Hotel Accomodations

DBean00 · November 2009

Hi All, Did/Do any of you require (I know that word sounds harsh) your bridal party to book hotel rooms for the night of your wedding. We are having an after party and I would like them ALL to attend and stay with us. I'm not really sure how to get this point a crossed to all of them. I have secured a discounted rate and most have booked expect for 4. I am going to suggest it again in the wedding newsletter however I need help wording that we "highly encourage" them. ..any advise?THANKS!

aerinpegadrak · November 2009

Well, I'm having a DW, so all of my guests are booking hotel rooms, so I'm not much help there.Honestly, you may need to offer to cover some of the expense for them, especially if these remaining 4 don't know each other well enough to want to share a room. If I were local to a wedding and had an easy way of getting home, I'd more than likely prefer to skip the after-party and save my money. Even discounted, hotels get expensive.

SarahPLiz · November 2009

I think the furthest you could go is to say that there is an afterparty at X place and that there are discounted hotel rooms for those that wish to stay there. I don't think you should require them to. If they have family or friends in town, or live in town, they might not stay at a hotel at all, and I don't think you should require them to have that expense. They may also resent having extra social duties after the wedding, in case they want to go home and sleep. IMO, afterparties are strictly optional. After the wedding they are no longer obligated to be anywhere with you.

Leah&Christian09 · November 2009

We didn't. Some did, some didn't. If you require it, you have to pay for it.

bablingbrooke · November 2009

No. They're off duty after the ceremony. If they want to attend the afterparty that's their business. Same as if they choose whether to attend the shower, bach party, RD, or any other wedding event. And I'm just curious: Why do you want so many people staying w/ you on your wedding night? It kind of seems like a night you'd want to yourself (that's how DH and I felt about it, anyway).

CTGirl30 · November 2009

If you're going to "require"/ "strongly encourage" that they stay at the afterparty hotel, then you should really pay for their rooms there. What if they want to attend the afterparty but don't want to stay at the hotel? I hope you won't push the issue in that case - being a BM can really get to be pretty pricey and if someone "strongly encouraged" / required me to stay in a hotel that I'd need to pay for myself because the bride wanted me to stay there after her afterparty I'm not sure I'd be too pleased to hear that.

mbcdefg · November 2009

If you're not paying for it then you can't require it in any way, shape or form. That also counts "we highly encourage you to book a room."If you are paying for their rooms, then you have a bit more pull, but it's still pretty bridezilla to demand that they stay there if they'd rather not. They're not required to attend your after-party. Once the ceremony and formal pics have been finished, then they've fulfilled their wedding party requirements. Instead of writing this in a wedding newsletter, which is probably going to come off as passive-aggressive (assuming they even read that part), pick up the phone and CALL them to ask if they would like to book a room. If they're not booking because of money issues, perhaps you can offer to help out. If they're not booking because they would rather not, then drop the subject and do not hold it against them.

Liz4444 · November 2009

i wouldn't even use the words "highly encourage", it's still making it seem like an obligation. if you do want to make it an obligation, then you have to pay for it. i'm pretty sure that they know that you want them at any parties that are being had, they are, afterall, your closest friends. just say that you have secured a discouted rate at the hotel for anyone who would like to take advantage of it. if they want to come to your afterparty, they will, whether they are staying in the hotel or not. are you in a city where cabs are readily available? that makes going home after very easy without having to worry about drinking and driving.

Simply Fated · November 2009

Of course you would like them all to attend... but you can't require them to shell out more cash for hotel rooms. You can invite them to the after party and suggest the available discounted rooms to them.. but if you make it "required" then you need to be ready to pay for this.

DBean00 · November 2009

Again, I'm not using the word REQUIRE. They are not "off duty" after the ceremony. They agreed to be a part of our wedding party. They haven't had to do ANYTHING and they all have money for an $89 room rate. If they were broke it would be a totally different story. As part of our wedding party, and as a member of wedding parties in the past, you do what the couple would like you to do (within reason obviously). I am not trying to be some bridezilla, I am very low mantance however this is ONE day we are asking of them. If you were a BM in a wedding and she wanted you to spend the night before with her in a hotel I'm sure you ALL would. These aren't aquaintances these are close friends who should want to make our wedding day/night memorable.Just because some people like to have their wedding night to themselves doesn't make us wrong for wanting an after party.

aerinpegadrak · November 2009

$89 isn't exactly a cheap hotel. How other people choose to spend their money is none of your business, even if these people have agreed to wear clothing of your choice and stand next to you at the front of a church.You may not be saying "required," but that's the sentiment that you're trying to get across, by your own admission. Of course you want your wedding party at all of your wedding events, but they aren't required to attend anything except the wedding itself. I attended the wedding of a friend who I love dearly, but when everyone else went out to party after the rehearsal dinner, I went back to the hotel to sleep. It didn't mean I loved her any less than those other people, it meant that I had been up since 5 in the morning and was dead tired.

