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Way to accept father's money, but not all of it?

Bay21Bay21
100 Comments
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
My dear father is insisting that he pay for fiance and I's wedding. We are letting him do this because we know how much it would mean to our families for us to have an actual wedding and not just elope; especially to mine since they have been through quite a few bad things in the past few years and really could use this happiness.

My father has finally told me the amount that he has to spend: holy.crap. 
It is way more than fiance and I ever want to spend on something, other than spending more on a house.

We are thinking of either being straight-forward with him saying "we thank you profusely, but we only intend to spend X amount," or just setting a budget between the two of us and trying to spend under or about that without telling my father. 

I feel that we should be up front with him, but I know that if we do that we get down to planning he'll always be saying "hunny you can spend more than that" etc etc and ride me a bit about being so "cheap" with my choices. 

I also realize that my wedding is still kind far out but both my fiance and I have kinda been brooding on this, and since money is the one thing that needs to be settled before we do anything, we kind of want to just get this settled.

Thank you ladies :)
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Re: Way to accept father's money, but not all of it?

  • IrishcurlsIrishcurls member
    1000 Comments
    My dad gave us a number (though with the upfront disclaimer of spending none of it and banking it, or spending more and figuring it out on our own) and we worked it out from there. I don't know how old you are, but we chose and paid for everything ourselves, just with mostly my dad's money that he had given us. So he really doesn't know how we spent it. Choose what you want, spend what you do and either he doesn't give you as much, or you spend more than you think (all this shizz adds up). I wouldn't come back at him with any type of conversation yet, wait until you actually start spending it and see how it goes. He can't MAKE you spend money you don't intend to.
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  • mica178mica178 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_way-to-accept-fathers-money-but-not-all-of-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e213a174-8001-4259-88de-d7153209450fPost:ce8996e3-ac02-4f7b-bd75-c3e83f25ddf2">Re: Way to accept father's money, but not all of it?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I was in a similar position.  We used what we wanted for the wedding and are saving the rest for a down payment. Maybe your dad would like that idea?
    Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

    This.  My parents were fine with this.  They just made sure that I hosted everyone properly, but they didn't require an outlandish reception to use up my whole budget.
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  • HilraythebrideHilraythebride member
    500 Comments
    My FIs parents are fully funding our wedding and he basically said we could do whatever we wanted with it.  We could elope and he still would give us this money.  We decided to have a tradtional wedding and reception.  We both thought it would be more than enough but stuff really adds up fast!

    Also, I was just curious as to the long engagement.  I know my FI and I didn't even start planning the wedding until September because we wanted a summer wedding and really didn't want to rush it in a few months si thats why we waited.  Sometimes its a money issue, but that doesn't seem to be the case here.  Are you waiting for a special date?
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  • LoopysevenLoopyseven member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 5 Love Its
    Find out if your dad is going to give you X amount to do as you wish with, or if he just wants the bills as you get them.  You can't be forced to spend more than you want to.
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  • HockeyFan4HockeyFan4 member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary Combo Breaker
    I know most people will say get the money up front/don't plan on money until its in your hands....but... 

    My parents generously offered to pay for our wedding.  My father refused to give me a number and just kept saying "I know you are reasonable."  The only limit he gave me was for my dress, and it was more like "I was thinking about this much for your dress"....and I spent about 4000 less than his limit.  I just talked to him as things came up..."Dad, this is the photag i really like, she costs X, is that along the lines of what you think is ok"...and i bought a lot of stuff on my own, because it was important to me that I contributed to the cost of the wedding as well.

    I think you won't have a problem spending less than your father's amount if you do it this way.  They might decide to give you the extra as a gift, or they might just be happy you spent less than they offered. :)
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  • gananoquegananoque
    100 Comments
    Likely he is giving you the max amount for your budget. And I think you've received great advice from brides reminding you how stuff really does add up unexpectedly! Plus, maybe you can incorporate his generous gift into your honeymoon fund as well and maybe go somewhere a little more extravagant than originally planned?

    With him footing the bill so generously, it's possible that he might also have a few ideas of friends and family he would like included on the guest list. So when all's said and done you might end up with a larger guest list than you are invisioning today. I know it seems like you two have it all figured out and decided but trust me, almost every bride I know (myself included) makes some huge changes along the way. It's one thing to sort of imagine your wedding in theory long before it happens, but when it comes down to it, stuff can change.

    So I agree that you shouldn't start getting into the budgetary nitty-gritty just yet. Thank him for his generosity and begin planning the wedding you want (keeping in mind that with his major contribution you might need to keep his desires in mind a bit too). Who knows? Maybe you'll end up finding a dress a couple thousand dollars beyond what you ever would have imagined paying and his offer with enable you to splurge on this special treat? Just don't jump the gun here!
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  • Bay21Bay21
    100 Comments
    wow thank you all :)

    I am obviously not going to start doing serious planning (aka booking anything) for a while, so I do plan to kind of let it go for now. 

    When the time comes I'm probably going to to see how he want's to work everything, bills as they come or if he's just going to give us the money to spend. I like the idea of approaching him as the cost's come up to though, because that way he stays informed about it either way and I can be sure that my fiance and I are keeping track as well as my dad (along with him feeling some-what involved). I also think this would avoid the "why don't you spend more?" pushing he would do.

    Thank you all for the thoughts :)
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