DONE

HaileyBirdsall · September 2010

I would like to thank you all for your posts. I can see that there is an array of opinions on this topic. Here is my final verdict.
1) I spoke with my sister f2f h2h and she asked if she can be my wedding planner and wear what she already owns and is comfortable in, unless she (her words) losses the weight that she wants then she will buy a dress matching my color and length.
2) My bridesmaid that can afford her dress will help the other young bridesmaid pick out and pay for the dress.
3) As planned I am paying for all of their shoes, jewelry, ect.

I know we have all heard this before but...
I asked my best friends and my sister to be in my wedding, My best friend is my maid of honor, my sister is a bridesmaid, and then my other good friend is my other brides maid. All were so excited!! Then when it came down to money it changed my sister who is a size 26(hard to find cheap dresses in our colors) and has some health problems can not afford her dress I/we can not pay for it as we are payng for the wedding all buy ourselves as it is, but to ask my mentally ill sister to bow out... well it would be a large issue for her as her only being a bridesmaid was. My other bridesmaid also would not be able to afford her dress do I call off my whole wedding party and groomsmen(that can afford tuxs) because 2/3's cant afford it ?

eshaufle · September 2010

How much are we talking for these dresses?

suz62984 · September 2010

No! You find a way to help. Can they afford to pay a little? You can pay the difference. You can cut things in other ways to help with the dress. Maybe you do smaller flowers for them...two or three stem bouquets. You DIY invitations, programs, place cards, etc. Don't cut friends because of $$...especially your sister!

bablingbrooke · September 2010

If 2 out of 3 BMs can't afford the dress, the dress is too expensive. Fortunately this is entirely within your control to fix: You find another one that fits everyone's budget.

jaimed99 · September 2010

If you want them in your wedding badly enough, find a way to help.

I am a full-figured woman myself and know how difficult it can be to find a dress that makes a larger woman feel good about themselves.

Are there any items in your wedding that could stand to be cut/rearranged? Look at the budget, see if there's any place where you can be a little more lenient with the funds. Or ask your parents if they can offer any assistance. If it was such a big deal when she was made "just a bridesmaid" then maybe they'll help.

And please, use some proper capitalization and punctuation...reading that made me dizzy.

Licia&Wayne · September 2010

I think at that point I would just tell the bridal party members to wear a dress (any dress!) and I'll see you at the wedding.

Is a dress that important that you would rather lose your whole BP than have them not in that one specific dress? If you cannot help them pay for it, than just let them wear a dress they have or find a cheap one in a similar color and let it be.

Istremene · September 2010

I agree with Brooke.

vannymuse · September 2010

Pick a basic color, like black, and let them choose their own style of dress in whatever price range they can afford. They might even have one already. you can use your colors as an accents (shawls, sashes, bouquets, etc). My bridesmaids are doing this, but in red.

I think that would work better than dropping your whole wedding party over dresses.

aerinpegadrak · September 2010

When a couple of my girls were having trouble finding dresses (they only needed to wear black, but they're plus-sized and were on a budget, which is tricky), I told them that ultimately if they had nothing to wear to the wedding but their pajamas, we'd work with it. These are supposed to be your very closest friends, dropping them from their wedding because they can't afford your expensive dress is beyond shallow.

eshaufle · September 2010

I think if you're having trouble with sizes and money, a black dress would look the best. You'll still get the coordination it sounds like you're aiming for and you won't have people breaking the bank to buy a new dress (assuming they already own this type of dress) and they make black dresses in all shapes and sizes.

I'm not sure how expensive this dress you picked out was so I can't comment on whether it was unrealistic to ask them to buy it. It could have been really cheap for all we know.

eshaufle · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_only-one-bridesmaid-can-buy-her-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:4094d18c-c63b-46f3-8791-78102ca287dfPost:ca2840c0-9fee-4bc7-95d1-0c9384efba8b">Re: Only one bridesmaid can buy her dress...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Only one bridesmaid can buy her dress... : If the BMs can't afford it, it's too expensive. Period. This is an entirely subjective inquiry, not an objective one.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

There has to be some point where a friend is honest with herself on whether she can afford to be a bridesmaid before accepting the position though. It wouldn't be fair to the bride if her friend agreed to be in the wedding and then said that she only has $50 to her name. With how expensive weddings are, a bride doesn't have the money to pick up the tab for every bridesmaid and she shouldn't be expected to completely throw her vision for her wedding out the window because a friend wasn't honest with herself prior to these discussions.

bablingbrooke · September 2010

I don't think that's the case here. If one person isn't able to buy, I would agree. But we're talking over half the WP here. When more than one BM has the same problem, it's a bride-caused problem.

