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What would you do? Need everyone input

nygirl07nygirl07 member
500 Comments
in New Jersey - South
Early on I had issues with my FMIL and the guest list....We gave her x amount of people and she went about 15-20 people over that.  I asked her to cut the list and she would and then ended up adding more and kept saying that atleast 15 of her 101 people wouldn't come.  I tried to explain to her that you can't depend on people not coming but she said she new that 15-20 wouldn't show.Well here we are 6 weeks before and the RSVP's are rolling in and she only has 2 no's with and only 16 more response out and we already know 12 of those response will be yes (family members) That leaves her with only 6-8 no's at most.....Do I suck it up and pay for her extra 10 or so people or have FI confront her on it and tell her she has to pay?I have brought up my concern to her countless times and all she says is not to worry about it and we can borrow the extra from her, meaning she wants us to pay her back even though they are her guest....she did give just as much $ as my mom but she has 20 more people and we have also put it ALOT more then we wanted, even though we did this big wedding for her.PLEASE GIVE ME ADVICE, do we let it go and pay the extra $1500 ourselves or make her pay for them
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Re: What would you do? Need everyone input

  • nygirl07nygirl07 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    oh and how would you say it if you asked her to pay?  She tends to be stubborn when listening...I told her 15 times that her guest list was 101 people, but last week when she asked me I told her again and she acted shocked like there was no way!!
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  • ShakiShaki
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    hey nygirl I would tell her she has to pay for them. because you already told her the x amount of people and she went over it. You and your FI have to sit down and talk to her and let her know that this is how many people you want at the wedding and you dont have the exra money to dish out for her people and if she wants to have hem there she will hae to pay for them her self. Something along those lines. I was having the same problem with my FMIL, I threw the list away and started my own list with my FI and he agrees with me that if she wants these x amount of xtras she will have to pay for it, and the thing is she is inviting people that me and my FI dont even know..lol..but good luck my FMIL is stubborn too. Just stick to your guns , you already have your mind set dont let the fact that she is wants these people to come change your game plan ok!
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  • nygirl07nygirl07 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Shaki:  We don't know these people either....I'm just worried about causing problems this close to the wedding.... My FI and I both agree that she sould pay, I just keep backing away from it b/c I don't want any problems.She's been great through the whole planning but for some reason with this guest list thing she just couldn't get it through her head.   When I told her the # of her guest list last time I ended by saying "Well, it's ok b/c you said you knew 15-20 wouldn't come"...then all of the sudden she says "Oh, well I HOPE 15-20 won't come"...It took everything in me not to yell!!
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  • ShakiShaki
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    lol we are in the EXACT boat lol. I havent even brought up the guest list anymore with my FMIL because I dont even want her to think about adding anymore people on to the guest list.lol. You just have to be honest and talk to her about and tell her this is how many people and that is that. IF you want to add more people its fine but you will have to pay for them because I already had my mind set to how many people I was going to invite .
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  • candkmc1021candkmc1021
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    this is something I would leave up to FI to deal with. have him speak with her and deal with whether this is a battle that you should be fighting.
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  • nygirl07nygirl07 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    candkmc: FI did say he was gonna handle it so that's good but I warned him that I want him to really get it through to her this time and not just yell back and forth b/c he get's frustrated with her. We can't cut people at this point of course, but I just don't think it's right that she doesn't think it's wrong for us to pay for her extra guest...I get she gave $ but she doesn't get to dictate where it's spent and there are ALOT more expenses then just the reception and I don't think she understands that.  She keeps asking how much the reception is going to be but never asked how much EVERYTHING else is!
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  • D&J1202D&J1202
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    My MIL is stubborn also she pulls the surprised act too when I know we have told her 5 times the same thing. It takes everything I have sometimes not to say seriosly this is the 5th time we are discussing xyz! You need to talk to her with FI and the list from both sides so she can see in black and white she clearly has more people. Let her know the process has been so great but there needs to be a fair resolution to this problem. It's allways better not to wait until the last minute to deal with the stress. Also most of our no's came late usually the yes's flow quickly and with your wedding being on NYE people may need to figure things out. HTH & Good Luck!
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  • JSantilliJSantilli
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I would probably suck it up and pay the $1500. I'm a sucker, I hate confrontation, and I wouldn't want to be bothered with it in light of the holidays and your wedding. You have the best few weeks of your life coming up, and you don't want it to be ruined by confrontation. You could also have FI mention it casually and say you could use "help" with the extra guests, and see if she bites... Hopefully she will offer to help. Good luck!
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  • nygirl07nygirl07 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    JSantelli...That is EXACTLY what I was thinking.  He wants to say something but I told him if he does it has to be just bringing it up about how we have more then expected and hoping she bites.  I don't want it to cause any hard feelings, I just want her to understand what we've been saying.I would just leave it and suck it up but I feel like we have to step up to this or she'll try and do it again....she has to learn to listen to others concerns.
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  • njgal26njgal26
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Nygirl-I agree with you-I think FI or you and FI should def bring it up to her b/c this may set a precedent with her that she thinks she could do this again.  With future birthday parties for you, FI, or for possible future children, she may have the mind set to invite as many people as she wants b/c she got away with it before.  As a pp said, it's important to set boundaries early on so that there aren't (many) issues in the future.  Good luck!
