Touchy dad situation...NEED ADVICE!

dmahaday · October 2009

My parents are still married, however, my father and I have really never been close-EVER. He wasn't the warm, fatherly type, to put it nicely. On top of that, he has a disease now that affects his mobility/motor skills/speech, and also makes him extremely anxious/moody-especially around groups of people. For these reasons, I was planning to ask my mom to walk me down the aisle, which we discussed, and she is happy to do. We are also having a destination wedding, and I was not even sure that my dad would come because of his illness/discomfort around people. My mom and I both thought that given my dad's current situation and our relationship, that he would be fine with this, if not relieved. Well, NO!! I was shocked last night to find out that my mom discussed this with him, and not only was he very offended, angry and hurt, he really wants to do it and doesn't understand why he wouldn't. ?????? I was so surprised, as, like I said, we don't have the best relationship. Not only that, but if I DO have him do it, what if he becomes too anxious, freaks out, won't come out of the hotel room, steps on my dress walking down the aisle...? I am so confused as to what to do. Please help!

SarahPLiz · October 2009

Apparently he does really want to be there. Maybe his love language is just different from yours. If a disease is causing his difficulties, he is probably very angry at the disease for making him seem unfit to escort his daughter down the aisle. I suggest you prepare for him to walk you down the aisle, and if he freaks, etc, your mom will already be there, so she can do it. Or, you can walk yourself down the aisle.

dmahaday · October 2009

That is a good idea. I am touched that he wants to; I really didn't think he would...

ck9586 · October 2009

Let him do it even if he wasn't warm and fuzzy. If it was actually an abusive situation, or close to it, then absolutely not. I agree with PP to have your mom ready to go if needed...won't come out of hotel, etc. I'm the MOB and my daughter is having her grandfather dance with her because her dad refused to come. He gets anxious due to some mental issues from a stroke so we have the DJ prepared to invite everyone onto the dance floor if my daughter thinks he's getting upset. Then he can gracefully exit the floor and her groom can step in. So just have your mom ready on the sidelines, or have them both walk and he can drop out at any time. And stepping on your dress? It's a pretty safe bet it's going to happen sometime during the wedding. Don't worry about it. Good luck!

dmahaday · October 2009

Well, yes, that is part of it. He was extremely verbally, and sometimes physically, abusive; very "king of the castle". He is so different now though, since his illness, that it is difficult to reconcile his two different personalities in my head. And I don't think he ever saw himself as being abusive (do they ever?)...thank you for your advice:)

SarahPLiz · October 2009

Illnesses tend to change people, and if you are having difficulty reconciling that, perhaps a deep chat with him is in order. Think of it this way, if he once felt he was "king of his castle" and now can't even control his own body and anxiety level, he is bound to be frustrated, and and maybe even humbled. Even if you didnt have the greatest of experiences with him as a child, if he is trying now then I think you should be open to starting a relationship with him, especially if he is sick. You certainly don't want to have any regrets later on.

dmahaday · October 2009

Very true. You have all given me a lot to think about. Thank you for your responses!

ffmaid · October 2009

Generally the FOB big momenets are walking her down teh aisle and the father daughter dance. To have a living dad and not have him do either and to sub your mom is a clear public statement of not getting along and not loving him. Seriously it is a huge public slap in teh face that he is a horrible father. Either walk down alone or walk with both parents or walk with your dad but excluding yoru father is a huge insult if anyone else walks in his place. I'm sorry to be so harsh but I do not see why it woudl not be obvious that it is a massive public slight.

phoeny_moonstar · October 2009

Who do you WANT to walk you down the aisle? It's YOUR wedding, if you want you mom to do the honors have her go ahead and do it. If you really want your father to them practice with him so he won't feel as nervous the day of.

awdamm · October 2009

why not just have them both walk you down... he's glad to do it and if anything goes wrong mom is doing it anyway... no harm no foul... as for NOT having your living father walk you down the isle "be a public slap in the face" well thats just bullshiteveryone is an adult and can make their own decisions... it is a touchy situation but an understanding father would want to see his daughter happy no matter her wishes... hell maybe i want to slip and slide down the isle and my dad is allergic to water... ( very extreme hypothetical situation) but asking him and expecting him to join you on the slip and slide wouldn't turn out in a positive light... just avoid that issue. i'm sure he'll be glad to be apart of your day in whatever way is fitting.

