BM issues

Nano78 · November 2009

hello ladies- I was hoping that you guys can give me a bit of advise..My wedding is in 4 months and I have 5 BM..one of the girls is my little cousin, when I got engaged (1 yr. ago this month) she along with my aunt (her mother) were not only hinting that I make my cousin part of the WP but were throwing signs everywhere..about a month after I got engaged I had a talk with my cousin about the responsiblities of being a BM..especially the financial responsilbilites (she's not in the best position financially either) and that is why I hesitated to ask her because I knew it would be a bit too much for her..She assured me that she would be able to pay for her share..I said fine and asked her to be a BM..then my cousin hinted (again) to make her daughter (who is also my god-daughter) to be my flower girl, assuring me that she would be able to pay for her as well, and again I said ok..now, the BM dresses are half paid for (which I helped my cousin with this expense) and I am ordering their shoes..when I told my cousin how much ($60 and they are custom made and they will be able to wear them again) she flipped and said that is too much money and she can't afford to pay for her and her daughter so I need to look for something else..I am so mad because I knew this was going to happen, I am thinking of asking her to step down but I don't know if this is the best thing to do..my aunt called me to explain the situation and I understand that they are financiallly strapped, I told my aunt if this is too much for my cousin that I will ask her to step down, and no hurt feelings but my aunt said no, don't be silly, she'll pay for her share..the thing is my cousin is 22 yrs. old and not communicating with me..I'm thinking of waiting a few days then having a heart-to-heart with my cousin..what do I do? I'm sorry for the lengthy writing, I needed to vent..Thanks ladies

bablingbrooke · November 2009

Why on earth did you have a talk w/ her about the financial responsibilities of being a BM? Way to set a tone that comes across as bridezilla. BMs are your closest friends, not staff who need to open their wallets every time you say so. Don't ask her to step down. If she can't afford it, she can't afford it. But the fact that she's using her mom as a go-between indicates that 1) she's upset with you, 2) she expects you'll be very upset with her and not understand her situation, and 3) you've created an environment where your BMs are afraid to upset you, which is NOT where you want to be. Stop emphasizing what your BMs owe you and focus on the friendship that you owe them.

mbcdefg · November 2009

Telling them that you would only ask them to be BMs if they could handle the "responsibilities" and "financial responsibilities" of the job was wrong and pretentious. Plus you're completely missing the purpose of having BMs ... BMs are supposed to be your closest friends. And if you want them standing up there with you, then you find a way to make it work (choosing cheap dresses, not requiring lame matching shoes for them, helping them out with cash) ... you don't just say, "I expect you to pay $xxx otherwise you can't be in the wedding party."And if you did not ask the BMs about their budgets before you picked out dresses and shoes (and again, matching shoes are completely unnecessary), then you are again in the wrong. You don't just say, "Your share is $xxx so cough it up." You say, "What do you think you can afford for a dress and alterations?"You need to go apologize to your cousin, pronto.

aerinpegadrak · November 2009

I've never paid $60 for a pair of shoes in my life, not even my ballroom shoes. The shoes for my own wedding cost $40 on eBay. I'm making good money right now, but if a bride wanted me to spend that kind of money on freaking shoes, I would find my schedule for that weekend mysteriously full.If she's having financial issues, you may be putting her in a position where she has to choose between paying rent, feeding her daughter, paying bills, etc, and BUYING A DRESS. Are you seriously considering putting her in that kind of position? She won't decide in your favor, I promise you.

SarahPLiz · November 2009

You are seriously going to ask a family emember to step down as bridesmaid because she can't afford the expensive shoes you are making her buy? Do you realize how cold that sounds? It matters not that you didn't orignally choose her, but you did ask her, so you can't unask her because she has run into some difficulties. The important part is that she is standing up there next to you, clean, sober, and not naked. IMO, shoes are optional. Maybe she COULD wear the shoes again, but they may not be her style so she may not. WHile she should have communicated to you, you should also communicate and get your BM's sense of what is ok to spend before you go dictating to your family and friends how they spend their money. These people love and care about you, and I hope they still do after this day. Don't set yourself up for a lifetime of hard feelings over the shoes that someone will wear for a few hours on one day. Don't be shallow and uncaring with family and friends. That is often a mistake you can't take back.

kae101 · November 2009

Personally, I think being asked to pay $60 for shoes is a bit much. (I loved that most of my friends just asked us to wear a shoe that complimented the dress) What else are you asking them to pay for? Anything above the dress (which was hopefully picked based on the price all your BM's could afford) is a bit much, IMO. Does your cousin have any shoes that are similar to the ones you're ordering for the rest of the girls (no one is going to be looking at the BM's feet)? When it comes time to pay for the rest of the dress, notify your cousin.

