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Wedding Etiquette Forum
peanutty2
member
kid cutoff? (vent mostly)
I'm having a smaller wedding (80 people max capacity) and have 85 invites right now (left room for gf/bfs and courtesy invites... dangerous already i know). We don't have a lot of people with kids as it is, but the only kids invited are in the WP - my young bro/sis (fg/rb) and my cousin/bm's daughter (fg). and her baby. That's it.
My friend/bm is really upset with me that i didn't invite her kids. she told me she doesn't think she'll be able to find someone to watch them so she'll either have to bring them or not come. Considering it's 5 months away I just asked her if she tried all of her options and that since it was so far away maybe she could try this or that option. Then it turns out really she is just upset that I'm being a hypocrite and excluding her. She said how I'm having all these other kids but not hers and how she is the only one that has to be inconvenienced or spend money on a babysitter and how unfair I am. And that some other wedding she went to let her bring her kids and they had so much fun. So apparently I should too.
I tried explaining that if she can't find anyone to watch them obviously I'd rather she bring her kids than not come, but I'd ask that she at least TRY first and also that I need to make sure I'll even have room. I told her she shouldn't feel excluded b/c the only kids coming are fam and not only fam but in the WP. I told her how that was nice of the other wedding to allow her kids to come but it isn't "the norm" and that many weddings are adult events with either none or only certain kids (like just family or just WP). Then she yelled at me how I'm not having an adult event because I have all these other kids going, it's just that I'm excluding hers.
Anyway, she just keeps going about what a hypocrite i am and that I should be letting her bring her kids and now she has to "force" her mom (who lives with her to watch her kids) to watch her kids.
So, am I a hypocrite? Am I out of line somewhere? I was already thinking that it wouldn't be that bad to have her kids (and she is in the WP so there'd be a "cutoff" there if anyone else complained) but we're not inviting them unless there's some extenuating situation and we have room. We're already at our max! I had told her that too. But I don't appreciate that she didn't even ask if it was ok, she just said she was doing it or not coming, that she didn't even try to find a way to leave them, that she called me a hypocrite, and that for the 500000th time she told me how "i'll understand when i have kids".
ugh.
p.s. this is the same friend/bm that was insisting on the stripper bach party because that's what she would want (even tho that sounds like torture to me). she's making me so upset and so stressed out. if it was a money thing (like she couldn't afford a sitter or whatever) or was just looking for a bm "out" i even offered her one saying if that makes it easier for her to attend just as a guest that was okay too but she said she still plans on coming and being a bm.
end vent.
My friend/bm is really upset with me that i didn't invite her kids. she told me she doesn't think she'll be able to find someone to watch them so she'll either have to bring them or not come. Considering it's 5 months away I just asked her if she tried all of her options and that since it was so far away maybe she could try this or that option. Then it turns out really she is just upset that I'm being a hypocrite and excluding her. She said how I'm having all these other kids but not hers and how she is the only one that has to be inconvenienced or spend money on a babysitter and how unfair I am. And that some other wedding she went to let her bring her kids and they had so much fun. So apparently I should too.
I tried explaining that if she can't find anyone to watch them obviously I'd rather she bring her kids than not come, but I'd ask that she at least TRY first and also that I need to make sure I'll even have room. I told her she shouldn't feel excluded b/c the only kids coming are fam and not only fam but in the WP. I told her how that was nice of the other wedding to allow her kids to come but it isn't "the norm" and that many weddings are adult events with either none or only certain kids (like just family or just WP). Then she yelled at me how I'm not having an adult event because I have all these other kids going, it's just that I'm excluding hers.
Anyway, she just keeps going about what a hypocrite i am and that I should be letting her bring her kids and now she has to "force" her mom (who lives with her to watch her kids) to watch her kids.
So, am I a hypocrite? Am I out of line somewhere? I was already thinking that it wouldn't be that bad to have her kids (and she is in the WP so there'd be a "cutoff" there if anyone else complained) but we're not inviting them unless there's some extenuating situation and we have room. We're already at our max! I had told her that too. But I don't appreciate that she didn't even ask if it was ok, she just said she was doing it or not coming, that she didn't even try to find a way to leave them, that she called me a hypocrite, and that for the 500000th time she told me how "i'll understand when i have kids".
ugh.
p.s. this is the same friend/bm that was insisting on the stripper bach party because that's what she would want (even tho that sounds like torture to me). she's making me so upset and so stressed out. if it was a money thing (like she couldn't afford a sitter or whatever) or was just looking for a bm "out" i even offered her one saying if that makes it easier for her to attend just as a guest that was okay too but she said she still plans on coming and being a bm.
end vent.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: kid cutoff? (vent mostly)
She has her mom, who can watch the kids and, I assume, probably doesn't have other plans for this one night five months from now.
Tell her that there are other people who will be offended if she gets to bring her kids when you aren't allowing other non-wedding party kids. THAT would be hypocritical. What you're doing is not.
honestly, i'd tell her that the only kids are the kids in the wedding party, period. if she can't figure out someone to watch the kids, well, you suppose that you'll miss her at the party.
she sounds extremely manipulative - and that's how i'd feel if a friend was putting me in this situation.
i'd also tell her, yes, i'll understand when i have kids. i'll understand that it's nice to get away from them for a few hours.
Planning!.....Married!
[QUOTE]PLEASE don't let her bring them, even if you do have room. That would be incredibly rude to other guests who were polite and left their children at home, and it's also sending her the message that <strong>she gets whatever she wants if she just whines loudly enough</strong>. Forget "understanding when you have kids"- all that you need to understand where she's coming from is to suddenly regress to the behavior of a three-year-old.
Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]
this is so true. clearly she's always gotten whatever she wants and your right, i certainly don't want to contribute to that. i still can't stand that she still thinks i'm the bad guy. I don't think she gets it (like she tells me how I understand nothing cuz I don't have kids, she eloped!) or understands the dynamics and the space issue and all that. i KNOW it's going to come up at the wedding.. "oh you could of fit them there" or "how come so and so got invited but not my kids". UGH.
thank you guys this does help.