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FI's BIG MOUTH - Vent! (long)

suzannepdcsuzannepdc member
Knottie Warrior 100 Comments Combo Breaker
in Destination Weddings Discussions
So, we are still trying to nail down the location of our wedding, but are 75% sure that we are doing it in Mexico.  We have realized that it is kind of a pain to get offiically married in Mexico, so we might do it in symbolically there and do it officially before or after Mexico.  (We had a disagreement about pre or post Mexico, so we figured we could discuss once we needed to actually have the conversation.) Anyway, during this conversation, I say that I do not want anyone to know that wedding in Mexico is not the legal ceremony b/c that's our wedding and when we make the commitment to each other, etc.  So I just get off the phone with FI who had just spoken to his mother about the location, etc. and mentions well, Mom thinks it would be easier for us to go someplace for the weekend before Mexico.  Um, what?  WHY are you having this conversation with her?  First, my FILs are fantastic, but I could care less what they think about how hard or easy it is to get married in Mexico.   More importantly, FI hardly tells them anything about the wedding (whereas my family gets pretty regular updates), but feels the need to discuss this?!?!  So, he tells me that he'll just lie to his Mom - well, dude, you already had this conversation with her and she's not stupid, she's going to know.AGH!  He just drives me crazy sometimes!!!Thanks for letting me vent!
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Re: FI's BIG MOUTH - Vent! (long)

  • carrieoz_76carrieoz_76 member
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    I would encourage you not to keep a legal marriage a secret from your guests, and especially not to lie about it or otherwise be deceptive. I attended a family member's wedding a few years ago and later found out that the bride and groom were already married, and I was pissed. It still makes me a little mad, years later. People who travel to Mexico with you will understand that a legal marriage here followed by a full-blown ceremony in Mexico is a practical necessity. They won't understand if they find out that you were deceptive about what you did.
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  • sarlahsarlah
    500 Comments
    I'm kind of in the same boat as you, except I was the one who didn't think it would be a big deal. My family totally sees the point and agrees on it. FIL's on the other hand are driving me f@!king nuts about it. FMIL and FFIL keep changing their minds about it or something... and they keep forgetting the discussions we've had about it where we all seem to agree on it. They've gone so far as to call our wedding in Mexico "not a real wedding". I'm sorry but if I had it to do over again I would absolutely not have told them. Hindsight is 20/20. We are doing it here legally before we go to Mexico, but we're doing it in December, like a month before we leave. FI's ordained aunt is going to simply sign the papers, there will be no exchange of vows.
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  • Future.Mrs.H.Future.Mrs.H.
    500 Comments
    I had my legal marriage already and our families know that we are making it legal in the states, because we can't in France due to residency requirements. But we did not tell them when we did it. It was just a piece of paperwork. Nothing special, nothing sentimental, we went signed it, no vows no nothing. I don't think anyone has to know that we are recognized as a married in the State of CO. That was not our wedding...it was just legal stuff for tax and insurance purposes.Our wedding is the day I put on my pretty dress, walk down the aisle and say my vows to the man I'm going to share the rest of my life with...no the day I go to the detention facility talk to a judge, sign a paper and take a plane in the afternoon to go to work 1,700 miles away from Nick.My sister did the same thing I did...she got legally married in NJ, but her wedding was in PR and my best friend did this too, he had to because he is on the military and he was gonna get moved. They signed the papers almos a year before their big wedding in PR...nobody knos about it except for a very few people and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. A paper doesn't make a marriage. If you believe it does; ask the thousands of people that get "married" for a visa if it really counts.
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  • nubiannqweennubiannqween
    500 Comments
    I don't agree or disagree with keeping your legal marriage ceremony a secret...but what I got from your post is that you aren't happy your FI had a big mouth. How I deal with my FI (he is a talker), is if there is something I want him to keep between us and not be repeated, I tell him. "LOCK THIS IN THE VAULT!" and he gets it. Sometime, you just have to make it very clear that its a conversation/discussion involving just you two.
    ~Tamara

    ~Planning Bio ~ Married Bio ~ Blissful In Michigan~

    018_18

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  • carrieoz_76carrieoz_76 member
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    Sarah - I just wanted to clarify that I don't have a problem with the necessity of a legal marriage here and the big wedding ceremony at a later date. I've also been to weddings like this, and people were fine with it - they understood. The reason I encouraged you not to lie about it or be deceptive is that I didn't like feeling like I'd been lied to about what was going on with my family member, which is a different issue. Anyhoo, re your FI, is it possible that he doesn't want to keep it a secret, since he told his mom? Maybe you need to chat about how he wants to handle the legal marriage here if that's the case. If this becomes a really big issue, can you reconsider the Mexico wedding and instead look into getting married somewhere that you wouldn't have to do this? This part is between you two, of course, but it's a thought. Or... he just forgot. They do that. :)
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  • sarlahsarlah
    500 Comments
    Carrie - I definitely understand your point, I was really just telling my own personal experience with this. Unfortunately my FIL's aren't mature enough to "handle the truth!" (how cheesy is that line? lol) I definitely don't want to lie or mislead our friends/family, but in some cases certain things are better left unsaid. Each family is different.
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  • suzannepdcsuzannepdc member
    Knottie Warrior 100 Comments Combo Breaker
    Thanks for listening!  We haven't really figured out what we are going to do about the legal marriage - which is what I was mad about - it was something that he and I need to decide on - i.e., do it Mexico, pre/post weddign, tell anyone, etc. and I was just annoyed that he said something to his Mom after I told him I didn't want anyone to know.  I just have to be more careful about spelling it out to him.  Just drives me crazy! :)  But if it wasn't that, I know it would be something else!!
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