gottahavashorti · November 2009

Don't ask her to step down or hand over the money. If you're requiring $60 shoes, you should pay for them and expect that they may be very uncomfortable for some of the girls. Let her wear shoes she already has and get the flower girl dress on sale from a clothing store or Burlington after Easter.For some people, $60 dress shoes are reasonable. For others, it's very expensive. I've also never spent $60+ for a pair of shoes, except for riding boots that would last 5-10 years of fairly regular wear.

caymans_christy · November 2009

It appears that you were guilted into asking your cousin to be a BM. What's done is done... You cannot ask her to step down at this point, she can back out if it is a problem but it sounds like her mother (your aunt) is willing to pick up the expenses. Did you talk to her and your other BMs about what they could afford? Are the shoes really a big deal? Are the other BMs balking at the costs? If you really want your cousin and god daughter to be a part of your WP, you either need to work it out with your cousin and her mom (i.e let her select her own shoes), or pick up the expenses yourself. It sounds like she has a lot going on in her life. If you are close enough with your cousin that she asked you to be her child's god-parent, then I think you should be close enough to her to talk about this. No accusations, but just that you were hurt that the conversation went through your aunt. Don't let a pair of shoes come between your family... vent, biitch about it (not to her or your aunt) for a few minutes, and then move on and get to the important part - marrying your FI with your friends and family by your side. 5 years from now, a pair of shoes is not going to matter...

banana468 · November 2009

It appears that things may have been handled poorly by a few people and it's starting to ripple.I'll agree that while it's common, it's not right for family to say who has to be in the WP. However while the best intentions might be there, it's not great to say, "To be a BM I expect *this*. It comes off as that the honor is contingent upon payment - and thta's not exactly a great feeling that they get.Beyond that, when it comes to buying dresses and attire, the better way to go would have been to ask them what they can spend total and to go from there, leaving shoes as something where you indicate style and color (ideally a neutral of some type). To dictate the cost of everything that they have to come up with can create issues.So now that things are in place, what I'd do is say to the cousin that if there are any issues, let you know but you'll cover the difference. From there, be flexible on the shoes - custom ones just aren't needed.And ideally after that, the monetary issues are resolved. Asking her or telling her to "step down" is never the solution if you want to keep the relationship.

Leah&Christian09 · November 2009

If you require specifc shoes, you have to pay for them. When picking our BM dresses, you ask each BM for their budget and start there. If you go over budget, you pay the difference. Asking someone to step down (you mean, kicking them out of your wedding) because they can't afford your requirements that are out of their budget is just beyond belief.

Simply Fated · November 2009

$60 for a pair a shoes is is a lot. You can start by helping her to find shoes within her budget. Shoes are shoes.. as long as they are comfortable, then that is all that matters.

tiffspff · November 2009

I love shoes. And for a good pair of running shoes, a nice pair of boots, or a good pair of heels, I'll pay a reasonable amount. But that's when I love the shoe and pick the cost. I would be upset with someone telling me I had to buy a $60 pair of shoes. My bridesmaids all wore silver shoes. They picked them out themselves, one I think already had shoes that she wore, one bought them at Target, several at DSW. They picked their price range and the shoe that was most comfortable for them. Maybe you could help your cousin out by buying the flower girl dress? Don't ask her to step down though, it'll ruin your relationship and she's your family.

Nano78 · November 2009

Well, I see all of your points..I'm not bridezilla and I am not a cold person..I originally talked to my cousin about finances because I know her situation and I didn't want to put her in a deeper one, I already help pay for half of her expenses as well as her daughters. A while back I had BM lunch at my house so all the girls get to know each other and we did talk about budgets because I want them to be able to enjoy this and not feel this as an obligation..everyone agreed to what they could afford and I took them with me dress shopping for their opinions..when I found the shoes I was a bit hesitant because of the price and I had one of the girls with me and she said, no these are fine and they are within budget..I sent pics of the shoes to all of the girls along with the price tag and asked all their opinions, stating that if this was too much I would keep looking..they're all an board but my cousin. All of my girls are dear to me and it is honor for all of them to stand next to me and I would NEVER ask anyone to go broke for me, fighting over money is silly and simply absurd..My cousin is extremely irresponsible but I love her to death..All the girls have to pay for is the dress and the shoes..nothing else..I hate bringing up finances because it makes me sound petty in which I am not. My cousin thought that it was the bride's responsiblity for everthing, including the dress shoes, I mean she even asked me to give her $$ for her hair and make up which I am not asking them to do..

