feeling a little guilt

icefog34 · October 2009

Does anyone else here carry some guilt about walking down the aisle again? I am really struggling with this for some reason. I told my FI that I was perfectly fine just going to the justice of the peace and calling it good, but since this is his first time getting married, I don't want to take the wonderful experience of a wedding away from him. He's actually very excited and wants to be involved in the whole process. But I feel that I don't deserve to go through it all again, and feel foolish trying on dresses, and attempting to go through the whole planning thing again. I am only recently divorced, but I love my FI tremendously and am determined that we will be together for ever. He wants a semi-formal wedding, me in the white dress, invitations...all that. We're planning on getting married in 18 months because we don't want to rush things (my ex got remarried 5 days after our divorce!). Do I deserve all this pom and circumstance?

handfast4me · October 2009

First, yes, you definitely deserve the pomp and circumstance. Second, it's OK to feel this way. And it's normal. There's a post that we frequently add to questions like this about what's "normal" for a second wedding. I'm sure one of the ladies has it, and will be gracious enough to post it for us. Most of us have either felt some or all of what that post talks about. If you don't want all the hoopla surrounding this event, maybe you and your fi could find some middle ground--like a destination wedding with just the two of you, but an at home reception afterwards. Whatever you decide, it's OK, it's your first wedding to this man, so do what makes your heart sing (which is our motto on this board).

nyrek · October 2009

Ditto that: do you deserve it? Hell Yes!!! I'm in similar situation: He's never been married. We originally were going to take a cruise and get married abroad. But he really wants his family there...he's the last grandchild to get married...so we're having a traditional wedding at home. Have fun and enjoy this...you absolutely deserve it!!!

right1thistime · October 2009

I have the It's Normal post - but its at work. Check back Monday. ~Donna

LesPaul · October 2009

Yes, you do deserve all the pomp and circumstance. We all do. You have a long time to plan your wedding, so take it easy and enjoy the process. Do what feels right for you and your FI. Maybe start with making a list of what is really important to each of you regarding the ceremony and reception to get a good feel for the direction you both want the planning to go.

trueloveatlast · November 2009

I had a similar issue and I had been divorced for 8 years before I remarried! I thought I would feel foolish standing in front of all the relatives who had come to my first wedding and saying "til death" again, because, in my case, they all knew that I was divorced and not widowed.I can think of only 4 couples who attended my second wedding where both husband and wife were never married before. Out of 80 people! Enjoy all the pomp and circumstance - you and your future husband deserve it!

NYHarleyBride · November 2009

Yes, you definitely deserve it! But, you should also do what you are comfortable with. I do think in some cases, time helps. You may still feel like it is too soon (not sure of time in between) for people who were at your first wedding. Waiting 18 months is probably wise, and will give you and FI time to plan things out and be on the same page. You can definitely have a semi-formal wedding, but maybe a little more sophisticated and mature in style, and that will make you more comfortable. In our case, that meant totally eliminating certain things like the bouquet and garter toss...

jeannigirl · November 2009

Believe me all of us the second time around feel those emotions and feelings that we don't deserve it again. Def let your FI have what he is wanting and this is all new has you are marrying this man. GL and have lots of fun planning and preparing for your day.

right1thistime · November 2009

Its normal to feel or want… This post was from 4-19-05. We began the post to help us all understand how normal our feelings and needs really are…This list is what everyone wrote about their normal feelings: Please feel free to add. Its normal to feel guilty that you are having a second wedding Its normal to feel scared to commit again Its normal to have some doubts Its normal to worry that your credibility is in question since you vowed "forever" once before (but it is important to know that your credibility is NOT actually in question, because things change) Its normal to question whether or not you should take his name Its normal to worry about what others think Its normal to read the etiquette posts and want to cry Its normal to WANT to have the wedding of your dreams for the man of your dreams Its normal to want all the cheesey things first brides get:) Its normal to be more scared of moving in and combining your belongings than it is to get married Its normal to put up walls It's normal NOT to have the support of every family member It's normal to want to "connect" with other 2nd timers It's normal to "test" him ... again and again It's normal to think at first - we don't deserve certain things It's normal to cry/be upset when reminded of the first failure It's normal to keep putting things off (that guilt thing again) It's normal to have issues when kids are involved It's normal to feel like you have the letter " D " on your forehead YES, it's normal to be HAPPY and EXCITED when you're ready to accept it! * Its normal to have heightened anxiety Its normal to overanalyze every single comment he makes, about you, your kids, your future, your wedding...looking for the cue that its going to fall apart. Its normal to partition off (is that what you meant by walls, Sassee?) those parts of you that were hurt the worst in the past, and be cautious about being vulnerable to him. Its normal to be MamaBear where your kids are concerned, and to be surprised when you feel those MamaBear feelings about HIS kids, or when he becomes PaPa Bear with yours. Its normal to look up waiting for the other shoe to drop Its normal to sometimes just find yourself smiling again Its normal to have just learned the definition of healthy (no matter how old you are) Its normal to need to go to therapy Its normal to be a control freak Its normal to not be good at asking for help (Pealie, these last two are for us) Its normal for you to feel like you have to keep your excitement a secret Its normal to be afraid to lose the BEST thing that has happened to you in a very long time. Its normal to wake up at night & look at him and be amazed he's there. Its normal to want a GUARANTEE that he will not be taken from you by some freak event. It is normal to feel uncomfortable but grateful when your family/friends want to throw parties/showers to celebrate your happiness. It is normal to be pleasantly surprised when FI does not act/respond like DH did. It is normal to feel bad that you get two weddings and some of your good friends have not had one yet. It is normal to obsess about your dress and wonder if it is 'appropriate' enough but realize that sackcloth and ashes for you would not match with tuxes and pretty dresses for everyone else! It is normal to not have something (garter, bouquet toss, etc)for your second wedding just because you had it for your first. It is normal to worry about your child(ren) getting enough love and attention since you now have FI. It's normal to want your family to be just as happy this time as the last time! It's normal to cut and paste this into a document that you can refer to daily, just to remind yourself of exactly how normal you are! It's NORMAL to worry what his family specifically thinks of you, your kids, your parenting style, whatever. It's NORMAL to have a few bumps in the road with the stepkids. It's NORMAL to wonder who's going to compile this into one list and repost it so we can all print it out and post it somewhere prominent. LOL! It's NORMAL to wonder if he's for real because he's just SO perfect for you and your family. It’s NORMAL for things you hated in your past marriage to bother you now. You just have to explain to FI why.