bablingbrooke · November 2009

"Again, I'm not using the word REQUIRE." But you're asking how to require them without actually requiring them. "They are not "off duty" after the ceremony. They agreed to be a part of our wedding party." And those duties end after the ceremony. They're guests at the reception after that, albeit in a more honored position than the average guest. "They haven't had to do ANYTHING and they all have money for an $89 room rate. If they were broke it would be a totally different story." You still don't get to dictate what they spend their money on outside the dress. It's neither fair nor right to judge people for how they choose to spend their money. And you don't know their financial situations; one doesn't need to be broke to believe that $89 for a hotel room isn't in their budget for this event. "As part of our wedding party, and as a member of wedding parties in the past, you do what the couple would like you to do (within reason obviously)." Exactly, within reason. Which means they may not think it reasonable to pay for a hotel room as part of what they signed up to do. "If you were a BM in a wedding and she wanted you to spend the night before with her in a hotel I'm sure you ALL would." Not necessarily. It would depend on where, how much, and how long this afterparty was expected to go. "These aren't aquaintances these are close friends who should want to make our wedding day/night memorable." All the more reason to respect their decision not to attend the afterparty. You seem to be taking it personally and I don't think that's the reason they aren't doing it. It might be, but it just as likely might not be. It could be 100 other reasons. "Just because some people like to have their wedding night to themselves doesn't make us wrong for wanting an after party." I never said you were wrong, I was just asking why. Afterparties are unheard of in my circle. No need to get defensive.

banana468 · November 2009

Actually, after the ceremony the BM 'duties' are over and they're your honored guests at the reception - the event that's for all your guests.The only required aspects that they have are the attire which I assume they purchased or rented however please correct me if that's not the case.Beyond that, you can't require their attendance at the after party or that they get hotel rooms. Technically the etiquette holds that you arrange for accomodations for your wedding party - meaning it's at your cost for the things that require overnights in hotels. Most people can be OK with the hotel stay but not everyone is.What I'd do: tell everyone that you're planning an after party and you'd love it if they're able to make it. If they so desire, you've arranged a block of rooms at X hotel in case they'd like to attend. However you need to leave that as optional - because that part is.

aerinpegadrak · November 2009

Also, your wedding is two weeks before Christmas. $89 can go a long way toward Christmas expenses. Again, it's none of your business how people spend their money, and this goes double during the holidays.

bablingbrooke · November 2009

I do want to ask if this is a local wedding to the WP or is it far away? I would be much more amenable to paying for a hotel room if the wedding was driving distance but still far away (i.e. an hour or two). Not the case if the wedding is in the same city as where I live.

CTGirl30 · November 2009

Again, I'm not using the word REQUIRE. But you're really expecting them to. And you're looking for ways to say that without saying it, you know? By asking how do you word it that we "strongly encourage" you to stay in the hotel after the afterparty...you're asking how to let them know you expect them to. They are not "off duty" after the ceremony. They agreed to be a part of our wedding party. Okay, so after the ceremony & reception are they to remain at your beck and call? That sounds really selfish if you think about how that sounds. I'm they'll want to be there as your friends, but you can't EXPECT that they attend additional functions - if someone is tired or not feeling well or just wants to head home after, then that's her business. Don't be offended in that case. They haven't had to do ANYTHING and they all have money for an $89 room rate. If they were broke it would be a totally different story. Did they have to buy a dress / shoes or did you pay for all of their attire / allow them to wear their own shoes they already had? Did anyone have to buy a plane ticket or make arrangements to take time off work to be there for your wedding? Those are all things people may have done for your wedding. How do you know for certain what someone else's finances allow? And how do you know they WANT to spend $89 on a hotel room? If you were a BM in a wedding and she wanted you to spend the night before with her in a hotel I'm sure you ALL would. Don't assume that...not necessarily the case. These aren't aquaintances these are close friends who should want to make our wedding day/night memorable.You and your FI should be the 2 people most concerned about making your wedding day / night memorable. It's fine to want your friends there and hope they'll continue to celebrate with you after but the way it's coming off is as sounding very demanding and expecting that. You are getting married. This is a cause for celebration, yes, but it certainly does not mean you are now entitled to have everyone else cater to your every whim.