aerinpegadrak · November 2009

You can't let one of your BMs speak for all of them, especially when it comes to finances. Sure, that particular girl clearly didn't have a problem with the shoes, but your cousin clearly does. Honestly, you should probably back down on the shoes and let everyone wear something of their choosing. It's not worth the drama, and within families, wedding drama can last a lifetime.

banana468 · November 2009

I think the issue is just as PP said. You need to ask them individually what they're OK with buying.If you want your cousin in the shoes then you can buy them for her or just keep it optional.

mbcdefg · November 2009

But please realize that there is a BIG difference between asking someone her dress budget in private, versus asking them all in a group. If the first girl says $150, then the others may feel like they have to agree to that even if they feel it's too much (or if they could spend a bit more). Likewise, it is a different thing to send them an e-mail and say, "These are the shoes that we want, is it O.K. with you?" So many times, we hear that bridesmaids are "biitches" if they don't go along with what the bride wants. Indeed, you keep saying "Everyone is O.K. with XYZ except my cousin." So then why was it presented as an "option" to her then, if you're just going to get frustrated if she refuses? It's not really an option in that case, is it?Like PP said, you cannot let one bridesmaid speak for all of them. She does not have the right to say that they should all wear matching shoes, or that a certain-priced or certain style of dress is O.K. for everyone. You need to ask EVERYONE if they're O.K. with it, and respect them if they say that they are not O.K.Start by relaxing the shoe requirement, and just pick out a neutral color that coordinates with the dresses (black, silver, gold, bronze) and let them find their own shoes. And if the dress is too much money for her, then help out with some cash. As far as the hair and makeup, do not give her the money ... just say, "Since I am not requiring pro hair and makeup then I am not paying for it. Feel free to find your own stylist or do your own beauty routine. If you want some leads for a stylist let me know and I will research options for you."

Leah&Christian09 · November 2009

they're all an board but my cousin.Exactly. So the shoes are out of budget, unless you want to pay for them.

bablingbrooke · November 2009

No one called you a bridezilla. I said the tone you set can come across as bridezilla and, considering your cousin isn't speaking to you because of it, probably did. Just tell them shoes are optional. Apologize to cousin, even if you don't think you did anything wrong--do it to mend the fence. Problems solved.

jamalina · November 2009

I just glanced through people's responses & they seem really harsh. I don't think $60 is a lot for a pair of shoes! I told my girls they can wear any shoe as long as their silver. But that's not the point. When someone is asked to be in a wedding they should understand that it is alot of money & they will have to buy a dress & possibly help with other things. If they can't afford they should say no. If I really wanted someone in my wedding but they couldn't afford it, I would offer to help, as I have with some of my own bridemaids.

bablingbrooke · November 2009

jamalina, way to miss the point. A BM should not be forced into expenses outside her means. And a bride is never, EVER excused from not taking that into account. I have never had to buy special shoes as a BM and would refuse if asked to spend $60 on shoes. My wedding shoes were $30 for goodness sake. Now, if the bride requires the $60 shoes, she is more than welcome to buy them for me. And if not, she is more than welcome to host me as a guest.

jamalina · November 2009

No one is forcing ANYONE into expenses - IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO BE IN A WEDDING YOU SAY NO. Why is that hard to understand. She took her cousin's financial situation into account from the very beginning. I don't think hair, makeup, or shoes should be required at all. And I am not "forcing" my girls to do any of that. I'm saying you guys are harsh. You are anyway..."way to miss the point"...I got the point

SarahPLiz · November 2009

Yeah, you are missing hte point. The point of your bridal party is to honor your closest friends by having them stand with you during their ceremony. They are not there to make your pictures look good, your party look symettrical, to throw you parties, or to do anything else but stand there as a sign of support for your union with your FI. If your closest friend is broke, are they no longer your closest friend? YOU are honoring THEM by having them stand with you.. they don't have to bow to you and spend ANY money. This is why you should have budget conversations with your BM, privately, before you pick dresses, shoes, etc. If that person is important enough for you to ask them to be a BM, then you should be flexible on the budget. As a bride, and most importantly as a FRIEND, you should be focused on the person as a person, and not as a BM. I am so glad I waited until I was older to get married so I didn't worry about any of this petty stuff.

