eloping in Arkansas reception back home

rburget · October 2009

we plan to elope in November and would like to have a party/reception when we get home..how do we do this?

Mrs.B6302007 · October 2009

well, when you elope you generally give up the guests part which includes the reception.

melissainabq · October 2009

Not giving anyone the chance to attend the wedding and then having a party screams "you're not important enough for us to spend money to host at a wedding but you are important enough to invite to a party so you'll bring a gift." Bad idea.

MissSarah786 · October 2009

Define elope. You and FI and one witness? Or you and some family members?

banana468 · October 2009

Are you OK with everyone knowing that you're having a private wedding?Then just host an 'post wedding reception' for when you get back.My boss did this. His wedding was private and out of state. A few months later they through a big party for all their family and friends. It was super casual and there wasn't anything wedding about it other than the two of them were newlyweds.

trix1223 · October 2009

ditto mrs.B and melissa. You are choosing to elope. That decision comes with consequences. As an adult, you deal with the consequences of your decision.If you elope: you don't get the reception later. You can have a party, but IMO, you don't get to wear the dress, have the cake and cake cutting, do the bouquet toss, first dances....you know-the reception stuff.The purpose of a reception, IMO again, is to thank your guests for being a part of your wedding day. Since you're not including them-there's no need for a reception.

melissainabq · October 2009

The purpose of a reception, IMO again, is to thank your guests for being a part of your wedding day. Since you're not including them-there's no need for a reception.Trix - Exactly!

[Deleted User] · October 2009

yeah, uh, no. that's not how it works. where do people get these convoluted ideas?

SarahPLiz · October 2009

I think its perfectly fine to call it a reception, jut maybe not a wedding reception. People have receptions for all kinds of events, meant to receive someone into a certain group. If your family wants to have a reception to welcome your FI as part of the family, don't let anyone tell you no.Why not? I do think it would be rude if you want to do it for gift-grabbing reasons, but having a welcome to the family party is not rude IMO and would probably be really fun. I will always take substance over form any day. Having a wedding with all your friends and family present is just not doable for everyone, even though it is tradition. My sister eloped and someone threw them a reception (meaning a party to receive them) when they got back so we could all get acquainted with my BIL. No one thought it was rude.

[Deleted User] · October 2009

sarah, read the first post. it's got nothing to do with your ramblings about so-and-so throwing someone else a party. we plan to elope in November and would like to have a party/reception when we get home..how do we do this?

Mrs.B6302007 · October 2009

jill, i have missed thee :-)

2dBride · October 2009

I disagree with pps. [url=http://www.destinationweddings.com/Tips_destination_wedding_etiquette.html#8]A lot of people have a small destination wedding, then a much larger reception back home, and there is nothing wrong with it from an etiquette perspective[/url]. [url=http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-invitations/qa/reception-only-invites-invitation-wording.aspx]The Knot itself gives examples of wording for such an invitation[/url]. Indeed, even with an at-home ceremony, it is acceptable to invite people to the reception but not the ceremony ([url=http://elegalaweddings.blogspot.com/2009/05/wedding-invitation-etiquette-dos-and.html]though not the other way around[/url]). [url=http://weddings.weddingchannel.com/wedding-planning-ideas/wedding-invitations/articles/reception_only-invitation.aspx]See this example of a formal reception-only invitation[/url].In our case, we had a sort of involuntary destination wedding. Because we are a same-sex couple, and could not be married in our home state, we had a very small wedding in Massachusetts, with just immediate family and a few close friends. We then had a big party back home with food, an open bar, a live musician, dancing, and a DIY "photobooth" three days later. The only real rule is that the invitations must make it clear that you are already married, and that the invitation is only to the reception. For example, you could describe it as, "a reception in honour of their recent marriage." Otherwise, it can be whatever kind of party you want.

SarahPLiz · October 2009

SO maybe i was telling them that it was ok for someone else to throw it... and just because THEY would like a reception doesnt meant THEY are going to host it. I was giving an example of how there could be a party and it not be rude.

2dBride · October 2009

[url=http://weddings.weddingchannel.com/wedding-planning-ideas/wedding-invitations/qa/is-it-acceptable-to-invite-a-guest-to-the-wedding-but-not-to-the.aspx]One more citation for the fact that it is permissible to invite someone for the reception and not the ceremony (though not vice versa[/url]).