thealphabride · November 2009

Of course you deserve it, this is your first wedding to your fiance!

jessiebr · November 2009

This list is amazing! OMG I can identify with almost every single one, except for the ones involving children. I love having a connection of all of you brides. It is very comforting. I am so excited for all of us...and yes, I am finally realizing that we deserve it!

Sweetz9422 · November 2009

I just wanted to say that i feel like someone has read my mind. I have so much guilt/anxiety about my second wedding that I haven't made one decision yet. I was married for two years to the guy I had been with since high school, and we just grew up, and grew apart. I now have met the man of my dreams and we're engaged (he was married before too). But I feel weird talking about my upcoming wedding or getting excited about it. And I feel like no one is as excited for me as they were the first time around. My mom said she assumes I'll go away and come back married. I don't expect the same response as the first time I got engaged, but I'm also hurt that no one seems to care or really even acknowledge it. The "its normal to feel or want.." literally made me cry. Its amazing that I can go on the computer and someone understands how I feel, when no one around me does. THanks for posting your experience. Good luck with everything. And follow your heart. People may have their opinions, but you have to do what you and your fi want. The people who truly love you will understand and support you no matter what.

ChocolateDiamond1 · November 2009

that list was amazing and listed everything I think about all the time when I am looking at wedding things! Thank you for posting that!

Julie0514 · November 2009

WOW - thanks so much to all for sharing! I relate so much to everything being said by the second-timers, especially the “it’s normal” list. I am engaged to the man of my dreams, who has a young child but was never married before. I got divorced a little over 5 years ago and YES I am feeling this flood of emotions – lack of support from my family, guilt over “taking away” from FI’s wedding experience… I am so glad I ended what was a terrible marriage (only lasted a year and a half and he was overseas for 9 months of it) but so very said that it (at least to outsiders) takes away from the love and joy I found in FI.P.S. - Silly question... I registered on this site for my first wedding, and now I can't change my username

Any way around this?

TheEncoreBride · November 2009

I don't feel any guilt at all, I've been divorced for 8 years and during that time I dated all kind of "wrongs". Now that I have my "right" I want to clebrate finding the love of my life regardless if my family wants to come, regardless if we both had weddings before, regardless of any of those things. You need to celebrate finding the "one" regardless of how other's feel about. Frankly if I would've cared less what others thought I would've never married the first time and would have avoided a divorce, financial ruin as a result, etc. etc. I say do what makes you feel happy and as someone else mentioned maybe because you haven't been divorced longer is that you feel this way, by the time your wedding comes around you'll be happy and ready, no doubt. Many people spend a lifetime with the wrong person or no one at all, be happy and grateful that you found "the one" and forget abotu what other's say!

sdidivido · December 2009

Absolutely fitting post. I can relate to every one of those! Thanks for posting it! One thing I have learned through the last couple of years is to not waste time surrounding myself with people who base their happiness on whether or not I am conmplying with what they think is "appropriate". I lost a lot of friends and a bunch of family because their "happiness" was based on who they thought I should be married to and how my divorce was effecting they marriages and social life. Are you flippin kidding me is all I can say to that! We have a saying now, either you are on our side and love us because of who we are, or get on the bus! CYa! You have to be happy with yourself before you can enjoy happiness with someone else, you can't base your happiness on how happy others are. Does that make sense? Maybe not to all, but to me, it sure does. I remind myself that daily when I have these guilt sad thoughts. I lost the person closes to me in the world who I grew up with and was like my sister when I divorced. She just couldnt stand by me through a divorce. She even said I would be with you through anything, you could tell me you murdered someone and I would help you bury the body and never judge you, but I just can't forgive this. WOW! First of all, bizarre, second of all, who has the problem? ???? I am ranting now, please forgive me! I think you wedding should fit you and you and he seem fit, thats all!

2dBride · December 2009

When I first got engaged, I figured I would just wear a dress I already owned to the wedding, since it was my second time. However, my wife (who was never married before) is the daughter of someone who made custom wedding dresses, and that just wouldn't have felt like a wedding to her. One thing led to another, and on my 56th birthday I was married in an ivory strapless gown with a train (the first strapless dress I ever wore!), a veil with a tiara, pearls, opera gloves, a crinoline, bridal slippers, and a big arm bouquet. From my perspective, it was more important to let her have the wedding she wanted (at least within our budget constraints) than to worry about what was "appropriate" for a second wedding.

And no one said a thing. Of the people at our wedding, one was my ex-husband, one was his sister who had been divorced twice, the two married couples both consisted of people all of whom both had been married to someone else before, two were women in their late 30s who have never been married, one was my sister who was attending without her husband because he is a homophobic idiot, and two were my kids, who love my wife and were happy to have her officially in the family. Even at our reception, which was much larger (60 people), people were just happy to see us so happy, and not lecturing us on what was "appropriate."

feeling a little guilt

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