A donation has been made...

M&R7111 · July 2010

So I'm trying to come up with a unique idea for favors. I really liked the ideas of everyone getting a scratch off lottery ticket (including a penny with our marriage year) as a favor. I figure they will be fun and a great way to start convo at the tables.

I brought this by FI today and he says "Or - you can give them an envelope that says "a donation has been made in your name...". I really, really, really don't want to go that route so I shot it down right away.

He talks about the wedding he went to where they had "Live Strong" bracelets - I shot it down again, stating he only liked the favor b/c he LOVES Lance Armstrong (seriously, I am SO GLAD the tour is over - if I had to hear what "Lance" did today one more time I will scream!)

BUT - then he brings up his bff from high school who died in a car crash about 4 years ago. They hold a 5K for him every year, and there are blue bracelets for the scholarship fund. So he want's to have a donation favor to support the scholarship fund in honor of his dead friend. Now how do I, and can I, shoot this down?

I still think donations are horrible favors. Also, FI totally doesn't get it. I kind of want to show him all the posts on here about how donations are not wedding favors!!!! But now it's personal to him , so I can't just say NO.

redheadfsu · July 2010

Can you do both? As a guest, if the donation was personal like this, then it wouldn't bother me.

M&R7111 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_donation-made?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6063e606-4e50-4208-b614-80eac3a351baPost:daedb45d-29a1-4241-9cfb-8b0f1a70367b">Re: A donation has been made...</a>:
[QUOTE]Can you do both? As a guest, if the donation was personal like this, then it wouldn't bother me.
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

I plan to. Maybe have a small sign somewhere that said "a donation has been made to XYZ fund."

However, we were trying to conserve cost - and he finds the scratch-offs tacky, while his is "personal". So I know he's going to make an argument to choose one.

AdeleDazeem · July 2010

I just dislike Lance Armstrong. I wish I could put my finger on why. I would not like a livestrong bracelet.

I like your scratch ticket favor. If your fiance wants to make a donation, tell him to just make one and not associate it with the wedding.

Brie2010 · July 2010

Make a donation to his friend's charity but don't say anything. He could wear one of the blue bracelets and you could put yours around your bouquet--a friend of mine did this for her wedding and it worked really well.

I'd never wear a bracelet for a charity I didn't personally support. Actually, I support charities and don't even like those bracelets so I don't wear them. The odds that your guests are going to be moved enough to wear these bracelets regularly are really, really low.

M&R7111 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_donation-made?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6063e606-4e50-4208-b614-80eac3a351baPost:9e272d5d-eb8e-4819-a13a-2fa131e6d274">Re: A donation has been made...</a>:
[QUOTE]Make a donation to his friend's charity but don't say anything. He could wear one of the blue bracelets and you could put yours around your bouquet--a friend of mine did this for her wedding and it worked really well. I'd never wear a bracelet for a charity I didn't personally support. Actually, I support charities and don't even like those bracelets so I don't wear them. The odds that your guests are going to be moved enough to wear these bracelets regularly are really, really low.
Posted by Brie2010[/QUOTE]

I totally agree, now, how to get FI to understand this????

Brie2010 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_donation-made?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6063e606-4e50-4208-b614-80eac3a351baPost:aa6c7dc2-47e3-4eb1-b401-a7f95f7c05ff">Re: A donation has been made...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: A donation has been made... : I totally agree, now, how to get FI to understand this????
Posted by M&R7111[/QUOTE]

"FI, why don't you and I wear the bracelets? We know your friend and this cause means a lot to us, but random strangers who don't know him won't be compelled to wear bracelets representing his life since they didn't know him. Think about how much more money we could donate to his scholarship fund if we didn't buy these!"

Lisa8888 · July 2010

Donations are horrible favors. A favor is a gift to guests. A donation you make is not a gift to a guest. And this donation about a deceased friend is a downer.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · July 2010

Not to sound harsh, but your wedding is about your marriage, not about his dead friend. That's why they have the 5k every year - to support the charity and the memory of his friend. Weddings = just not the time or place. I'd probably start the conversation with, "I know he meant a lot to you and all, but..." I like Brie's suggestion of doing something more personal.

M&R7111 · July 2010

msmerymac - not harsh at all - that was what I was thinking. haha.

My thoughts are also this - my grandfather just passed away a few months ago, so did a very close uncle of mine. I am really hurt they are gone. We decided not to make any special note of these two men because it would be a downer for their widdows and other people who loved them.

Why the heck should my favors be in honor of his dead friend??

hcbrowne · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_donation-made?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6063e606-4e50-4208-b614-80eac3a351baPost:12ab9bd7-1481-4989-a67f-e403c26ddf8b">Re: A donation has been made...</a>:
[QUOTE]msmerymac - not harsh at all - that was what I was thinking. haha. My thoughts are also this - my grandfather just passed away a few months ago, so did a very close uncle of mine. I am really hurt they are gone. We decided not to make any special note of these two men because it would be a downer for their widdows and other people who loved them. Why the heck should my favors be in honor of his dead friend??
Posted by M&R7111[/QUOTE]

I think you just found a great way to explain to him why its not a good idea.

