Insulting a person vs saying something negative about a specific action a person makes

ffmaid · October 2009

A thread made me think of this issue. I think that saying something negative about a specific action is a very big difference from insulting someone. Example Insulting a person You are a jerk Example insulting an action That action you took was bad. When someone tells me an action was bad I am not hurt at all since it is constructive. I am very hurt when someone I respect insults me as a person. Do others think like this?

Nebb · October 2009

What thread made you think of this, the one where you made yourself look like a jackass?

mandapanda78 · October 2009

There is absolutely no difference. If I told you I broke my leg skiing and you said you think skiing is irresponsible, then yes- you just told me that I am irresponsible.

laurenclaire1386 · October 2009

There's the old cliche: Actions speak louder than words. When you criticize someone's actions, you criticize them as a person. Also, what Nebb said.

gkb0910 · October 2009

I actually understand your point, ffmaid. But, the way you comment on the action makes a HUGE difference. And I disagree with what you said in P2's thread. The way you said it and your timing was awful.

lpstl · October 2009

Nebb, I think I love you today.

kikibaby · October 2009

Ditto manda.It's not always constructive, either.

georgia_bride09 · October 2009

Both examples make you sound like Honorary Judge Judgy McJudgerson.

ring_pop · October 2009

What thread made you think of this, the one where you made yourself look like a jackass? Haha! Well played!

arbolita · October 2009

You have a blue ball too? Damnit. I feel left out.

ffmaid · October 2009

Thank you manda I am thinking that maybe I think about things differently then many others in this respect and kinda want to learn so that I do not hurt feelings when I am not trying to. So in the ski example Telling you that ski black diamonds when never ski before is irresponsible is an insult. If I wanted to convey the information that perhaps in order to avoid broken legs in future one should not ski black diamonds if one has never skied before how could I do that without hurting someones feelings and insulting them?

Kati0105 · October 2009

I think the timing and tone determine whether someone views a remark as an insult. Clearly P2 viewed your comments as insults (probably due to the timing and the tone of the comments), so I was happy to see that you apologized. I don't think YOU as a person are insensitive, but I do think your comments were insensitive. So I do get what you mean, although I can't imagine why you'd want to continue talking about this when everyone's emotions are clearly activated at this point.

gkb0910 · October 2009

Ditto, Kati.

kate51485 · October 2009

When there are delicate emotions involved, such as a loved one in crisis, it becomes very difficult to separate person and action. That is why one provides support and not commentary. But that's just me.

laurenclaire1386 · October 2009

Punctuation, ffmaid. Use it.

crfische · October 2009

Hi, Ffmaid.Quit insultin' my swerve, yo.

ffmaid · October 2009

Yes the pumpkin issue is what brought it up . But I think that this may be something I need to learn from. I think that maybe I do not think about this stuff like others. So I want to learn exactly what I asked mandi. I want to learn how to say you are not bad your specific action was horrible and perhaps a different action would be advisable without causing grave insult to the person

crfische · October 2009

I do think, ffmaid, that some of your posts get misinterpreted because it's hard to tell how you're saying things. Do you watch the office? I kind of read everything you say like how angela talks. I've seen you post enough to know where you are coming from, but it's hard to tell sometimes by the way you write things.

mandapanda78 · October 2009

What's the point of telling someone who has already broken their leg what you think of their actions at all? There can be no way to say that or do it that doesn't add insult to injury. Sympathy or nothing and then move on. This doesn't apply, of course, to someone who is about to (but hasn't yet) taken action that might endanger themselves or others. Also if a person asks "Did I do something to contribute to my circumstance?" you could gently give your two cents. More than anything though I think it's about asking yourself if there's anything good to be gained by your comments.

kikibaby · October 2009

ff- It seems that you don't understand that, in your example, if you visit someone in the hospital where they have 2 broken legs and are in a back brace, it's not appropriate to say "Geez, well, you shouldn't have been skiing black diamonds."You really don't see that as an inappropriate or rude response? It's judgey, unnecessary and mean-spirited.

