Compromise

Pirata13 · November 2009

What was something you and FI/DH had to talk out and compromise on? Whether it was family, time spent with hobbies, time to devote to each other, work etc? An issue has kind of come up for me that I think we may differ on. FI is in rehearsal for another show, and just for several reasons (it falling around the holidays, him not being able to get out of ONE rehearsal to attend my uncle's wedding reception this Saturday etc) it has me thinking a lot. We both are involved in theatre, but it is not a career for either of us. I enjoy doing a show here and there, but I also enjoy having time to spend with FI, our families, our friends and having time for hobbies. I have a feeling FI would like to do more shows than me, and honestly he could get work year round if he wanted because people seek him out for shows. However, I would not be ok with us being tied up in rehearsals & shows for most of the year and really only having scarce time to spend together and for vacations etc. I am going to talk to him about it tonight, and about how we can handle some of the issues we're facing with his current rehearsals and shows in the future. How did you work out your compromises? Talk it out? Argue? List things in order of importance to each of you?

louisvillebride21 · November 2009

FI dad has set up a trust for FI (pre death). We had to decide what to do about him going back to school. I hate debt, so I wanted to pay for his school straight out of that money. He wanted to take out loans and pay it off in the end. We argued for half an hour and then calmed down and actually talked out the pros and cons. We are going to take out the loans, let the trust gain interest and then pay off the loans with the interest. That way, the principle remains intact and we won't be in for real debt for very long at all. Usually, we don't have a lot to compromise on; we have very similar views about most things. We usually get heated and argue but then immediately have a rational discussion. I'm not sure why we do it that way, but it works for us.

buttaflai · November 2009

How did you work out your compromises? Talk it out? Argue? List things in order of importance to each of you?We do all of the above, but won't end the discussion until there is a solution. We recently had to make a huge compromise and work through what we each wanted. It was closely related to your situation in that our schedules and finances would be affected. Ultimately, it just took a lot of discussion and now we have a plan in which we both agree.

britne28 · November 2009

The only thing he won't compromise on is aisle seats on a plane. Everything else we are really good at talking things out if we have to. But even then there aren't many issues where we have to sit down and say hey there's a problem here. Never had a blown out argument. I'm sure at some point it has to happen and it will be really weird but so far nothing has been overheated.

Nebb · November 2009

I think it really depends on how important the endeavor is to him. If he were to still have some time for stuff with you/family that would be better than no time at all so I think he has to understand there needs to be a limit on how much he can do and still make you happy in the relationship. My husband is a comic artist and I knew going into it that if he finally makes it i will never see him. It has been a big sticking point with us dealing with the increase in work over time (some weeks I dont see him at all and he spends the entire day/evening in his office with the door closed). It is his #1 aspiration in life though and I would never bring myself to try to make him sacrifice that for me. It has been a slow progression to the point where I dont see him much though so ive gotten used to it over time. I dont know if that helps but it feels similar.

MeaghanandMichael · November 2009

On normal every day stuff we rarely have to work out a compromise. We are very on the same page about everything. One thing that was a huge compromise was the decision to stay in CT. Mike's job is jsut too good to leave now but I really wanted to move back to Boston to be closer to friends and family. We debated the pros and cons a long time, but in the end the common sense factor won out.

aMrsin09 · November 2009

The big thing we are going to have to compromise on is mine. I deliver sailboats and that usually means committing to a crew and being gone for 5-10 days at a time.We haven't quite hashed it all out yet, but H has decided he will give it a try so he can maybe do some of it with me. He has a good chunk of skill set to make this possible, it's just at this time he doesn't consider the kind of sailing I do to be fun. But he worries about me being out there, so right now it's a "if you can't beat them, join them"

3plus2=5 · November 2009

Our biggest compromise has been surrounding FI's job. When we first started dating he was working on the road and only home every other weekend usually. My exH is a long haul truck driver and the little amount of time he spent at home was the biggest factor in the downfall of the marriage. FI knew going in that I couldn't be in that type of serious relationship again. Now he works locally for the most part, only taking a road trip every 6 weeks or so.Also, even though he is working locally he works really long 10-12 hours days. I had to be willing to give up the idea that he would be home in the evenings with us, but in return he had to promise that the weekends would be true family time. As in, the phone is shut off and we're not just running errands all weekend.As far as how we came to that compromise, there was only one argument about it. After that it has always been civil discussions and together trying to come up with a solution.