Spepperman · October 2009

People do this all the time for many reasons. Go ahead and plan it just make sure people know you are already married and I'm sure they will be happy to celebrate with you. It's not like you got married in your hometown and just didn't invite them. Plan for a nice party and just have fun!

melissainabq · October 2009

The big difference 2D is that she isn't having a destination wedding - she is eloping and not inviting anyone. Therefore it is extremely tacky to have a reception since a reception is a thank you to guests for taking time to attend your wedding.

Mrs.B6302007 · October 2009

Having an AHR because the B&G had a DW with their families is one thing but to elope, by definition, is to purposely and secretly get married w/o guests in attendance, so to throw a wedding reception afterwards for the guests who were purposely not invited to the ceremony seems innappropriate. As another poster questioned, if OP would come back and clarify her definition of eloping that would shed some light on this particular situation.

Mrs.B6302007 · October 2009

since when is "citation" required for good manners?

melissainabq · October 2009

Why do I need to provide a citation for what should seem obvious as just good manners?

melissainabq · October 2009

Sorry MrsB - I hadn't refreshed to see you wrote the same thing.

2dBride · October 2009

Ok, this is getting ridiculous! All these people have said that it violates etiquette to invite people to a reception if they were not invited to the ceremony--yet not one person has provided a citation. I've now provided a handful of citations to the fact that there is no such rule. Wedding etiquette can be tough enough--do we really have to make up new rules to torture people?With regard to the idea that a reception is a thank you to guests for attending your wedding, do we really need to impose a rule against excessive thank yous? It would be rude to invite people to the ceremony and not thank them by inviting them to the reception. However, the other way around is not rude.I have no idea whether the OPs elopement will be a destination one or not. However, as demonstrated by the numerous citations above, there is no rule against inviting people to a reception even if the ceremony was private.

Mrs.B6302007 · October 2009

The problem with a reception post-elopement is that it implies to the guests that they weren't important enough to the B&G to be included for the ceremony yet are important enough to be invited to a celebration where bringing a gift to the B&G is the norm.

Mrs.B6302007 · October 2009

Sorry MrsB - I hadn't refreshed to see you wrote the same thing. Hey, great minds and all. ;-)

2dBride · October 2009

Why is a citation required for good manners? Because you cannot just make up a rule in your own head and claim that it is an etiquette rule. I have just linked to a bunch of etiquette authorities that say it is acceptable to invite someone to a reception without inviting them to the ceremony. Yet you personally decide that it is not, and you think your view outweighs that of the etiquette experts?

melissainabq · October 2009

Your citation is not relevant. It is talking about a destination wedding, which she is not having.

Mrs.B6302007 · October 2009

Who got your feathers all in a ruffle? The conversation in this thread was completely calm until you stepped in.No one is making up rules; we're stating basic good manners in regards to not insulting or offending guests.

2dBride · October 2009

I am amused that those of you who claim you can't have a private ceremony and a larger reception are linking to [url=http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=dfrq49nk_0dtftrxht]a P&E FAQ that says the opposite[/url].[quote]Can I do a reception later for friends who I wanted to include but couldn't? An at home reception (AHR) following a destination wedding (DW) is acceptable provided the reception guests were invited to the ceremony. You can include the RSVP card for the AHR in the invite so that guests have the option of going to both or just the reception. A private ceremony and larger reception immediately following the ceremony (or on the same day) is fine. A second reception for guests who didn't make the cut for the first reception is not appropriate.[/quote]

Spepperman · October 2009

If a friend of mine eloped and decided to have a reception to celebrate the marriage I would love to go and have a good time. That's just my opinion but I'm sure not everyone would be offended.

Mrs.B6302007 · October 2009

2d - are you being defensive because of your recent ceremony and reception? I just read your bio and you didn't do anything against etiquette since you had a small, intimate ceremony and then a larger reception. that's fine. OP is e-l-o-p-i-n-g

2dBride · October 2009

Oh, and the OP started with, "we plan to elope in November and would like to have a party/reception when we get home." This implies that the elopement will not be at home, i.e., that it will be a destination wedding.

Mrs.B6302007 · October 2009

Don't misquote me. A private ceremony is NOT the same thing as an elopement.

eloping in Arkansas reception back home

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