Feeling awkward...

Peachblossom51 · November 2009

So I just found out my FI's family is telling everyone that we'll be doing a dollar dance and that they need to be sure to bring dollars with them...I am not ok with this. I didn't even think the dollar dance was going to occur...FI has never been to a wedding without one...and his family is very unhappy that I said I had no intentions of doing one - I think they are horribly tacky and in some ways just plain wrong. I'll dance with any of my guests for free! Any way to avoid this... She's the type of MIL that will take it upon herself to start it if it gets "forgotten"...ya know intentionally...I need some backup, and I have greatly offended his family I was told...FI just doesn't get that people don't really do this anymore...gah I needed to vent and get some ammo.TIA!

trix1223 · November 2009

I married into a family that did dollar dances. My DH and I did NOT want one.My father told the bandleader that if they started one, or let anyone have the mic without checking with him first, they wouldn't be paid.We didn't have a problem and we didn't have a dollar dance. Can you do something like that-let your dj know that you are NOT going to have a dollar dance, and that no one can make any announcements without checking with you first.You can also have your FI tell his mom (should come from his as it's his mom) that you don't want to do this, and you won't. If a dollar dance starts, you'll both leave the dance floor and head for the bathroom, bar, whatever. GL. (I detest dollar dances as well!)

jenn.daniel · November 2009

way to go trix!!

Leah&Christian09 · November 2009

I agree. It's so rude to ask people to pay for a dance! I would have a conversation with the DJ, and ask FI to have a conversation with his mother.

aerinpegadrak · November 2009

I don't know, I've heard of instances where the couple had no intention of having a dollar dance, and guests started lining up, cash in hand, without having anything announced. I guess some guests just really like doing it.You need to get your FI on the same page first. Make sure he knows how uncomfortable the idea makes you. Maybe you can gather some of the dollar dance threads on various boards and show him that there's a lot of negative opinion out there toward it. Once you bring him around to your side, you can present a united front to FMIL. But if it's really that big a deal to your FI's family, be aware that some guests will try to give you a cash gift during a dance. Just accept it graciously, and figure out where you can stash the cash.

[Deleted User] · November 2009

I agree with Trix.

bobbirox · November 2009

if they are already going to have dollars in their pocket, offer an alternative of something for them to do with their dollars. set up a money tree with clothes pins or paper clips where they can attach their dollars. i think part of the fun of the dollar dances is that they feel like they are gifting you with money to begin your future. and you dancing with them is a way of saying thanks. i vetoed the dollar dance idea for my wedding, but if they insisted on bringing money, i'd provide a place for them to put it. maybe you could put a table with a notepad or paper where they can write their well wishes for your future and attach those with their money to your tree.

trix1223 · November 2009

Please DO NOT do a money tree instead of a dollar dance. Of the two which are both crass, a money tree is the worse of the two. At least in a dollar dance you get to speak to the bride/groom.A money tree is just a blatant cash grab. A year ago a bride was asking for a cute poem to put by her money tree. I wrote a couple: Normal 0 false false false MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} A haiku: We want your money Attach it to this tree now. Then you can go home. Or in iambic pentameter: We planned this great big wedding but we're very short of cash. So we've put up a lovely tree to help us fund this bash. Open up your wallet, Find the biggest bills you own, Now attach them to a branch And then you can go home. For all we really wanted was your money, and not you. We just could not afford this What else were we to do?

Catwoman708 · November 2009

Sometimes to gain an ally, you have to ask for a small favor. Like to ask them for advice. Instead of fighting with MIL, maybe you could make her your ally. Explain your dillemma and ask for her help. If you don't have the dollar dance, her side of the family will be offended. If you DO have it, your side of the family will be offended. Then explain that FI is torn and doesn't know who to try to please, and he is very stressed about it. Ask what she would do in your position, or how you should handle your mother being offended. If all else fails, go with the wishes of the ones paying for the reception, and explain it's really not up to MIL. Or you can put it in your contract with the DJ/band that it will not be allowed no matter who tells him otherwise. OR just sic your mother on FMIL, LOL.

megk8oz · November 2009

Ditto on Catwoman, at least the part about siccing YOUR mother on FMIL (Although, it never hurts to "make nice" with the FMIL)If you're from a family that "doesn't do" dollar dances, maybe if somebody from your family (besides you) explained your family's feelings on the matter, your FI's family might be more understanding. At the moment, coming from just you, your FMIL's probably just thinking (Since DDs are normal to their family) "Oh Peachblossom just heard about this from some silly wedding show, and she's just trying to be 'trendy' now, she'll regret not doing this in a few years though!" and to her by insisting on it, she's probably convinced she's "helping you see the error of your ways". Not to mention, even the coolest of mom's get touchy when it comes to their sons getting married (Especially if your FI doesn't have any sisters-in which case, she probably will never get to have the whole MOB experience, which can make the MIL a dangerous beast). So really there's probably a few things going on here and she's just seeing what HER family does and assuming that's what EVERYBODY does. And I'm sure that to her, you taking out the DD is like taking out 'cutting the cake' or something huge, and since she can't imagine a wedding WITHOUT this, she's probably thinking her family needs to set you straight.If your mother/parents and yourself could just sit down and explain your own feelings on the matter. Like "Well, we know you THINK everybody does this, but this is how OUR family feels on the matter ... is there something else we could do that you find more 'traditional', as this is really important to us NOT to do?". Maybe if you originally weren't going to do the bouquet/garter toss or were planning to scrap another thing his family finds "traditonal" at wedding, perhaps see if adding one of those in would be considered an "even trade".And trust me, you are not wrong here, dollar dances are NOT a requirement to make your marriage legal, so you really don't need to do one if it makes you uncomfortable. I know a lot of people here go back and forth on whether or not it's tacky. In some areas it's perfectly normal, in others it's not. Best wishes!

Peachblossom51 · November 2009

Thanks so much for all the advice ladies! I showed my FI and he was surprised that people didn't like the dollar dance. He assumed since it's done (especially where we are from) people must enjoy it. My FMIL doesn't give adive, she tells people what to do and how to do it and it better be done her way...she's very opinionated and loves to be in control.We are paying for the reception so we are going to tell our DJ to make sure no one starts this! FI has told his Mom that we probably won't be doing it and she said - "what if I pay for your DJ, then we can do all the dances that people do at weddings!" Thank god we already took care of the DJ...So FI and I are safe from the dollar dance...until Jan. 16, then I'll have to let you all know if anyone tries to get sneaky!

Feeling awkward...

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