mbcdefg · November 2009

No one is forcing ANYONE into expenses - IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO BE IN A WEDDING YOU SAY NO. The original poster was not upfront with the cousin about the expenses of the wedding. Case in point:when I told my cousin how much ($60 and they are custom made and they will be able to wear them again) she flipped and said that is too much money and she can't afford to pay for her and her daughter so I need to look for something elseThe shoes came into play AFTER the OP asked the cousin to be a bridesmaid. Meaning, there was no discussion of $60 shoes when the cousin agreed to be a bridesmaid. So to blindside her with a request for $60 shoes, and then get upset when the cousin said she couldn't afford that, is what's unreasonable here.

jamalina · November 2009

I think pp are missing my point. Oh well. Good luck to you Nano78.

zitiqueen · November 2009

I don't think anybody is missing your point, which is if you're willing to spend $60 on shoes, then everybody should be willing to spend $60 on shoes. The point you are refusing to acknowledge is the OP never informed her cousin of the special-order shoes when she initially discussed the budget with her. She blindsided her with it afterwards.

LarissaAnn · November 2009

*I* am generally willing to spend $60 on shoes. BUT 1. That doesn't mean everyone is. 2. That seems to mean, in this case, you're getting everyone the same style shoe, which sucks for them because they may not be comfy for anyone. 3. They sounds like potentially very crappy shoes, since any GOOD custom shoes I've ever seen have been in the hundreds of dollars, not $60. I don't know what sort of "custom" shoes you can get for $60. Also, since these are allegedly custom made shoes, did you have each BM individually fitted for them? Seems like you'd have to and then the cost of the shoes wouldn't have been a surprise. Since it was a surprise, something in this story doesn't jive. Why are you forcing them into these shoes, exactly?

Liz4444 · November 2009

larissa, i think she means the custom-dyed shoes, i think that's around the price for those. at least that's what i'm assuming, it would make the most sense. unless she's talking about those crystalized flip flops which people seem to be so intent on having... $60 for those would just be silly...

Nano78 · November 2009

Wow..I didn't think that I would get this much feedback..The shoes are fitted especially to their feet so they will not be uncomfortable with a 2" heel..the issue is that I did take into account their finances and in private as well as in a group..I sent all of them an email as well as on fb regarding the shoes, and I specified to all of them that if this was too much then I would continue looking. All of the girls did not have a problem except to the one who is used to me ALWAYS paying her way..from her rent down to a new clothes on a monthly basis for her daughter..My cousin is the type of person that thinks that the world owes her..And to the person who said that these are crappy shoes, that was extremely rude and uncalled for!!I feel bad asking my cousin to pay for anything, I am paying for half of her dress and she got mad at me because I am not paying for hair..I'm not requiring them to do their hair..The shoes are silver and are actually really cute..now, after all of this I am just thinking to look for other shoes..and according to my aunt even $30 is too much..

Leah&Christian09 · November 2009

Here's the deal with shoes: If you require that your BMs wear specific shoes, you pay for them. It doesn't matter if they cost $100 or $12. If you dictate shoes or any accessory, you pay for it. If you don't want to pay for shoes for your cousin (or the other BMs), you should pick a color (black, silver, gold, white, copper, brown) and let them choose their own shoe. So yes, $30 is too much to ask them to pay for shoes.

bablingbrooke · November 2009

Nano, if you would just stop requiring a special shoe your cousin wouldn't have anything to complain about! Surely she already owns a pair of silver shoes, or can buy some in her price range. Just tell them "Wear any silver shoe of your choice." I did that w/ my BMs and it worked out fine. The other things I agree you don't have to pay for and you've been accommodating. But to keep pushing the uniform shoe issue doesn't make sense to me. This is not a hill you want to die on. No one notices the BMs' shoes and I can promise you that you own't notice or care. Think about the last five weddings you've been to: What color shoes were the BMs wearing? I can't answer that question and I bet you can't either.

Nano78 · November 2009

Well thank you ladies for your suggestions, even though some are you are very harsh..I've been thinking about this all day, and I took a picture of a shoe that is very nice, I am sending it to everyone and telling them get something along these lines at their leisure, at their expense and have them by january because that is when their fittings begin. I have way too much crap on my plate to argue over a damn pair of shoes that they will only wear for the ceremony because I am getting them nice flip flops to change into. My cousin is who she is, her daughter's christening is in a couple of weeks and my fiance and I are paying for it..I am just annoyed that when it comes to what my cousin wants, she is not considering me but when I want something, I'm the bad inconsiderate one.. family!!

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