i need advice

sarabear23 · October 2009

this may be a little long, but here it goes..My MOH and one of my bridesmaids have ordered their dresses. We set up the appointment for September to do this, and SPECIFICALLY because one of my girls couldnt pay for it before then. Well now its almost 2 months later, and she has yet to go and pay for hers and her sisters, who is also a bridesmaid. Ive been trying to politely tell her she needs to do it, and she keeps telling me she is going to do it soon. Well I am afraid "soon" is going to turn into never, because I know her. Im fed up with this and I told her she has until the end of the month to do it. If she doesnt, Im going to pay for her sisters dress because I really want her there. I want them both, but she is chosing to spend her money on other things. Dont get me wrong, I know I have no right to tell her how to spend her money and I would never do that. But I need her to comit to being there for me, or let me know if she cant. So the question really is, How do I talk to her if she hasnt paid them by next week? What do I say? I want her there but I cant wait any longer for her to order the dress.HELp!? thanks

blackfire5th · October 2009

You have over 5 months before your wedding. You have plenty of time to order a dress. Most of my bm went into david's bridal and walked out with the right dress in the right size that day. I had one flower girl order her's about a month and half before the wedding and one bm (who was pregnant) literally ordered hers 4 weeks before the wedding and it came in with 2 weeks before the wedding. If you are really worried, call the shop and find out the absolute latest time that she can order the dress. By the time the wedding roles around, if she has the dress, great, if she doesn't, then she has removed herself from the wedding. If you are waiting on her to order the rest of the dress, go ahead and order them without hers. There is usually no difference in dye-lots and if there is, it is probably going to be so slight that no one will notice.

banana468 · October 2009

Ditto blackfire. Find out when the dress needs to be ordered from the shop. THEN, say to her, "Unfortunately the shop is telling me that they need the money for the dress by X date. If that's not able to be done, please just let me know if there are any issues or if you'd just rather be there as a guest. I'll understand either way."

bablingbrooke · October 2009

I would be very surprised if this is the "drop dead" date after which the dress would no longer be available in time for your wedding under any circumstances. Unless the shop specifically has told you that, you're just asking her to order a dress that will collect dust in her closet for a few months when she doesn't have the money. I'm not saying this is too early or that she isn't being irresponsible, but don't go down this road if this is an arbitrary date you yourself picked. Ask the shop when that date is. Keep in mind that they will tell you immediately so they can make a sale so try to get the real number (most places can do it in 3 months or less; if you got your wedding dress at the same place and it took longer, that's because it's a WEDDING DRESS). Then tell her that it needs to be ordered by X date. If she hasn't done it by then she has taken herself out of the wedding. Don't buy it for her unless you're okay with the possibility of never getting paid back.

lissa71679 · October 2009

My Fsil bought one of her BM dresses because she was low on cash at the time and its now 3 years after the wedding and she has yet to see a penny. Why cant either sister pay for the dress? and why will you pay for one sisters dress and not the other?

ad.marse7 · October 2009

It really depends on where the dresses are being bought and the designer. My bridesmaids dresses are taking 4 months to get in where as Davids Bridal you can get them a lot quicker. Talk to the bridal shop. Also see if the dress can be rushed. Tell her when is the last day she can order it at the price that it is at before it goes up to be rushed since she has not paid for it. Some of my girls waited until the very last day. Before that they kept on saying that they were going to but didn't it was kind of frustrating but I realized that they have their own lives and I trusted them. They both I know were just busy and it was not on the top of their list and that is fine because it is not their big day. When it is their day it will be a top priority. Check and see she might just have a lot of stuff going on in her life. Good Luck!

Butkus51507 · October 2009

Honestly, I can relate...and I think you have every right to tell her to get it by any date you want. The last thing you want as a bride is to have to be worrying a few weeks before the wedding if she's going to have the dress or not. Tell her you want it done so you don't have to worry about it. If money is a true issue, then tell her perhaps you could make it easier on her by having her do a reading or something else that doesn't require her to spend the money on the dress but still includes her in part of the wedding.

mbcdefg · October 2009

"The salon's final date to order the dress is [date]. Otherwise you will need to pay a rush fee. If you feel that you'd rather not be a BM, just let me know now and you can be a guest/reader and wear whatever you want and there will be no hard feelings. If money's an issue, please let me know and we'll work something out. I really want you standing up next to me, but I also want you to be comfortable with what you're wearing and the amount of money you're spending, so please let me know now if getting the dress will be a problem."Do this in person, or by phone if she's far away. Avoid texts and e-mails, because things can get misconstrued VERY easily in writing (example, she may think this is your way of kicking her out, when all you want is confirmation that she can get the dress by the deadline). I would also look online - maybe eBay or the Trash to Treasure boards - and see if you can find the same dress in her size. If so, let her know ... "The dress is $40 on eBay. If paying for a new dress is a problem, maybe you'd rather buy the used one?"