Her "vision" includes her friends up there, not random people in a special dress. My BMs picked their own dresses and color and I loved it--they looked fabulous. Didn't destroy my "vision" of the wedding. (Can you tell I dislike the term "vision"? Wedding industrial complex nonsense.) BM dresses are replaceable. Friends are not. Anyone who thinks otherwise seriously has her priorities out of whack. A BFF shouldn't be precluded from being in a wedding due to finances. No dress is worth that.

HaileyBirdsall · September 2010

Actually I did speak with my sister and friend about the budget they both came back with the same number $50 (what they could afford for a wedding gift). Thank you eshaufle. I have not selected anything but the colors and that the length be below the knee.

Licia&Wayne · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_only-one-bridesmaid-can-buy-her-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:4094d18c-c63b-46f3-8791-78102ca287dfPost:695a63e6-c221-4035-a0e9-8b363240a71e">Re: Only one bridesmaid can buy her dress...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Only one bridesmaid can buy her dress... : There has to be some point where a friend is honest with herself on whether she can afford to be a bridesmaid before accepting the position though. It wouldn't be fair to the bride if her friend agreed to be in the wedding and then said that she only has $50 to her name. With how expensive weddings are, a bride doesn't have the money to pick up the tab for every bridesmaid and she shouldn't be expected to completely throw her vision for her wedding out the window because a friend wasn't honest with herself prior to these discussions.
Posted by eshaufle[/QUOTE]

Situations change. That's what the OP pointed toward. But, if a wedding party is what it's supposed to be, that means those you are closest to are supposed to be in the WP even if they only have $50 to their names. Would you rather have the dress or the person standing next to you at your wedding?

I agree that people do have to assess whether they're up for the "commitment" of being in a WP, whether it is money or a life stability situation they're looking at, but situations do change, like the OP described. But I also think when situations like this emerge the people getting married need to look at themselves and say, "Which is more important: My friend/family in the WP or clothing."

bablingbrooke · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_only-one-bridesmaid-can-buy-her-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4094d18c-c63b-46f3-8791-78102ca287dfPost:eaf88051-2650-434b-ae48-5dc467278710">Re: Only one bridesmaid can buy her dress...</a>:
[QUOTE]Actually I did speak with my sister and friend about the budget they both came back with the same number $50 (what they could afford for a wedding gift). Thank you eshaufle. I have not selected anything but the colors and that the length be below the knee.
Posted by HaileyBirdsall[/QUOTE]
So why can't they go find a dress they like with those parameters? Sounds like that would solve the problem.

bablingbrooke · September 2010

Also, if $50 is too much for them, I find it hard to believe you can't find $100 in your wedding budget to divert to help them pay for the dresses so that they can stand up with you, if you insist they wear "BM" dresses.

eshaufle · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_only-one-bridesmaid-can-buy-her-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:4094d18c-c63b-46f3-8791-78102ca287dfPost:eaf88051-2650-434b-ae48-5dc467278710">Re: Only one bridesmaid can buy her dress...</a>:
[QUOTE]Actually I did speak with my sister and friend about the budget they both came back with the same number $50 (what they could afford for a wedding gift). Thank you eshaufle. I have not selected anything but the colors and that the length be below the knee.
Posted by HaileyBirdsall[/QUOTE]

Well then I commend you for working within the $50 budget in the first place. That's a very hard budget to stay within when you're looking for a nicer quality dress especially when you take into account that the up-charge alone for ordering a plus-sized dress is $50! Even though I would be just as upset as you, I stand by my previous advice...black dress. It should go with or at least not distract from the rest of your colors. Sorry this is happening to you!

HaileyBirdsall · September 2010

Licia&Wayne

I appreciate your comment

Is it more important for all to enjoy this experience sitting or standing or have the additional stress that this has/will cause. For my sister who is mortified to stand in front of people because of her weight and such, or have her relax and sit in the front smiling at me.Maybe I will have a VIP meeting and let them decide?When it all is said and done the only people we need up there are the groom, myself and that man of the cloth

Thank you all for your words on this subject.

trix1223 · September 2010

I'm with Licia's first post. I don't see why you don't just tell your friends to wear their favorite dress. Who cares if they're all the same color? Who cares if they're all the same style?

Won't you be just as married with your friends in dresses that they already have and feel comfortable in as you will with friends in new dresses that they can't afford and may not care for?

