Vows said at Reception instead?

tracmacd · November 2009

My fiance is Greek and i'm 100% Canadian. We're having a traditional Greek Orhtodox wedding ceremony in the church, and so we don't get to say any vows. This is really heartbreaking for me as I've always dreamt of saying my vows to my future husband.

I've decided that I want to incorporate some sort of 'vows' into our reception but don't know the best way to do this. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks!

Tracey

Brie2010 · November 2009

I wouldn't do this. To me, it undermines the ceremony you're having in the Greek Orthodox church and seems disrespectful, like "hey, that wasn't a good enough wedding ceremony because we didn't say vows." You decided to have the Greek ceremony--you shouldn't have agreed to it if vows meant that much to you.

lyndausvi · November 2009

Ditto Brie..

I understand why you are upset. But sometimes choices come with consquences, your is not saying vows. - Which by the way I had no idea Greek Orthodox did not say vows . I guess you learn something new every day.

On a side note as a guest I would be WTF did I just sit through this hour+ long ceremony for if I had to see them say vows at the reception.

SarahPLiz · November 2009

You don't say vows in an Orthodox ceremony because you showing up is a sign of your commitment. If its good enough for God and the state, why is it not good enough for you?

I agree that it would be disrespectful. You can still say vows to your husband, but do it privately as to not offend the Orthodox guests. I think it would be much more special to say them to each other in a private moment before the reception, or after..The most important person to hear them is your husband..

goheels05 · November 2009

Ditto Brie.

SarahPLiz · November 2009

Or better yet, you can whisper them to each other during your first dance. Your public declaration is made during the ceremony. If you feel the need to say them to your husband, then it shouldnt matter if anyone else is listening.

aerinpegadrak · November 2009

Ditto Brie. If there are things that you really want to say to your husband, you can write them in a heartfelt letter and give it to him before or after the ceremony, or find another time to say them in private. If vows were a dealbreaker, then you shouldn't have agreed to an Orthodox ceremony.

squirrly · November 2009

Have you talked to your FI about this? This needs to be a joint plan. If you're truly devestated and your wedding ceremony is insufficient to you, this will be an issue for you for years to come. You need to address it now. Having two ceremonies isn't really the way to do it, particularly not one as part of the reception. I know that some people who get married in the mormon temple do a mini ceremony for the non-mormons (especially if one has converted and their parents aren't mormon), but I'm not clear on the logistics and how this is viewed by the Mormon church.

I really think you need to work this out with your FI. You both need to feel like the ceremony represents both of you and that you both really feel married at the end of it. And, you need to be sure that whatever you do is respectful to your FI's religion. Don't just add vows to the reception, but also don't just lay this aside if it's really bothering you. Come to a real compromise.

trix1223 · November 2009

I would find it very odd to hear vows AFTER you've been pronounced husband and wife at your ceremony.

PPs have given you very good advice: write them in a letter and give it to your DH. Say them to him privatley after the ceremony.

How about seeing each other before the ceremony for pictures, and saying what you need to say to him then?

But please don't do it at the reception. That would just be weird, and VERY, VERY disrespectful to your FILs.

flutgrl1 · November 2009

I would do it but keep it very short. We couldn't do a unity candle in our ceremony so we did it at the reception. It meant a lot to me.

tracmacd · November 2009

Thanks for all the input.

Our compromise to not being able to say vows at the ceremony is to say 'vows' at the reception but i just needed ideas on how to best execute this.

