Is this okay??....Our kids in wedding...

keith_ecko · February 2010

So it was brought to our attention today by someone outside the family about our kids in the wedding. Between my FI and I we have 5 children, 14,14,12,11, and 6..Four of them are mine from a previous marriage and she has one, 14 yr old son. The two 14 yr olds will be Jr. Bridesmaid and groomsman. The 6 yr. old, will be our ringbearer. The question was asked why we didn't choose the 12 and 11 year old to be in the actual ceremony. The main reason we originally didn't choose them was because we are worried about having to worry about them. Unfortunately, they are the two who don't pay attention the most, act horrible when they are together, and that is honestly the main reason to be honest. We intended to have them pair up with two older cousins, who are ushers and help pass out programs. The person who asked the question thought we are leaving them out. We never thought of it until now if we are wrong in doing this. We thought them passing out programs would be fine. We aren't doing a unity candle, but sand in a vase for that portion of the ceremony, which they will be included in. Does anyone have the same opinion as this person who asked the question or do you think it is fine the way we have it now???? Opinions are appreciated!

cukimerrydoll · February 2010

I would find some way to incorporate them - ushers would be a good idea, because then they would be sort of off doing their own thing anyway.

Personally, I would be incredibly hurt by this at that age (I'm a middle kid, older sister, younger brother) - when the oldest and the youngest are recognized, but not the middle, it is very easy to feel left out and hurt.

sassyredd2010 · February 2010

i would definatly try to find some way of letting them be in the ceremony. my FI and i both have kids from a previous relationship,{ 3, 4yr old twins, and 5} the i am having the 2 girls (3&5) as the jr bride and the twin boys (4)as the jr grooms. I couldnt imagine how your younger kids could possibly feel once they got older and really understood that they werent part of the ceremony if you decided to go with that. But i can also see why you are worried because they fight so much, i'd try to do like the pp said and have them usher or something because they'd be off doing their own thing. GL i know its a hard decision to make

SarahPLiz · February 2010

I would either let them be BMs or GMs (There is no age limit) or have them be the only ushers. Giving them responsibility to make sure the day goes well could have a good effect on their behavior.

I was a middle child, and if my older sister was a BM and my younger sister was a FG and I got the crap job of handing out programs, I'd be jealous. We al know jealousy induces further bad behavior.

I don't know your kids, but perhaps make them BM/GM and have the conversation with them that they are representing your family on this day and that you trust them to be on their best behavior. Then let it be. Sometimes that leap of faith pays off.

ETA: SOmeone will have to watch them anyway. Wouldn't it be better if they knew the whole congregation was watching them, and they weren't in the back of the church alone being ,mischevious?

goheels05 · February 2010

I disagree with the others. Do your 11 and 12 year old want to be in the bridal party? if so, I think you should let them. Like Sarah said, someone will be watching them, and they'll be more supervised as bridal party members than behind the scenes passing out programs. If they don't want to be in the BP, no need to make them.

aerinpegadrak · February 2010

Why not just ask them what they want to do? As others have said, they'll be supervised no matter what, and they're at an age where they can make the decision themselves. They may choose to pass out programs or just sit it out, but there can't be any hard feelings if it's their choice.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · February 2010

At that age, I would have thought I was too old to be a flower girl and too young to be a BM. As long as you treat their role as just as important as their brother and sister's roles (like getting really excited about it, having them practice at the rehearsal, buying them new clothes, perhaps in the wedding colors) I don't think they'll realize it isn't as "good" of a job to have.

Or have them in the WP if you can. But it is really up to you.

Also, who will be watching them during the ceremony? Grandparents?

annsosa · February 2010

Yes, you should have them be apart of the wedding & make them feel special too. You are a family now. When they get older they won't remember their bad behavior being the reason, but knowing that that's the moment they felt left out. Regardless of a good or bad child they should all feel loved equally. They may require some serious discussions before the wedding so that they know better & know your families expectations. So I vote they all be in it, or none of them be in it.

keith_ecko · February 2010

Well let me elaborate a little more....I've asked quite a few people in the family and they see no big deal with what we decided. Maybe they are just being nice and dont want to add to the stress..

Let me start with our 12 year old. Her mother was just married in August of '09. Her mother called me and told me how terrible she was during her wedding. She didn't pay attention. Didn't follow any direction that was given to her. Completely refused to smile for any wedding pictures. Even went so far to find a way to get out of her cloths for the reception and put on plain cloths...She was in this wedding. Trust me even though this is my X-wife I was furious with my daughter. I at least have enough respect for her mother to back her up on this. She is just one of those kids who can be a complete angel one minute, and off the wall the next. As much as everyone says bad behavior should be excluded, I am not that type of parent. Bad behavior is never acceptable and you have to learn that sometimes their is consequences. I honestly do not want to take a chance the day of the wedding to find out what demeanor she will have. That is the reason I have taken the position I have.

As far as my 11 year old daughter, I disagree that she should be a Jr. Bridesmaid. To me that is just too young. She is fine by herself but get her together with the 12 year old mentioned above and she is horrible. It's just typical kids stuff. Fighting, getting into things they shouldn't. Seriously, do I take a chance on my wedding day?

To me the most logical place for them is being babysat by the older cousin ushers, helping out, doing programs. Small stuff that will help us out, and also build trust. They will be watched by our family better in the pews instead of on stage. This is my opinion.

My mother had mentioned that she been a bridesmaid in only 2 weddings, and she has 4 sisters, countless friends and relatives. She said she was never ever jealous, hurt, or felt left out by not being a bridesmaid. She would have been only 14 when her eldest sister was married and wasn't asked. Wasn't even asked to participate. She said this should be a special priviledge and on this day to keep the stress levels down, make it easier for everyone. Sooo I guess I value everyone's opinions but I just don't agree that there would be any resentment from my children. They are going to be asked to help where we feel they can help us out and I will make sure I tell them that. It's sad that my 6 yr old son is better behaved, does what he is told, and never causes any problems. Hope this helps form a better opinion!

[Deleted User] · February 2010

So in the span of a year, both sets of parents are remarrying? Perhaps she's acting out in response to that. Have you talked to her about how she feels about all of this change? That's a lot going on for a 12 year old girl. I'm not excusing her behavior, but I have to think that there is more to it than her just being bratty for the sake of being a brat.

Is this okay??....Our kids in wedding...

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