Help! My brother is going to ruin my wedding!!

Budnotes · October 2009

My fiance' is not close with my brother so he chose not to have him in the wedding party. I was fine with that. We decided to ask my brother to light the unity candle for the bride's family since both my parents were deceased. Now he's giving me a hard time about how he doesn't want to walk down the aisle with my in-laws since he doesn't know them and he doesn't want to walk down alone. He's going to walk in with the maid of honor who's our cousin?????? HELLO!!!!!!! I keep trying to tell him how the procession needs to go and he keeps TELLING me how he's going to walk in. Now he's not responding at all to my calls or text messages and I'm very concerned that he's going to make a huge scene and end up ruining my wedding.Any thoughts on the best way to handle this? Oh yeah, by the way - he's a completely narcissistic, selfish individual and although it's my wedding - it's all about him. He will not give in and it has to be his way or the highway. Again, any advice would be greatly appreciated. If not - a huge thanks to you Knotties for letting me vent!!!!!

lauralaur · October 2009

He wants to walk in with the MOH instead of by himself? Were you planning to have the MOH walk with someone else? If not, I would honestly just let him walk with her. If it will keep him from causing a scene, I personally think it's something very minor to relinquish to him. I would let it go and just have him walk with her. If you're really set on it going a certain way, tell him to grow up and that it will be done a certain way; if he doesn't like that then he does not have to be a part of the wedding if he does not want to.

bablingbrooke · October 2009

The only way one person's behavior can ruin your wedding is if that one person is your FI and his behavior is not showing up. I get your concern but I think you're being a tad melodramatic. Unless your wedding is next week, why on earth are you talking about the processional order now? Why not just let him walk in with the MOH? What is the harm in that? I'm all for not bending to obnoxious people, but I equally believe it's unwise to give unstable people a motive for acting out.

banana468 · October 2009

It's important that you consider his feelings but that you don't give into demands.That may mean doing something like seating him with the BP so he'll be more comfortable or not even having him in the processional at all so as not to make him uncomfortable.However with that also means that you don't allow his narcissistic behavior to dictate what your wedding will be. If he threatens to not attend then call him on it. It would be truly unfortunate if HE made the choice to not attend his own sister's wedding because she didn't give into his demands regarding a procession or seating arrangement.

Budnotes · October 2009

Thanks everyone. My wedding is about 4 weeks away, but the church wedding coordinator has already scheduled a meeting and the processional order has already been decided. My brother is not wearing a tuxedo, but he wants to walk in with the maid of honor. I think it's going to look pretty stupid for him to be in a suit and everyone else is in tuxes. He doesn't want to get a tux. The maid of honor is walking in with the best man.

bablingbrooke · October 2009

I assure you no one will scrutinize whether he's wearing a suit or a tux.

gottahavashorti · October 2009

While it does sound like he's being a pain, he could be genuinely uncomfortable walking down the aisle alone or with someone he doesn't know. Is there a reason that he needs to be in the processional? He could be seated in the first row and get up for the lighting of the unity candle, or escort a grandparent to their seat prior to the processional and take his seat then.

Leah&Christian09 · October 2009

I don't get why this is such a big deal. If it's that big of a deal to him, would it kill you to let him walk in with the MOH?

stilettos_and_sippys · October 2009

I totally understand not wanting to give into some one who's acting like a total brat... that only makes things worse. However, I think that if you truly believe he's going to cause a scene then I'd just let him walk down with your MOH... honestly no one is going to be watching them... they'll be waiting for you! Maybe he's a little hurt he's not in his sister's wedding. BUT think of it this way... he won't even be in any of the wedding party photos so maybe if you just give in to this one little thing it'll keep him quiet. Good luck hun, it'll all work out

dsouldiva · October 2009

He does sound like a royal PITA but on the other hand the sky won't fall in if he walks down the aisle in a suit with the MOH.I would alleviate a lot of stress and arguing and let him do what he wants to do for the sake of peace and quiet.