They won't be the traditional 'i take you through sickness and health' type vows but more of a 'this is why we're here today' sort of thing. i get the 'whole private' moment idea that was suggested but i've dreamt of my wedding day forever and it's always included my FH and I declaring to our family and friends why we want to get married. It's also very important to my family for this to happen as vows are something that's always done in our family. FH understands how important this is to me as i'm not at all religious and am doing the church ceremony for him alone.

tricklet17 · November 2009

I completely disagree with other posts that it is disrespectful for you to want to say "vows." I too have always pictured my wedding saying the vows and telling our families what we mean to each other. Just because you met someone who had a different idea doesn't mean you should forget yours! So don't feel bad about that! I guess it depends on how much you are wanting to say .. you could do it as a toast. As long as it doesn't last too long you could stand up while everyone is finishing their meal and let them know you'd like to take a moment to say a few things to each other .. and then go on with what you want to say. But do try to keep it short and sweet.

tracmacd · November 2009

Thanks Tricklet17, I don't think it's disrespectful either, more of a combining what's most important to both of us. His is the Greek ceremony and mine is the vows.

We'd definitely do something short and sweet, maybe about 1 minute long in total! I like your idea of saying it after dinner, just standing up and having a moment there.This way it won't be a big 'to do' but we will still have everyones attention.

Thanks!

SarahPLiz · November 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_vows-said-reception-instead?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:2e82fa6d-d36d-4bd9-a12d-0816c17bc021Post:994b121e-a3bc-451f-9554-1b8a299b3a3f">Re: Vows said at Reception instead?</a>:
[QUOTE]. FH understands how important this is to me as i'm not at all religious and am doing the church ceremony for him alone.
Posted by tracmacd[/QUOTE]

I just want to make sure that you understand that in order to be marrie din the Orthodox church, you at least have to profess to be Christian. You also have to agree to raise your children in the Orthodox church. Its one thing to not be comfortable with organized religion (I fall into this category), but its an entirely different thing to lie about your intentions. I am not saying you are doing this, but if being married in the church is that important to your FI, and you are just going along for the ride, you may have some issues down the road. Tradition is one thing, religion is another.

FWIW, I am not in favor of organized religion, but I would never lie to an Orthodox priest (or any other for that matter, thereby disrespecting their beliefs) about my intentions just to get married in the church. My FI is Orthodox, and while I have no problem professing to be Christian, I am not comfortable promising to raise my children in the Orthodox faith, and neither is FI, so we are having an outdoor ceremony. We are incorporating some of each of our traditions in the ceremony instead of going through a church ceremony that we arent both fully commited to.

Its something to think about if you haven't already.

aerinpegadrak · November 2009

Yeah, I'm with Sarah. Our parents would prefer if we had a religious ceremony, but neither of us are Christian, and we have no intention of raising our children in a church that we don't support. I don't care how much it would mollify them, I don't want to cheapen my wedding day by making promises that I have no intention of keeping.

tracmacd · November 2009

There's a lot of people out there who have their wedding in a church but never actually go to church, they want the tradition and the experience and what they dreamt of growing up.

And there's nothing wrong with that because it's what they want. They may not believe in everything the church stands for but they still want to get married there.
My FH wants that, he wants the tradition of getting married in his church and that's OK with me. We've talked it out. I will support him, in turn supporting the church, in order to give him this.

We will raise our future kids as we see fit, baptising them in the greek church, and raising them to believe whatever they wish to believe in. If they believe in a GOD then that's up to them, if they don't than that's up to them as well. We'll give them all the options, and let them decide.

There's no lying or disrespect going on with our wedding ceremony, we are simply doing what makes each other happy. And really, that's what makes relationships work. Compromise, love and support. All of which we have for one another. Not based on religion, or where we got married. But why we did it and the kind of life we want going forward, all decided together.

Theresa626 · November 2009

I'm sorry you're getting all these people who wish to endlessly lecture you on religion instead of answering your question. That said, I think it would be fine if you did it during the toasts or before the toasts.

tracmacd · November 2009

Thanks Theresa626

katmbac · November 2009

instead of doing some sort of formal vow exchange you could begin the toasts with them

tracmacd · November 2009

THanks Katmbac. I was thinking the same thing, this way we'd still get to say our written 'vows' to each other but it's less ackward for everyone involved.

