HELP! Including disabled brother.

Cait2012 · October 2009

My fiancee's brother has a disability and has about the same mobility as an elderly person (walks, but slowly and precariously), and is at about the same cognitive/communicative level of a 15 year old. He also does not like anything difficult or out of the ordinary and can get pretty grumpy when he isn't comfortable. I love him dearly and want him to be involved in our wedding in some capacity. My fiancee immediately listed him as a groomsman, as the rest of our siblings will be asked to be in the bridal party, but I have some concerns about him being so involved. Firstly, if he is in the wedding party, he will be separated from his parents and girlfriend whom he prefers to be with, and relies on for support and assistance; rather than all of our friends who would be happy to help, but whom he isn't comfortable around. He doesn't like parties, loud music, drinking, standing for long periods, or people he doesn't know... Secondly, my fiancee and I are very adventurous and I've always dreamed of having wedding photos taken in nature, with action shots. I imagine a huge stress arising over getting him around safely, and I don't want to create a production when I want a "running and jumping" shot and make him feel excluded, nor do I want him to stand out in all of our photos for doing something different. I want our wedding to be all about us, and I don't want my fiancee to spend our whole big day worrying about his brother. I feel terrible for not wanting him in the wedding party but I just want the day to go stress-free for my fiancee and I, and for us to have our minds on eachother. Help!! Is it horrible of me to not include him in the wedding party?? Is there a way we can include him in the ceremony/reception and make him feel special in another way? I don't want him to feel left out, I want him to know he's important to us without making him the central focus of our wedding.

ck9586 · October 2009

Would he be okay simply walking the aisle, hugging his brother and then sitting with his parents? maybe you could stop and give him a hug? As for photos, let him decide what he wants to do. He might be okay in some and not in others. It sounds like if he's pushed there will be a problem, but if he's not in them at all, it would be a glaring issue when the two of you look at your pictures later. maybe simply a photo of the two of you and him? Parents, girlfriend?

nefariousmoon · October 2009

Well you said "girlfriend whom he prefers to be with, and relies on for support and assistance" So why don't you have her walk with him down the aisle...have him stand until you walk down the aisle, and then he and his girlfriend can sit down so he does not have to stand for a long time... For the music situation...it may sound silly but have a mp3 player he can listen to if he gets uncomfortable, or ear muffs, or ear plugs, or better yet try to make sure you have an area that is much quieter then the rest of the party he can escape to if need be. Photos: you say nature shots...well what if you have him and the rest of the group walking/running or peacking out of some bushes? Or think about what he likes to do and try to incorperate that into some of the shots.... you could do some of the party blowing bubbles and the rest chasing after them... that would give action but allow him to just stand and blow the bubbles....

trix1223 · October 2009

I'm sure you didn't mean it the way it came out, but this really sounds like you care more about your pictures than you do about your FBIL. You've gotten some good advice from other posters, but I also have to tell you that your FIs WP is his to choose. If he wants his brother in his WP, then his brother is in his WP, whether he can participate in the "action nature photos" or not. Really, what will be the downside if he's not in some of the 2,000 photos taken on the day of your wedding? What will be the downside if he comes down the aisle and then goes and sits with the rest of the guests during the ceremony? What will be the downside if he sits with his gf and family during the reception rather than dance and party? And......your wedding day WILL NOT -should not- be about you and your FI having your minds only on each other all day. You'll be thinking, or you should be, about your friends, your family, the other members of your WP, your guests. I think including all of your other siblings in the WP and not this one sibling sends a pretty clear message about where your priorities are.

ffmaid · October 2009

Hi is your Fi's brother. If Fi wants him to be a groomsman you have no right and would be quite the jerk to refuse to allow fi's brother to be a groomsman. If he can walk slowly then he can walk down the aisle slowly and sit at the front with all teh other groomsmen. There is no reason the WP has to stand during the ceremoney and they often sit in teh front row Second. If you prioritize a photo over your FBIL you shoudl reconsider getting married into this family. Save the run and jump photo for just you and FI or skip it. You get no say in groomsmen although maybe you should tell this to your FI so he knows that he is getting married to a woman who thinks one photo matters more then his brother and his family.

ck9586 · October 2009

You know, looking back over this, and seeing the new posts, I have to sort of rethink my answer. I still think the ideas are good, and so are the others--especially the MP3 player. . Help!! Is it horrible of me to not include him in the wedding party?? Is there a way we can include him in the ceremony/reception and make him feel special in another way? I don't want him to feel left out, I want him to know he's important to us without making him the central focus of our wedding.Reading over that last paragraph in your post makes me think you're NOT being a bridezilla but I do agree with the other posters that you're kind of stuck. Simply let him do what he's comfortable with. Actually, since he's a groomsman and your FI's brother, you shouldn't have anything to do with it. Best of luck