weddingbells2010 · October 2009

Check with the bridal salon regarding the date. If the date is just for your own planning purposes, be flexible. If it is truly a matter of getting the dress from the designer on time (and from the same fabric dye lot, so that your maids all match...), then you have every right to be a little more firm about it. However, I'd caution you not to ruin a friendship over a dress. If her friendship is important to you, buy the dress for her and let it go.

mbcdefg · October 2009

I would also check with a wholesaler about their delivery dates ... netbride.com, rbridal.com, pearlsplace.com, etc. They might have faster shipping and you'll likely get a discount on the dress, so if it's a matter of money then that might be the answer to your BM's money problem (if money is indeed the problem). I wouldn't worry about the dye lots, since that's all computerized nowadays (and even if there IS a difference, I doubt anyone would notice). But I do agree with weddingbells that it might be worth it to you to just pay for their dresses to avoid drama, if asking her to step down over a dress might mean the end of a friendship. But then again, you'd have the right to ask her to step down if her only reason for not getting the dress is laziness (as opposed to, say, losing her job and not being able to pay for it).

sarabear23 · October 2009

For everyone who said they doubt it is the last possible date that it is available, shut up. That isnt what I said. I want her to do it at a certain time because it can take up to 16 weeks for the dress to come in, and she needs alterations on it as well. Im not using Davids Bridal, so telling me that one of your girls got it there the same day doesnt help. I was asking for ADVICE on what to say to her, not to be criticized for my choice on WHEN the dress should be done. Some of you people are so rude.

blackfire5th · October 2009

Whoa Bridezilla! Have fun with that. BTW- you are hilarious and just made my morning.

mbcdefg · October 2009

For everyone who said they doubt it is the last possible date that it is available, shut up.Gee, and I wonder why your BM isn't willing to do exactly what you say, if you're this much of a peach to her when you don't get your way.

bablingbrooke · October 2009

"For everyone who said they doubt it is the last possible date that it is available, shut up." Whoa, nelly, chill out. If you take this same attitude w/ your BMs, no wonder they never seem to have money. "I want her to do it at a certain time because it can take up to 16 weeks for the dress to come in, and she needs alterations on it as well." It's on her to get alterations done on a rush if she fails to get it in time. "Im not using Davids Bridal, so telling me that one of your girls got it there the same day doesnt help." She was just pointing out that you CAN get it done sooner. How the heck would she know where you got it? I got mine at a boutique and they still only took 8-10 weeks. Sheesh. You have an attitude problem, little girl. "I was asking for ADVICE on what to say to her, not to be criticized for my choice on WHEN the dress should be done. Some of you people are so rude." Pot calling kettle black.

blackfire5th · October 2009

Okay I'll come back and play nice. We were all asuming that you thought this was the last date to order the dress. We were telling you that it might not be and that you need to ask the salon. The reason we were telling you to ask is because we thought that you actually wanted your friend there and we were telling you that you may not need to get upset about this or even have this kicking-out conversation with your friend. If you do want to kick her out over this, realize that it will most likely end the friendship and hurt the friendship with her sister. Also, you didn't tell us where you were getting your dress from, so to my knowledge my davids bridal advice was useful. Now, the question is, do you want advice on how to end the friendship/kick her out or do you want advice on how to keep your friend up there with you?

banana468 · October 2009

I was asking for ADVICE on what to say to her, not to be criticized for my choice on WHEN the dress should be done. Some of you people are so rude.You did receive advice. The issue is that it shouldn't be just up to you regarding when the dress should be purchased and many BMs are well aware of how long it takes.BTW, calling the posters who took the time to answer your questions rude is not nice behavior.

bablingbrooke · October 2009

She's already b!tching about how "rude" we are on her club board.

blackfire5th · October 2009

Which club board? Has she actually linked to this so that they actually know what she said?

bablingbrooke · October 2009

Nope but I did. Inland Empire.

banana468 · October 2009

And please, LISTEN to mbc about calling places like netbride to get a realistic time line for when the dresses can arrive. Plus, ordering from them can save you a few bucks.I highly doubt you HAVE to order the dress now. At six months out, you still have a cushion of time to work with - and as I said in a previous post, many people who have been BMs before are well aware that this doesn't need to be ordered right now.So talk to a place like netbride and find out when their drop dead date is. Take that date to the salon and if they're not in a similar time line say, "I was quoted a much shorter time line by a different place. If you can't guarantee that the dresses will be in by X date if we order by Y time then I think we'll have to take the business to a different wedding shop."And then WITH that time line, you can go to your friend and say, "The dress really does need to be ordered by X date. Let me know what you can do. I'd love you to be standing up there with me but I also understand if you'd prefer to attend as a guest."It puts the ball in HER court without you having to do anything. Then if she doesn't order the right dress, she's removing herself from the WP.(I do assume though that you asked her what her budget was before deciding upon the dress. If you didn't ask her and then just told her that she had to buy a specific dress, it could be the cause of the issue.) .