dmahaday · October 2009

I would personally rather have my mom do it. It would almost feel phony to me for my dad to do it...again, as some of you may not have read between the lines, there is more to the situation, it is not just me being spiteful or "not loving him". And NOBODY would be surprised if he did not walk me down the aisle...as I said before, my mom and I were BOTH shocked that he reacted that way. Thank you for your responses, I will continue to think about this...:)

ck9586 · October 2009

My DD didn't much care about the "public slap in the face" when she told her dad that she wanted me to do it. Here's why. His treatment of her--or lack thereof---was a "public slap" for the past 15 years. He ignored her while treating his GF's daughter as his own. The girls are even friends, that's how he met the GF! So he just got a replacement family, no difference. It's been hard to see her heartbreak over him for years and years and never be able to say anything (divorce psych 101). But now he's refusing to come to the wedding because she asked me, so I got to throw divorce psych out the window!!! From all you've said....that it was a verbally abusive relationship etc...no. I wouldn't have him do it. It's no longer a father giving his daughter away to another man. It's to honor the person most involved and loving in your life. Sounds to me like that's your mom.;

dmahaday · October 2009

Wow, thank you for that post. That's exactly what it is; I want it to be special, who "gives me away", and with him, it won't be. I would just be doing it to make him feel better. He did also say that if he didn't do it, he wouldn't come to the wedding, and, surprise, surprise, that is the way it's ALWAYS been-him, him, him. He doesn't care what I want, never has.

shellysmom · October 2009

Sounds like I am late for the desicion, but I was going to point out since you mentioned him stepping on your dress that when having your dress hemmed make sure they hem the sides and not just the front. Maybe you are an off the rack height. I'm not. But when my dress was shortened they only did about 12 inches at the front and let the sides flow into the train. VERY BAD IDEA. I had people stepping on the sides of my dress all day long. Good luck.

jussylee · October 2009

Hey, I understand your situation. My father's presence in my life has been very inconsistent. And my step-father has always been very dominating, and emotionally abusive. Major life events like weddings often perpetuate an examination of yourself and your family. But keep in mind that your wedding is not a deadline to have your relationship with your father reconciled (or not). It may seem like excluding your father from wedding traditions may be a threat to a future reconciliation, but your wedding should be a celebration your love for your groom, not a platform for family therapy. I think your mother should give you away (like mine is for me). You shouldn't sacrifice your comfort on your day to appease a man with whom you've had a damaging relationship. Work on that relationship in its own time.

writersblock2020 · October 2009

My parents have been separated for a while, so my situation is slightly different than yours... but essentially the same. My father was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive for the entire seventeen years we lived in the same house. After their divorce, he "discovered" God, became a born-again Christian, and swore to changes his ways. While he is not - nor cannot - physically abuse me anymore, his emotional manipulation and verbal abuse continues. He still puts himself first, cares for himself first, sees to his needs first, and always has. He WILL NOT walk me down the aisle at my wedding, though he is currently unaware of this fact, and will make every effort to talk his way on to my arm. He's charming, and very charismatic, and easily manipulates the situation in which he finds himself. People who don't know him, or his past with his children, fall for it every time. My decision has NOTHING to do with public perception. The man walking me down the aisle - my godfather - has been a steadfast figure in my life since the day I was born. He's dependable, giving, caring, warm and sincere. I am HIS to give away because he has EARNED that level of respect from me. Through his broken promises, my father forfeited the right to ACT as my father in any important capacity. While my relationship with my father has improved over the years - I can walk away, fight back, etc. - it is no where near healed. He will be hurt, but he only has himself to blame. You have to do what you feel in your heart, corny as it sounds. If you feel like the man you call your father now should not be punished for the mistakes of the father you had growing up, let him walk you down the aisle. If you feels as though you are still HIS to give, let him. Have a back up plan and whatnot for any potential meltdowns. But, if you are still hurt, if your relationship has NOT mended, and you don't feel like he deserves the opportunity to give you away, then go with your gut.

dmahaday · October 2009

Wow! You have all been so great, thank you for your advice. It really is helping me to put it in perspective. Thanks:)

amy41710 · October 2009

My mother is walking me down the aisle and I could not be happier about it. I have nothing to do with my father, and although I could have had her boyfriend do it (he has been in the picture since I was 14), it would just be so much more meaningful for me to have my mother do it. Just remember, this is YOUR day, not his. You want to make sure that you choose the option that will make you smile when you remember it years from now. Do not let him choose for you just because it bothers him not to be in control. Good luck with everything! I hope everything works out the way you want it to!

