Siblings at wedding

cmpark · July 2010

We are planning to go on a cruise and get married next October.
The whole time, I have been saying that it will just be his parents, my parents and us. Last week my mother ( who is paying ) realizes that means that I wasn't planning on inviting my brother. My fiance's sisters are not financially stable to drop their lives and spend that much money on a cruise for a week. I thought since I know! his sisters couldn't come that I shouldn't invite any siblings. . . Is this rude? My mother says its rude to not invite my brother because his sisters can't afford it. I thought it was being considerate.

Brie2010 · July 2010

I think you should invite all the siblings.

It's not your place to decide what his sisters can and can't spend money on. They're adults. If they can't afford it, they can decline.

chigirl2010 · July 2010

Are you *sure* they can't afford it? I thought there were people I've invited who wouldn't be able to afford to come to my wedding but they are going to save up and make it.

loop0406 · July 2010

I think you should invite them out of courtesy, it's up to them if they can financially make it or not

Mrs.B6302007 · July 2010

it's not fair for you to decide they can't come because they can't afford it. That's their business and their call to make. Invite the siblings.

noodle_oo · July 2010

From my point of view: i'd be bummed if I wasn't even invited to my sister or brother's wedding. They are immediate family. If you guys are close at all, I'm sure your brother (and FI's sisters) would at least appreciate the invite. if they can't afford to come, that is their own decision. But to be left out, that would hurt.

BeeBee22 · July 2010

I agree you should invite all the siblings, or at least not NOT invite them for financial reasons (if you just don't want any siblings that's another thing).

It's entirely possible that the FILs will pay for their daughters if they can afford it and the daughters really can't. There was a time when I was just out of college and broke when my parents flew me to a family event or two, and I paid for my brother's plane fare when he was in a similar financial position. It's not unusual to be financially unstable right now (though of course I don't know this particular situation).

If the ILs can afford it, it would probably be well worth it to them to have everyone together for such an event with vacation thrown it.

angie74 · July 2010

I would be so pissed if my brother or sister didn't invite me to their weddings. that's horrible.

invite them and let them decide if they can afford it

cmpark · July 2010

Should I just open it to whoever wants to come then ? Family and friend wise.

danieliza1127 · July 2010

My oldest brother just got married and didn't invite any of us, because it was his 3rd wedding. Even though I wouldn't have been able to go, I am still VERY hurt that I wasn't even invited and had to find out through my Mom and FB pictures.

You should invite all of your siblings and let them make their own decision about whether they can afford to go or not. Who knows, maybe your FI's parents would help his sisters pay for it. Either way, it's not your judgment to make about their finances. I would invite them.

ohwhynot · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_siblings-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8f8bcc40-4eb3-4ec1-a3ee-74c2765a34e8Post:d6567217-0e99-4d2a-a484-beb7239e164a">Re: Siblings at wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Should I just open it to whoever wants to come then ? Family and friend wise.
Posted by cmpark[/QUOTE]

Not necessarily; a "family only" wedding celebration is perfectly acceptable. If you want friends to join you, then sure - go ahead and invite them.

cengle · July 2010

Invite the siblings. Whether or not you want to invite others is up to you; if you want to keep it just immediate family only, that's perfectly fine.
I know I would be extremely hurt if my brother didn't invite me to his wedding, and I would find a way to get there, even if my finances weren't up to par. Invite them; if they can't come, then at least they know you were thinking of them.

banana468 · July 2010

I'd be BEYOND hurt if my brother didn't invite me to his wedding.

I'd also feel insulted if he even chose a ceremony that I couldn't attend as a way to exclude me.

chigirl2010 · July 2010

Immediate family only is fine. Invite friends if you want though.

cmpark · July 2010

I just want to clarity and am trying to put myself in their shoes, i dont know. My fiance and I foot his one sisters utilites some times to keep them from being shut off, so it's not like I'm unsure of their finances. And as far as his his parents paying. His dad is layed off and his mother works two jobs to make ends meet. That's why my parents are paying for us and his parents.
Is this whole thing a bad idea should we push it back another year or just him and i elope?

ohwhynot · July 2010

You just have to decide what is more important to you - having your families there or being married on a cruise. You don't need to elope - you can have a simple civil ceremony locally and take everyone out for dinner or even lunch aftrwards. You and your fi can take the cruise as your honeymoon.

arv266 · July 2010

19 years later, it still stings that I was not invited to my brother's wedding as it was his 2nd he and his Fi decided that I wouldnt want to attend...

Invite all the siblings. What they do with their invitation is up to them, but at least give them the option.

banana468 · July 2010

Why can't you do the cruise for a honeymoon? Or is the cruise local enough that they could drive to it? I've heard of some people getting married before the ship leaves so it's not like everyone would have to be on the trip.

danieliza1127 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_siblings-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8f8bcc40-4eb3-4ec1-a3ee-74c2765a34e8Post:c408ea28-9488-4e53-a081-c12f04f85af9">Re: Siblings at wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]You just have to decide what is more important to you - having your families there or being married on a cruise. You don't need to elope - you can have a simple civil ceremony locally and take everyone out for dinner or even lunch aftrwards. You and your fi can take the cruise as your honeymoon.
Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]

I agree with this.

carrieoz_76 · July 2010

If you really want to have a cruise wedding, with family only in in attendance, invite your parents and siblings. If you want friends, too, invite them. This is totally your call.