Lasairiona · November 2009

Actually, getting married in a church you don't support just because it's pretty fpr pictures or to satisfy other people, is equally disrespectful. And yes there is something wrong wtih it, even if you and others don't agree. I concur with the others who mentioned that if vows were so important to you, then you should never have agreed to an Orthodox ceremony in the first place. It was also incredibly disrespectful to lie to the priest about your beliefs, if you mentioned to him that you are religious while telling people here that you aren't, which is a requirement to marry there. Why is saying vows publicly at the reception, thereby negating the ceremony you attended and essentially stating to everyone in attendance that it was all a sham, the only compromise you can find? There is nothing at all with the suggestions that were given by the other ladies about writing a letter or speaking privately. But it sounds like you have your mind made up and nothing will change it unless it validates your intentions.

mbcdefg · November 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_vows-said-reception-instead?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:2e82fa6d-d36d-4bd9-a12d-0816c17bc021Post:94dfc19f-62ef-4309-9565-8b9afe9f2033">Re: Vows said at Reception instead?</a>:
[QUOTE]There's a lot of people out there who have their wedding in a church but never actually go to church, they want the tradition and the experience and what they dreamt of growing up. And there's nothing wrong with that because it's what they want. They may not believe in everything the church stands for but they still want to get married there.
Posted by tracmacd[/QUOTE]

Um, yeah, there IS something wrong with that. Just because a bunch of people do this doesn't make it right. Just because I want something doesn't mean I'm automatically entitled to it and that it's the right thing to do.

And as someone who DOES attend church regularly and believes in her faith, I am <em>highly</em> offended by people who just want to use a church as a pretty backdrop, or because they've always dreamed of their pretty princess day being in a church. They're using a holy sanctuary to satisfy their own selfish desires, plain and simple. I don't really give a crap if THEY feel that it's O.K., because it's not, and I'm not about to validate their feelings just so they can get what they want and feel good about themselves. If these people want to get married in the church so bad, then they should be there on Sundays and worshipping there. They should be contributing money to the church on a regular basis to keep it operating.

My church almost shut down because people didn't think it was "pretty enough." Nobody wanted to worship there, nobody wanted to get married there because it was too "ugly." Then some skilled craftsmen/parishioners donated their time and labor to fix it up, and suddenly people started pouring in because it was suddenly worthy of getting married in. They can all bite me.

tracmacd · November 2009

So now if you believe in something you have to attaend church every sunday or it's wrong? WOW that's harsh! i know a lot of people who have beliefs that don't attend church but they do their own thing on their own time. I see now that it's wrong and of course they can't get married in a church, how disrespectful. Sigh, grow up!

TIMES ARE CHANGING and so is the church, and so is the WORLD so don't tell me that what i believe in or what i don't believe in is disrespectful. It's how i live my life and i'm happy with it and if you're not then that's OK. you can live your life and worship whomever you worship the way you want to and I will do my own thing as will everyone else in the world.

Oh and I didn't lie to the priest, i believe in 'something' but who am I to call that GOD. could be, might not be. If there even is one, who knows?!?!?!?

P.s. i'm not getting married in a church for the 'pretty pictures' either it's to support my future husband. and to me, that's a damn good reason to do it.

So THANKS to everyone who answered my 'vows' question. It was very helpful

Lasairiona · November 2009

People who don't attend church but believe in God believe that he exists everywhere. So they are more likely to get married anywhere other than a church.

Being courteous and respectful to others is not something that changes with time. People may claim it does but that doesn't make it fact. It's the people in the church that change, not the church itself. Churches have the regulations set up that they do for a reason and if someone is not willing to go along with each and every one of them, then they need to go elsewhere.

laurenscottcox · November 2009

I'm glad you posted this question! My fiance and I are not affiliated with a religion and are just going to the Courthouse. However, what a great idea to say the vows (as you described them, not the sickness and health stuff) at the reception. I'm so excited at this prospect as I had written it off as something I wouldn't get to do. LOVE IT and if its any consolation for you and your decision, I will probably implement this at my reception. THANKS and congratulations!

tracmacd · November 2009

Glad I could help! I also think it's a great idea.

Cheers!

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