BelhurstBride · October 2009

I don't get why this is such a big deal. If it's that big of a deal to him, would it kill you to let him walk in with the MOH? Exactly what I was going to say. And I really think you're being over dramatic on this one. It really doesn't have to be a big deal.

stilettos_and_sippys · October 2009

I don't think you're being over dramatic... i just think you want everything to work out... no one wants a scene at their wedding. But I don't think this is worth you letting yourself get stressed out or worried either....

hydrangea082010 · October 2009

I guess I'm in the minority here, but I think Budnotes needs to stand her ground. I am possibly empathizing with her because I also have a sister who is a drama queen and manages to somehow make everything about her . . . but I digress. In these situations, it seems the bride is always the one expected to give in (or be labeled a BZ). Everyone is quick to label her "melodramatic" and quick to tell her how small a concession this will be, but this swings the other way. Why can't brother just take the 2 minutes out of his entire life to walk in when he's told? It's not a 3 day vacation, it's not an expensive BM dress he has to buy, it's a 2 minute walk down a church aisle. Puh-lease! It's his sister's wedding and he cannot simply do the very simple task asked of him for her sake if nothing else? It is, also, a small concession. Why is it have to be on her to "assuage his discomfort"? There is nothing to be uncomfortable about! And perhaps this isn't the end of the world, but I can understand the frustration of someone TELLING a bride "this is what I'm doing no matter what you like." People are quick to tell her "it's no big deal" but can't someone tell this brother "it's no big deal who you walk with, can't you just get yourself up there and do it without a tantrum?" What you need to do is not single him out (stop calling and texting - you're making this a discussion and he's seeing you squrim - exactly what he wants). One last GROUP reminder - the rehersal is an appropriate place. Have the planner or whoever will be orchestrating the rehersal go over the list order again. If he says something, have this planner or one of your parents (where are they in all this?) tell him that this is how it's to be done. Then no more discussion. That feeds it. No talk of tuxes and best man - "this is where you walk in. If you don't want to do the candle anymore, I understand." (If you let then planner in on this situation, she might be able to be in the back with you guys on wedding day and can "nudge" him forward - or physically restrain him - at the appropriate time). On wedding day if he somehow sneaks to the back and grabs the MOHs arm and walks in - - - then let it go then. But you're not being unerasonable now. And if it DOES happen, no one will mind or likely notice. People WILL notice if you're scowling during your entrance or there's a fist fight during the processional!

bablingbrooke · October 2009

No one is saying that you must give in to everyone or else you're a bridezilla. The key is to pick your battles. My thinking is that it isn't the end of the world to just let her brother walk with the MOH if it means that drama will be avoided. Is he being ridiculous? Yes. But it's not worth a fight. She'll enjoy her wedding so much more if she gives up little things like this. It's not like she'll even see the procession anyway, since she comes in last. Guests will just think "Oh, there's Bud's brother with the MOH. Don't they look nice." And then turn their heads around for her to walk in. I mean it just isn't a big deal. So why make it one?

dsouldiva · October 2009

I don't think the OP is being a bridezilla at all and I don't think she is in the wrong, I just think a lots of stress can be avoided by giving in to the brother and letting him have his way, if not just to shut him up and avoid drama at her wedding.Because if he kicks off at the wedding the focus certainly won't be on the bride and groom anymore.My advice: Choose the path of least resistance!

hydrangea082010 · October 2009

Well those are very valid points and I totally get where you're coming from now. I agree, it would be rediculous to allow this to ruin her mood on her wedding day. But her brother is defintely acting like a tool . . . .

Budnotes · October 2009

Thanks everybody. Thank you especially Hydrangea - you completely understand where I'm at! Both of my parents are deceased so there's nobody to give my brother the swift kick you know where! My fiance' and I decided it wasn't worth all of the aggravation, so we told him he will step down and that we have made alternative arrangements. I don't need the drama and stress. And more than anything, it's MY wedding (not trying to be a BZ), but as Hydrangea has said - why am I the one that has to give in - why can't he just do what he is asked. So - he's not doing anything now. It's done and I'm perfectly happy with the decision! I appreciate everyone's advice and for letting me vent!

bablingbrooke · October 2009

I hope that this doesn't' come back to haunt you. Kicking siblings out of weddings has been known to do that.

banana468 · October 2009

Please be careful with your decision.When you tell someone that he's stepping down, he's not stepping down. He's "falling from grace." Only you know your brother and if that relationship with him is worth it. My father has a brother that he doesn't speak to and he's OK with it. If however you two are normally close, I think you have to expect that he'll use your actions against you.