But I agree that you shouldn't NOT invite siblings (or anyone else for that matter) simply because you are concerned that they can't come due to finances or any other reason. An invitation is just that - an invitation, which can be accepted or declined. It's not an obligation.

We have a GM who can't attend our DW for reasons that are more than understandable. He's disappointed that he can't make it, but I know he'd have been really hurt if we just hadn't invited him at all.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_siblings-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8f8bcc40-4eb3-4ec1-a3ee-74c2765a34e8Post:b3db0fa8-67cc-43e3-b99e-64a07dec041b">Re: Siblings at wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you should invite all the siblings. It's not your place to decide what his sisters can and can't spend money on. They're adults. If they can't afford it, they can decline.
Posted by Brie2010[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. Invite the people you WANT to be there without assumptions. Hell, my mom is paying for my brother's flight and hotel room because he probably couldn't afford it otherwise.

Some cruise ships will allow you to do the ceremony while the boat is docked with a small reception afterward - you get to board early. Then you can go on the cruise and everyone who does not want to cruise can disembark.

scoetto · July 2010

You really should invite the siblings even if you know they won't be able to make it. We weren't invited to SIL's wedding, then we were, and this past weekend we were uninvited again - 9 mos out. I will never forgive her (but there are other issues not worth going in to).

Knittibell · July 2010

Um, yeah- your mom is right. Invite all the siblings- them attending or not, for whatever reason, is out of your hands- but definitely invite ALL of them, and spouses, if applicable.

I also agree with other posters that maybe it's better to have a simple wedding followed by a really nice lunch or fancy dinner someplace for all the immediate family, and then you two go off on a cruise!

wadingmoose · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_siblings-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8f8bcc40-4eb3-4ec1-a3ee-74c2765a34e8Post:b3db0fa8-67cc-43e3-b99e-64a07dec041b">Re: Siblings at wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you should invite all the siblings. It's not your place to decide what his sisters can and can't spend money on. They're adults. If they can't afford it, they can decline.
Posted by Brie2010[/QUOTE]

Yeah. this.

I'll be honest. I changed my plans to involve something I knew my brother could afford to attend. That was more important than getting married on a beach - to me.

Beachy730 · July 2010

I would be really mad if I wasn't invited to my brothers wedding (if he ever has one), even if I knew I couldn't afford it. And I probably would cause a big fight if I found out I was only not invited because the future siblins in law couldn't afford to go. invite them all, and let them decide if they can go or not. As for your friends, if you want them to have the option of going, invite them. Invite whoever you want. Nobody is going to go into debt to attend your wedding, so if they can't afford it they will decline. But being invited is nice.

I also agree with PPs on your venue. You are entitled to whatever wedding you want to have, and if that means you want to get married on a cruise then so be it. But if its more important to you to have your siblings there then I would consider doing a small ceremony and treating everyone to dinner after at a restaurant or something. LIke a PP said, what is more important to you? Family and friends being there, or being on a cruise? I would have loved to do a DW somewhere but we both have grandparents that would never attend so that was out of the question.

catemeg · July 2010

I honestly don't think inviting them is enough - if my brother married a woman without me there, whether it was because I wasn't invited or wasn't able to afford the travel costs to attend, I would probably resent that woman forever. And that's about as fair and balanced as I can get on this issue. I'm not judging you, I'm letting you know that if your FI's sisters are at all close with him, this is going to be an insult that you may not be able to get past.

To me, having a wedding that immediate family cannot attend is not an option. If my parents and brother can't be there, I won't get married. If I were in your shoes, I would get married someplace that they all could attend - immediate family only is totally acceptable, so if you just wanted parents and siblings, that's fine. You can take the cruise as a family trip, or a pre-wedding trip, with those who can afford it (and invite them all). But I would not under any circumstances get married without my brother there, even if we had to travel to him.

BluValkyrie · July 2010

Like the PP have said, invite them.

Personally, I'd rather be invited and decline than just not be invited because of my finacial stituation. In doing so, you're treating adults like children by deciding that they can't come.

Your mother is right on this one.

heyimbren · July 2010

try thinking of it this way:

you may strongly believe that they will not be able to come.

but sending an invitations says that you would LIKE them to attend. that it would mean something for them to be there with you. an invitation does not oblige them to come in any way as PP have said.

unless you and your FI are estranged from your siblings, or you have some very strong feelings about not having them there (i.e. you really don't want them there) and you're okay with hurting that relationship with them- then send an invitation. it won't cost you that much money.

brookelynpaisley · July 2010

Invite the siblings. They're your immediate family. It's up to them to decide they can't make the trip

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