DBean00 · November 2009

The wedding is local however we don't want poeple driving drunk. No one had to pay for a plane ticket or miss any work. The groomsmen have paid $50 for the tuxes and bridesmaids have paid $120 for the dresses because I got discounts for both. They can wear shoes they already own. I am paying for their hair/makeup and acessories such as a fur wrap. I think I just think differently than the rest of you. I have talked to my MOH and his BM and they have all done things like this for previous weddings they were a part of. In past weddings I have been in I do what is asked of me. This is their day and I try to do everything I can to help them achieve it. As a MOH I would make sure the bride always had a drink and had something to eat. I would help her in the bathroom and clean up after the wedding for her. So I don't believe duties stop after the ceremony and I'm sorry if it offends anyone that I think that way. I'm really not trying to be mean but I guess I do take it personally. One of the groomsmen wants people to come back to his house when our wedding is over and I just think its rude. He missed FI bachelor party so in MY mind I think its the least he can do.

Leah&Christian09 · November 2009

What is it about weddings that makes people think they should be able to dictate how other people spend their money? You can't make them get a room. Even if you pay for it, you can't make them stay in it. Even if they all just won $938 million in the mega cash ball. It's still ridiculous and demanding to try to make them spend $89 on the hotel room.

Leah&Christian09 · November 2009

The wedding is local however we don't want poeple driving drunk. You forgot to add that they are all children and you don't trust taht they can hire a cab/get a DD on their own.

bablingbrooke · November 2009

I appreciate you want them to be safe, but I don't quite buy that excuse since you apparently aren't concerned that your other guests will drive drunk. And it's not rude for the GM to invite ppl to his house. He, like most people, probably assumes that you want alone time on your wedding night.

DBean00 · November 2009

If they can't pay $89 for a hotel room I doubt they could afford a cab for a 30 miles drive.

DBean00 · November 2009

We have encouraged all of our guests to get a room and 40 of them have.

aerinpegadrak · November 2009

It's great that you've chosen to do that for all of those other weddings, but you were going above and beyond. If people choose to do only the bare minimum in a wedding party, that's their right.Honestly, being told that I have to attend a party when I really don't feel like it turns the evening into as much fun as a trip to the dentist. Your WP has already likely spent most if not all of their day with you; if they'd rather do something else once it's all over, that's entirely their right.Again, if I were attending a local wedding, there's no way in hell I'd shell out for a hotel room, especially not two weeks before Christmas. If the bride decided to make a big stink about it, I probably wouldn't return her phone calls for a while.

mbcdefg · November 2009

You're not getting the point here. The after-party is NOT YOUR WEDDING. Your wedding is the ceremony, and to a smaller extent the party that follows. Attending a mandatory after-party is not in the job requirements of a bridesmaid or groomsman. There is no way to tell them that they must attend the after-party without being a giant bridezilla. Period. No one here is faulting you for wanting an after-party. No one here is disagreeing with you because they feel that the couple should be alone. If you think that's why you're not getting support, then you are completely wrong. People are disagreeing with you because it is extremely rude, unreasonable and demanding to require people to attend an after-party. They've already attended your wedding. And frankly, if your supposed closest friends do not want to attend an after-party with you, then I would take a look in the mirror and ask yourself WHY that is. Your demanding attitude in this post could very well have something to do with that.

Simply Fated · November 2009

"One of the groomsmen wants people to come back to his house when our wedding is over and I just think its rude."Ok, so is this really about how you are upset that while you are spending time alone with your new husband, your bridal party will be off having a good time without you?Because that is exactly what it sounds like to me with that statement.

Leah&Christian09 · November 2009

If they can't pay $89 for a hotel room I doubt they could afford a cab for a 30 miles drive. It's none of your business how they spend their money. None. At all. Zilch.They may want to be at home that night. They may know a cab driver. They may get a DD. They may want to stay at a cheaper hotel or friends' house. They may just want to be in their own bed.

trix1223 · November 2009

Oh my goodness! You may think you're not a bridezilla, but your writings certainly make you seem like you're teetering the BZ line. You are incorrect that the WP's "duties" don't end after the ceremony. They do. As Banana said, they're your honored guests after the ceremony. And you absolutely CANNOT dictate that they stay in a hotel if they are local. It's not YOUR decision about whether they drive home or not. They are, presumably adults, who can and should make their own decisions. You're not their mommy. And frankly, I don't think their possibly drinking and driving had ANYTHING to do with this decision. If it was that big a concern, you would have mentioned it in your OP. You didn't. You said you wanted ALL your WP to attend a party and stay with you. Because, presumably it's your spay-shul day. The drinking and driving thing was backpedaling. As for this: "I'm really not trying to be mean but I guess I do take it personally. One of the groomsmen wants people to come back to his house when our wedding is over and I just think its rude. He missed FI bachelor party so in MY mind I think its the least he can do" is just stunning. You're punishing a GM because he couldn't make your FI's b-party? Since he didn't go to that, he can't have friends over at his house to kick back and relax after the wedding? One is NOT contingent on the other. You really need to let go of this. You've already got your friends for the rehearsal the night before, and then all day of your wedding. That's plenty. And FWIW: I find it really, really weird that you want a bunch of people, friends or not, staying with you on your wedding night. I have to tell you that I wouldn't be part of it, especially if I lived in town. I'd have had enough of wedding stuff. You need to realize NOW that no one will be as excited as you are about your wedding. You may want wedding stuff to go on and on and on, but your friends won't feel that way. Heck, I was ready to go home and chill out after my own children's weddings. Let go of this. Enjoy your rehearsal. Love every second of your ceremony. Have a great time at your rehearsal. And then let the "private party" with you and your FI commence.