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  • flash1flash1
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I am having the same problems with my FMIL. My parents and my FI and I are paying for double what she is chipping in for this wedding but she is inviting four times the amount of guests then anyone else. I don't want to cause problems either but we are on a tight budget. I told my FI to tell her she has to cut the list down but I don't think he will. I might just end up cutting it myself. It's so stressful dealing with these issues. You get put in a bad position and they just act like there is no problem. I was thinking of telling my FMIL we are over our budget so she has to help us out more or cut her list down. In the end it is a hard decision but sometimes you don't have a choice. If you can't afford it let her know maybe she will help you out and be understanding. You should not have to pay her back for her extra guests .... that is ridiculous!
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  • demarcosjddemarcosjd
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I agree with pp as much as you might not want to bring it up and hurt anyone’s feelings I think it is important to lay down the ground rules. As much as you don't want cause any tension or stress with her she is putting you through that with worrying about the situation. I would have FI and you approach her both in a nice manor and just talk it out. I know this isn't wedding related but I just went through a crazy situation with my FMIL. Long story short I planned a trip to Vegas for FI birthday and coordinated for his 2 brothers to also fly out with their girlfriends and surprise him. Well his mother found out that all of her boys were going and behind my back planned to come out there also (she is having a hard time letting go). As much as it was uncomfortable and I didn't want to bring anything up to her, I had to. Mainly for future reasons if I want to take my kids on vacation that doesn't mean it’s a free for all for the in laws. The advice I got from everyone was if I don’t say something now it will only get worse over time. I pretty much explained to her that I am going to be her daughter in law and that we need to have open lines of communication. Maybe something along those lines would work? GL!
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  • mumidimumidi
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I feel your pain.  It's my mother.  We've been fighting over the guest list for months.  I finally got the complete list and told her she could not invite her coworkers or my father's cousins.  We had to cut it somehow, and so far my parents have not contributed any money to wedding as they really aren't able to right now.  So I thought everything was set and I had my shower two weeks ago and my mom invited my dad's cousins.  Now I have to invite them to the wedding and I'm so mad.
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  • nygirl07nygirl07 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    mumdi...the shower is where I got messed up too!!  She swore certain people weren't coming and then she invited ALL of them to my shower where of course she talked up the wedding and got them all excited an now they are all coming. She sees these people once a year and they are her 2nd cousins.Even with my shower she took over and we ended up with 90 people and then she had the nerve to try and dictate what my bridesmaids should put in and I had to put my foot down.  My girls were NOT paying for all the guest she invited, it was my bridal shower for women I knew not who she knew.I talked to my FI and we decided we have to bring it up, we aren't going to push the fact of needing the extra but when the wedding is brought up we are goint to bring up the fact that we have A LOT more people then we expected and how she convinced me that 15-20 of hers wouldn't show.  I think at this point I just want her to know that she was wrong to do that, and that this event isn 't for her to get all of her extended family together but for us to be with all of OUR close family.
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  • nygirl07nygirl07 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for all the responses...it really helped!!  Now I just have to get prepared for the talk :)
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  • Irishgrl417Irishgrl417
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I agree that you have to have the talk. Hopefully she offers but if she doesn't, you need a plan. Are you going to suck it up and pay or will you push it?  But for anyone else that's in the situation, I suggest trying to get it straightened out before invitations go out. They may hand you a wish list that's way over their limit but you control who gets sent an invitation. It may sound harsh but simply don't allow the extra invites to go out in the first place.  I know a lot of people are against having a B list but if they get some No replies then they can invite the extras. If they talked it up with someone, that's on them to explain or be embarassed.And for those that can't be firm, there is always the sneaky approach to "forget" to send them because if they aren't that close to begin with, chances are your MIL won't have the opportunity to ask them if they got their invitation. 
    I'm pretty sure it's pronounced your mom's a moron and if you didn't have your name legally changed by the age of 22, so are you. Unless you're from another continent. -Groomz
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  • Irishgrl417Irishgrl417
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Oh, and I was kidding with the last part but if I wouldn't be surprised to hear there are people who have gone that route.
    I'm pretty sure it's pronounced your mom's a moron and if you didn't have your name legally changed by the age of 22, so are you. Unless you're from another continent. -Groomz
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  • nygirl07nygirl07 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Irishgirl: FI and I joked about just not sending them out :)We fought her countless times on the guest list and she would go on on on about how you HAVE to invite so and so and we would say that we didn't...they know her, not us.  It got to the point that she added people herself without my knowledge!!!  Her cousin was doing the calligraphy for my invites and she called her and added 2 people.  I did back down b/c I didn't want to cause problems, and I'm so mad that I did!!!
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  • ShakiShaki
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    hope it went well nygirl!
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  • Kim84mKim84m member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    make sure you update us because I really want to know how this works out. I'm lucky that my ILs have been so cool and understanding about everything and haven't given us a bit of grief, but my parents are totally crazy. Lucky for me still, I can yell at them and put my foot down and not worry about the relationship getting messed up from it, or what strain it will put on FI. Both of my parents have invited people behind my back, AFTER I had already talked to some of said people and they were fine with NOT coming. I have nightmares about how I'm going to have a 100 more people just SHOW UP on wedding day and I wont be able to pay for it or do anything about it. I don't know what I'd do if I were in your shoes, I kinda think it's a little late because the invites already went out, and I'd be worried about having a bad relationship with her, but because she also went behind your back with the shower thing, I do think she kinda needs to be put in her place, and the best person to do that, is your FI.
    .
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  • lcallettalcalletta
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I feel so badly for you! I would def make her pay for the extras. It's not fair for you to put on what in essence is turning out to be her second wedding. If she wants all the guests to be hers, then tell her to renew her vows and invite them. otherwise, she needs to pay. If they are that important that she couldn't cut them from the list when you were paying, then they should be important enough for her to pay for.
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