M&R7111 · July 2010

Your right hc!

I guess I just needed to "talk it out"! Thanks ladies

2dBride · July 2010

You can always give a donation--in honor of your wedding or for any other reason. However, is there some reason to announce the donation to your friends? It is not actually a favor to them.

LesPaul · July 2010

Please don't turn your wedding into a fundraiser. Yes, there are many worthy causes out there, but this really isn't the place for it. I agree w/ Brie - FI can wear the bracelet, or wrap it around your bouquet, or put an 'In memoriam" note in the program for your friend, but don't AW your donation as something in lieu of favors. Donate if you wish, and skip the favors if you wish, but don't donate on your guests' behalf.

mysticl · July 2010

Here's the other thing about ribbons and those braclets..........there are soooooooo many of them now that only certain ones are truly recognizable. As soon as I read blue bracelet the one I have to support my favorite charity popped into my head.

Don't do favors at all, odds are no one will miss them. Donate the money to the scholarship fund. Tell him that making an announcement about it at your wedding could seem like you are trying to "look good" to your guests. And some people will see it that way, that you are fishing to be told what wonderful people you are.

M&R7111 · July 2010

Well, this is funny.

I posted this same question on the "favors" board - and got different responses.

Many of them are like "what's wrong with a donation as a favor? It's for a good cause"

Good grief. I've told FI donations are not favors, but he disagrees with me (citing that other people do it). I tell him "that doesn't make it right!!" He's really stubborn on this. Apparently, to him, there is no point in donating in honor of our wedding if we aren't going to announce it to people (??!????!??!!) Other than saying "but people on the knot said it's not a good idea..." I have no back up to my opinion of it being a horrible favor - actually, it's NOT a favor. I've checked wedding etiquette sites and they are 50/50 on the topic.

urrggg!!!

sarah0725 · July 2010

You could just do a donation and then not have favors, or bake some cookies or something. Most of the time, people don't really want the favors unless they're edible anyway.

aprovencher21 · July 2010

I'm torn on the donation issue. We're doing a donation to honor my FMIL and my aunt (that I'm unbelievably close to) who are both currently suffering from cancer. We're not calling the donation of favor.....but we are mentioning it as a surprise for both women.

However, I wouldn't call it a favor to your guests. Ours is more of a surprise. I'm all for remembering important people on your wedding day. My Pop Pop passed 6 years ago and we're remembering him with a brief moment of silence and the lighting of a memorial candle. I

penad5 · July 2010

My question is... is it worth it? PP have said and it's true people won't miss the favors, and even if you got them something most would toss them anyway. If it's that important to your FI, is it worth taking that away from him?
No matter what you do someone is going to say it's poor etiquette, so maybe this is one you just let FI have and try to feel good that you're making the donation

I'd go with compromising with the man i'm spending my life with over possibly offending a few people because they didn't get a bag of candies to eat, or a photo frame to toss in a drawer at home

mysticl · July 2010

Pena, I think the issue is not so much that people would rather have the candy or the picture frame but that they may NOT support the charity and be offended that anything was done in their name. I'm not talking about cold and heartless people but some people don't like certain charitable organizations because of their buisness practices, i.e. some charities use the majority of the money for the administrative costs and very little goes the actual cause. I think we can all agree that scholarship funds are great but...does all or at least most of the money go to scholarships or does the adminstrator of the fund have a really fancy office? Is all of their paperwork in line, are they actually a charitable organization? These are the kinds of things I want to know before I donate.

penad5 · July 2010

Mystic, yes you may offend some people - but my point was in this case the charity sounds like something close to his heart. My opinion is that this charity is more important to her FI than the few people who wouldn't agree with it - and it may not be worth hurting her FI over.

And really if someone is truly offended by the charity OP is talking about - it's not like it's the charity of "giving guns to kids", it sounds more like a preventative charity -(just rememeber it's a scholarship - they need to get over themselves and see the intent behind the gesture. Just my opinion of course

MyNameIsNot · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_donation-made?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6063e606-4e50-4208-b614-80eac3a351baPost:50a6658d-7f2a-425a-b7ba-ba3d3612e1a6">Re: A donation has been made...</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, this is funny. I posted this same question on the "favors" board - and got different responses. Many of them are like "what's wrong with a donation as a favor? It's for a good cause" Good grief. I've told FI donations are not favors, but he disagrees with me (citing that other people do it). I tell him "that doesn't make it right!!" He's really stubborn on this. Apparently, to him, there is no point in donating in honor of our wedding if we aren't going to announce it to people (??!????!??!!) Other than saying "but people on the knot said it's not a good idea..." I have no back up to my opinion of it being a horrible favor - actually, it's NOT a favor. I've checked wedding etiquette sites and they are 50/50 on the topic. urrggg!!!
Posted by M&R7111[/QUOTE]

<div>This is exactly why donation favors are such a turn off to people. It looks like you are donating just so you can brag about it. </div>

M&R7111 · July 2010

This is the real issue - I would be embarrassed to have this as a favor because I consider it poor form.