Pirata13 · November 2009

Stage--I don't THINK he is looking to do it as a career/full time. Quite frankly I don't think we could afford it financially. As you were saying with the fluctuating income. And the crazy schedule is a concern--if he did do it as a career, it certainly wouldn't solve the problem of "when do we get to see each other", as we'd ALWAYS be on opposite schedules. I really just have to talk to him and see what his thinking is. I certainly don't want to give an ultimatum, I don't want it to sound like I am laying things on the line. And I also understand that for both of us, we may have to go to things alone or turn down invites because one or both of us in in rehearsal or a show. But I also don't want to spend 10 months out of the year knitting and doing crafts because he is never home. I can lead a single life without wasting $10,000 on a wedding. I was thinking along the lines of what you said--both of us saying what we'd LIKE to do per year, times that are off-limits (ie, never doing a show that conflicts with our anniversary etc) and stating some things that we may face and how to deal with them. Example: at the beginning of October, we gave our friends a couple days we knew he couldn't rehearse. Just after the rehearsal schedule came out (Halloween-ish), we got an invite to my uncle's wedding reception (Vegas wedding in Oct, reception this weekend). This is something I feel we should say "Can't be there this day for rehearsal. We were unaware a month ago that this was coming up, and it's an important family event." That being said, if they were a week from opening the show, I'd never expect him to skip a rehearsal, even for this. But being a month away and still having 22 other rehearsals he will attend, I feel like there should be some leeway.

Stackeye210 · November 2009

We had to have a talk about Mr Stack's soccer coaching. After working all day he spends 3-4 nights out of the week and most weekends at the soccer fields coaching. While the pay off at the end of the season is very nice, the time away from the family is kind of irritating. He is committed to coaching again this spring, but after that he is going to drop down to just goalie coaching and not goalie coaching AND having his own team, and he is going to try to stack the practices so that he does more practices on one given day (taking away from having to drive to the field multiple times a week).

Nik1202 · November 2009

We compromise on everything, we're both very stubborn.

Pirata13 · November 2009

We're both pretty calm about things. He is very laid back. I was mad last week and when I was finally able to say "Would you be willing to ask D if you could miss or reschedule that rehearsal Saturday so you can go to the reception?" which is WAY better than how it would have come out a day or two earlier. I talked to my therapist about it last week, and she said to keep the dialogue open about it, and just present it the way I did to her--that I am focused on making sure we have time together, and that we should talk about what that means to both of us. This is just the one thing I could see him getting defensive about if we have differing opinions. We are both family oriented, so it's not like it is always a struggle to get him to go to things. He has a hard time saying no to people and also doesn't like to stir the waters in situations like this. I think he thinks it would affect his reputation asking to miss a rehearsal. However, most of the people either of us work with know we are dedicated and even if we miss a rehearsal, we will do what we need to do. (script work etc)

Pirata13 · November 2009

well now the discussion has to wait because he is going to get some things done at his place tonight. Now that I have been prepping all day for this! GAH!

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt · November 2009

I'm trying to think of a thing we really compromised on. Other than things we said were non-negotiables when we first started dating (he wanted a farm in the country, I wanted an indoor dog. Neither of us wanted to do what the other wanted initially, but now I love the farm and he loves the dog). Since then we're pretty much on the same page with things. When we do have to talk about them, generally it's just a matter of saying "This is what's important to me." and listing rational, reasonable things. It's hard to say to the other person "Even though xx is important to you, I'm choosing to disregard that and meet my own needs first." It puts things in perspective for us when we say it that way.

carrieoz_76 · November 2009

Ours usually start w/ bickering/arguing, but I don't recommend that. :)Eventually, we'll sit down and he'll tell me what he really needs, then I say what I really need, and we try to problem-solve, and we make suggestions about ideas that can meet both of our needs.We did this recently b/c I really need me time. Just time to veg - watch tv, surf the internet, read a magazine - and I don't really want to be bothered during that time. He feels like that sometimes means we don't hang out as much as he'd like. So we set aside time for us - Fri. night we go out, and we try to focus on each other usually one weekend day, plus dinnertime on weeknights. If you're deliberate about making sure to spend real time together during the week, it's not so troublesome when the other person wants to do other sutff in their extra time.Inevtitably we'll fall into old habits, and have to be reminded of what we'd done to resolve things, but over time I think this works.

