situation, with the exception of an older teenager), plus 11 people from my generation (me (1), my 2 sisters and brother (1), 3 cousins, and remaining 4 members of the bridal party) to be able to get ready, and take pictures. Plus my sister's unhousebroken dog (she's had it a year, and it's still not housebroken, so I don't think that will change too much), who may or may not be crated. And the photographer is expected to take pictures of me getting ready with everyone trying to get ready. My dad told her she was nuts, but she insisted it would be easy. Me immediately realizing that there was no way that would work without several fights, suggested that I should book a hotel room, and get ready with the BP there (so my 2 sisters and the remaining 4 of the BP would be out of the way), to which my mom told me I was being silly, as we'd have to return to her house to take pictures. I told her, as calmly as possible, that, given the scenario she just presented, it'd be too chaotic, and this way would be simpler. She looked visibly upset and said that a "random hotel room" would not be the backdrop I'd want for the getting ready pictures, and then my dad changed the conversation to avoid any tears in the restaurant/harsh words being spoken. I'm not close with my cousins. Further, my mom has 2 brothers, and one of those brothes is married with 3 kids, and I could see them getting offended if they weren't invited to stay at my parents'/get ready there if my aunt was. And, (I'm aware this is bridezila-ish) my mom and aunt would take pictures of their own of the getting ready, and I could see them showing people before the ceremony, and I don't want half the guests to know what I look like before I walk down the aisle. I'm ready to sit down with my mom and let her know that I think that 11 people is an insane number to get ready with only 3 bathrooms, even with hair and makeup people (because 11 would need to shower), but, because it's my mom, I feel like I'm out of line for going against her wishes, and don't know what to do.

salt78 · September 2009

That is WAY too many people. I'd freak out.

AlexiaANDRobert · September 2009

Ditto Salt. I want to get ready somewhere else and that's without adding additional people to my parent's house!

BecW2be · September 2009

I'd just tell Mom that if the Aunt P gang stays with her, you get a hotel room. Let her decide who she wants in her house, and she won't be able to argue with you.

Night_Sprite · September 2009

Tell your mom that isn't okay and either you or aunt need a hotel room.

tidetravel · September 2009

Too many people. Get the hotel room and have your BP get ready there. The rest of the family can hang out at the house. because it's my mom, I feel like I'm out of line for going against her wishesIf you're getting upset about this, I would seriously consider the affect of her opinions on other aspects of your life. What will happen when/if you decide to have children.

girlyjock · September 2009

I forgot to add: I think mom's doing this because this is the first time her family will be all in one place since my grandma died (5.5 years at the time of the wedding), and she may be teary about that, and my aunt is great at cracking jokes that snap you out of being sad. So there's that aspect.

danieliza1127 · September 2009

I think you need to sit down with your mom and let her know that 11 people is insane and that if it's that important to her that you get ready and do pictures at her house, then she shouldn't invite these other people to stay there. If she does, you'll be forced to get a hotel room because it's just impossible otherwise. Let her know that it is also important to YOU to get ready at her house and spend that time with her, and so you hope that she'll understand.

tenofcups4me · September 2009

Seems pretty straight-forward. Tell your mom that's too many people in the house to get ready at the same time. If she wants the other people there, it's fine, you'll get a hotel room. But if she wants you and the bridal party to get ready there, she won't be able to have her sister and family there too. You're not out of line or bridezilla for making sure you have enough space and bathrooms to comfortably get ready.

georgia_bride09 · September 2009

I had a random hotel room as my getting ready backdrop; better than sweating like a heifer because there's 20 other people in the same room. Tell your mom that it would be too stressful for you to get ready around so many other people. She'll just have to deal with it. Plus, you know the "elders" will want to get ready forst, which may throw your schedule off.

danieliza1127 · September 2009

As a compromise, you could suggest that your aunt and her family make their own sleeping arrangements (hotel or whatever) and that you invite Aunt only to come over and get ready with you, your mom, and the wedding party.

lyndausvi · September 2009

Do what you want? If she cries she cries. That said, my sister got ready at my parent's house. There was 13 people sleeping in the house. We got our hair done and then all 8 BM finished getting ready. It was not an issue. We did have 4 full bathrooms and 2 half baths. But honestly all the BM's were together in the master bathroom. For my wedding we had 18 people staying at the rental house. We got ready there also. It was a non-issue and again with all the bathrooms we still all hung out in the master bedroom/bathroom.

tengma07 · September 2009

The last thing you want day of is to be distraught or stressed as a result of bathroom fights and chaos, you'll have plenty other to worry about. I think bookingyour own hotel room is the smartest bet. She may be a little hurt, but you need to stand your ground. It's ok to want to want some space and peace day of.I just went through something similar... huge fam on dad's side except to be invited to our house and of course we're opening our doors to them. it'll be 6 adults and 6 kids (all under 13) on top of my family of 5. I told my fam if they all show up I may need to just move out early (to the apt Fi and I will have rented in advance) because I didn't think I could function with so many ppl in such a tight space (only 2 bathrooms). Of course they're a little torn, they want to see me as much as possible on that day, but they understood when I talked to them.