sarabear23 · October 2009

Im sorry for calling people rude. I do appriciate what everyone has said, and I dont want everyone to think Im a horrible people. So honestly, I am sorry. I dont want to end my friendship with her over this, and I want her there with me on the day. If it comes down to not having her dress, I dont want to stress over it. I really am NOT a bridezilla, or anywhere close to it, Im just a worrier. I want things done early, rather than late, and she (being my friend for 17 years) know that. Im not rude when I mention it to her, nor will I ever be. Her sister is upset about the situation as well. So really, the advice I was looking for is what to say if she doesnt do the dress on time? I dont want to be rude about it or hurt her feelings.Again, Im sorry about being mean to you guys, especially since you took the time to read and respond.:(

banana468 · October 2009

Thanks Sarah. The ladies here give great advice. It may be blunt but it's spot on.It's understandable to want things done early. However it's not your money this time - its theirs. You have to be flexible with that and just trust that they'll meet the appropriate deadlines.THEN, if she says that she'll do what you request and that falls through, you can just say that not having the dress means that she's a guest. It's not you doing anything TO her if it comes down to it. She'd be doing this to herself. There are only a few requirements of being a BM. Buying the dress is one of them.

bablingbrooke · October 2009

Thanks for coming back. We all have moments during wedding planning. I think Banana has given really good advice for how to tell her this. Basically, letting her know that this IS the drop-dead date, beyond which she wouldn't be able to have the dress to be in the wedding, should be sufficient. You never know, she may pull through for you.

sarabear23 · October 2009

She did have a say in which dress, as well as price, so I know that isnt the issue. I set the appointment to place the order and everything for a date just for her so she would have the money. Im just concerned that she will wait and wait and wait to do it until its too late. People DO give good advice, even tho it my not be exaclty what I want to hear. But I do appriciate it.

blackfire5th · October 2009

Thanks for coming back Sara. I was afraid that you were a bridezilla! I can understand why you would be worried, but like many people have said on this board before, to you the wedding is only 6 months away, while to her it is still 6 months away. As time get's closer, she will become more excited and start to worry about not getting the dress. Like PP have said, just call the salon and find out the absolute latest date and let her know. She probably won't order until just before that date. Also, wedding planning should be stressful although it can be. Trust me, the more relaxed you are during planning and the more fun you have, the more fond memories you will have when you look back. I'm sure your friend really wants to do this, she is just waiting until she has to, so I think telling her "the salon says this is the last date" rather than you saying it will really make it stick with her.

bablingbrooke · October 2009

"Im just concerned that she will wait and wait and wait to do it until its too late." I think that's a very valid reason to be concerned. But you can't control what people do short of marching her down to the bridal shop, you know? If you just tell her the cost, when it needs to be done, and that beyond that date it won't be there in time for the wedding, you've done all you can. To throw out a cliche: You've led her to water, but you can't make her drink. She may surprise you. I have a very flaky friend who was a BM, and I was very surprised at how she didn't flake out on half the things I expected her to (although she did flake out on the other half).

sarabear23 · October 2009

About the extra length...She and her sister are both VERY tall. One is 6ft and one is 6ft1. The shop can add 3 inches, and both need that 3 inches, the sample dresses were too short. About the online ordering...Im a firm believer in not ordering things online, because Im afraid it wont fit. The girl Im talking about ordered her wedding gown online, and it was entirely too small.

blackfire5th · October 2009

Wedding planning should *not* be stressful- sorry for the typo

banana468 · October 2009

FWIW, I ordered the BM dresses from netbride and I had great service. You can order the dresses directly from the manufacturer with 'extra length' for the ladies who need it. It's not dependent upon the store. It's just dependent upon an accurate person doing the ordering that's all.

bablingbrooke · October 2009

Did that friend follow the sizing chart properly? Wedding dresses run 2 sizes too small as a rule but I know I didn't know that until I was sized. Maybe she assumed "Oh, I'm a 6" and ordered a 6, not realizing it was really a 2? Online ordering might be a good compromise in this situation if she fails to order from the shop on time. If it doesn't fit right, it's up to her to get it altered.

sarabear23 · October 2009

I know I cant controll what she does, and Im not trying to. Im just worried.

I dont wanna stress, but I cant help it. blahhhhh

i need advice

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