I'm not picky about what the favors are - I'm 100% for not having ANY! But there is no supporting evidence that I'm more right than he is on the etiquette issue here. Also, he has now turned this personal for him, because the scholarship fund is in honor of his dead best friend. So it makes it even harder to push my dislike for the idea.

I am not arguing whether or not the donation favors are good/bad - I'm trying to figure out how not to have one w/o offending FI because this is important to him. I might just have to risk offending people, I guess it's not the end of the world. Just not happy about it!

penad5 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_donation-made?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6063e606-4e50-4208-b614-80eac3a351baPost:0eabbda9-daa3-4938-8fe9-615d889e7119">Re: A donation has been made...</a>:
[QUOTE] am not arguing whether or not the donation favors are good/bad - I'm trying to figure out how not to have one w/o offending FI because this is important to him. I might just have to risk offending people, I guess it's not the end of the world. Just not happy about it!
Posted by M&R7111[/QUOTE]

Marriage is all about compromise - maybe as PP have said you can do it without calling it a favor - just have a sign that says in memory of we've made a donation - you're not calling it a favor so your kinda happy, but your doing the donation and bringing attention to it so he's kinda happy

mysticl · July 2010

OP, sounds like you might be stuck doing this. So how to do it in a way you both can live with. Would this friend have been in the wedding if he lived? This may be completely cheesy and off the wall but could you do some sort "of in memory of" and present the "donation" as his GM gift? It's clearly time to get creative.

As for the etiquette have you looked at some of the actual experts' sites as opposed to a public forum where people give their opinions or what they learned growing up? That might give you some more concrete information.

Penda, Like I said I have no problem with scholarship funds, my question as someone who donates is does anyone actually receive a scholarship or does the fund just have really fancy offices and the staff get amazing paychecks? Personally, I'd probably wouldn't be offended if a couple did this at a wedding (depending on the charity) but I can see all the issues some people would have with it.

M&R7111 · July 2010

Well, another annoyance is that we were not going to do any favors at all. It wasn't an issue but FI's mom won't get off my back about favors (she calls every day to see if I want to go to the dollar store w/ her because there are these "cute" frames with wedding bells on them..."

So I said to FI - hey, so here is a fun idea (lotto cards) because I'm not spending the money on some chotckie crap people will throw away later.

THEN he mentions donating to a charity - to which I said "no". THEN he bring's up "jim's fund".

Sooo, the underlying story here is that we don't have the extra cash to spend on favors - I was going to do it to keep FMIL quiet, and now it's looking like it's going to be a donation.

If it wasn't for the favor debate between me and FMIL, there would be no donation to this fund. FI was never planning on donating until I said I'll fold and do favors. So it still doesn't solve my favor dilemma if we make a secret donation. Now we will be forking out 2x the $$.

I would be fine if FI had planned to make a donation in honor of our marriage in the first place. He is basically saying this is what we should do AS a favor.

wadingmoose · July 2010

I'm one of the few people who really doesn't have a problem with donations in lieu of favors. In lieu of being the operative word, not in the names of the guests as a favor.

I tend to be friends with people who support normal charities and causes so I'm good with it. I suppose if your friends are out protesting at funerals with that looney "church" then... well, I question your taste in friends, personally.

M&R7111 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_donation-made?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6063e606-4e50-4208-b614-80eac3a351baPost:b8f9b916-f662-4585-b3fe-c9e18fcee683">Re: A donation has been made...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm one of the few people who really doesn't have a problem with donations in lieu of favors. In lieu of being the operative word, not in the names of the guests as a favor. I tend to be friends with people who support normal charities and causes so I'm good with it. I suppose if your friends are out protesting at funerals with that looney "church" then... well, I question your taste in friends, personally.
Posted by wadingmoose[/QUOTE]

I'm confused, WHOSE friends are doing this?

And that's not the question, I, as a person, do not feel that it is proper to have a donation be "in lieu" or any part of a wedding favor. Therefore, I would be embarrassed if they were my wedding favors. I do not want that - and I'm not picky about the wedding. Actually, if it were up to me there would be a backyard BBQ and no traditional nonsense.

My issue is that FI - out of the blue - want's to make his dead friend's bracelet a favor. Not a donation just because he wants to donate - he wants them to be a FAVOR - 100% favor - and I think it's wrong.

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