mandapanda78 · October 2009

I gotta say ffmaid, your comments in the P2 post were seriously turning my stomach- but kudos to you for being willing to learn from the way others reacted and for offering P2 an apology.

ffmaid · October 2009

cfishe- That is exactly it. I want to know how to say this stuff in a different tone. I am not an office fan but I know enough about it to know I am a little like that gal. I want to improve on this but really I do not see the difference exactly. So I would like to learn

atobias1 · October 2009

ffmaid its your timing. If she breaks her legs skiing the black diamonds as a rookie and you visit her in the hospital and say, "that was irrisponsible." thats jerkish. Instead, wait until next time she goes skiing you might suggest she take a class and work her way up.

squirrly · October 2009

"Ouch! Yeah, black diamonds are the toughest runs." And leave it at that. Gotta try to stick to the fact (black diamonds are tough) and not the opinion (you were irresponsible to ski down one).

wadingmoose · October 2009

I think it all depends on delivery and timing.For example, when someone is still in the midst of an upsetting and stressful situation, it's not the time to tell them that their reaction and behaviour is wrong. Particularly if it would appear they're doing their best to get through the situation as best they can.Even then, questioning how they got through a stressful, emotional time is probably not really the best decision unless you intend to do it in a constructive manner or if they ask how they could've handled it better.For example: A guy I like and respect at work overheard me get into a disagreement with another coworker. In the midst of it, he make a joke to us about the situation. The next morning, when I'd had time to reflect on the situation, I went to the guy I like and respect and said, "Ok. I know I handled that badly. What should I do different next time?"He gave me great suggestions and ideas for how to solve the root problem.Had he walked up to my desk and said "You were very unprofessional yesterday," I wouldn't have been very receptive to what he had to say.

georgia_bride09 · October 2009

Kudos, ffmaid, for tackling capitalization. Now for punctuation...

crfische · October 2009

I didn't read the P2 thread. That's my girl right there. So I'm speaking about this uneducated. I'll go read it now. But I think it's a rare occurance when ffmaid is ill intentioned, even though it comes off biitchy and condescending sometimes, I don't think how some things she says comes off how she says it in her head.

pumpkinpumpkin · October 2009

a thread, huh? Wow, you're being real sneaky about it. Give it up, you upset people, get over it and STFU.

ffmaid · October 2009

Well Manda, I think that sometimes people repeat the same mistakes over and over again and do not realize that what actions that they are doing that causes it. Maybe ski is not a great example but I have a gal pal that always ends up dating guys who are alcoholics but she tends to go to the same dive bars and since she works on weekends she usually goes out drinking on wednesday which is her Saturday. After she was upset about the last guy I gave sympathy but also said that maybe if she is not picking up guys at dive bars on wednesday nighta she might not meet as many alcoholics. I then suggested that instead she join a wednesday night soccer league. Thankfully the guy she met at soccer is a sweetheart who only drinks on weekends.

gkb0910 · October 2009

After she was upset about the last guy I gave sympathy but also said that maybe if she is not picking up guys at dive bars on wednesday nighta she might not meet as many alcoholics. I then suggested that instead she join a wednesday night soccer league. Thankfully the guy she met at soccer is a sweetheart who only drinks on weekends. Commenting about her choice of Wednesday night can be seen as rude. Offering something constructive, like try a Wednesday night soccer league, is helpful.Also, you seem to use horrible and horribly a lot. I find those words to be very judgy. Instead of saying it was a horrible decision, offer a better alternative like you did with your friend, but do it at an appropriate time.

Kati0105 · October 2009

I think Fishy's Angela comparison is right on. I also think it's an issue of black and white thinking and extremism - saying it is "horrible" to ever cry at work or speak about your personal life is very extreme. Is it in some cases inappropriate to cry at work or discuss personal details with clients? Sure. But this is not true in every case and definitely doesn't seem to be true in P2's case. I think it is important to always realize that each situation is very different - this prevents coming off as judgmental.

Insulting a person vs saying something negative about a specific action a person makes

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