Pirata13 · October 2009

If your FI wants him in, he should be in. And in most cases, the men don't have to walk down the aisle til after (unless they are ushering, which he could sit out if he doesn't want to do it) so that shouldn't be an issue. Clearly your FI has faith that he and his family can work with him to make it comfortable for everyone. And I'm not sure what you mean by action shots in nature but please really think about what you ask your BP to do as far as this goes. At my friend's wedding we did a couple shots where everyone jumped in the air--it's great. But one of my best friends was in her brother's wedding and the bride made the whole BP go to 4 different locations all over for pictures including one where they had to climb up a gigantic hill. My friend's shoes are ruined from the mud, not to mention the logistics of girls in full length dresses & guys in tuxes and dress shoes trudging up the hill. So consider a couple action shots with your BP but maybe save most of the action shots for you and FI.

phoeny_moonstar · October 2009

I think your Fi should get to pick who is on his side of the WP. I think it's b!tchy of you to not want to include someone who is special to your Fi.

amferber · October 2009

I have a sister with a disability who will be in my wedding party and I do believe you are being completely insensitive to your fiance. My sister will be accompanied by my brother and will stand next to one of my bridesmaids who she has known her entire life. If my fiance EVER asked me not to have my sister in my wedding, I would reconsider marrying him, as my sister is part of my family. If you want to be in his family, I suggest you think more carefully about excluding his brother from the wedding ceremony and photographs. There are plenty of ways to include his brother without excluding him for YOUR own personal reasons. Take the action pictures of just you and your fiance. Include his brother in everything else. Provide a chair for him to sit in during the ceremony and items that are relaxing to him, such as an MP3 player. His parents will be right in the front row for him to see and comfort him. and I would also seat his girlfriend there as well. Have his parents save him space to sit in just in case the situation goes awry. If your fiance sees his brother as an important part of his life, then you should too!

Cait2012 · October 2009

I haven't meant at all to be "bitchy" or "insensitive". I thought I made it clear how much he means to me and how important it is that he is recognized and feels special in our wedding. I didn't think it would be okay to have him "partly" in the wp, but I see it is possible. My concern was that some of the experiences specific to being in the wp would be stressful or unenjoyable for him and my fiancee. If it's so bitchy to be concerned if he would be able to take part comfortably in everything asked of a wp, then I obviously don't know what bitchy is. Is it not worse to make him feel obligated to take part in things that make him uncomfortable? The solution is obviously not to throw him into the thick of things, and that is what I asked advice on. I would never try to "decide" on groomsmen in spite of my fiancee's wishes, of course traditionally I would have nothing to do with it, but since his brother needs extra care, and since I think things through in detail where he doesn't, I know if there was something that would make his brother unhappy, he would not want to put him in that postition. I just wanted to go through the scenarios to know if it would work safely and enjoyably for everybody. Thanks to those of you who didn't get caught up in criticism and who offered productive and helpful ideas, many of them are insightful and I feel good about him being involved in the ways he is able, while allowing him to be comfortable. May I bring light to the fact that people posting questions on these forums are looking for help, ideas, and solutions to their sticky problems.

trix1223 · October 2009

Cait-it's an open board, and anyone can post their thoughts on what you put out there. You don't have to like, nor agree, with their responses, but they certainly can give their opinions.What you got here was an honest response from unbiased people. Your F&F won't be as honest as people here will be because they don't want to hurt your feelings.So the unvarnished opinions that you get here are probably better than what you'll get from people who won't want to say to your face what they may well be thinking.That actually, is the beauty of these boards. And yes, it's the beauty that people come here who may have a similar situation to yours and read the responses. It gives them a perspective that they might have missed otherwise.If you don't like the advice, don't take it. But it's always worth thinking about before you get upset. And if several people here have told you the same thing, it would seem to me that it's what others will be thinking as well.Consider the advice, or don't The choice is yours.

radtkek · October 2009

My brother (and only sibling) is severely mentally disabled. Neither me or my fiance could imagine not including him to the best of his ability. I fully understand that he make act out in the middle of the ceremony or decide not to cooperate at all, but I'm willing to go with the flow in an attempt to include him. I know that he is not able to stand up with the other groomsmen, but our plan is for him to walk the grandmothers down the aisle, sit with my parents, and instead of having my fiance's best man hold the rings, my brother will do that. He will then be the one to walk up and present them when the time is right. We of course will have the best man on "stand by" just in case he is stubborn during the ceremony. As far as pictures, if he decides to be stubborn, he decides to be stubborn. That's just how things are when someone has a disability. I'm not going to stress out about it. I think the best thing for you to do is be supportive of your future brother in law. Ask him what he is comfortable with doing and what he's not. Find ways to incorporate him into the day, even if it means modifying some parts. Also, our officiant had some wonderful ideas on how to include my brother. Try talking to yours...they are a wealth of information!