chloetutor · October 2009

I have a similar situation. Not close to my dad for various reasons. I've been talking about just walking myself down the aisle. I know it's cute to have your dad do it if you're close, but otherwise it's a pretty outdated tradition. Do I really need to be "given away?" Some people have been shocked when I told them this and suggested having my mom or a male relative walk me. Has anyone been to a wedding where the bride walked the aisle alone? Did it seem awkward? What are other brides doing about the other moments like father daughter dance? I don't really want it to turn into a pity party with everyone staring at me and boo hooing the bride who had to dance with her grandfather (not really close to him either.) Do you just transition from the first dance to groom mother dance without announcement?

Quincy Girl 2010 · October 2009

You should walk down with both of them. Then your mom will be prepared to do it if he backs out, and if he doesn't, he still gets to walk you down the isle. It's a tradition a lot of dads expect, but altering the tradition makes your day special and unique!

dmahaday · October 2009

Chloetutor, I don't think it's awkward to walk down alone, not if you look happy and confident while doing it! Also, if you tell people this is what you are doing along the way, nobody will be surprised or think it's strange on the day of. I agree about being "given away"; what is that??? I also think it would be fine just to skip the FOB dance, or dance with your mom or anyone else who is close to you instead. Bottom line, if YOU'RE comfortable with it, everyone else will be.

eetungla · October 2009

I just wanted to say thank you for posting the question. I am in a very familiar situation with my fathers disease and my parents divorce that he has never quite gotten over. I am very close to my mom as well and it will be hard to decide how best not to offend anyone. So thank you!

Ckirwin · October 2009

i agree with Phoeny and StageManager, this is all about what you want. the fact that he's living or the status of your relationship has nothing to do with it. it's what matters to you, it's about what makes you happiest, it's about who's the most important person in your life. and weddings take place in front of our closest family and friends so there's no slap-in-the-face or public slight, as i'm sure they're all well aware of your relationship with your father and wouldn't be surprised if he didn't participate in those typical father/daughter wedding activities.my parents divorced when i was 13 (amicably, and yes, it's possible) and i've stayed close with both of my parents since. for me it was a given that my dad would walk me down the aisle because he's a huge source of love and support in my life. if your dad doesn't represent those things for you at the moment of your wedding then you won't be as happy as you should be on that day because like you said, it will be a false moment.but remember, nothing has to be decided today either, things may change over the course of planning the wedding so just keep all of this in the back of your mind and then decide closer to the wedding what would make you the happiest and do that. it really truly is all about YOU so don't compromise your happiness for someone else. Good Luck!

Hylmarey · October 2009

Sometimes we (daughters) can't understand how important are things for the parents, if it was my case I would put my family first and make a wedding that fits to their needs. Is not just that your father gets angry, people with this kind of problems usually feel depressed and think they are being abandoned or disadvantaged, talk to his doctor or a specialist that can give you an idea of what you can do to include him in the event in a way that he doesn't lose control. You can also give him a short special participation during the ceremony which doesn't need him to walk, for example, you can let your mom walk you down the aisle and and, as your dad will be near you and your partner, he could wait for you next to your groom and join your hands to consign you to him. I've just realized that this will be my last year with my family and I have to make it the best year with them.

Future Mrs. Lindstrom · October 2009

I'm sure as soon as you were born he was envisioning giving you away at your weeding; no matter what kind of relationship you had.My dad passed before I got engaged and a few of my dad's brothers (he has 7) were fighting over who go to do it. These uncles don't have kids or only have boys. I wanted my grandfather to do it but he had a stroke and could no longer walk.When my sister got married my dad was upset that not only did she completely cut him and myslef from her wedding, but that he didn't get to do the regular fatherly things.Talk to you dad yourself and explain you conncerns. Maybe something can be worked outlI had my brother give me away.

dmahaday · October 2009

Wow, I never expected to get so many responses, thank you to everyone! You have given me a lot to think about. To address a few things that were mentioned; a) my dad has not been thinking about my wedding since the day I was born because he is not my bio father (another complicated story), and b) this is not something I can talk to him about, because again, we are not close and we don't "talk" like that. It would be very awkward. That's why I was shocked that he had an issue with it in the first place! It's either I do what I want and have my mom walk me or I let him have his way to keep the peace.

Touchy dad situation...NEED ADVICE!

Re: Touchy dad situation...NEED ADVICE!

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