Pirata13 · November 2009

Vogt--yeah I defiintely like the listing idea. I mean to me, my priorities are FI & family (friends too), work, then hobbies/outside interests. I was willing to get fired from a serving job (2nd job) because I wouldn't work Christmas Eve when I was done at job #1. We do family things Christmas Eve and there was no way I was going to work my regular job, then work til 9pm, be lucky to make $30 and miss seeing my family. Most of the other servers made it clear they wouldn't work either. So the owner and one other server who didn't have family things planned worked. I didn't get fired, but if I would have, I would've been ok with it. FI may have the same priorites, but maybe when he's in a show, the other things become secondary. And that would be something we have to figure out a balance for. We really agree on most things too, so maybe it won't be as big of a deal as I think. My problem is a stress about it, create all these scenarios in my head, then get mad for things that haven't even happened. Which is why I want to discuss it very soon so I don't become a raging, well, you know.

tenofcups4me · November 2009

We have several things we've had to compromise on through the years. Oddly enough, compromises in our day-to-day lives come so easily that we've rarely had conflict there or had to work through issues, but we've had some larger issues that require compromises. One is similar to what you're discussing. DH is a musician and also does sound and lighting for productions. He also has a music festival that he attends twice a year, as he was one of the founding members of it. And likes to go camping for close to a week in the winter (crazy, right?). Anyway, there have been times when family events--which are VERY important to me--have come up that conflict with these things. We've typically taken them one by one, but at this point, we have some ground rules that usually seem to apply. He doesn't have to go to a Jewish holiday with me (he's not Jewish) if he has an important work engagement or the festival conflict. He does have to go to any weddings, bar/bat mitzvahs, and funerals regardless of what else he might have scheduled. Those things aren't optional. To get to that point, we've had a series of conversations through the years, sometimes sit-down and rational, sometimes outright fights. I feel like it really is a compromise in that I've given up having him at smoe events that I would really like him to attend, but he's also given up doing some things that are important to him to attend events where I feel his presence is necessary.

Pirata13 · November 2009

Thanks for all the input ladies! It's definitely nice to know that we're not alone and that people can work out things that are condusive for both.

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt · November 2009

He may not realize how much time it takes up to be in a show. I'm sure he logically knows how much time he's investing, but he may not think "Hey, if I'm here, I'm not with Pirata or our family or (insert whatever else here)" Or he may think "Well, she can do her hobby or whatever while I'm there and that will free up our time together."Hopefully just expressing your concerns will help him see things from your point of view. And maybe think of something you'll give up if he agrees not to do more than xx number of shows per year or to not do a show that would cause him to miss your anniversary. Then both of you are actually compromising, rather than him feeling like he has to be the only one to "give something up."(And maybe you've already done that and you can just remind him).Good luck, I'll keep my fingers crossed that it goes well. If you're ever bored, let me know, I'll come keep you company

lyndausvi · November 2009

When I married DH I knew I was going to be chef widow. That means no holidays, little meals together, can only go away certain times of the year, few little days off together, etc. Knowing that I pick my battles on what I think is important for him to attend or not. A sibling wedding, yep he is going. My Aunt's wedding. No I would not make attend. So I just make it on a case by case basis.

Pirata13 · November 2009

Thanks Vogt! yeah it even took me by surprise when I thought to myself, "say each show takes up about 2 months with rehearsals & shows. If I do 1 show a year and he does 2 (and none are done together) that is 6 months of the year already that we can't plan vacations etc and that we have limited availability for family, friends and most important, each other." I really thought, wow, that's a lot of time. And then I started to think about how that adds up expense wise, as far as gas and wear & tear on the car, etc. Adds up!

L-Bride · November 2009

Our biggest compromise recently...his diaper pants. I call them his diaper pants bc they make him look like he is wearing a diaper or crapped his pants. They're awful old adidas sweats that he won't retire. I finally put my foot down about him leaving the house in them but he still wears them inside :(Now that's compromise considering the hatred I hold for them.