Budnotes · October 2009

There have been a number of other personal issues that have gone on between my brother and I. Trust me - this forum is not the place to even get started on that!!! He is the type of person who never does anything wrong and he blames me for anything and everything he can. He degrades me, he is condescending to me. I was trying to do the right thing by including him. Clearly it is too much of an issue for him and I don't need the stress. I didn't uninvite him to the wedding, just had him not do the candle lighting. After the wedding, we probably won't have any relationship at all - by his choosing. So, once I'm through the wedding - I don't have to deal with him anymore. Trust me - this one won't come back to haunt me! But thanks for your concern! I really appreciate it.

gottahavashorti · October 2009

I'm still confused as to why it was so important for him to walk down the aisle in order to light the candle. Yes, he was being unreasonable but kicking him out also seems a bit extreme. Hopefully your decision won't cause him to be more melodramatic at the ceremony. Hydrangea seemed to change her opinion after hearing out other posters' reasoning.

banana468 · October 2009

It's a matter of how you expect your relationship with that person to be after the wedding.This is why it's often advocated to NOT kick someone out of the wedding - as doing so is such a slight that it does serious damage to the relationship.If however you're saying that you're done with the relationship then you're prepared for the consequences of those actions. I can't say if those actions are 'right' or 'wrong' but it does sound like you're prepared for any harsh behvior from your brother.

Leah&Christian09 · October 2009

Wow. Kicking him out of the wedding was the opposite of the right thing to do. I get that he was being obnoxious about this, but wow, talk about an over-reaction! He may not be the best brother in the world, but one day you are going to look back at this and realize how silly of an issue this was. I hope that you aren't regretting kicking your brother out of your life over such a small issue. I know you say there are other issues, but if you are making this big of a deal over this tiny issue, somehow I doubt they are that they are huge issues either.

bablingbrooke · October 2009

Sounds like you know what you're doing. Best of luck!

hydrangea082010 · October 2009

I'm sorry to hear about your parents - I wouldn't have asked that question so flippantly if I knew and I didn't mean to be insensitive. I imagine you're feeling their absence quite a bit while wedding planning. With that said, could your brother's behavior be chalked up to this as well? Maybe he's feeling their absence - to be honest, I think having him not more involved in the first place sounded a little off. My friend's father passed away years before her wedding and her brother escorted her down the aisle. There's got to be some way for him to be involved without requiring him to be in the processional. Can he do a reading in memory of your parents or say grace before dinner or something? I know you said you're not close now, but add me to the list of those concerned that you will regret this decision after the stress and emotional upheaval of these last 4 weeks is over.

Budnotes · October 2009

Thanks again everybody - but I'm fine with the decision that has been made. There are many of you who feel I was wrong and I overreacted and that's fine. It's difficult to understand when you don't know all of the circumstances. Everything else I asked my brother to do - he gave me a hard time about. I said - ok, never mind and moved on. I thought this was the simplest, easiest way to include him since he was limiting what I could have him do and he turned it into "it's all about me" and "I'm going to TELL you what I'm going to do at your wedding whether you like it or not." This is how he operates and he always gets his way. This is MY wedding, not his. If he cannot grow up and bite the bullet for 2 freakin' minutes to do what is asked of him, then forget it. I don't need the drama and stress of dealing with issues the night before my wedding at the rehearsal and then being all uptight about it again the morning of my wedding. My brother was not a part of my life for over 3 years. He came back into my life when my mother was killed in a car accident. My father recently passed away from cancer and he is going right back to how things were before my mom died. I don't know how else to describe it. It's very easy to say I'm being unreasonable and I need to consider his feelings, however, for most of my adult life he has NEVER ONCE considered mine. I have ALWAYS done the right thing and ALWAYS ended up hurt or screwed. I'm kinda sick of it - and I want my wedding to be special - not again having to give in to my brother's demands. Let him go manipulate somebody else. Yes, we all have regrets in life, but I have done far too many good things and gotten hurt to let this one thing become a regret. I need to do what is best for me and for once not feel guilty about it!

Help! My brother is going to ruin my wedding!!

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