banana468 · November 2009

So I don't believe duties stop after the ceremony and I'm sorry if it offends anyone that I think that way. I'm really not trying to be mean but I guess I do take it personally. One of the groomsmen wants people to come back to his house when our wedding is over and I just think its rude. He missed FI bachelor party so in MY mind I think its the least he can do. I think the issue is that the two statements conflict and the first may be your view but it's incorrect. You can't expect that people will have the same view on wedding party duties as you. It's fantastic that you'll go above and beyond for a friend's wedding but you can't force that on others. At the end of the reception, you can't force another party on others. Some may want to duck out because they're fatigued or they have other obligations. Telling you this up front doesn't make them bad friends. It's them being honest with you and you do need to reespect that.Once the ceremony is over the reception begins and that's FOR the guests. Just like you can't force anyone invited to attend, you can't force your wedding party to attend the reception either. It turns what can be an awesome party into something that's not as fun because they feel like they have to do it.If the GM backs out then it's his to miss - but if you make it seem like the after party is something that he has to go to then where's the fun in that? It's like attending a forced family event just to please the mother in law. You never wind up having a good time but you do it to keep her quiet. Please don't be that friend to the wedding party.Instead, make it awesome but don't make it a requirement - because you can't. As they're all adults, let them use the free will that they have. I can't blame you for not wanting them to drive drunk but you also do need to trust that they'll be OK. FWIW, I've been to tons of weddings and I've never left one, including my own in a shape where I couldn't drive unless I had a hotel room. You really do need to trust your friends to do the same and please don't make it seem like the friendship is contingent upon them doing something for you. Good friends to put those restrictions on one another.

SarahPLiz · November 2009

If you are worried about drunk driving, and that is the only reason, not just a cop out, then you should word it as " YOu are in vited to an afterparty at X. We have arranged a block of rooms at X for $Y in case any of you would like to stay there in leiu of driving home" And you stated specifically that they agreed to be in your "wedding party". So they go to the wedding and reception. If you want the reception to be longer, work with your venue, but those are the only places they are expected to be on that day. What if they are tired or its not thier style to stay up all night and party? Personally, I would NOT stay with a bride in a hotel room the night before if I was local. I would sleep in my own bed. She is hopefully a grown woman and doesn't need a night light a security blanket/friend to get a good night's sleep. Also, if I had been up since the crack of dawn getting pretty, taking pictures, being in a ceremony, and being on my best behavior t a reception, I would be TIRED. I would want to go home and be in my bed, asleep, because I am a morning person. Assuming that your BP loves you less because they have different sleeep schedules/needs is just selfish.

gottahavashorti · November 2009

Again, I'm not using the word REQUIRE.No, but you're pretty much requiring it.They are not "off duty" after the ceremony.I'll give you this one, if you're doing wedding party pictures after the ceremony. But after that, they're off the hook.They haven't had to do ANYTHING and they all have money for an $89 room rate. As PP's have said, their money/spending is their business. $89 is expensive when compared to the free cost of a night at home.If you were a BM in a wedding and she wanted you to spend the night before with her in a hotel I'm sure you ALL would.Doubtful. I prefer to get ready at home, and am very far from being even a tiny bit of a morning person. A bride should not want to be subjected to being with me in a confined space prior to processing my morning coffee.If you would like to do these things as a BM, that's nice of you. If they plan to drink, sure they should stay over, unless they have a ride. But it is their choice whether they would like to participate in extras.

bablingbrooke · November 2009

Look, you can come up with all the justifications you want, no one is going to tell you this is a good idea and that you should steamroll this because it's what you want for your wedding. I would consider that 10-12 people on a message board are telling you something is a bad idea. There is no conspiracy, and we are all from different parts of the country/world with different backgrounds. If the consensus is that it's not appropriate to demand/require/highly encourage this, it's probably not appropriate to demand/require/highly encourage this. For the record, I followed the advice on this board about many, many things and didn't have any wedding drama and still had a great wedding. So it's not like people are trying to stamp out your fun.

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