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Moms and Maids
Need perspective on parents and guestlists
Hi everyone- I'm hoping some of you parents can give me a little perspective on my situation since I'm really trying my best to understand where my parents are coming from and apparently failing. Let me explain (sorry- this will be long). I'm the first person in my family to have a "real" wedding (as opposed to the shot-gun variety or the Vegas special), so they have no clue what they're doing or what it's like to be in my shoes. I think they partly feel that this is their opportunity for not having weddings of their own. Problem is, everyone is paying for something, so they all feel they have claim to the guest list. The original plan was to keep the wedding tab small- which was doable as long as we kept the guest list as small as possible. We all agreed on a total of 150- no bigger- and everyone agreed to contribute what they could. Considering that everyone had over a year to come up with the money, everyone agreed that it was no problem. Except for my FILs who refused to discuss the subject. It should be noted, though, that his parents are in the best situation, financially, and are far, FAR better off than my family. But whatever, we adjusted the total and did the best we could. My mom paid $1500 for the reception center- which holds 150 people- and the ceremony site and an additional $500 for some of the decorations, the flower girl's dress, and her own dress. I don't want her to pay more. She's not in the best situation financially and I know she needs the money for other things. My dad and step mom offered to pay for the catering, my step grandma is paying for the cake, my grandma bought my dress, and my great grandma gave me $1000 for whatever I needed. Problem is, since everyone is chipping in, everyone feels that they should be able to invite whomever they want. And I'm not talking family- I'm talking their co-workers and business associates because they want to show off. But I couldn't afford it without them, so I had to let them do it. So we all sat down and agreed on a couple of ground rules:1. we had to be strict on the number invited. If we invited one of their friends and her husband, they couldn't bring their kids or other "extras." 2. if you added someone to the list, you were responsable for tracking down their RSVP or doing any other follow-up that needed to be done. 3. no kids, except for family. Everyone agreed, and we moved right along. I found a place that'll cater for $20 a head. Not cheap, but not bad either considering that it is a full meal. In any case, it was the cheapest I could find for the quality and I don't see any sense in eating gross food (and paying the price for good food). It should be noted that my dad and step mom came with me to the consultation and were the ones who decided to go ahead and hire the caterer. The catererer will need a very accurate headcount. If we count on too many, we'll pay for meals that won't be eaten (State law doesn't allow them to send us home with any leftovers, so they'll just be thrown away). If we count on too few, we'll get charged a premium rate for any that show up after the number we provided them. They won't just stop serving after so many guests have shown up - they said that reflects poorly on them and could potentially damage their word-of-mouth business. So the only way we can make sure that we stay on budget is to be very accurate with the guest list. Again, everyone agreed. My fiance and I just had to cut some of our friends and some of the more distant cousins to make up the difference. So the invitations were sent out. Then we found out that family from out of town don't want to pay for a hotel room and will be staying with family that live here- so we had to invite them. Then my dad decided that he had to invite three more friends and gave them invites before approving them through me. Then my step-grandma got mad that we didn't invite her friends and threatened not to pay the cake baker. And so on and so forth. So the number of invites climbed to about 200, and at this point it was too late to trim the list- the invites were out. I was freaking out- after all, we only had the money and the room for 150. So I reiterated- we had to be strict on the RSVPs, not assume anyone was or wasn't coming. We had to call. We had to tell them we couldn't fit their "extras." My dad and grandma said I was being rude. That we couldn't call anyone. That I was being selfish and it "would all work out"- that only half of the people would even show up. I tried pleading with them, I tried reasoning with them, I even got to the point where I cried and begged for them to help me out. Not surprisingly, my dad's friends have all RSVP'd with extras and he refuses to call them and explain the situation. One of his clients - who I've never even met - is bringing two extras - his son and his son's fiance. He said it would be good for them to get ideas about weddings for their wedding in January. My dad won't tell them no because they're invited to their wedding so he thinks it breaks even - but hello, my fiance and I aren't invited to their wedding! So we pay for four of them and they pay for just the two of them. Yeah, that's even! His other friend is bringing their little girl even though we said no kids. And a third is bringing two of their friends. He won't even call and see who these people are that they're bringing! To make things worse, they told me that with the downturn in the economy my dad's business has gone down 50% and they won't be able to contribute as much as they thought they would. Apparently they hadn't saved one dime this past year in preparation for the wedding. They even gave me a guilt trip over the amount they are paying! Every time the subject comes up, they remind me how they need new windows (they currently have single pane), but "that can wait one more year...I guess we'll be okay with plastic sheeting this winter." Oh, and they also complain about how we had to make the guest list so tight they can't even invite my step-mom's uncles. So here we are with two weeks left and a guest list of 174! My fiance's parents have finally offered to chip in (at the one month mark out of a 16 month engagement, none the less), so we should be okay money wise, but the reception center only holds 150! And I can't even fit enough tables in there for that amount! I tried telling them that we don't have the capacity for all these people and- are you ready for this- they said that people can wait outside (in Utah, in October, at night..brr..) until space clears up inside. Seriously. So telling someone they can't bring their friends is rude, but making people stand around outside isn't. I just spoke to my step mom, hoping that she'd talks some reason into my dad, and she just reiterated what my dad said. Worse yet, they want me to come over tonight because, in her words, "you're not the only one who's stressed about this." I'm at my wits end! I don't know how I'm going to get through these next two weeks. Does anyone out there have any words of wisdom that will help me understand my parents a little better so I can get through this?
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Re: Need perspective on parents and guestlists