crystielle · October 2009

Dear Bride, can he be your ring bearer? Regarding photos, you can have some swt photos together, lying on a lawn, beneath a tree, on a swing. Include him in these photos. Then you can continue with the photos that you and the groom wish.

dani323 · October 2009

I have a sister with a disablity as well. She also has a hard time walking or standing for long periods of time, and I'm concerned about her being comfortable when it comes to my wedding day. The difference is my sister has the mentatlity of someone much younger, and although it means a lot to me to have her by my side I'm fairly certain she's not going to understand what's going on. That being said, I'm having her wear the same dress as the bridesmaids and who ever escorts my mom down the aisle will also escort her and she will sit with my parents for the ceremony. I think PP's have come up with great ideas. After the ceremony I want her very involved in the pictures, and will pick things that she is comfortable with. Although she might not understand the importance of that day, I can't imagine looking at my wedding pictures and not having my sister there. I understand you want nature shots and the running and jumping but as a PP said perhaps just have you and your FI do those shots. Don't have him sit out while the rest of your bridal party does those. I think you're a little to concerned about what your pictures are going to look like, make a compromise for your FBIL and have shots that he can particpate in.Don't exclude him from anything! That's your FBIL! I know you say you want your FI to enjoy the day but maybe keep his parents and girlfriend nearby so that he'll have his support system. Nobody is going to make him the central focus of your wedding.

chosen175 · October 2009

I didn't think it would be okay to have him "partly" in the wp, but I see it is possible. ^Having worked extensively with people with developmental disabilities for over a decade, I have to say that is just about the dumbest thing I have ever heard. He is a HUMAN BEING, not an accessory. You can't be "partly" in a WP - either you are or you aren't. You choose people to be in your WP for who they are currently, not based on who is most willing to go along with your plans. It's not his fault he is disabled. If you can't accept a GM who is physically or mentally different, if you see him as "imperfect" or as a "liability" then your photos are the least of your problems. I think your FI and his parents would be a much better group of people to decide the level of involvement your FBIL can handle on the wedding day. What a total stranger understands/perceives (sp) about someone with a disability won't be on target because every person with disabilities has their own personality. And even though you described certain things about him, none of us know him at all and therefore can't offer any advice on what he can or can't handle. I say let your FI talk to his brother and see whether or not he's interested. Ask him what he wants to do and if he says no, then just deal with the fact that one GM won't be in a few of the pics. The world won't come to an end. If he doesn't like crowds, noise, strangers, etc then just have a backup plan and be prepared to be ok with the fact that he may very well want to leave early. At the end of the day, the only thing that should matter to you is that you're married, not whether or not your disabled BIL "ruined" your day.

megan1381 · October 2009

*chosen175* THIS. Well said sister.

dmplz02 · October 2009

Cait2012, I know you posted this a while ago but I hope you read this! I feel like I'm reading my own problem!My brother is disabeled as well AND basically has panic attacks outside when he gets too hot, gets around bugs, etc. Immediately my fiance listed him as a groomsmen knowing his limitations. Fortunately, my brother was able to communicate his concerns to me, which basically matched mine. We are having him stand up as a groomsmen during the ceremony, and that's basically it. No extra responsiblities, no bachelor party, no pictures outside. He will just take pictures with the bridal party and our family inside immediately after the ceremony. My mom told me that my brother is so honored that he was asked to be a groomsmen and stand with us during the wedding that nothing else is needed. I hope you are able to come to a resolution! Trust me, no matter what, your fiance will worry about his brother at some point- he always will- that's what we've been raised with!

caymanianseminole · November 2009

I know I'm a little late in responding but I hope you find this suggestion helpful - in my profession I work a lot with both children and adults with disabilities, and I think I understand what you were trying to express. You should definitely talk with your FI and your FBIL and see what they both feel comfortable with. What might be a good compromise, is after the initial procession, have all of your BM and GM sit in designated seating. That way your FBIL won't feel left out. Another option is to have a seat available, near where your FBIL would be standing for the ceremony. If he needs to sit, the option is there as a safety net. The other option is to make him an honorary GM, So that he can still be a part of whatever he feels comfortable with. If your FBIL's cognition/communication level is that of a teenager, then he should definitely be able to express what he feels most comfortable with. I encourage you to open up some dialogue and express what you would expect and have him share what he feels comfortable with or not. If expectations are clearly established prior to the ceremony, and discussed with extended family and your FBIL's GF, I'm sure things will go smoothly. I think you'll find it to be a rewarding experience and a chance for you to connect in a special way with your FBIL. I wish you all of the best!

HELP! Including disabled brother.

Re: HELP! Including disabled brother.

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