Kristin789 · September 2009

Aunt & family need to stay with other relatives, but Aunt can come over, already dressed, to Mom's house the day of the wedding to sit in the living room and see every girl as they come downstairs.Aunt's DH and kids need to go directly to the ceremony location - without stopping at Mom's at all. MOH & BMs need to stay in a hotel room/hotel rooms/a hotel suite, and come over, already dressed, to Mom's house the day of the wedding to assist YOU in getting dressed.That leaves bride, bride's mom, and bride's dad in the family home the night before the wedding. That's nice. One last time to talk about growing up and the old neighborhood and remember when you chaperoned that field trip we had in fourth grade to the zoo, etc. One last time for your parents to really embrace the "job" they did in raising you, and all that was so very special about that job... now that the job is coming to an end and they are happy FOR YOU but kind of sad for themselves because they really did enjoy raising you.The night before a wedding is not the time to have some wacky funny aunt telling wacky funny stories about when she and your mom were at Grandpa Who's house for Christmas that one year when Uncle Fester got drunk and knocked down the tree and Cousin Billy tilted his chair back too far and cracked open his head on the old-time metal radiator in the dining room and had to be rushed to the hospital with a towel on his head. Nope. That's just not what this is about. It's not a time for a wild family reunion party weekend. Your wedding IS a time to see extended family members... who have come to see YOU in the most serious, most spiritual, most adult ceremony you'll ever have - followed by a nice reception to celebrate that most serious/spiritual marriage ceremony.

awed81 · September 2009

I was in this situation last weekend as a bridesmaid. I think it was 10 people getting ready in 1 house, including BP, Bride, and Bride's mother. I somehow managed to lose the entire outfit I wore over there, my hair dryer diffuser, deodorant, and 2 brand new lip glosses. Not to mention it was so hot in that house we were literally dripping sweat trying to get everything done. And we were 30 mins late to the ceremony.

Deidra123 · September 2009

Girlyjock, Maybe this is when your Mom comes to terms with you being an adult and not a child that she can control? But you have to act like an adult if you want adult-level respect. Just tell her everything that you told us. Just.tell.her. Better for her to realize that you're an adult now than after you get married and FH is then dragged into it.

tomkat2010 · September 2009

Just the thought of that gives me anxiety. Too many people. Get ready where you will be the most comfortable - end of story. There will be plenty of time to hang out together at the reception.

monsoon737 · September 2009

I agree 100% with Kristin's suggestion!

girlyjock · September 2009

Kristin's suggestion is the one I'm going to push for because I just realized that my Aunt staying over will prolong the rehearsal dinner, which my parents are hosting (my parents volunteered, and my mom is getting an excuse to resurface the kitchen, and re-floor the living room and kitchen), although we're getting it catered. And she and my mom will drink, and could end up hungover and cranky, in addition to my uncles/cousins staying way late and drinking too much and "oh no, now all mom's siblings are staying over! Who wants more wine?" (3 more their generation, 3 more my generation).

a_schaal · September 2009

I'd pull a passive-aggressive stunt and clog up all their toilets two days before, making it clear that it's simply not possible at all to have everyone get ready there, what with the unpredictable toilets.

RottieLover1444 · September 2009

I would schedule to have my hair and makeup done at a salon -- along with the people closest to me. Then arrive at the over crowded house ready to just step into my dress. That way you don't even need to worry about getting into the bedrooms/bathrooms.

jeannigirl · September 2009

Maybe this is when your Mom comes to terms with you being an adult and not a child that she can control? But you have to act like an adult if you want adult-level respect. Just tell her everything that you told us. Just.tell.her.I am going with this pp this is pretty cut and dry.

girlyjock · September 2009

Honestly, Rottielover, that would work except for A. my bridezilla-ish desire to make a dramatic entrance at the church where only my immediate family and BP and photographer have seen me ready, and B. my fear that my sister's unhousebroken/untrained dog (she's had it for over a year and swears it's too smart to be trained. The thing managed to mace itself in the face, which i guess takes some kind of skill, but seriously? Too smart to be trained?) will either piss/shiit on the floor, no one will notice, and I'll walk through it (if its piss) in my dress, or it'll run out the front door, people will try to chase it down, and it will run through my parents' garden, and jump on me, getting muddy/dirty paw prints all over the dress. I've made it clear I want the dog put in a room with the door closed (sis can walk it before the getting ready starts if she's worried about it being cooped up, it's a bijon, the lake near my parents' house is 3.5 miles, once around should leave it tired), but I can see sis dragging the thing out and demanding that pictures be taken with it (she loves it. I hate it.), and then the dog being left to its own devices. Plus, I'm not sure I'm going the professional route for makeup.

shawna77inil · September 2009

It looks to me that you already know what the answer needs to be, you just don't want to stand up to your Mom. If she insists that her entire family needs to be at her house, then you need to stand up to her and tell her that you can't be. If my mother was trying to steer me that route I think we would be having a real problem. We are having our hair done at a salon near the church and having makeup done and getting dressed at the church itself. Is that possibly an option for your group? The very idea of trying to shuttle 11 people in and out of the shower would leave me cringing. About the first three of you are going to get a nice hot shower, everyone else is going to be freezing unless your parents have a hundred gallon water heater. And God forbid someone flushes in another bathroom while someone else is in shower number two. I understand your Mom wanting you to have a pretty backdrop for your pictures, but seriously? You just have to stand up to her and let her know that it won't work.

What should I do? (long)

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