Sister Issues

InfamousQBert · September 2009

I'm having a lot of trouble with my sister. When I'm not around, she tells everyone how much she loves my fiance and how great we are together. But, she & I have had a lot of tension over the last few years and she clams up and acts so cold whenever we're around. I asked her to be a bridesmaid over a year ago, when we first got engaged, but I'm having second thoughts now. My fiance doesn't like her because of the way she's acted every time they've met and doesn't trust her to be "good" at the wedding (she's basically ruined my last 3 birthday parties by acting so cold to all my friends). I'm not particularly happy with her either, but a) she's my sister, and b) I've already asked. What do I do?! How can I explain to her how I feel without making things worse?

kdcwedding · September 2009

Spend some time with her without focusing on your wedding - try to reconnect as family/friends. Maybe there are things going on in her life that she would appreciate talking to her sister about.

pumpkinpumpkin · September 2009

a) you can't kick her out of your BP b) try talking with her, calmly, explain to her that her actions are upsetting you. c) acting cold shouldn't = ruining a bday party. Just because she's cold with your friends doesn't really mean anything. Maybe she's not comfortable around them.

gkb0910 · September 2009

You can't unask her to be a BM unless you are okay with your relationship with her being ruined forever. Think about how you'd feel if the situation were reversed. My recommendation to you is to talk to her, but not about the wedding. Tell her you've noticed ____ (whatever reason you're not happy with her) and ask if something is going on. I'm not sure why her acting cold to your friends ruined your party or how she won't be "good" at the wedding. Perhaps she was uncomfortable because she doesn't know your friends or she thinks they don't like her (since you and your FI are concerned about her behavior). Also, in the future, please don't copy and paste text here. It makes it harder to read.

temerityjane · September 2009

It's your sister, not a stranger. Ask her what her deal is.

georgia_bride09 · September 2009

How old are both of you? You have birthday parties? You need to call her and ask her what her deal is. Remember that it's not her responsibility to be "good" at your wedding, but if you're worried about it, talk to her about it.

MissSarah786 · September 2009

My sister is rude, self-centered, a thief, and a punk teenager (she just turned 20). My parents didn't throw her a birthday party the last few years because she's rude to guests and she is no longer invited on family trips as the last one resulted her almost causing a car accident and really pissing off some tourists. But, she was my MOH. My mom thought it was a bad idea, Tim wasn't so sure, but I kept her there. She left early during the shower, wasn't at the bachelorette party, and didn't care about anything but her BM dress, which she loved. The day off, she was great. SHe held my bouquet, she smiled in every picture. She danced, laughed, and she had a beautiful, heart felt toast. I'm glad she was there for me. It will all work out, she's your sister and she will understand how important this day is to you. She can be kind for one day.

tidetravel · September 2009

Ditto KDC. Don't talk to her about wedding stuff. Make sure that you take the time to hang out with her/talk to her and be her sister.

InfamousQBert · September 2009

thanks for the replies.it's hard to explain, but when she's cold, it can freeze the whole room. it's made me and several of my friends (and my fiance) VERY uncomfortable in the past. and she's been outright rude to some of them when they've tried to engage her in conversation.i don't know. it's hard to talk to her because she thinks everything i do is selfish and that i never consider the rest of the family. you guys are probably right, but i just don't know how to broach the topic without making it worse. the last time i tried was a disaster. when i asked her to be in the BP, we were in an upswing and i was being optimistic. now i just wish i hadn't said anything.

ac_in_dc · September 2009

You can't control someone else's behavior, but you can control your own. If all else fails, be polite to your sister and inclusive on your wedding day, but focus on the members of your BP that will keep you calm and collected. If you don't let her shenanigans get to you, they won't get to anyone else.

lyndausvi · September 2009

If she is your sister she is going to be at the wedding regardless. So I'm not sure how her being cold to your friends is going to change anything. In my experience most siblings are still around for pictures and stuff so Im not sure how not being the wedding will change her being around. But kicking her out may cause more issues than it's worth.

duckie1905 · September 2009

If she is your sister she is going to be at the wedding regardless. So I'm not sure how her being cold to your friends is going to change anything. I was thinking this too.She's your sister. Ask her what is going on. You might be surprised to find out that there is a lot you have missed while wedding planning.As for being cold, maybe she dislikes your friends and would rather not be around them.

thunderclouddustball · September 2009

By uninviting your sister you may not only make her upset but your entire family. Best to just suck it up. I would give her minimal social time. If she bails early on the shower or rehearsal so be it. Do not make her feel she has to be in a situation where she has to play hostess or socialize. Is there someone who can "watch over" her to get her out of sticky situations, such as your mom?

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