I would genuinely rejoice to see a wedding where WP attendants were simply told to wear what they wanted and stand with the bride.

AutumnFair · September 2010

My friend actually did Target dresses too for her wedding. They looked great, my mom couldn't believe they were from Target because they looked like any other BM dress.

Licia&Wayne · September 2010

Who knew that Target had bridesmaids dresses? You learn something new every day! Those are cute as a button and come in so many colors.

Robyn5298 · September 2010

Nikki - those Target dresses are adorable, thanks for sharing! I'm going to buy one for my rehearsal dinner. I only wish I had known about this before my girls bought their dresses!

mbcdefg · September 2010

I would try Marshall's or eBay. Or just tell them to wear whatever they have on hand.

If they really can't afford $50 for a dress, then I think the problem is bigger than them just having money issues.

If your sister really doesn't want to stand as a bridesmaid, then she will tell you. Otherwise I'd just say, "Please find a dress in X color, wherever you can" and leave it up to her.

If her only problem is standing up front and being in everyone's view, then she could walk down the aisle and then sit in the first row. This happened in my wedding ... the only people up front with us were the Best Man and MOH.

NikkiPSU · September 2010

Here's a website that carries plus size bridesmaid dresses... all are under $80

http://www.plus-size-bridal.com/Wholesale-simple-bridesmaid-dresses_c1260?productsort=3

jenn.daniel · September 2010

If all my girls like it, we're going to go with this $40 dress from Target:
http://www.target.com/Merona-Collection-Ingrid-Dress-Lush/dp/B003IDIK6W/ref=pd_ecc_rvi_1

It looks a lot better on my MOH that the model.

I'm purposefully looking for inexpensive dresses just in case a BM realizes she can't afford it. I can cover $40 for all of my girls (5), if I have to.

aerinpegadrak · September 2010

My older sister couldn't spare much for a bridesmaid dress because she'd just had a baby, so she wore a dress from Target for about $40. My younger sister found a David's Bridal dress at a thrift store for around $20. Another friend wore a black dress she already owned.

$50 may be very difficult for a bridesmaid dress, but not for a dress. Contrary to what the WIC would like you to believe, it doesn't have to be sold as a bridesmaid dress to function as one.

CaylaSummer · September 2010

hey everyone,

This may sound like a stupid question but when did the etiquette change in terms of the bride helping the BMs pay for their dresses. For some reason I have always thought that the BP is supposed to pay for the entire ensemble for the wedding when they agree to be a part of it. If the bride is giving the BP a year in advance given that the dress is around $ 150 more or less then is it fair for the bride to have to pay for their dresses on top of other expenses.

I know its ultimately about having your friends there but I'm just curious if this is a new thing.

Thanks...just a question...

HisPrettyPrincess · September 2010

I think the best solution is to have the girls pick out there own dresses, you just tell them the color and length. they can find some nice dresses at the mall, targetm kohls dress barn or even somewhere like burlington coat factory, that might work. I think this way they can spend whatever moeny they want to. I also think that if you could scale back on flowers or put money towards or buy there dresses as there bridal party gift. even if you have to have a yard sale I would find a way to help the girls. do what needs to be done to get to the solution that works best for you.

banana468 · September 2010

Cayla, I don't know that it's a new thing for the bride to assist her BMs.

She should ask them up front what they can afford and the only thing they should have to buy *is* the dress. The rest if required is up to the bride. BUT since they're doing this for the bride, if a friend has a serious money crunch, it's nice for the bride to say, "I'll take care of it."

ladydiy2004 · September 2010

Ok, really now nice for the bride to take care of it?? Now a days the bride and groom are paying for the whole wedding themselves now its NICE for the bride to pay for the BM dresses? I had the same problem with a BM who couldnt afford a dress but could afford to go out every weekend,camping,zoo,bars etc while I sat home trying to save money to pay for everything. This is what I have learned not from just this experience but from the past year of wedding planning people only have money for the things they want. And good grief many times I have mowed the neighbors lawn for a couple bucks or did some babysitting all the while working a full time job! I hear over and over on this site that all BM responsible for is to pay for the dress and show up for the wedding,now we are responsible to pay for their dress too? Like we dont already have so much to pay !

mattycam · September 2010

It would be nice if you could pay for their dresses but as someone paying for my own wedding, I understand if you cannot spare $150.00 for all three bridesmaid (plus possible accessories). As mentioned before, perhaps it is better to select a colour and have them choose their own dress.

DONE

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