Pirata13 · November 2009

LOL L-Bride! One of those things you pray gets mangled beyond repair in the washer!

Pirata13 · November 2009

Lynda--yeah I think most things do have to be taken on a case by case basis. And I know we can't expect each other to be at every little thing together. It's just one thing we never talked about, but definitely have to. We both love doing shows, but it's only recently dawned on me how much time it takes up. I think if we set some guidelines and agree to take things on a case by case basis, we can probably agree on something!

Pirata13 · November 2009

Stage--yes he finally asked--this weekend. When it was a week away. Maybe had he done it right away (2 weeks out) it could have been worked around. But he had to be prodded by me to ask. I understand we're different like that, but it was very frustrating. If it was an extremely limited schedule, I would understand. But there are 5 weeks of rehearsal, FI is very good and very dedicated. And I'm kind of mad that our friend couldn't give up ONE day. I'm not asking if FI could skip rehearsal to sit home and watch tv with me. I think once we come to some agreement and guidelines, then if it happens in the future and falls under "important events", one of us can act on it immediately.

lyndausvi · November 2009

That sucks he can't miss one day out of 5 weeks of rehersals.It's such a fine line we have to walk. You want to be supportive, yet there truely are things you should do together.What about hanging up a large calender and marking down important events. Then before he take on a project we will be able to visualize how is works into plans. At the very least before he takes something on he can ask for a night off way ahead of time.

Pirata13 · November 2009

Usually he does check with me before making any commitments. And I think once we have our own place, there will DEFINITELY be a calendar so he can see right up front what we have. The issue that came up in this case was that a month before rehearsals started, we gave known conflicts (like 2). Just as they started rehearsal, we got the invite. I say it's impossible to know 1 month before anything starts EVERYTHING that may come up in a 2 month period.

Pirata13 · November 2009

Exactly, Stage. There are so many issues at hand that we both need to discuss and work on. But having a guideline is the best way to go, like you said. It just stinks he decided to stay home tonight, because I was really set to talk about it in a calm manner. Well, we have the next 2 days off together, even if he still doesn't know how many shows he might want to do a year, I'm going to ask him to put some serious thought to it, let him know what I've thought about, and give him some time to think on it.

squirrly · November 2009

Pirata, I didn't read all the responses, so I appologize if I've missed something important. FI is in the army, and we compromised on him voluntarily deploying. He really wanted to do so, for himself, before getting out. (He has deployed previously.) He researched options, and sort of blind-sided me with it. For any number of very obvious reasons, I didn't want him to do so. But, more than that, I didn't want him to resent me for not "letting" him go. His ex didn't "let" him do much of anything he wanted & it's still something that bothers him.We talked, very frankly, about the possibility, about how I felt about it, how he did, consequences, etc. In the end, I told him it had to be HIS decision, that he couldn't "blame" that on me. And he chose not to go. Had he gone, we would have had a speedy engagement/marriage with the JOP & he'd be gone right now. It still comes to mind for him, from time to time, and he could still arrange to go -- but he hasn't. Spending time with me & creating our life (and family) together is more important to him.So - what I'm trying to say is that I think you need to discuss it with him. Lay out pros and cons for each of you. Make sure he understands how you feel about it, and make sure you understand how HE feels. As much as I didn't want FI to go, I understand that's one year vs the rest of his life to regret NOT going. I hope that helps.

Pirata13 · November 2009

Thanks squirrly. I am very hyper-aware of not wanting to create a situation where one of us resents the other. We did this in our discussion about kids. We both said we were ok either way but leaning at not. Which I am very much in the "not" mindset. After some friends were having some problems--and my assumption was that their problems revolved around kids (I think one didn't want any, gave in, they have 3 and one is special needs). I asked again if he was really ok not having kids because I didn't want one of us to not have something we want, or to have something we didn't want in an effort to make the other person happy. (he said he really was fine with it) So I think we need to do the same with this. I have always been the one to try to please everyone else. So I really have to work sometimes to say how I really feel even if I think it's going to stir the pot a little and I also have to work with what he wants and not just immediately say "that's not going to work for me." Thanks for sharing.

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